So you want to know what Grand Prix: Oakland was like?

I'll tell you what it was like.

If you've never been to a GP before, it's all about the star power. Sure, there's actually money given out at the event, and a modicum of pro points, and all that flash, but the truth is, that to the regular fellow, the reason you're going is to play Magic for three days straight and see what it's like with the big shots there.

And the big shot power did not disappoint.

If a picture is worth a thousand words, then seeing the pros in person is worth a dictionary.

For instance, seeing a picture of Antonio De Rosa and hearing about his chirpy personality pales in comparison to seeing his face get red and hearing him stomp around dissing the judges when they tell him he can't stand right next to his friend as his friend builds their Sealed Deck for the Sunday PTQ.

Hearing about how quiet and concise Mikey P. is doesn't prepare you for the fact that you can actually see mathematical calculations fly off the top of his head as he's walking through the hotel lobby.

Did you know that Ben Rubin has a lisp? Like a therious lithp! It's awesome watching him tear someone apart, extend the hand and say,"Nithe Game." Not that having a lisp is a deal or anything, it's just one of those things that catches you off guard. Just one of the thousand nuances about the pros that you will never experience unless you go to one of these events.

So on Friday, Jon Persinger, Bob, and I signed up for the trial. Some time afterwards, while we're waiting for pairings to go up, Jon comes over and says,"That crowd of people is standing around that table because Ben Rubin is playing." I also saw Antonio De Rosa there, so I wandered over, and said to Jon."Yep, Ben Rubin is there, but it also could be because there's ADR, Mike Turian, Ken Ho, Eugene Harvey, and Brian Kibler there as well."

I stood behind Kibler and watched him starting to pull a R/U affinity deck out of pack one only to open a Solar Tide in pack two. After some hemming and hawing, he took the Tide, and was rewarded with being passed White goodness upon White goodness in pack 2.

Shortly after they opened pack three, my pairings went up for the trial, but not before I got a laugh when Ben Rubin watched Kibler put a Vulshok War Boar on top of his pile and hand Ben the rest of the pack. Ben cried out a muffled, Scooby-Doo sounding,"Noooooooooooo!"

The hard call in making the build I went with was how to do the mana. I built it so that I could use enough Forests to support the double Green in the Molder Slug, but not completely ruin the gas red that I had.

Just as the judge was explaining to everyone how the tournament was going to work, someone stood up at the trade tables and started yelling"Nate Heiss Is A Crook! Don't Trade With Nate Heiss! He Will Rip You Off!" Apparently it was one of the Pros giving Nate a rough time. The sheepish grin on Nate's face was spectacular.

I lost to someone in round 1 that was from Idaho. He was very good, and the Molder Slug didn't come out to play. His broken showed up, and mine didn't. And he played well.

And I suck.

Somewhere around this time PTR showed up. I've never seen PTR, but I've heard a lot about him. Shaved bald head, wearing a baggy, flashy set of white gear that looked like a pair of sweats that had just been pulled off of an elephant, and a big metal necklace that half blinded you from the sparkle, was not what I had envisioned PTR to look like.

Jon looked over at me and said with a grin,"Got to Represent!"

Round 2, I won, and Jon Lost, and Bob was 2-0. Punk. And we were all getting hungry. The all you can eat pizza buffet we ate at before we left Sacramento that afternoon was wearing off. So we made a pact, that the first one to go *-2 drops out and goes to get the rest of us Burger King.

The winning game of Round 3 saw me cast Murderous Spoils at just the right time to get his Warhammer and ended with me Dismantling his freshly cast Clockwork Dragon then killing him with his own tokens. After you've played Murderous Spoils a few times, you start looking at your opponent's Equipment like it is your own.

Bob, Jon and I all won Round 3, and we came to the realization, that not only were we playing for dinner, but we were probably playing for our lives. The life expectancy of a white man in downtown Oakland at midnight on a Friday is about three minutes, and it's about a fifteen min trip to Burger King and back.

So with my life on the line, I managed to win rounds 4 and 5.

4-1 is looking decent in a seven round tournament.

A win and a draw and I'm in the top 8. [Don't go there man. No good can come of it. - Knut]

Which is why I lost Round 6 to the Skullclamp Warhammer deck. [Warned you. - Knut]

Luckily Bob had lost rounds 4 and 5 and had already ordered pizza to be delivered.

Smart man, that Bob.

Seeing how it was one or two in the AM, we went upstairs at the Marriott and crashed. Cept for Jon that is. He was still winning.

5 AM rolls around with Jon waking Bob and I up with a box of Darksteel in his hand and a grin on his face."I won the whole damn thing!"

Bastard.

Apparently when everyone in the top 4 gets three byes and a box, and it's 5 AM, no one really cares if they get first or not, so they all drew to Jon.... or whatever...

Bastard.

So, like, hotels suck for getting real sleep, and when it's time to get up, it feels like something between running straight on into a glass door, and just getting off the merry go round that's been spinning you for ten minutes.

In other words, conditions were perfect for building a sealed deck at a Grand Prix.

More"Names" were highly visible that morning, including Bob Maher, Dave Williams, Mike Pustilnik, Billy Jensen, Dave Humphreys, and PTR. Only it was PTR without his white"Representin" outfit, and sporting his still shaved head and a yellow, fuzzy sweat top.

As we sat down to register and build our decks, we were greeted by Sheldon Menery."Welcome to Grand Prix Oakland!" the words came out over the microphone. It sounded like an announcer at a wrestling event. I blinked and looked around, but it was indeed the voice of Sheldon Menery. You know. The mousy looking guy with the squinty look next to the words Ask The Judge.

His voice is not mousy. I was expecting him to break out at any time saying"Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!" [He does that at PTQs, but you know... only on Sundays. It's a little-known fact that Sheldon was one of the earliest entrants into the Air Force's"Bionic Man" program. They gave him the voice prototype... and that was it. - Knut]

After that interesting mental transition. I got to see Bob Maher strut past on the way to his chair and I now know what the air of confidence is like. Only The Great One could get away with strutting like that while still having such a big nose and even remotely pull it off.

After a brief player strike, the person sitting across from me caved and paid the $1.00 they were charging for pens at the tournament.

In the deck I built, I thought I would be okay with the seventeen lands and no Myr (I only had one off color), but I was wrong. I was mulliganing frequently. Just a couple of Myr make a huge difference.

When I went to go turn in my decklist and get my land, I saw Eugene Harvey ask Nate Heiss if he had Darksteel Ingot in his deck. Nate Heiss said"Of course!" with an incredulous look, and Eugene laughed and turned away.

Round 1 I beat the guy from LA with the playmat that had several PTQ top 8 pins on it in less then ten minutes.

Then I went up to get a piece of pizza and to wake Jon up in the middle of his nap.

Bastard.

Now that my obligatory job as annoying friend was over. I focused on Mountain Dew and Aleve consumption to get rid of the hotel room hangover.

Feeling much better about my odds of not throwing up, I went back down to round 2.

Where I faced the nice guy from San Diego who had Crystal Shard, Megatog, Furnace Dragon.

Highlights for the rest of the three rounds I played before I went 2-3-drink included:

Listening to Jon whine about the crappy deck he opened that had Crystal Shard and Megatog in it... heh.

Walking up to the pairings for round 4 behind PTR and seeing a yellow piece of fuzz hanging to the back of his head like a canary being thrown out of it's nest while PTR was strutting along, blissfully unaware.

Having Nate Heiss come up to a table with me and my friends at it asking if we had any trade, and replying"No Way Man! I Know You! You're Nate Heiss!" Then laughing with him about it.

After I bombed out and before I started drafting, I decided that I wanted a memento. I decided that I would see if I could get a card signed by Nate Heiss that he screwed me for. When I found him again and managed to tear him away from Eubroken Harvey, I told him that I was mainly looking for a memento, and that as long as he signed my card, I would let him have anything in my binder for say a foil mountain.

He traded me for a Sword of Kaldra. Neither of us had a Sharpie to have him sign it with though, so I had him wait to sign it until I could get one later. He said that he normally carries stuff like that on him, but his bag had gotten ripped off earlier in the tournament.

And this is where I get to do my rant on thievery. Seriously there is an issue with it going on at the Northern California tournaments. At the Onslaught Prerelease, a friend of mine had a collector's box of cards stolen right out from under his chair. At a PTQ a couple of months ago in Sacramento, I had a friend have their Extended trade binder stolen. These aren't careless people. They were aware of their environment, and conscientious about their cards. So unfortunately, I wasn't surprised to hear that Nate's bag had been taken.

Anyway, Jon said that I had failed in getting my memento, because I got the better end of the deal. He said I might be able to find someone who'd actually pay me a buck for a foil Mountain.. heh.

The rest of the evening was spent in a couple of drafts. The first one I was sitting next to my friend Hampton, and I will forever be hearing about how I grabbed a second pick Broodstar over Tel-Jilad Archers or some other quality green card, after I had picked a first pick Crystal Shard.

I'm sure he was probably right, because he was handing me Green stuff and pack two saw even more good Green. In the third pack, I had to choose between Sword of Light and Shadow and Skullclamp. I passed the Clamp. I didn't win.

My second draft I decided to pay more attention to the signals, and when I was handed a second pick Reiver Demon after a first pick Crystal Shard, I went deep Black. I got a lot of quality Black, and was particularly happy with the fifth pick Greater Harvester I was handed in the Darksteel pack.

I won that draft.

During that last round of day one, I stopped by and checked out to see who was at the top tables. Almost all of the names were there. Seeing Billy Jensen playing Nate Heiss as he was scribbling his life total on the back of the results slip was fun.

The next morning, I borrowed a Sharpie from Jon, and had Nate sign my foil Mountain. When he said that I might want to get cards signed by Eubroken or Mike Turian, who were both sitting there, I chuckled that, when you read the reports from these guys, you can tell who the real powerhouse on the team is. I congratulated Mike on his Top 8 at Amsterdam. I probably should have said something to Eubroken, but saying congratulations to him seems somehow redundant.

I noticed that Dave Williams and Michael Pustilnik were both in the PTQ for San Diego that day.

In the middle of registration, one of the Pro Tour guys came walking by the tables and shouted out"Look! It's the Mexican Mike Turian!" And sure enough there was a guy who I've seen at these NorCal Tournaments who does look a lot like Turian, just sitting there.

Turian came over and stared for a second, and it was one of those weird moments where you're sure that someone's dad had some explaining to do.

When the Twilight Zone music stopped and Turian walked away, the only thing left for me to do was lose to a Soul Foundry with Viridian Shaman imprinted on it, lose to Skullclamp and Slug, wander down to Jack London Square, and have Jon open some Darksteel packs I'd won a few weeks earlier, only to have him laugh at me because two of them were Puking Ceremony.

I'm tired.

I'm done.

Next time, go to your own GP,

Brent Holtsberry

NOSPAMbrenthberry@yahoo.com