Welcome to Pro Tour: Amsterdam.
Now known as:
Pro Tour: Disasterdam.
Weeks leading up. Laptop in hand. Down seven steps to my own personal hell:
My parents’ dining room.
The white walls have begun to wear on me. It’s too nice here. I miss my Fall Out Boy poster (I <3 Pete Wentz).
In search of normalcy, I log on to AIM.
Lundquist is on, testing away. Refreshing.
Osyp is on our forums, acting as the voice of reason. Thankful.
Sacher is consistently changing decks and berating our teammates. Customary.
Testing goes one-sided. I destroy Ashton. Lundquist destroys me. Turtenwald says our decks suck.
Frustration.
My emotions? Peaks and valleys.
Peak
One day, I’m preparing a script to berate my opponent with during our match. Here is a copy I didn’t quite finish:
Main character – Mill three with Hedron Crab. Dread Return Iona, Shield of Emeria. Name [appropriate color]. Inquire about who opponent got deck list from. Ask if it was Conley Woods.
Camera pans to crowd. Laughter.
Camera pans to opponent. Sad face
Camera pans to main character’s tie. Says StarCityGames on it.
End scene.
Valley
In my car on my way to buy forty feet of twine and a industry-strength ceiling fan while listening to The Format – Tie The Rope on repeat.
(chorus)
Just tie the rope
Oh and kick the chair
Just leave me hanging there,
Gasping for air
Yeah don’t mind me three feet from the ceiling
“Now boarding to Amsterdam!”
Flight is acceptable. Grades are as follows:
Seat: B (window)
Movies: A (team)
Food: C (beef)
Company: B (old)
The seven hours went by faster than they should have. Special thanks goes to Hannibal, B.A., Face, Murdoc, and Jake Gyllenhaal as Ali from Cairo.
Land with Napoli. Find Ashton and Lundquist. Talk about the deck. Acknowledge the fact that none of us will do well with it, even though it’s one of the best in room.
Head to train. Ride for twenty minutes. Find out we’re on the wrong one. Run-of-the-mill.
Get to hostel. Name = Stayokay. Didn’t.
Climb into bunk bed. Realize I’m 24. Shame washes across my body. Sleep peacefully anyway.
Walk to tournament site. Sandal breaks. Look down. Find new preview card.
Justice
jus·tice [juhs-tis]
noun
1. the quality of being just; righteousness, equitableness, or moral rightness: to uphold the justice of a cause.
2. rightfulness or lawfulness, as of a claim or title; justness of ground or reason
3. having one’s only pair of shoes break in another country
Get to tournament site. Treefolk Harbinger is four euro.
Laugh
Out
Loud
Prepare for player party. Doesn’t exist.
Draft against Kenji, Chapin, and Kazuya. Can’t beat The American. Lose draft 5-4.
Search for food. Find place with hamburger. Undercooked. Risk it anyway.
Return to Stayokay. Didn’t.
Zzzzz.
Wake at 6:30. Tournament starts at 9. Goldfish with deck. Draws are insane. Realize I wasted them all.
Head to shower. Can’t fit in it. Concede.
Head to breakfast. It’s gross. Submit.
Walk to site. Collect deck. Look to sell soul to devil. Find Brad Nelson at front of line.
Write out deck list:
Creatures (22)
Lands (18)
Spells (20)
Round one is paired. Content.
Opponent is Prismatic Omen + Scapeshift. Dredge two-thirds of my deck in game one. No Iona, Shield of Emeria. Statistically impossible.
Attack with zombies and win anyway. Chipper.
Opponent sideboards face-up (Relics). So do I (Needles).
Turn 3 cast Pithing Needle. Opponent considers Mana Leak. Declines.
Turn 4 hard-cast Dread Return. Mana Leaked.
Turn 5 unearth Rotting Rats. Opponent discards Relic of Progenitus. Neat.
Flashback Dread Return. Victory.
1-0
Round two is paired. Pleased.
Opponent is 5-Color Control. Displeased.
Game one, Jace, the Mind Sculptor exiles my library. Turn before library is exiled, I ask for the Oracle. Judge gives me the Oracle on a see-through sheet of paper in front of opponent. Endearing.
Game two, opponent mulligans to four. I lose very easily. Embarrassed.
1-1
Round three is paired. Hopeful.
Opponent is Living End. Paired against the bye. Brash.
Game one, lose on turn 3. Emotional.
Game two, play Leyline of the Void. Delighted.
Game three, play Leyline of the Void. Lose to Deadshot Minotaur. Appalled.
1-2
Round four is paired. Hopeless.
Opponent is White Weenie. Jealous.
Game one, do nothing. Sad
Game two, do nothing. Tilted.
1-3
Round five is paired. Humbled.
Opponent is B/w Smallpox. Laughing.
Game one, zombies ate my neighbors. Thankful.
Game two, opponent has Leyline of the Void. Annoyed.
Game three, opponent mulligans to five. Pleased.
2-3
Draft pod is up. I’m the best player in it. Irrelevant.
Draft W/u deck. Isn’t very good. Could get lucky. Don’t.
Round six is paired. Optimistic.
Opponent is eleven.
Lost.
2-4
Drop from tournament. Turn on iPod. Click shuffle.
(chorus)
Just tie the rope
Oh and kick the chair
Just leave me hanging there,
Gasping for air
Yeah don’t mind me three feet from the ceiling
Cute.
Bird from the rail. Disinterested.
Grab some pizza. Disappointing.
Sip some Fanta. Invigorating.
Leave the tournament site. Thankful.
Bet friends everything is closed. Check for Wescoe. Safe.
Look for food. Everything is closed. Shocking.
Return to Stayokay. Didn’t.
Zzz.
Wake in time for PTQ. Blessed.
Register pool. Pass it twice to left. Annoyed.
Ask person if pool he gave me is the nuts. He nods in agreement. Thankful.
Open the pool. See that it is nut low. Fill with hatred.
Round one is paired. Optimistic.
Don’t deal a point of damage over two games. Classic.
0-1
Round two is paired. Carefree.
Deal four points of damage over two games. Displeased.
0-2
Go to bird the Pro Tour. See Rietzl destroying everyone with White Weenie. Envious.
Sign up for Legacy tournament with Belcher. Giddy.
Round one is paired. Encouraged.
Opponent is playing Merfolk. Perturbed.
Game one, I activate Goblin Charbelcher for fifty-six points of damage. Thrilled.
Game two, I cast Natural Order on turn 2. Jubilant.
1-0
Round two is paired. Upbeat.
Opponent is playing Merfolk. Agitated.
Game one, opponent Force of Wills my Land Grant before I can show him my hand. Laughter.
Game two, I cast Xantid Swarm on turn 1 and Natural Order on turn 2. Glad.
Game three, I cast Empty the Warrens for ten goblins, followed by Natural Order. Proud.
2-0
Round three is paired. I miss it.
Explanation:
I was giving an interview for the Pro Tour with Pat Chapin. During this interview, I was sure to check that pairings for my event did not go up. They didn’t. While waiting for my pairings to go up, the head judge of the Legacy tournament decided to move the tournament, but did not make an announcement. Instead, he walked up and down each row to tell each player.
My match ended in eight minutes. I was not there for said conversation.
The only way to know that the tournament was moved was to go over to where the tournament was and see a sign on a table that said the tournament had been moved to the other side of the hall. The head judge for the tournament had also decided to make all announcements himself instead of over the loud speaker.
Every. Other. Tournament. Was using the loudspeaker.
I asked for a refund. Instead of a refund, I was told I was in the wrong because only four other players missed the move of the tournament out of the eighty-seven in the tournament.
Did I mention that this was a five-round tournament? A five-round tournament, regardless of whether there were thirty-three people or one-hundred-and-twenty-eight people? And the prize was ten Revised duals for first place, and ten Ravnica shocklands for second. No Top 8, mind you. If you’re tiebreakers weren’t sick, sucks for you.
Round of applause for this TO, shall we?
I railbird the Pro Tour some more. Players ask how I’m doing in the Legacy tournament. I give the explanation. Laughter ensues.
Top 8 of Pro Tour is announced. Pleased.
Players’ party begins. Horrified. Grades are as followed:
Preview cards: C (Myr aren’t new)
Food: C (Pizza was terrible all weekend)
Music: F (Couldn’t be louder)
Drinks: D (Had to be purchased)
If I wanted to get drunk, I’d go to the Red-light District. I came to play Magic. It was too loud to do that. Pissed.
Head back to Stayokay. Didn’t.
Zzzz.
Wake up for Draft Challenge. Split with Tommy Ashton. Sucker.
Force Mono Black in first draft. End up splashing two Cudgel Trolls. Pleased.
End up 3-1 in pod. At peace.
Force Mono-Black in second draft. Deck is terrible. Displeased.
End up 0-3 in pod. Sad.
Ashton loses in top four to Sperling. Overcome with joy.
Leave tournament site to get food. Go to place with undercooked burger. Rebuy.
Head back to Stayokay. Didn’t.
Zzzzz.
Catch ride to airport. Jubilant.
See people I know on flight. Ecstatic.
Sleep six of eight hours on flight. Elated.
Land in DC. Kiss the ground when I land. Filled with glee.
Land in Cleveland. Captivated.
Walk in house. Greet parents. They ask how my trip was.
Question ignored. Glass of Simply Lemonade with Raspberry poured. Delicious.
Turn on laptop. Log on to MTGO.