When a new set like Ravnica is released, you can usually tell what card will be the most Spike-hyped piece of cardboard by browsing the spoiler and isolating the most boring card in it. Given that, it's no surprise to me that Suppression Field is currently the pallid fetish object of serious-minded spellslingers everywhere. Before that, it was Pithing Needle. Before that, Hokori, Dust Drinker.* Before that, Cranial Extraction. Before that, Krark-Clan Ironworks or Crucible of Worlds.
Sheesh. I'm Canadian and even I don't like hosers this much.
I can just imagine the conversation in the underground Spike laboratories:
"Ooh boy, fellas! Look at Suppression Field!"
"Mwahahaha! We can make people pay more for stuff!"
"Well, some stuff."
"I hate those stupid fetchlands!"
"Yeah, me too! Let's get 'em!"
"You know what else I like to suppress? My sexual desires."
"I suppress my emotions!"
"Let's grow up to be accountants!"
"Good call!"
[high fives]
I mean, seriously, when hosing fetchlands turns your crank, you should have your crank examined. It's probably defective, or, at the very least, a bad metaphor.
I kid the Spikes. I love ya - even though I'm basically a Johnny, which means we're having a blood feud of some kind. My Johnny-ness should be obvious to the six people who've read my previous articles. What even they might not know, because I keep it hidden, is that I have a little Timmy grafted to my abdomen - like Kuato from Total Recall, only cuter. As a result, I have an abnormal affection for creatures. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Some of my best friends are creatures.
My father's a creature.
Let me rephrase that. Some of my favorite cards are creatures. In particular, creatures that can search my library for things, all Johnny-like. These Dewey-decimal-knowing, research assistant-types include Skyshroud Poacher, Riptide Shapeshifter, and Zirilan of the Claw. Sometimes, these cards become the basis for big-time tournament decks; I'm thinking now of Academy Rector, Eternal Dragon, and, most recently, Godo, Bandit Warlord.
Yeah, yeah, and a whole bunch of goblins.
These cards have something to offer everyone, whether you're a Timmy, Johnny, Spike, or Kuato. Nevertheless, I can say without hyperbole that Ravnica features a card that has gotten me a million times more excited than all of those other cards combined!
"Show Me On The Doll Where The Aura Touched You.": A Frank Discussion
If you've read Grandmaster Flores' Furious Five-Part Ravnica Constructed Review (okay, it was seven parts), you might think that I'm talking about Aura-touched Mage. You might think I'm talking about Civic Wayfinder. You might even think I'm talking about my ex-girlfriend, but that would make no sense at all.
And, more to the point... You would be wrong.
As much as I'd like to be, I'm not talking about inappropriate aura-touching. I'm talking about the Transmute cards. The last set with this many common tutors was Scourge - which, not coincidentally, is one of my favorite sets of all time. You might even see some Landcyclers and/or Fierce Empaths in this very article!
The fun part for me is to find a card that works particularly well with each Transmute card - its soul mate, as it were. So far I'm calling these card-pairs "Transmute Tandems." Given more time, I'm sure I could come up with something comparably lame. Like "Transmute Twosomes." Or "Transmute Tag-teams." Or more pretentious still: "The Transmutuals." Everyone knows about Brainspoil and Battle of Wits, but how about these ones:
Dimir Infiltrator and Mask of Memory.
Dimir House Guard and Breeding Pit and Grave Pact.
Drift of Phantasms and Wall of Air.
Those are just off the top of my head and off the cuff. If I had cuffs on the top of my head, they'd be off them, too. If you have some better Tandems, I'd love to hear about them in the forums... But I've been focusing my attention on another Transmute card, so these ones got the short shrift. In fact, their shrift is so short, you need a magnifying glass to see it. The card I am going to focus on will not get the short shrift. Its shrift will be unusually, disproportionately, and freak-tastically long.
I'm referring, of course, to the unshorn shrift of Netherborn Phalanx.
Buckle up, folks. This article has enough deck to choke a donkey.
The poor man's Kokusho, the Evening Star, Big Nethers can be a multiplayer bomb. Notice the "Each opponent ..." part of the rules text. It's Stronghold Discipline on a stick. An asymmetrical stick. It's basically Stronghold Discipline on a [expletive deleted]. If that's not enough, Netherborn Phalanx is also the only non-Soldier Phalanx in the game!
Hmm ... That gives me an idea:
This deck has a little of everything: all four Magic Phalanges, some Camels, a few Lepers, trace amounts of not-completely-sucking, and more Banding than you can shake a Baton of Morale at. In this deck, Wave of Reckoning might as well be called Wave of Not-Killing-Your-Banding-Creatures. You think this deck doesn't have what it takes? Don't make me open up a can of ground-stall on you!
All right, fine. I said it was an idea, not a good idea.
Forget that. After much searching, I discovered a few combos that give new meaning to the word "doozy." In fact, if you haven't seen a real doozy in a little while, you might not even recognize them. They might even shock you. I gathered them all together under one roof, because that is how many roofs my house has. Netherborn Phalanx at my side, I briefed these new recruits:
"I need you for an assignment the Chief's given me the go-ahead on. A duty few men are fit for, but you were born for. It's a muscle job and a shooting job."
"Uh, sir, I'm an inanimate piece of cardboard, not a tough, yet sensitive, police officer."
"Right."
Moving along. I humbly introduce to you: Netherborn Phalanx and its hetero-life-partner, Infernal Genesis. Folks, this one is a love affair for the ages, like Bogie and Bacall, Bert and Ernie, or Jenna and Bella. Infernal Genesis pumps out tons of 1/1 Minion tokens for everyone, then Netherborn Phalanx punishes your opponents for having them. What one hand giveth, the other hand taketh away. The best part is, the "other hand" fetcheth the "one hand"!
The scheme isn't perfect, of course. If you use your Phalanxes as tutors, or if they get milled by your Infernal Genesis, or if you just lose them to discard, you might quickly find all your eggs in one Netherborn basket. The other problem is that, naturally, people are going to be sweeping the board with their Wrath of Gods, their Pernicious Deeds, and their Swiffer WetJets. To combat these problems, to turn this pas de deux into a ménage a trois, I'm going to add the missing third ingredient:
Twilight's Call.
Now we're cooking with evil gas! So, let's slap together sixty ... er ... build some decks, shall we?
When I decided to find ways to abuse Netherborn Phalanx, the first thing that came to mind was Mono-Black Control. Of course, this will be a peculiar kind of MBC - one that doesn't want to kill creatures. It's a black deck that denies its true nature. Instead, this deck will rely on a policy of containment. My first idea involves crippling economic sanctions. Failing that, I'll try Urza's Armor.
"That's some serious Rattlesnake action right there."
"I like the way you think!"
"No idea is too dumb for me."
"I'm pretending to be Eron the Relentless right now..."
"Mise!"
"... and I like my Magic the way I like my sex: casual."
"But, Eron, aren't you a virgin?"
"Good call!"
[high fives]
However, to save on mana, let's go with Thunderstaff instead. This card's damage prevention is limited to combat damage, unlike Urza's Armor, but that will still be good enough to keep those Minions in check. Another neat thing about Thunderstaff is that it can pump up attacking creatures - but they don't have to be your attacking creatures. Feel free to monkey with everyone's combat math. It's like a Mono Artifact version of Mightstone! That's pretty cool, I'll admit - but really, it's all about the mana savings.
That brings me to the biggest issue with this deck: the mana curve. Building a deck around a six-mana card that can only tutor for six-mana cards would seem to lead inevitably to a deck with a Fundamental Turn sometime in 2017. Luckily, that is not the case. I have mapped out a few ways to ease the mana burden, while still allowing you to maximize the tutoring-potential of Netherborn Phalanx:
1. Landcyclers: Told you they'd be here. Each color has one that costs six mana, but Twisted Abomination is probably the most relevant. They also have great synergy with both Infernal Genesis and Twilight's Call. Don't forget that you can Landcycle for the appropriate Ravnica dual lands (as well as the old Revised duals, obviously).
2. Affinity Spells: There are only two spells with Affinity for Artifacts that cost six: Somber Hoverguard and Into Thin Air. Neither one is very exciting within the framework I've established. However, the Affinity for Land creatures (Oxidda Golem, Razor Golem, and Spire Golem) are more appealing, the last two in particular.
3. Alternate Play Cost Spells: You can do a couple things here. There are actually a few six-mana APC cards: Fireblast, Pulverize, Pyrokinesis, and Spinning Darkness. The first two probably won't make the cut, since their alternate cost defeats the purpose of playing free spells to ease your mana woes. Pyrokinesis is the most promising; Spinning Darkness is probably too slow, too restricted in its targeting, and will likely get in the way of Twilight's Call.
The other thing you could do is just play whatever six-mana cards you want, and fill the rest of the deck with pitch cards and card drawing. That idea might be too nutty, even for Oh Henry.
4. Patrons: I thought I'd mention them separately, even though they are basically APC spells. There are only two that cost six - Patron of the Akki and Patron of the Kitsune - and both of them have tremendous synergy with Infernal Genesis. We'll keep them in mind.
5. Morph Creatures: There are a few good ones in the six-slot, such as Exalted Angel, Quicksilver Dragon, Root Elemental, Silent Specter, and Woodcloaker.
Okay, maybe not Woodcloaker.
Beyond that, we'll have to use some plain old mana acceleration.
"Do All Men Give Names To Their Decks?": A Lengthy Tangent
Before I unveil my ridiculous lists, I'd like to talk a little about deck-naming conventions. Others have examined this area of Magic already, but I am compelled to add my two cents. Without thinking too much, I have isolated four deck-naming methods. The first and most common method of naming a deck is also the most descriptive. It generally involves mention of the deck's colors, key card, strategy (Aggro, Control, Combo), or some combination of the three. For example: Mono-Blue Control, Aluren, and B/G/u Gifts. When in doubt, and even when not in doubt, use this kind of deck name.
The second method is what I call the "Crystal Witness Method." This is where you take the first word of one of the deck's key cards (Crystal Shard) and the last word of another key card (Eternal Witness), and mash 'em together. Voila! Crystal Witness. I actually like this name. Unfortunately, it's the exception to the rule. Other exceptions include CounterPhoenix, Flame Vault, Scepter Chant, Ernham-Geddon, and Masknaught. I know it seems like there are a lot of good examples, but trust me: they are all exceptions! The vast majority of the time you use this method, you will end up with a name that sounds like a crappy Forgotten Realms novel or an even crappier death metal band. This method is a crutch for the uninspired. Use it at your own peril.
Speaking of uninspired, have you seen the names of the Pre-Constructed decks? Ninjutsu, Spiritcraft, Sunburst, Domain, Mercenaries. Those are deck names. Guess what mechanic each one features? The rest of the pre-con decks sound like they came out of Zoolander's repertoire of "looks" (Devastation, Ivory Doom), or have names that could be used to describe literally any deck which uses the same colors (Disruptor, Pulverize, Little Bashers, Killbot Factory). In fact, the names are usually so dull that it literally took me until five minutes ago to realize that "Sacrificial Bam" was a play on "Sacrificial Lamb." I guess I just wasn't expecting that kind of cleverness. Luckily, things seem to have changed for the better with Ravnica, even though "Golgari Deathcreep" sounds suspiciously like a metal band.
(A quick aside: My absolute favorite pre-con name has to be Apocalypse's "Painflow." No doubt named during a particularly hormonal time for R&D, this deck paved the way for Odyssey's "Cramps" and Onslaught's "Weird Cravings.")
The last method I'll discuss is the non sequitur. According to Wikipedia, one of the definitions of non sequitur is as follows (brace yourself for some learnin'!):
"A non sequitur is a literary device; in comedy (as opposed to in formal logic), it is a comment which, due to its lack of meaning relative to the comment it follows, is absurd to the point of being humorous. Its use can be deliberate or unintentional. Literally, it is Latin for "it does not follow." In other literature, a non sequitur can denote an abrupt, illogical, unexpected or absurd turn of plot or dialogue not normally associated with or appropriate to that preceding it."
This brand of deck name used to be a prominent feature of Vintage, which had such straightforward deck titles as Eon Blue Apocalypse (EBA), Cerebral Assassin, and A Beautiful Mind (ABM).
Confused? You should be. Everyone knows that these decks are much more easily identified as Fiends, Teen Titans, and A Bowel Movement.
Nowadays, non sequitur deck names seem to be the exclusive domain of Legacy. You've got a mono-white control deck? No, sir, it's Rabid Wombat. A High Tide combo deck? No, silly man-fool, it's Solidarity. Enchantress? Wrong again, my friend, it's Solitaire. I realize that other formats are probably just as bad ... but seriously: Rabid Wombat? I mean, Fungus Fires is a dumb name, but ... Rabid Wombat? For a MWC deck? It's like Six Degrees of Legacy Deck Names:
1. Rabid Wombat combos well with Auras.
2. Auras can be read by psychics.
3. There's a psychic in the movie Serenity.
4. Serenity is the name of white Magic: The Gathering card.
5. This deck has white Magic: The Gathering cards.
6. Ergo, this deck is Rabid Wombat!
It all makes perfect sense. Not!
Schwing.
Anyway, without further ado, the decks:
Generic Name: Mono-Black Combo-Control
"Crystal Witness" Names: Netherborn Genesis, Infernal Phalanx, Nether-staff, Will-o'-Souls, Sensei's Corrupting Top, Twisted Wisp, Cabal of Souls, Wisplicant, etc.
Pre-Con Name: Totally Odious
Legacy Name: The Legend of Ron Burgundy
The plan here is to stall with Will-o'-the-Wisp, Wall of Souls, and Thunderstaff until you can get Infernal Genesis online. Once that happens, Sensei's Divining Top and Volrath's Stronghold will let you get the most Minion tokens. Duplicant is there as a transmutable way of dispatching Akroma, Angel of Wrath or Darksteel Colossus, and Corrupt can be used as creature kill, life-gain, an alternate win condition, or a fabric softener, depending on the situation.
Other possible inclusions: Caustic Tar, Mindslaver, Nightmare, Planar Portal, Haunted Crossroads, and Oversold Cemetery.
Now, if you'll indulge me for a minute, I've wanted to write about this since Judgment:
Generic Name: Minion Tribal
"Crystal Witness" Names: Balthor the Skullclamped, Nether-Shredder
Pre-Con Name: Scoop
Legacy Name: The Beach Boys
(Incidentally, I know that Skullclamp is not Legacy-legal and therefore giving this deck a Legacy name is pointless.)
I'll be frank: This deck is awful. Gigli awful. Gigli-with-Jar-Jar-Binks-in-it awful.
The real trouble with this deck is twofold. One, Minions are SLOOOoooow. There are precisely three one-drops: Sleeper Agent, Duskwalker, and Cabal Trainee. The first one, Sleeper Agent, is the best of the lot, and it's basically a bad Orcish Artillery. Plus, it's probably not something you'll want to play on the first turn anyway. Duskwalker isn't completely pitiful, but the fact that it's a vanilla 1/1 without the kicker means that it won't work well in a Bidding-style deck. The only use I can think of for Cabal Trainee would be to save your guys against the silly Wave of Reckoning deck a few pages up.
The two-slot isn't much better, with only Dauthi Cutthroat being playable. Playing a Minion theme-deck is like starting the game with a Feroz's Ban in play.
Two, as a tribe, Minions have about as much synergy as a fox and a chicken coop, or a Magic article and folksy wisdom. Sure, Balthor the Defiled and Infernal Genesis have synergy, but both effects are symmetrical. The rest of the half-decent Minions couldn't be any less synergistic with this combo. Phage the Untouchable is good, but I don't think I want to play her in a tribal deck where half of the best Minions are Balthor, Chainer, Dementia Master, and Body Snatcher. Braids, Cabal Minion is another good card, but it would take a shovel to the head before I played it with Infernal Genesis. Minions are a tribe full of Mogg Squads and Siege-Gang Commanders.
With that said, you make enough cards, eventually some interactions will be positive. Phyrexian Broodlings obviously gets along well with Sengir Autocrats and Infernal Genesis. Don't forget to sacrifice everything to the Broodlings before activating Balthor. This plan will never backfire. No, sir.
Minion of the Wastes is in there only because it stands alone as the six-mana Minion. The life-payment made me think that Miren, the Moaning Well might be a good addition.
Other possible inclusions: Sadistic Hypnotist, Chainer, Dementia Master, Body Snatcher, Dauthi Marauder, Dauthi Trapper, and Priest of Gix.
Anyway, Balthor the Defiled + Infernal Genesis = My Life Is Complete. Since that is finally out of my system, let's turn our attention away from pseudo-Bidding and toward a truer Bidding.
Generic Name: Horror Bidding
"Crystal Witness" Name: Horror Bidding
Pre-Con Name: Horrorama
Legacy Name: Lando Calrissian
The Horror-curve, like the Minion-curve, pretty much starts at two, and doesn't get really interesting until you hit the six-mana Horrors. How about a little card-by-card analysis?
Hunted Horror
I think that all of the Hunted creatures are very interesting in multiplayer. Not necessarily good, mind you, but they certainly offer up a lot of possibilities. In particular, I like the fact that this card puts thirteen power worth of creatures into play for a measly two mana. The gang-up-on-one-poor-schmuck potential is very appealing.
Faceless Butcher
Handles Darksteel Colostomy.
Krovikan Horror
It's an alternate win condition and a way to get creatures in the graveyard to maximize your Biddings. In a deck with a different focus, this card and Gleancrawler would make a very good team.
Laquatus's Champion
Okay, I have a confession to make: any deck based around Horrors and Patriarch's Bidding should unquestionably have four of these guys. I didn't put in the full four, because I wanted to have at least one deck with a "toolbox," even one as limited as this (nine-mana Mind Rots, anyone?). I was also worried that the deck would just be a Laquatus's Champion deck instead of a Netherborn Phalanx deck.
Genesis Chamber
I decided to put this in over Infernal Genesis because it's cheaper, and because it produces artifact creature tokens which can block the Protection from Black Centaurs produced by Hunted Horror.
Other possible inclusions: Phyrexian Gargantua, Mindslicer, Hell's Caretaker, Hidden Horror, and maybe Wayward Angel.
"Aren't You Just Using This Subheading As An Awkward Segue?": An Awkward Segue
Now, I know what you're thinking. "A planet where people juggle geese? That's preposterous!" And you're right, that is preposterous. You'd also be right if you are thinking that there are many interesting non-mono-black Netherborn Phalanx decks out there to be discovered. Here are a few from my files:
Generic Name: B/W Life-gain
"Crystal Witness" Names: Conclagate, Exalted Genesis, Scrubland Champion
Pre-Con Name: Truth Seekers
Legacy Name: Judas Priest
I only included Honorable Scout because I thought that Soul Warden might set off too many warning bells. Trust me, it's gonna get ridiculous if you get Infernal Genesis going. Exalted Angel is a Transmutable kill condition, while Patron of the Kitsune single-handedly neutralizes any benefit your opponents might derive from the Minion tokens. Beacon of Immortality edged out Twilight's Call for the last slot. It's a tossup, really. Either card should gain you absurd amounts of life. Just beware of False Cure!
Other possible inclusions: Razor Golem, Yosei, The Morning Star, Solar Tide, Icatian Town, Hand of Justice, Academy Rector, Enlightened Tutor, and Test of Endurance.
Generic Name: B/G Dual Nature Combo
"Crystal Witness" Names: Elves of Twilight, Spidersilk Revolt, Nature's Nature
Pre-Con Name: Transmute-o-matic
Legacy Name: Newfoundland Sligh
I skipped out Infernal Genesis in this one, but don't worry. If Hunted Troll, Dual Nature, and Forbidden Orchard don't supply your opponents with enough creatures, then Nature's Revolt probably will. There really isn't much to this deck - just a whole pile of Clamp-able mana-acceleration and token-generation. The Spidersilk Armors are there to prevent any retaliation by the Hunted Troll's Faerie nemeses and otherwise help defend you against flying creatures. Again, Duplicant helps out against Akroma and Darksteel Colormebadd.
Other possible inclusions: Avatar of Might (which is awesome with Hunted Troll), Fierce Empath, Viridian Shaman, Civic Wayfinder, Bone Shredder, Gravedigger, Doubling Season, and, obviously, Laquatus's Champion and Kokusho, the Evening Star.
I'm trying my best to avoid the latter, though, and have been this whole time. I'm so sneaky.
Generic Name: B/R Aggro-Combo
"Crystal Witness" Name: Pyro-Genesis, Cougar Infestation
Pre-Con Name: Red Thunder
Legacy Name: Tony Shalhoub
I've saved the best for last. This deck can produce far and away the most creature tokens with a combination of Varchild's War-Riders, Infernal Genesis, and the doubling power of Mogg Infestation. At the same time, it also has the most ridiculous transmutable finishers in Homura, Human Ascendant and Soulblast. The former is completely insane with Infernal Genesis, while the latter is, uh, also completely insane with Infernal Genesis. Especially with a flipped Homura. High Market is the easiest way to get the Monk to turn over, but in a pinch you can Pyrokinesis him, equip him with four Skullclamps, or, best of all, you can aim a Mogg Infestation at yourself, say goodbye to Homey, and say hello to (at least) two 3/3 Flying, fire-breathing Goblins.
Other possible inclusions: Goblin Marshal, Patron of the Akki, Kiki-Jiki, Mirror Breaker (why didn't I think of him earlier?), half of any dozen Dragons, Godo, Bandit Warlord, Tatsumasa, the Dragon's Fang, Volcanic Wind, Wake of Destruction, and the list goes on and on.
That's it for now.
I have Netherborn Phalanx decks coming out of my ears, and if I wrote about them all, we'd be here until Tuesday. I've got Snake decks, Goblin decks, Zombie decks. Variations on Astral Slide, and Affinity. Decks based around Crystal Shard, Dreams of the Dead, and Tortured Existence. Today's decks are just the tip of the iceberg.
I mean, I didn't even make a single U/B deck! In a way, I think that might be the most interesting combination, with the most useful toolbox. I'm thinking of Confiscate, Spinal Embrace, Time Spiral, Tunnel Vision (which could be good with Twilight's Call), and maybe Cultural Exchange. The card that I'm most looking forward to pairing with Infernal Genesis is obviously Day of the Dragons.
Can you say "Day of the Phalanx"?
Hope you had fun. As always, thanks for reading!
Chris Millar
Cmillar2 at hotmail dot com
* - Okay, it probably wasn't Hokori. But what was it? You'd think it was Umezawa's Jitte... But it wasn't. Seriously, see for yourself. It was Shining Shoal, if anything.
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