I'm going to hit on a bunch of different things that have been sticking in my craw of late (and whatever my "craw" may be, I'm sure it's a Bad Thing to have something stuck in it), so while I'm going to keep things fairly coherent, be prepared to jump around.

Jump around. Get up, get up, and get down.

Now that I've got the early 90's rap reference out of the way...

How Not To Walk Off A Cliff:

I've always found myself in a bit of a predicament being in this situation, taking up this little space of bandwidth once every week or so. I'm a big proponent of independent thought when it comes to the Magical cards - and yet here I am, writing an article every now and again trying to tell you that what I think is right and that you should be doing the same. Or at least that you should CONSIDER doing the same.

Yet I find myself repeating this mantra over and over again, and I wish it would just lodge inside just ONE person's head, and I'd be happy: PLAY WITH THE CARDS.

I could use all sorts of cliches about teaching people to fish and walking long distances in other people's shoes until I get blue in the face, but the cold hard truth is that ultimately the ONLY way to improve your game is to PLAY WITH THE CARDS - and it frustrates me to no end when people just accept other people's opinions as fact without giving it their own litmus test. Granted, many people's opinions are backed up by legitimate facts, which is cool.... But at least take the time out of your schedule to confirm this yourself, so you can see exactly where the person is coming from. And if they're full of bunk... Well, hopefully from your playing you'll be able to understand WHY they're full of bunk. Forming your own opinions is Some Broken these days.

Ah, independent thought.

We all agree Demonic Consultation is a good card, right? It puts any card in your hand and it's an instant. So do you just first- or second-turn Consult for whatever you damn well feel like, even though you might only have one or two copies of said card in your library? Hell, no. As good as Consult is, it dictates certain methods of using the card, as well as dictating deck construction itself.

Came across this story: I don't know exactly what either player was playing in this example, but I know one player had a Consult in his hand and was mana screwed, so what did he Consult for?

"I'll Consult for 'Land'."

Obligatory Rules Reference: Even though the judge made this player deck himself incorrectly (he made him keep going until he found a card named "Land," which obviously there isn't), from what I understand...

*cough* From what *I* understand...so get those flames ready for me if
I'm wrong...

...you have to name a card that actually EXISTS when using Consultation, otherwise you have to name another card. For example, if you name "Plaid Elemental," you'd have to try again. Still, with a goof like that, it's probably better than he was made to deck himself.

End Obligatory Rules Reference.

While I mention the subject of flames...

Ooh, Look At The Pretty Bonfire...Oh Wait, That's Me:

I love mail. Really, I do, both the good and the bad. I love reading it, sending it, I love it all. And while I love to receive mail from people telling me they enjoy my writing, it's also certainly useful when people send me criticism on everything from my writing style to certain incorrect statements I might make from time to time... It's the only way I'm going to learn.

Obligatory Rules Correction From My Last Column: Void does NOT count together the two separate casting costs of split cards...Void would snag an Assault/Battery on a Void for one or four, but not five. I asked a Level One judge I know personally before I wrote it to make sure I wouldn't have to do the ol' Open Mouth, Remove Foot routine later, but apparently he was wrong too. Hey, what can you do, y'know? (Well, you can count on the editor, who thought it was hinky, to correct the error before it sees print, but unfortunately I couldn't get in touch with Sheldon to confirm it in time... If there's anyone who's usually up at around 12:00 midnight EST and feels like playing backup judge, email me! -- The Ferrett)

Being a writer on a quality website will leave you open to the glaring spotlight of the world, and flames are going to happen. I don't take it personally. However, one came to my attention that I just HAVE to share with you all. Its brutality is gorgeous; the outright ruthlessness of it almost brings a tear to my eye, it's so beautiful. You know when you watch one of those police chase shows on TV or you see Mick Foley get thrown off the top of Hell In The Cell for the 124th time, you can't help but break out in nervous laughter at the whole shock of it? This is one of those cases. I almost died when I read this. So whenever you feel like throwing something out for public inspection, remember there are people like this out there, and may God Have Mercy On Your Soul:

"You swine. You vulgar little maggot. You worthless bag of filth. As we like to say in Nova Scotia, you couldn't pour <Kool-Aid> out of a boot if you had instructions on the heel... You are a canker, a sore that won't go away. I would rather kiss a lawyer than be seen with you...Your life is a monument to stupidity. You are a stench, a revulsion, a big suck on a sour lemon..." (to be continued)

How Not To Walk Off A Cliff, Part Deux:

So anyways, let's look at one of the most hyped-up cards revealed so far from the upcoming Planeshift expansion, Shivan Wurm:

Shivan Wurm
3RG
Creature - Wurm
Trample
When Shivan Wurm comes into play, return a red or green creature you
control to your hand.
7/7

And now let's look at some of the comments regarding this card on a certain website:

Post # 2: "And the wurm, a 7/7 for 3RG? Damn! Fits real well into a Fires deck, since those have plentiful creatures. Comes out real fast too, if you use Birds of Paradise."

Post # 26: "This card is very good in Fires, except that you would have to play it on turn 4 with the Fires out..."

Post # 129: "Okay, Shivan Wurm is incredible, and as soon as they come out they're going into my Fires deck."

Post # 1,064,234: "wurm is broken! i smash ur face, u lose!"

And so on.

I mean, really, do you NEED people to tell you that Shivan Wurm is a good creature for Fires? Look at the casting cost; what OTHER deck COULD you play him in?

Son of Hermit! *smacks self*

What you need is people to tell you why you SHOULDN'T play Shivan Wurm - or at least not to play four copies of him without putting any thought into it. THOUGHT; there's that word again.

Warning: Hypothetical examples are horrible for Magic. Sue me.

Let's say you get a mediocre start with Fires, as opposed to the mindless 3rd or 4th turn Wurm scenario everyone has blabbed on about. You play a first turn Bird, but it gets Shocked. No drops on turn 2 or 3, then you cast a Blastoderm with Wurm in hand. Now, do you drop the Wurm fifth turn? Doubtful; you have a fresh 'Derm. What if you get stuck with Chimeric Idol? What if a savvy player Rages an Elf in response to you casting the Wurm with no other creatures out? This is what you have to take into account. He's a fantastic creature, but you gotta look at the big picture: What is expendable in Fires, besides maybe the Jade Leeches? Play four of these Wurms? The jury's out, but there's my two and a half cents.

Flame on...

"...an insensitive, blinking calf, meaningful to nobody, abandoned by the puke-drooling, giggling beasts who sired you and then killed themselves in recognition of what they had done...You have all the appeal of a paper cut. Lepers avoid you...Try to edit your responses of unnecessary material before you try to impress us all with your insight. The evidence that you are a nincompoop will still be available to readers, but they will be able to access it more rapidly..." (the best is yet to come)

Why Can't I Open This On Saturdays?:

1x Rith
1x Darigaaz
2x Exotic Curse
2x Quirion Trailblazer
2x Harrow
2x Frenzied Tilling
1x Stormscape Apprentice
1x Shackles
1x Annihilate
1x Kavu Scout
1x Serpentine Kavu
1x Benalish Trapper
1x Yavimaya Barbarian
1x Assault/Battery
1x Tranquility
1x Tsabo's Assassin
1x Faerie Squadron
1x Scorching Lava
1x Ancient Kavu

I ACTUALLY OPENED THAT and played with it. Hopefully I won't be jinxed this weekend at the PTQ when it actually matters.

Which brings me to a corollary about Walking Off Cliffs: Everyone I've seen has been telling you to build B/U/R. I fully agree. But here's what they've written:

"Play B/U/R if at all possible."

And here's what a lot of people are actually reading:

"Play B/U/R."

You have to play with your best cards. This might be obvious to most, but I have to point it out for the sake of those who just READ and don't THINK. Don't just build a deck from colors; understand WHY those colors are good in the Invasion limited environment, but more importantly, be able to recognize good cards in general and play with THEM, the best cards you currently have available. Don't force things. My friend one time played a Covetous Dragon in Sealed even though his only artifact was a Voltaic Key, which was complete trash by itself. Sometimes you just can't win, and that's the way the ball bounces in Sealed - two Shoreline Raiders, a Cursed Flesh and a Stun do not always a deck make.

The Olympic Torch of Flames burns on...

"...even sheep won't have sex with you...on a good day you're a half-wit...I feel debased for even knowing you exist..."

And here is the excerpt that will go down in legend, that will be spoken of in reverent whispers throughout the land, the standard that all future flames will be held to...

"I cannot believe how incredibly stupid you are. I mean rock-hard stupid. Dehydrated rock-hard stupid. So stupid it goes way beyond the stupid we know into a whole different dimension of stupid. You are trans-stupid stupid. You are meta-stupid. Stupid collapsed on itself so far that even the neutrons have collapsed. Stupid so dense that not even intellect can escape. Singularity stupid. You emit more stupid in one second than our entire galaxy emits in a year. Nothing in our universe can really be this stupid. Perhaps this is some primordial fragment from the original big bang of stupid. Some pure essence of a stupid so uncontaminated by anything else as to be beyond the laws of physics that we know.

"Maybe later in life, after you learn to read, write, spell and count, you will have more success...we sometimes forget that there are "challenged" persons in this world who find these things more difficult. If I had known that this was your case, I would have never read your post...I wish you the best of luck in the emotional and social struggles that seem to be placing a demand on you."

And with that, all I'll say is: Read and write for yourself, and above all else, no matter what someone tells you, THINK for yourself.

You can keep reading and listening to me though if you want *grin* - but if not, you can see from the above that you have a high standard to live up to.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house,

Carl J.
CarlJ@carlsmail.com <mailto:CarlJ@carlsmail.com>
Zeke2517 on mIRC
Flame Retardant *insert joke here*