Back in early August, I was excited to learn that a Grand Prix was going to be held down in Kansas City. Needless to say, there are few premier events held in such close proximity to where I live - and after some discussion with my wife, it was decided that I (and she) would be attending as long as Mary, my wife's cousin, was available to stay with the kids for the weekend.

Fortunately, Mary was free and willing to care for the little ones for us.

There were several benefits to attending this event: First, of course, was that for the first time since we've been married, the wife and I would actually be getting away for a couple days without children. Whether I was slinging spells or not, that alone was reason to celebrate the weekend. Also, since I have been running the tournaments down at my local card store, I have not had the opportunity to play anywhere near as much as I would like. So, this was an event where I could actually play. Lastly, since I missed the pre-release, this event would also be my first opportunity to actually play with the new set.

I went with no preconceived notions about doing well. With my lack of recent playing coupled with my lack of experience with Mirrodin, I figured there would be ample play mistakes intertwined with somewhat poor deck construction... But there would still be excitement and tension. Could I continue my streak of getting paired against my wife in events we attend together? Would I, again, for the fourth consecutive tournament, be forced to deal with the dastardly chair? Was it possible to extend my impressive streak of sub-.500 records?

After a few hours of sleep Friday night, Jeanie awakened me at 4:00. I showered, dressed, and filled my travel mug with fresh coffee. We were on the road to Kansas City by 4:45. Jeanie and I talked for a bit until she lay down and took a nap while I drove. I-29 South was dark and fairly deserted at that time in the morning, so, to amuse myself, I started keeping count of the road kill we passed. There were two shattered deer, over ten smashed raccoons, four flattened skunks, a handful of unidentifiable remains, and one carcass that I swear had to be a sheep. Needless to say, counting rotting flesh on the side of the road makes time pass quickly - and before I knew it, we were turning on to I-435 to loop down to the convention center.

Once we had arrived, we verified our pre-registration, and then mingled with hundreds of other Magic players while waiting for the event to start. We ran into several of my tournament regulars, watched a few games, checked out the vendor's wares, and occasionally went outside to smoke until time was called. We were given our seating placements, and deck registration began.

I opened what appeared to be a fairly decent set of cards to pass, which had two each of Shatter, Deconstruct, and Viridian Shaman to go with, obviously, numerous artifacts, which contained a fairly strong set of artifact creatures and several Spellbombs. Decks were registered and exchanged. Now, I know that I probably - Hell, most definitely - built a suboptimal deck. Regardless, this is what I played, and my sideboard.

1 Great Furnace
3 Mountain
12 Forest
1 Bonesplitter
2 Lifespark Spellbomb
1 Pyrite Spellbomb
1 Viridian Longbow
1 Vulshok Gauntlets
1 Clockwork Beetle
2 Copper Myr
1 Goblin Replica
1 Clockwork Condor
1 Clockwork Vorrac
1 Pewter Golem
1 Malachite Golem
1 Clockwork Dragon
1 Myr Enforcer
1 Atog
1 Brown Ouphe
1 Viridian Shaman
2 Tel-Jilad Exile
1 Tel-Jilad Archers
1 Predator's Strike
1 Turn to Dust

Sideboard:
1 Ancient Den
1 Seat of the Synod
1 Neurok Hoversail
1 Tel-Jilad Stylus
1 Galvanic Key
1 Psychogenic Probe
1 Dragon Blood
2 Heartwood Shard
1 Tower of Eons
1 Myr Mindservant
1 Myr Retriever
1 Nim Replica
1 Soldier Replica
1 Wizard Replica
1 Dross Scorpion
1 Goblin War Wagon
1 Vulshok Berserker
1 Electrostatic Bolt
1 Fists of Anvil
2 Seething Song
2 Hum of the Radix
1 Bloodscent
1 Journey of Discovery
1 Leonin Den-Guard
1 Skyhunter Patrol
1 Awe Strike
1 Razor Barrier
2 Blinding Beam
1 Lumengrid Warden
2 Neurok Familiar
1 Lumengrid Sentinel
1 Neurok Spy
1 Wanderguard Sentry
1 Annul
1 Thirst for Knowledge
1 Disciple of the Vault
1 Dross Prowler
1 Wall of Blood
1 Moriok Scavenger
1 Nim Shambler
1 Chimney Imp
1 Woebearer
1 Contaminated Bond
1 Terror
1 Wail of the Nim

Once my deck was built, registered, and sleeved, I went outside to smoke before finding Jeanie to see how her card pool was. She was pretty happy with her deck, which ran Green and Black, and splashed white to run Solar Tide as a reset in case she ran into trouble. Shortly afterwards, pairings were posted and it was time to get started.

Round 1: Josh Stegmaier (Finish: 433)
Josh was a college kid from western Kansas playing in only his second sanctioned event. His deck was R/G, running several Protection from Artifact creatures and having a good deal of artifact removal. He was somewhat mana screwed in game one, and I was able to get out several early threats and end the game fairly quickly.

Game two, I took a chance on a two-land hand since I was holding both of my Copper Myrs, and I paid the price. He cast Deconstruct on my first Myr, and Shattered the second, while my deck refused to cough up any more land. I was quickly dispatched. Game three ended up with the two of us being in a creature stalemate. After several turns of"draw, play a creature, go," I hit a land pocket when he didn't. He had a three creature advantage, and cast Incite War with entwine just after I had made a play mistake and had tapped all of my red mana available to play an artifact creature. With no red mana, I was unable to use my Pyrite Spellbomb to force at least a trade with one of his first striking blocking combinations. In the end, I lost all but one of my creatures, he didn't lose any blockers, and I was overrun with damage. He was the car; I was the flattened carnivorous North American mammal having grayish-brown fur, black mask-like facial markings, and a black-ringed bushy tail.

Round 2: Jack Garrett (Finish: 287)
Jack had perhaps some of the most amazing cards together in a sealed deck that I have ever seen. Had his mana base not been absolutely horrible, he could have done much better. He was mostly W/B, but had both double white and double black spells, plus Luminous Angel. He also splashed blue so he could activate his Crystal Shard.

In game one, I was just demolished. Between his Icy Manipulator, and Crystal Shard, any creatures I was actually able to get to stick either ended up tapped or returned when I didn't save mana to prevent it. I thought I had a chance in game two. In fact, I actually beat him down to four life while I was at a full twenty. Unfortunately, a Barter in Blood, followed by set of Arrests, put a quick end to my attack phase, and Jack had time to rebuild before I could recover, and I met my demise. He was the car; I was the smashed nocturnal arboreal marsupial having a naked prehensile tail found from southern North America to northern South America.

At this point, there was some banter between my wife, my friends, and me as to whether an 0-8 showing could possibly lower my rating to 1400. Of course, I also wondered if it was possible that I could attain the lowest Limited DCI rating in United States. But, alas, after a little research, I discovered that my chances of achieving that dubious honor will be about as difficult as getting to the other end of the spectrum. For the record, though, the honor of the lowest Limited DCI rating in the US goes to Michael R Morris of Collingswood, NJ with a rating of 1315. This guy is my hero. Hell, he actually holds the Triple Crown of Magic futility, holding the lowest Constructed and Composite ratings as well.

Round 3: Jerry Gao (Round: 498)
Jerry was a younger kid who I watched play some in the JSS held on Sunday. He was nice enough, and the two of us chatted for a bit until it was time to shuffle up and go. He was playing a R/B deck that had decent removal, Promise of Power, Atog, and a slew of artifacts. In game one, he was able to achieve creature advantage, and shortly thereafter, cast Promise of Power with entwine. A 9/9 demon quickly ended that game.

Game two went significantly better for me. I was able to get my Malachite Golem and Clockwork Dragon into play and the fatal attack came when I gave the Golem trample, and cast Predator's Strike on my 7/7 attacking dragon. We shuffled up for game three.

The final game was rather anticlimactic. Jerry started slowly after a mulligan, and I came out of the gates pretty fast after keeping a four land, two Myr, Clockwork Dragon hand. He cast a Promise of Power without entwine late in an attempt to pull something to deal with the dragon, but found no answers. I earned my first win of the tournament.

Afterwards, I was ridiculed by my friends for"throwing away my opportunity for an 0-8 record." I guess if a perfect losing record was that important to me, I could have just conceded prior to fatal damage being dealt, but I chose not to go that route. I mean, really, I'd want to earn something like that and not back into it without honor.

Round 4: Tyler Schmidt (Finish: 285)
Tyler was a pretty amiable guy about my age. Noticing his wedding ring, I asked if his wife was a gamer as well. I guess she is, but she is more into RPGs and board games, and doesn't play Magic. He was playing U/W/G, with both Crystal Shard and Icy Manipulator.

In game one, he got color-screwed and was holding all green spells without the correct mana. He was able to put up a battle for a while with his artifacts and the occasional artifact creature, but eventually, I overran him.

In game two, I kept a"two land and Myr" hand, figuring I'd be fine. Unfortunately, I didn't see another land for five turns, and everything else I had in my opening hand or that I drew cost four or more. He was eventually able to tap my Myr during my upkeep, and return a creature to my hand pretty much every turn while continuing to cast threats himself. I ended up getting rolled in that game.

We shuffled up for game three. I had to mulligan to start the game, but I kept my six cards, which contained four lands, a Myr, and Clockwork Vorrac. I continued to draw land for the next three turns, but was at least able to make a recovery by drawing into both of my Golems and my dragon. We eventually got into a stalemate and proceeded to play a game of draw, creature, go for a few turns. Finally, he used the Icy during my turn to tap a creature, and then cast a Blinding Beam with entwine during his end step after I tapped my Vorrac to pump it. During my turn, he tapped a fifth creature. Once I passed the turn, he tapped a sixth with his Icy, and nailed my last blocker with a Shackles. Lethal damage soon followed.

He was the car; I was the slaughtered, small, mostly carnivorous New World mammal of the genus Mephitis and related genera, having a bushy tail and black fur with white markings and ejecting a foul-smelling oily liquid from glands near the anus when frightened or in danger

Round 5: Amanda Doty (Finish: 278)
Now, a lesser man probably would have dropped by now, but not me. As I ambled over to the table, I noticed that sitting right next to me was none other than my lovely wife. So, I pulled up a seat, introduced myself to Amanda, and took the opportunity to introduce my wife to her as well. The three of us chatted and joked around for a few minutes, and then shuffled up and got ready to play.

While Jeanie was going about the business of winning her match, I continued my stellar performance in this round. In route to another 2-1 loss, I made such miraculous plays as attacking into a pumped-up Tel-Jilad Archers with a Clockwork Condor, not saving any green mana to create a blocker with my Lifespark Spellbomb (although I did manage to leave all three Mountains untapped), and forgetting to cast my Clockwork Vorrac not once, but twice, when I had the mana available to cast it. With the numerous mistakes I made during this match, it's a wonder how I even managed to pull out a single game.

She was the car; I was one of the various hoofed ruminant mammals of the family Cervidae, characteristically having deciduous antlers borne chiefly by the males that was caught in the headlights and left lying by the side of the road.

Surprisingly, after five rounds, I still had not managed to keep any of my various streaks alive, although I was perilously close to ensuring an overall losing record since I was standing at 1-4.

Round 6: Nicholas Knight (Finish: 457) a.k.a."The Chair"
Gee, it happened again. There I sat, game face on, staring directly at what was obviously a superior opponent. The brown chair stared back menacingly, almost daring me to test my mundane skills against its distinguish expertise acquired by osmosis from the asses of many a gamer.

Fortunately, the judges saved me the embarrassment of another loss, ruling that my rightful opponent was actually Mr. Knight and not the omnipotent piece of furniture. I was given the 2-0 win, while the chair spewed vulgar, filthy obscenities towards the judge. The chair was subsequently disqualified and escorted from the building.

Round 7: Russell Cowan (Finish: 277)
Russell and I have played numerous times. We've met in most of the PTQs we've played in and we have drafted against each other several times as well. He's a guy about my age who has also been playing for years. His deck is W/G with several Leonin and Pro-Artifact dudes. He also managed to pull three Deconstructs, which would play a major role during our match. I manage to win game one by casting Turn to Dust on his Bonesplitter, and pulling a Viridian Shaman to destroy his Vorrac, allowing mine to attack with my dragon for lethal damage.

Game two didn't quite go as well for me. Granted, part of it was due to numerous misplays by me, which included not taking a mulligan to start the game. The only creatures I saw were artifact creatures, and his Shaman and Deconstructs handled them with little trouble, leading to my ultimate demise.

Both of the first two games took longer than expected, and we only had about eight minutes for game three. He had absolute advantage in the third match, pulling the needed destruction at the perfect moments. We went into extra turns, and I was just hoping to hang on for the draw, as it was a mathematical impossibility for me to actually pull out the victory. On the third extra turn, I needed to rip a creature to block to prevent lethal damage on his last turn. I draw my card, and see Clockwork Condor. I cast it and pass the turn sitting perilously at six life, hoping to get the draw. Little did I know that he was holding the indispensable Deconstruct. My Condor his the graveyard, and he came over to deal exactly six damage, thus ensuring my streak of losing records.

He was the car, I was that odd dead thing that resembled any of the various, usually horned, ruminant mammals of the genus Ovis in the family Bovidae, especially the domesticated species O. aries, raised in many breeds for wool, edible flesh, or skin.

So after my loss, I'm joking around with my wife, saying how funny it would be if we got paired in the last round. She doesn't see the humor in my jest, but still informs me that if somehow we are paired, she will not spare me and proceed to kick the living piss out of me.

Pairings go up, and Jeanie and I head over to the board to find our seats. I can tell by my lovely spouse's reaction that she is not happy.

"You're at table 95," she says.

"Cool, where are you?"

"Table 95."

Yes, it took the full eight rounds, but all of my streaks are still intact.

Round 8: Jeanie Wilt (Finish: 306)
Truth be told, Jeanie is now a better player that I am. Part of that can be attributed to the fact that she gets to play much more often than I do. Part of that is also because recently she has really tried to improve, if for no other reason than to hammer her loving, anal-retentive, husband.

She shuffles up, and I try flirting with her to no avail. She's all business and completely ignores my suggestive and seductive comments. She's out for blood.

She has the advantage most of game one, and seals her victory with a beastly Reiver Demon. Game two is a long, drawn-out game, with both of us casting creatures. She nicks away at my life thanks to the power of Disciple of the Vault. I finally rip my Pyrite Spellbomb and dispose of the Disciple, but not before it gets in one last poke. Eventually, I am able to get my Clockwork Dragon into play, and, after spending several turns pumping the Vorrac (no, that is not a clever euphemism for something else), I am able to attack for lethal damage.

There are a mere six minutes left in the round. Both of us are playing at a furious pace, and when time is called, there are numerous creatures on both sides of the table. I'm playing merely for the draw, and I pray that she doesn't rip the Demon again, as that would simply wreck me. She doesn't, and I am able to muster enough defense to keep myself at five life when we reach the end of extra turns. For that, I am immensely lucky. Had we had a few more turns, I would have been defeated, yet again, by my wife.

I finished 310^th.

After all was said and done, Jeanie and I went out to dinner with several of our friends and then we head back to our room. We made arrangements to play in a draft on Sunday prior to leaving.

Of course, the goal was to play in different drafts, as my wife wanted to play to win, and I, being the scrub that I am, plan simply on being a rare drafting prick. Well, I screwed up and didn't manage to get signed up in time for the earlier draft, so, we ended up in the same draft pod. True to form, Jeanie drafted to win, and I drafted for me collection. I managed to pull such bombs as a sixth-pick Leveler, a seventh-pick Fiery Gambit, and an eighth-pick Timesifter. Needless to say, I lost to my first round opponent.

All in all, though, I have to say that this event quite possibly was the most fun I've ever had playing in tournament Magic. Sure, I got my ass handed to me, and my rating now resembles the unidentifiable road kill I saw on my way to Kansas City, but I had fun. The wife and I got away for the weekend, I got to watch actual pros play, and play much better than I am capable of doing, and I managed to pull some much needed cards for my collection.

I can also report that Northbound I-29 had more than its fair share of road kill as well. I counted at least twelve raccoons, six skunks, two more deer, and numerous beasts that resembled something in the canine family, although I couldn't tell exactly what they were.

We got home around six o'clock Sunday evening. I played with Angel for a bit and then went to lay down before I had to go into work that night. Jeanie came in to say goodnight and while she was there, we heard Veronica wake up from her evening nap. Jeanie brought her to the room so I could say goodnight to her as well, and Veronica threw a fit when Jeanie forced her to leave the room, and took her to the front room with her sisters. A few moments later, mere minutes before I fell off to sleep, I heard Veronica knocking on the bedroom door and crying to be permitted entry. I hear Jeanie come back and retrieve her, saying,"Let Daddy sleep. You'll get to play with him tomorrow."

A slight grin crosses my lips as I begin to drift away. Even Magic road kill likes to feel loved.

Peace....

Carl Wilt
Brownsfan56@hotmail.com