People complain about the wrong things.

Really, they do. I see articles about Grand Prix byes, cheating, intentional draws, bannings, and so on. Those topics are all well and good, and they may give everyone something to read for a few minutes, but none of them even come close to addressing the very important issue faced by literally tens of players such as myself.

The problem is inconsistency.

People have mentioned the Whippoorwill that doesn't fly, the Hyalopterous Lemure that looks more like a lemur [1], Darba and Hunting Moa (birds which are Beasts), and the Caltrops that damage flying critters - but those are just one-off mistakes that could easily be swept under the rug and forgotten, right?

I like to have my cards organized so that when I get any sort of inspiration, I can build pretty much any deck I want without hunting for four hours to find the right cards. Granted, I don't have the world's largest collection, but I have enough that simply dividing them by color would present too many headaches for me during deckbuilding. Being the obsessive organizer that I am, I separate creatures from other spells, and sort everything alphabetically (and group all the enchantments together, as well as all the sorceries, etc.). Creatures are a special case, though, because they're not just creatures; each has a creature type. Simply putting them into alphabetical order leads to problems if I'm searching for Merfolk for a Fish deck or Elves for an Elfball deck. I don't want to have to go through every single blue or green creature I own to make sure I didn't pass up something useful, and I'm not about to memorize the nearly 5,000 different cards Wizards has seen fit to print.

Which is a long way of saying my point is near.

Has anyone noticed how poorly sorted the critter types are? I'm not just talking about the proliferation of Beasts in recent sets; this has been going on for quite some time.

Take the Ley Druid, for example, which has been around since Alpha.

It's a Cleric.

I wouldn't have a problem with that, except that with Antiquities came the Citanul Druid, which, lo and behold, is a Druid. Okay, so Wizards finally figured out that something that's an XYZ Druid should actually be a Druid. Great. Sort of. The Elder Druid, from Ice Age, is back to being a Cleric again. Well, at least I can take comfort in the fact that it was already established that a Druid could be a Cleric. So what about the Llanowar Druid from Weatherlight? It's an Elf, for crying out loud! Where did they pull that from? Did we really need that one extra Elf? Was that set lacking both Druids and Clerics? (No and no.)

Maybe this is an isolated incident. Perhaps it's just a sign of some miscommunication over the years in this one small area.

Yeah, and tomorrow I'm going to marry the Tooth Fairy.

It seems like such an easy concept, though. If a creature is a Foohead Bear, it should be of creature type Bear. How hard is that? Just ask the Spirits [2]. They began appearing on cards with the Thunder and Radjan Spirits, from Legends. Those are, in fact, Spirits, which would just tickle me pink were I so inclined. Unfortunately, the Spirit line has subsequently become tainted: The Subterranean Spirit is an Elemental, the Sustaining Spirit is a Guardian, the Guiding and Melesse Spirits are Angels, and the Chameleon Spirit is an Illusion. Welcome to my nightmare.

Of course, it doesn't end there. Oh, no. Apparently, around the time of Urza's Destiny / 6th Edition, Wizards decided that having sixteen different Giants around just wasn't enough. Not only should all the Hill Giants, Stone Giants, and Craw Giants be Giants, but so should all the Cyclops [3]. Hold on a moment. So we can keep around a creature type like Scorpion, which has only two members (one of which is from Portal/Starter), and which could be easily changed to Spider [4] - but the five Cyclops absolutely must be Giants? Were the Giants playing evil dictator or something, and annexing the Cyclops despite their peaceful protests?

I'm not even going to waste time wondering why the Skyshroud Troll is a Giant, while the Charging and Albino Trolls, which have the same power and toughness, are Trolls. The latter two are probably just better at flame bait.

What about cats? Surely, something so simple as felines couldn't be too hard to classify, could it? Well, the Pouncing Jaguar is a Cat, as is the Fleetfoot Panther. That's a good start, but the King Cheetah is too good to be a lowly Cat; he's a Cheetah. And I guess being the king of the jungle, M'tenda Lion wouldn't deign to be a Cat, either, so he's a Lion. I hear the Horned Cheetah and Glittering Lion are rather ticked off at those two.

Look at the silly monkey...


Aerathi Berserker - Berserker
Keldon Berserker - Soldier
(Not to mention the "race" berserkers like Ogre and Goblin, which are their respective race types.)

Agent of Shauku - Mercenary
Agent of Stromgald - Knight
Sleeper Agent - Minion

Angry Mob - Mob
Zombie Mob - Zombie

Argothian Elder,
Fyndhorn Elder - Elf
Revered Elder,
Samite Elder,
Temple Elder - Cleric
Village Elder,
Yavimaya Elder - Druid
Deepwood Elder - Spellshaper

Argothian Enchantress - Enchantress
Verduran Enchantress - Wizard
Yavimaya Enchantress - Druid

Ashen Ghoul - Ghoul
Barrow Ghoul,
Dakmor Ghoul,
Dauthi Ghoul,
Deepwood Ghoul,
Phyrexian Ghoul - Zombie

Auspicious Ancestor - Ancestor
Anaba Ancestor - Ghost

Aysen Crusader - Crusader
Soltari Crusader - Knight

Balduvian Horde - Barbarian
Barbarian Horde - Soldier
Pillaging Horde - Barbarian
Ravaging Horde - Soldier
(Demonic Hordes is a Demon, but that actually makes sense.)

Ballista Squad - Rebel
Heavy Ballista - Soldier

Barbarian Guides - Barbarian
Elvish Spirit Guide - Spirit
Karmic Guide - Spirit
Sacred Guide - Cleric

Benalish Hero - Hero
Intrepid Hero - Soldier

Benalish Lancer - Knight
Lancers en-Kor - Soldier

Balduvian Shaman - Cleric
Blighted Shaman - Wizard
(Again, avoiding the "race" critters, save for the Bone Shaman, which for some reason is a Giant - probably more of their tyranny at work.)

Benalish Emissary - Wizard
Soltari Emissary - Soldier
Wildfire Emissary - Efreet

Capashen Knight - Knight
Kjeldoran Skyknight - Soldier

Carnivorous Plant - Wall
Utopia Tree - Plant
Singing Tree - Singing-Tree

Carrion Ants - Ant
Saber Ants - Insect
Yavimaya Ants - Swarm

Cave Tiger - Cat
Sabretooth Tiger - Tiger

Cavern Harpy - Beast
Molting Harpy - Mercenary

Cinder Shade - Shade
Dungeon Shade - Spirit

Clergy en-Vec - Cleric
Clergy of the Holy Nimbus - Priest

Coffin Queen - Wizard
Jhovall Queen - Rebel
Pixie Queen - Pixie Queen
Sorceress Queen - Sorceress

Cosmic Horror - Horror
Fetid Horror - Shade

Crimson Roc - Roc
Roc Hatchling - Bird

Cuombajj Witches - Witch
Bog Witch,
Cackling Witch,
Divining Witch,
Plague Witch - Spellshaper

Dakmor Sorceress - Wizard
Sorceress Queen - Sorceress

Deepwood Wolverine - Wolverine
Wolverine Pack - Wolverine-Pack
(Which might make sense, except there's the Gorilla Pack of type Ape, the Mongrel Pack of type Hound, and the Wolf Pack of type Wolf.)

Doomsday Specter - Specter
Entropic Specter - Spirit

Dread Wight - Wight
Reclusive Wight - Minion

Elvish Champion - Lord
Ethereal Champion - Avatar
Keldon Champion - Barbarian
Soltari Champion - Soldier
Talruum Champion - Minotaur
Thrull Champion - Thrull

Elvish Farmer - Elf
Elvish Healer - Cleric
Treefolk Healer - Treefolk

Emerald Dragonfly - Dragonfly
Venomous Dragonfly - Insect
(also:
Giant Mantis - Mantis
Killer Bees - Bee
Swamp Mosquito - Mosquito)

Ertai's Familiar - Illusion
Foul Familiar - Spirit

Faerie Squadron - Faerie
Faerie Noble - Noble (the only creature with type Noble)

Fen Stalker - Nightstalker
Darkling Stalker - Shade
Urborg Stalker - Undead

Flowstone Shambler - Beast
Primeval Shambler - Mercenary
Urborg Shambler - Horror

Folk of An-Havva - Townsfolk
Folk of the Pines - Dryad
Scavenger Folk - Scavenger-Folk
(Honorable mention:
Nameless Race - Nameless-Race
People of the Woods - People-of-the-Woods)

Force of Nature - Force
Verdant Force - Elemental

Fyndhorn Brownie - Brownie
Shelkin Brownie - Faerie

Giant Albatross - Albatross
Kingfisher,
Mesa Falcon,
Sage Owl, etc - Bird

Giant Shark - Shark
Hammerhead Shark - Fish

Grave Robber - Robber
Highway Robber - Mercenary

Harbor Guardian - Guardian
Sanctum Guardian - Soldier

Icatian Priest - Cleric
Priest of Gix - Minion
Priest of Titania - Elf
Svyelunite Priest - Merfolk
Clergy of the Holy Nimbus - Priest

Jade Leech - Leech
Mana Leech - Worm

Karplusan Yeti - Yeti
Sylvan Yeti - Elemental

Keeper of Tresserhorn - Keeper
Keeper of the Beasts,
Keeper of the Dead,
Keeper of the Flame,
Keeper of the Light,
Keeper of the Mind - Wizard
Keeper of Kookus - Goblin

Kelsinko Ranger - Ranger
Elvish Ranger,
Norwood Ranger,
Quirion Ranger,
Skyshroud Ranger - Elf
Firebrand Ranger - Soldier
Ranger en-Vec - Soldier

Kjeldoran Dead - Skeleton
Walking Dead - Walking-Dead

Kjeldoran Warrior - Hero
Pious Warrior - Rebel
Sandstone Warrior - Soldier
Bola Warrior - Spellshaper
Warrior en-Kor - Knight

Llanowar Behemoth - Behemoth
Benthic Behemoth - Serpent
Skyshroud Behemoth - Beast

Longbow Archer - Soldier
Samite Archer - Cleric

Lord of Atlantis - Lord
Lord of the Pit - Demon

Lurker - Lurker
Marsh Lurker - Beast

Marsh Viper - Viper
Nafs Asp - Asp
Anaconda,
Python,
River Boa, etc - Snake

Metathran Transport - Ship
Rishadan Airship - Pirate

Minion of the Wastes - Minion
Minion of Leshrac - Demon
Minion of Tevesh Szat - Demon

Mistfolk - Mistfolk
Thakalos Mistfolk - Illusion

Moor Fiend - Fiend
Bellowing Fiend - Spirit
Bogardan Firefiend - Spirit
Cackling Fiend - Zombie
Misshapen Fiend - Mercenary
Phantasmal Fiend - Phantasm
Plague Fiend - Insect
Rathi Fiend - Mercenary
Spark Fiend - Beast

Moorish Cavalry - Cavalry
Llanowar Cavalry - Soldier

Mtenda Herder - Scout
Advance Scout - Soldier
Enslaved Scout - Goblin

Northern Paladin - Paladin
Charging Paladin,
Eastern Paladin,
Southern Paladin,
Steel Leaf Paladin,
Western Paladin - Knight

Obsidian Acolyte - Cleric
Multani's Acolyte - Elf

Order of the Ebon Hand - Cleric
Order of the Sacred Torch - Paladin
Order of the White Shield - Knight

Osai Vultures - Vulture
Wake of Vultures - Bird

Phantom Monster - Phantasm
Phantom Warrior - Illusion

Polar Kraken - Kraken
Tidal Kraken - Monster

Rysorian Badger - Badger
Rock Badger - Beast

Royal Herbalist - Cleric
Rushwood Herbalist - Spellshaper

Sawback Manticore - Manticore
Flailing Manticore - Monster

Serpent Assassin - Assassin
Notorious Assassin - Spellshaper
Rathi Assassin - Mercenary
Silent Assassin - Mercenary
Suq'Ata Assassin - Minion (errata changed it from, um, Assassin, of all things)

Serra Zealot - Soldier
Farrel's Zealot - Townsfolk

Spitting Cobra - Cobra
Voracious Cobra - Snake

Trade Caravan - Caravan
Aerial Caravan - Soldier

War Mammoth - Mammoth
Wild Mammoth - Elephant

Wayward Soul - Spirit
Lost Soul - Minion

Witch Hunter - Hunter
Abyssal Hunter - Minion
Treasure Hunter - Townsfolk


I realize that some of these have decent reasons for their types, like the Rishadan Airship, which appeared in a set where all the other Rishadan-prefixed creatures were of type Pirate, or the Phantasmal Fiend, which matches up with the other Phantasmal-prefixed creatures - but damn, Wizards, throw me a bone or something. The list above doesn't even include Portal cards, all of which had to have errata in order to have a creature type. Three guesses as to whether or not there are any inconsistencies there. I also left off the pseudo-legends from Arabian Nights, like Aladdin and Ali Baba, yet still ended up with pages of creatures.


cwp[5]


[1] One is a spirit of the dead; the other is an arboreal primate.

[2] Or the Axis. He knows everything.

[3] The plural of cyclops is either cyclops or cyclopes. I'm of the opinion that if they're not antelopes or jackalopes, their plural form shouldn't end in -lopes.

[4] A scorpion is an arachnid, not an insect.

[5] The problems continue even into the New York Stock Exchange:

cwp - anal retentive whiner, not publicly traded
CWP - Cable & Wireless Pub Ltd Co