Okay – I know exactly what movies our readers want for the big wrap-up. Ones clearly inspired by the artwork on Gwendlyn Di Corci, and showcasing lots of oversized equipment. Ones with cleavage (albeit implant driven) to rival Contested Cliffs and… What? … Family site? … So I can’t do porn? … Fine. Okay. … Something for a "family site." … Any suggestions? … Mary Poppins!? Sheesh!
Betty Bops Boston was perfect deck fodder, too.
Mary fricken Poppins.
I have spent some time with my niece recently. Ellie’s two, and watches movies like this. I had to watch Mary Poppins at least twice. It beats Barney or the Wiggles, but…
Family site. Right.
Okay, Mary Poppins is a classic Disney musical, with Dick Van Dyke and Julie Andrews (you can see more of her in Blake Edward’s S.O.B., by the way.) It has singing and dancing and cute kids, and everything comes out fine. Sounds mono-black to me.
Anyway, the movie opens on this family with a banker father (Cabal Patriarch), distracted Suffragette wife (Cackling Witch), two insufferably cute kids (Infernal Spawn of Evil and Fledgling Imp) and lots of servants (Villainous Mob.) It seems the kids have driven off their old Nanny (Hell’s Caretaker) and need a new one. They write a letter (Decree of Pain) which their father tears up, but it floats up the chimney (Horror of Horrors!) (What, you prefer Chimney Imp?)
Anyway, the father writes a reasonable ad and lots of nannies (Cuombajj Witches) appear to try for the job. They line up, but Mary Poppins (Havoc Demon) summons a breeze (Plague Wind) to blow them all away. Mary gets the job, beginning a new era (Season of the Witch.)
She moves in, does some singing (Songs of the Damned) and magic (Dark Ritual) to clean up the kids’ room (Torture Chamber.) She unpacks her handbag (Bag of Holding… oops – wrong game.) She pulls out a lamp (Beacon of Unrest), a mirror (Mirror Universe), a coat rack (the Rack) and some other stuff (Implements of Sacrifice). Then Mary bribes the kids (Yawgmoth’s Bargain or Promise of Power) to get them to take their medicine (Bottle Gnomes).
There’s more singing and stuff, and then Mary Poppins and the kids go to the park where they meet Dick Van Dyke (Rag Man.) They then step into a chalk painting of a country scene (Haunted Graveyard, Cabal Pit) "with a little country fair just down the road" (Phyrexian Arena).
Now I didn’t watch all that carefully, but this sequence involves racing carousel horses (Nightmare), dancing penguins (Wake of Vultures) and noontime tea (Feast of the Damned.) Ellie likes this part. I had a different experience (Distress, Tortured Existence, Wrench Mind.) Fortunately, just as I was about to rip my own head off (Tendrils of Agony) it rains (Rain of Tears, Rain of Daggers), the chalk picture is wiped out (Expunge) and the cartoon sequence ends.
Mary Poppins gets a call that a friend (Misshapen Fiend) is sick (Nausea.) It turns out he is laughing (Hideous Laughter), which causes him to float around the room (not Levitation, it’s Blue – Phyrexian Splicer.) Mary forces everyone to be sad (Cruel Edict) and to sit up straight (Diabolic Edict), and that, apparently, solves the problem. There was also something involving a ship’s captain (Plaguebearer) and artillery (Fodder Cannon), but I didn’t watch closely so I probably missed something.
At this point, the father (Sengir Autocrat) decides that the family needs straightening out. He gives his son some money (Ill Gotten Gains) and tells him to deposit it at the bank. The kid gets sidetracked and give his money to an old lady (Childhood Horror) so he can feed the birds (Carrion Crow.) This somehow leads to the bank being ruined and the father fired, but it is all okay because the family decides to go fly kites (Journeyer’s Kite) instead.
I also remember that there was a long word (Word of Command), some singing and dancing involving chimney sweeps (Sink into Takenuma – sweep, get it?) and fireworks (Engineered Explosives.) Also dancing on rooftops (Terror) and everyone being friends (Grave Pact.) Everyone got covered in soot (Sootfeather Flock, Filth) but that makes them all happy (Brink of Madness.) Or something like that.
That’s the movie – just add some Swamps and it’s a deck.
Some day, in the not to distant future, computer gaming will allow us to interact with movies – to become part of the action. The characters will even be able to react to our (virtual) presence.
The world of Mary Poppins would make a sweet first person shooter.