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"Give me your unloved, your ignored, your pitiful carpet magnets. And let me shine the light on them one last time."
"Kenny! Kenny! Kenny!"
(drum roll)
"Live from the New Olympic Auditorium in beautiful downtown Hogshooter, Oklahoma, Busco Charlie Hardware presents 'The Third Annual Most Unloved Magic Cards'! Tonight, we are featuring ten spells from the Mirrodin Block. You'll laugh, you'll cry, but mostly you'll say, 'Hey, I forgot all about that card! So let's introduce our host, he's the man with too much time on his hands, Kennnneeeeey McElhaney!!"
(Applause, whoops, and whistle sounds)
"How are y'all doin' tonight?"
"Whooooop! Whooooop! Kenny! Kenny! Kenny!"
"Alright, alright, let's turn our attention now to those cards you left at the bottom of your shoe boxes for the past two years. They may not be the worst, heck, they may even be pretty fair....Not!"
(The audience pipes up)
"Whoa, don't go there! Kenny! Kenny! Kenny!"
"Okay, okay. Without further adieu, let's introduce the Ten Most Unloved Cards in Mirrodin Block!"
Banshee's Blade
The Ashlee Simpson of the equipment set. By paying four mana, you can cast and equip your creature with this baby. It will add...well, nothing until combat damage is assessed. So after a turn or two, Banshee's Blade will be just as effective as Bonesplitter, which you would've paid one less to cast and one less to equip. But never mind the little details like that!
Battlegrowth
Look at that artwork. The "Green Wolverine" has arrived to kick some booty. Stand back, mere mortals, as this wave of destruction places one +1/+1 counter on some terrifying green beastie.
Who wants to waste their time casting something pitiful like Giant Growth when you can make your opponent scoop, wet his pants, and cry for mommy at the mere sight of Battlegrowth?!
Blinkmoth Infusion
A street corner, somewhere in the dark part of the city.
"Who are you?"
"I'm Blinkmoth Infusion."
"Uh, should I know you?"
"You should. I cost fourteen to cast, minus one for every artifact you control."
"Why would I want to cast you?"
"So you can untap all your artifacts. Isn't that impressive?"
"Who are you again?"
Blinkmoth Urn
I like the ability. I like the artwork. So how much does it cost? Five! Well, I hope it likes my trade book, 'cause that's where it's gonna stay.
Chimney Imp
The poster boy of the unloved and subject to a stream of ridicule lasting as long as my voice holds out, the Chimney Imp can be found on the opposite end of the scale from Skullclamp. But the Imp should be banned as well, if only for the continued sanity of all who might be stuck with it in a booster draft.
Groffskithur
Second only to Copperhoof Vorrac for most ridiculous name in Mirrodin, his ability is for masochists only. After all, why would you want to see this overpriced critter leap from the graveyard to your hand because your "idiot" opponent decided to block your elf?
Lich's Tomb
Are you a Magic player with no self esteem? Are you living in constant fear of failure? Well have I got the answer for you! Lich's Tomb will not only keep you from dying each time your life total plummets to zero (which is every time you play, of course). It will also reinforce the belief that you cannot improve at Magic, and you will ultimately wind up writing cheap gags about little-used Magic cards. (The horror - The Ferrett)
Mana Geyser
Hey, did your opponent hard-cast a Blinkmoth Infusion with no artifacts on his side of the board? Well, then, we might've found a situation where Mana Geyser could do you some good!
Reversal of Fortune
Actually, this spell got some press when it first came out. But unless you can see your opponent's hand before spending six to cast this thing, it's too much of a crap shoot. Unless you can take some pride in saying, "Aha! I will copy your Twiddle and tap your Welding Jar. Take that!"
Turn the Tables
The feeling of redirecting your opponent's twenty-point Fireball from your dome to incinerate his Raging Goblin must be akin to driving a 1973 Ford Pinto in a demolition derby. Oh, wait; you can't do that, either, since it's only combat damage. That's even worse.
"Hey kids! Don't hit the back button yet, as we have a special bonus unloved card for y'all!"
Vicious Betrayal
The definition of Catch-22: If you have enough creatures to make this spell worthwhile, then you have enough creatures to win the game already. Of course, let us not overlook the fact that one of the few ways the game of Magic can come close to the feeling of getting married, having kids, or winning the lottery is seeing your opponent cast Vicious Betrayal and sacrifice all but one of his creatures while you have Ethereal Haze in your hand.
"Well, folks, that's all we have for tonight. I hope you enjoyed the show."
"Kenny! Kenny! Kenny!"
"Before we go, I'd like to thank each and every one in the studio audience here tonight. Thanks, Mom!"
"No problem, son! Whoop, whoop! Kenny! Kenny! Kenny!"
"Goodnight - and see you again next year!!!"
