Unhinged. Yet another taste of the chaos brewed inside of the Wizards of the Coast R&D Department, and unleashed only after years of begging and pleading. Was it a success? Many eagerly awaited the previews each night with bated breath, and some even wrote their thoughts and feelings on those wonderful cards as they began to appear.

While there are very few Cheatyface-style tips that just flat-out don't work after Maro's interventions and emergency errataings, there is yet more of the strange card ideas that some asked for more of. Allow us to now find the treats that I've got planned for my next menu, assuming I can garner the wages for some of the trickier purchases... I've still not gotten the hundred bucks for an electric eraser.

Let us start with an appetizer.

Potatoes Au'Shoetten
Just like World Bottling Kit and the electric eraser trick, Shoe Tree requires special equipment. Thankfully, the equipment isn't as pricey as World Bottling Kit's, and is something that 90% of Magic Players should have with them.

But the "counters" mentioned only have to belong to you - they don't have to be wearable. "Wait... shoes that can't be worn?" you think. "Do you want me to get my bronzed baby shoes and put them onto a card, risking them getting nicked up?" No, I don't recommend that, as the brass may damage and mark the Shoe Tree...

But what do baby shoes cost on sale at your local used clothes shop? Fifty cents? A quarter? Go ask Chad Ellis, he'll probably know and write you an article in response on how to get the best deal.

Aside from small and manageable shoes, you can obtain shoes never intended to be consumed by human beings of the living type, or human beings at all. Go to a garage sale and look through the little kid's toys. See the bucket belonging to Mister Potato Head? By the time of a garage sale, this "Bucket of Parts" has become "Bucket of a potato-shaped piece of plastic and four pairs of shoes." Your price? Usually about fifty cents or less, as people realize subconsciously that "All Feet and No Eyes" is just an obscure song about things The Ferrett enjoys*, and probably not much fun to the average garage sale go-er.

A similar tech can be used from Barbie/Ken/12"GI Joe figure accessory packs, assuming the kid whose toys are up for grabs didn't play with those toys (so the small footwear wasn't lost).

The one downfall of this technique: The shoes still belong to Potato Head, as it was his bucket of parts. Make sure to slip a dollar into his desiccated plastic corpse as payment for his shoes. Make sure he gives you a receipt, too. The eye socket works best for holding a pencil.

A slightly skewed vision of this same technique notices that the shoes do not have to be empty. Remember the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and their action figure ilk? Remember how their legs were detachable and reattachable? How does ripping the feet off of Shredder and getting a 5/5 for five splashable mana sound? Sounds good to me, and to some twisted souls it may even be fun.

I'd recommend not using toys that don't have easily reattached feet, though. Chopping the feet off of your M.U.S.C.L.E. figures isn't too smart when they're worth a buck each. However, depending on the discretion of your host/unsanctioned tournament organizer/local rules authority, the feet may be allowed to stay on your MUSCLE and still count as "shoes" instead of "legs with body attached, clearly owned by someone or thing other than the player."

Gluetius Maximus and Cheese
Take One Cup Whole Gluetius Maximus (shredded cards are not tournament legal, nor are they tradable). Trade them in for store credit at your nearest card shop, and hope to God they need a lot of them.

With the money, purchase four copies of the 8th Edition Core Game and thus four Silverback Gorillas, both in digital and paper form. The store will be glad to have the shelf space returned to them for what is effectively two five-dollar Vizzerdrix. Marvel at how much better the Gorilla is, and how Maximus is overcosted by a full G when compared to Six-y Beast. Use your should-not-only-be-in-8th-edition's-Core-Game Apes instead of Gluetius Maximus.

An alternate to this easy-five-mana-hard-to-splash-5/5 is similar to the Shoe Tree technique above, and would be to cut off the chosen finger and place it onto the card when played. That gives you a total of ten beatings with this card, and afterwards a difficulty using many things in life... but I'd have to hand it to you that you're brave and willing to win at any cost.

Then again, I'd have to hand you a lot of other things, too.

Excess Cards With Nasal Dipping Sauce
If Peter Szigeti ever played Collector Protector against me, I'd concede there and then. This card does not state the condition of the card to be given, nor the state of cleanliness.

Everybody has some old cards they played with before they found the beauty of sleeves. Many people have a few cards written upon as proxies floating around their room. Some people may even have cards they've cut into many pieces to get some portion of artwork or game symbols off of to make customized cards with some tape. A pile of pieces to your opponent and prevent a damage to yourself? An unplayable condition card to your opponent, prevent this guy from dying?

Not bad.

Let's try another technique. Roll a common into a small tube, stick it in one of your orifices, and hand it to your opponent. Granted, they may refuse to take the card... but you did give it to them. It's not your fault they didn't take it. Let's go to Merriam-Webster.com for the official wording of Give: "to offer for consideration, acceptance, or use (definition 12)." See? The act of Giving only requires the offer... not the acceptance.

Using one disgusting card over and over, if you can stand the discomfort of the card in the meantime, may be the best strategy you can use with Collection Protector. Your deck might be excrement, but most people don't want cards that smell like your deck.

Unfortunately, you cannot pass off your excess Netrunner or Deadlands: Doomtown cards to people whose curiosity may be piqued by the sight of the dead game's card, as MaRo says only Magic cards are legal. This may allow marked playing cards from "Magic Decks," but I'd doubt it; preventing 54 damage for a dollar and 54 white mana is too cheap for MaRo. Wizards of the Coast wants you to hand out pieces of cardboard you paid an average of a quarter for to prevent damage. So it goes.

Stone-Cold Basilisk Over A Glaze Of Corrosive Ooze
I'll simply give you a situation from the Unhinged Release event I 5-0'd.

Me: "After that attack, Stone-Cold Basilisk. Your turn."
Him (untaps, draws a card, plays a land) "What's that card do?"
Me (handing over the Basilisk) "He Stones you. My turn?"

If your opponent is a good player, however, he'll simply know what the card does. There's a workaround here, however, that also works with Corrosive Ooze; pick up the card and say "Have you seen this card yet?" and hand it to them. It's only natural to take the card in hand and look at it, causing either some damage or an effective loss-of-turn. Make sure you take precautions against this technique.

Nearly Budda Burger (One With Nearly Everything)
Greater Morphling is the newest card with Banding. Oh So Wonderful Banding, an ability who's return I have hoped for since Weatherlight. Finally, Banding is possible on a creature with a toughness that's the correct amount: as much as you need. First, read The Rule of Law on Banding. After you've got a firm grasp of banding, slip this guy into your deck and swing with it, another copy of it, and some random creature with a nice Basilisk-like ability. Then enjoy the double-strike and power-pumping, following with a toughness-pumping when damage is on the stack.

If you've got mana to spare, give the Greater Morphling just about any ability of your choice other than Landhome. If they try to kill it, give it protection from the critterkill's color. If they use Royal Assassin on it, counter the ability upon resolution. If they blow up their Apocalypse Chime or hit their Golgothian Sylex, do nothing; that expansion symbol ability won't help unless you've taken control of an opponent's Greater Morphling when they activate an expansion-specific card.

This guy is a Box of Tools to make John Rizzo proud. After all of that on your turn, then pay two mana to untap and block with it. To be even cuter, toss in an Earthcraft and pair of High Tides or Wild Growths. What fun, what fun.

Then make it a Spirit when they try to Rend its Flesh... and remember, sometimes Artist Matters. The only thing really needed is "2: Deal one damage to target permanent."

Lips L'Sorre
"SORRY! SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY! I'M SORRY!"
- Bug, from Uncle Buck starring John Candy

The movie Uncle Buck is rated PG, and ratings are a form of Censorship. Censorship should not be practiced in a civilized society, as it reinforces social mores and bores the hell out of most people.

Restrictions based on age, however, may be advisable, and ratings may keep those little creatures from harming themselves with things they should not know. The Loose Lips of adults, however, may quote movies like Uncle Buck and expose children to such terrible things.

In all seriousness, Loose Lips requires a whole sentence to be spoken, not several exclamations. Eight statements of "Sorry" in a row would count according to Mark Rosewater, however - and with the right setup, it would cause thirty-two points of life to be lost. After the twelve needed enchantments are in a deck, stick in a few Brainstorms and Mises to get to the needed cards, and then fill the deck out with some cheap, plentiful, and abandoned Merfolk to slap a Lips on. Beatdown and card drawing wrapped into one!

Make note that Loose Lips requires your opponent to say the phrase, but choosing a word for Censorship (or a sentence for Loose Lips) allows you to simply write down what you wish to specify. Now you either draw two cards, or allow your opponent to take at least sixteen damage to prevent you from doing so. Too bad there's not been a Copy Enchantment card printed, yet. I guess you'll just have to use Aura Graft to swap around the blocked Loose Lips.

4 Loose Lips
4 Sorry
4 Censorship
4 Brainstorm
4 Mise
4 Aura Graft
14 various Merfolk or other blue creatures, seasoned to personal taste.
22 lands producing blue mana

Ambiguity Entree
Blue/Green Control just loves this card. It plays a Spike, then counters the next spell they play. It then follows up with a Counterspell or Spell Counter for the spell played after that one, and gets a Spike or Arcbound with an additional +1/+1 next turn...

Granted, this gives the whole group a good reason to gang up on it and beat it down, especially the player to your right. Some Hesitation might help out, though it may get your head beaten in even quicker.

I shudder to think about what would have happened had this been in Mirrodin.

Bounce can form a nice accompaniment to it, with cards like Equilibrium. Play out an Arcbound Worker or Spike Drone, pay an additional one mana, bounce another of that creature, and counter the next spell of your choice. With multiple Ambiguities, a single Counterspell can make a Drone a 3/3 for a single green mana, or possibly even more.

Squirrel Fondue With Amulet On The Half Shell
Form of the Squirrel does not prevent you from playing abilities. Crown of the Ages will give you an effective Diplomatic Immunity. Elvish Piper will still pull out creatures from your hand, and Cursed Scroll will still smack your opponent for damage. Umbilicus will still...

Hey, wait a minute.

Umbilicus.

Hmmm...

Umbilicus (or its new incarnation, Blood Cloak) reminds me of some tricks with Sarcomancy. Bounce Form of the Squirrel and replay it. The squirrel token in play still has the "You lose the game" clause, as well as will the new squirrel, but of course you've the 1/1 token can easily be killed... It's only you who can't be targeted. The Squirrel itself is easily Shocked or Terrored.

So bouncing the Form of the Squirrel doesn't actually open you up to more abuse than it would seem... a few castings of Form of the Squirrel and you'll have a nice army of squirrel tokens, all of them you. Remember that Combat Damage is dealt simultaneously, so your opponent will lose before you do, as the "you lose the game" ability is triggered.

It's a good thing this card wasn't Form of the Wurm, or Wizards of the Coast would have Frank Herbert's estate on their ass.

Status A La Boxsets
Symbol Status is one of the most broken cards in Unhinged if used correctly. Given the number of expansions that Magic: The Gathering has had thus far, it's possible to get at least forty different tokens.

How? Well, there's Arabian Nights, Antiquities, Legends, The Dark, Fallen Empires, Ice Age, Alliances, Homelands, Mirage, Visions, Weatherlight, Tempest, Stronghold, Exodus, Urza's Saga, Urza's Legacy, Urza's Destiny, Mercadian Masks, Nemesis, Prophecy, Invasion, Planeshift, Apocalypse, Odyssey, Torment, Judgement, Onslaught, Legions, Scourge, Mirrodin, Darksteel, Fifth Dawn, Champions of Kamigawa, Betrayers of Kamigawa, and Saviors of Kamigawa for the expansions.

That's thirty-five expansions of Magic out so far, not including Chinese Fifth Edition (with the "V" expansion symbol, Sixth Edition, Seventh Edition, and Eighth Edition. Still more is the Harper-Prism Promotional Cards, Dragon Con's promotional Nalathni Dragon card, the DCI's two different promotional card symbols, the Beatdown boxed set, and the Duelmasters boxed set.

That's forty-four 1/1 creatures for so little mana if you plan right - and that's only the Always Were Tournament Legal sets. Include Portal 1, Portal 2, Portal: Three Kingdoms, Magic Starter '99, and then Unhinged and Unglued for fifty different Magic expansion symbols possible.

...And who says we can't reuse the stamps we made for use with World Bottling Kit to destroy our opponent's board?? If you carved those potatoes small enough, that's a very large amount of creatures from one potato-stamped/altered land, and a lot cheaper than a Myr Incubator.

Until next time (depending on feedback, of course), bon appetit!

...or something...

Sic Semper,
The Orgg
Proud Member of the Casual Players' Alliance
"The Orgg" or similar nearly everywhere online.
"CPAlliance The Orgg" on Magic Online.
Creator of Mr. T vs. Magic: The Gathering and Mr. T vs. Johnny Bravo, Audio Style

* - If you're over eighteen, look up The Ferrett online and you'll figure out what the song's about. It's not Science Fiction, though it may be some sort of fiction.