I have to admit - I have been a little burned out lately. IBC has succeeded where the Great American Educational System has failed and managed to completely liquefy my brain until it ran out of my ears an into a little puddle on the floor, where it was very helpfully licked up by Weinerdog.

(Unrelated digression - Microsoft Word is like an ex-spouse: Quick to point out your faults, but rarely has anything helpful to say.)

Fortunately, Wizards was kind enough to break out a new set around this time, and it provided a pleasant mental break for playing in that last PTQ this coming weekend. I happened to scan the spoiler, and I raised my right eyebrow more than a few times, I can tell you. So I thought to myself,"Why don't I do a set review?"

I normally have a strong love/hate relationship with these seasonal occurrences. I read every one, but the large majority of them are utter ass. I decided that I would not do a card-by-card, as writing"Um, a bear," would result in negative Thought Advantage, which we all know is sub-optimal. Instead, I thought I would just cover the stand-outs, those cards that just… Um… Stand out. (I hate writing myself into a corner.)

"What can I do to add value to this process?" I thought to myself (sorry, I'm working on a management degree, these things tend to percolate into your vocabulary). So after some thought, I decided that I have a different mental filter than a great many players (ask me about Planar Overlay sometime), and I can occasionally spot great cards before the rest of the world seems to catch on. I would leave out the obvious ones (e.g. Mirari), as well as the ones covered by the good folks at the Sideboard (and also Alongi). I could do it all in my trademark style of dry wit and razor-sharp humor!

Failing that, I thought I'd just mix up the colors and do it by card type. Is that nutty or what?

 

ARTIFACTS
Really slim pickings here. This was the most interesting one I could find:

Card Name: Charmed Pendant
Mana Cost: 4
Card Text: Tap, Put the top card of your library into your graveyard: For each colored mana symbol in that card's mana cost, add one mana of that color to your mana pool. Play this ability only any time you could play an instant. (For example, if the card's mana cost is 3UUB, you add UUB to your mana pool.)

A use for the Goblin Spy?

 

CREATURES
If instants are like dessert, and enchantments are like appetizers, then creatures are the meatloaf of a set (how's that for a mixed metaphor?). We've got some humdingers with this one, too. In no particular order, we have:

Card Name: Angelic Wall
Card Color: W
Mana Cost: 1W
Type & Class: Creature - Wall
Pow/Tou: 0/4
Card Text: (Walls can't attack.) Flying

Yeah it's a wall. But it's not a bad wall as far as walls go. Okay, I admit I have a soft spot for walls.

Card Name: Devoted Caretaker
Card Color: W
Mana Cost: W
Type & Class: Creature - Cleric
Pow/Tou: 1/2
Card Text: W, Tap: Target permanent you control gains protection from instant spells and from sorcery spells until end of turn.

Already notable for being mana-efficient, the Caretaker is a decent stand-in for the Mother of Runes from Urza's block. While she's not going to screw up the combat math, she will provide you with some nice virtual card advantage from all of that burn that Red got this expansion.

Card Name: Pianna, Nomad Captain
Card Color: W
Mana Cost: 1WW
Type & Class: Creature - Nomad Legend
Pow/Tou: 2/2
Card Text: Whenever Pianna, Nomad Captain attacks, attacking creatures get +1/+1 until end of turn.

White weenie is back, folks. There is a host of mana-efficient white creatures and this guy to lead the charge. Note that his ability affects himself, making him a Crusade on a stick.

Card Name: Tireless Tribe
Card Color: W
Mana Cost: W
Type & Class: Creature - Nomad
Pow/Tou: 1/1
Card Text: Discard a card from your hand: Tireless Tribe gets +0/+4 until end of turn.

For those of you paying attention, you'll notice a TURN 2 KILL in Extended with this guy. It goes something like this:

Turn 1: R/W Dual land, Tireless Tribe.
Turn 2: Attack, cast About Face, pitch 5 cards, shuffle up for the next game. (Yes, as that Sligh player casts Shock and kills it - The Ferrett)

Card Name: Wayward Angel
Card Color: W
Mana Cost: 4WW
Type & Class: Creature - Angel Horror
Pow/Tou: 4/4
Card Text: Flying Attacking doesn't cause Wayward Angel to tap. Threshold - Wayward Angel gets +3/+3, is black, has trample, and has"At the beginning of your upkeep, sacrifice a creature". (You have threshold as long as seven or more cards are in your graveyard.)

Let me get this straight… I can have a 7/7 Flying, non-tapping trampler, if I just keep feeding it Squirrels? Gee, it's too bad there aren't any good cards in Green and White, or else I might have to make a deck out of this.

Card Name: Amugaba
Card Color: U
Mana Cost: 5UU
Type & Class: Creature - Illusion
Pow/Tou: 6/6
Card Text: Flying 2U, Discard a card from your hand: Return Amugaba to its owner's hand.

Not a half-bad finisher for a Big Blue deck. Self-protecting, which is a major bonus. Sadly, this guy looks like chump change compared to…

Card Name: Iridescent Angel
Card Color: Z
Mana Cost: 5WU
Type & Class: Creature - Angel
Pow/Tou: 4/4
Card Text: Flying, protection from all colors
Flavor Text: She enraptures all, encompasses all, endures all.

If you ever needed a reason to hate those U/W control types (not that you did), this is one. I don't think it gets much more annoying than this. Hark! What is that sound? It's"Mafia King" Nate Heiss laughing as people start digging through their trade binders looking for their Aladdin's Ring.

Card Name: Vampiric Dragon
Card Color: Z
Mana Cost: 6BR
Type & Class: Creature - Vampire Dragon
Pow/Tou: 5/5
Card Text: Flying Whenever a creature dealt damage by Vampiric Dragon this turn is put into a graveyard, put a +1/+1 counter on Vampiric Dragon. 1R: Vampiric Dragon deals 1 damage to target creature.

Sure it's overcosted, but it's both a Vampire and a Dragon! Finally, the Goths and the Geeks can see eye-to-eyeshadow on something!

Card Name: Nut Collector
Card Color: G
Mana Cost: 5G
Type & Class: Creature - Druid
Pow/Tou: 1/1
Card Text: At the beginning of your upkeep, you may put a 1/1 green Squirrel creature token into play. Threshold - All Squirrels get +2/+2. (You have threshold as long as seven or more cards are in your graveyard.)

A long time ago, long before I was married, I had a girlfriend (yes, only one —I play Magic, remember?). She was also called the"Nut Collector." I shall speak no more of this.

Card Name: Cognivore
Card Color: U
Mana Cost: 6UU
Type & Class: Creature - Lhurgoyf
Pow/Tou: */*
Card Text: Flying
Cognivore's power and toughness are each equal to the number of instant cards in all graveyards.

See Mortivore.

Card Name: Mortivore
Card Color: B
Mana Cost: 2BB
Type & Class: Creature - Lhurgoyf
Pow/Tou: */*
Card Text: Mortivore's power and toughness are each equal to the number of creature cards in all graveyards.
B: Regenerate Mortivore.

Everyone once in a while they manage to print a card that is exponentially better in casual multiplayer settings than in your standard duel (Multani, Maro Sorcerer is a good example). The Lhurgoyfs are such cards. I don't think they will make as big of an impact in either Block or Standard, if only because there seems to be a great many ways to hose graveyards... But I freely admit that I might be way off-base on this one.

Card Name: Savage Firecat
Card Color: R
Mana Cost: 3RR
Type & Class: Creature - Cat
Pow/Tou: 0/0
Card Text: Trample
Savage Firecat comes into play with seven +1/+1 counters on it. Whenever you tap a land for mana, remove a +1/+1 counter from Savage Firecat.

A 7/7 trampler for five… Why, exactly, would I need to tap any more lands?

Card Name: Gorilla Titan
Card Color: G
Mana Cost: 3GG
Type & Class: Creature - Ape
Pow/Tou: 4/4
Card Text: Trample Gorilla Titan gets +4/+4 as long as there are no cards in your graveyard.

You know, given the amount of graveyard manipulation in the set, does anyone think that the condition is actually going to be difficult?

Card Name: Obstinate Familiar
Card Color: R
Mana Cost: R
Type & Class: Creature - Lizard
Pow/Tou: 1/1
Card Text: If you would draw a card, you may skip that draw instead.

I mention this card only because my friend Ernest has a Howling Mine/Sudden Impact/Blood Oath deck that makes you draw a metric crapload of cards, then kills you. Hey Ernest - thbbbt!

Card Name: Repentant Vampire
Card Color: B
Mana Cost: 3BB
Type & Class: Creature - Vampire
Pow/Tou: 3/3
Card Text: Flying
Whenever a creature dealt damage by Repentant Vampire this turn is put into a graveyard, put a +1/+1 counter on Repentant Vampire.
Threshold - Repentant Vampire is white and has"Tap: Destroy target black creature."

Sorry, I think the Wayward Angel is the better of this pair. I'm sure there's a poignant comment on morality in here somewhere, perhaps something like"Repentance is for wussies. Go wayward, eat squirrels, and kick some ass."

Card Name: Mindslicer
Card Color: B
Mana Cost: 2BB
Type & Class: Creature - Horror
Pow/Tou: 4/3
Card Text: When Mindslicer is put into a graveyard from play, each player discards his or her hand.

Hey Ferrett, is it still too late to prove that you suck? (Never - The Ferrett) I think we definitely have a candidate for a Multiplayer Discard Deck. Figure Megrim on Turn 3, Drop this guy turn 4, and optionally sacrifice him to a High Market - and you're looking at a lot of pissed off opponents. Oh yeah, and he's a mana-efficient 4/3 for 4.

Card Name: Shifty Doppelganger
Card Color: U
Mana Cost: 2U
Type & Class: Creature - Shapeshifter
Pow/Tou: 1/1
Card Text: 3U, Remove Shifty Doppelganger from the game: Put a creature card from your hand into play. That creature gains haste until end of turn. At end of turn, sacrifice that creature. If you do, return Shifty Doppelganger to play.

Sneak Attack! On a Stick! I predict that I will irritate my friends for many, many hours with this card.

Card Name: Cabal Patriarch
Card Color: B
Mana Cost: 3BBB
Type & Class: Creature - Wizard Legend
Pow/Tou: 5/5
Card Text: 2B, Sacrifice a creature: Target creature gets -2/-2 until end of turn. 2B, Remove a creature card in your graveyard from the game: Target creature gets -2/-2 until end of turn.

Well, he's not really splashable, and his ability requires you to cough up some mana, so he's certainly no Phyrexian Plaguelord. On the other hand, he's a 5/5 for 5. If White Weenie is back, I think you can make a strong argument that Suicide Black might be poised for a comeback, too.

Card Name: Thought Devourer
Card Color: U
Mana Cost: 2UU
Type & Class: Creature - Beast
Pow/Tou: 4/4
Card Text: Flying Your maximum hand size is reduced by four.

This series of mana-efficient"Thought" creatures in blue look like a push towards making blue a beatdown color. The most obvious decktype here would be to mix liberally with some black threshold creatures and heavy discard to make for some fast flying beats. Interesting sidebar: Spellbook now reads,"You have no maximum hand size." I think this is case that is subtly different than Timestamp order, because N-4 is never going to be an integer if N is undefined, as it would be when a Spellbook is in play. I'd love to get a shout-out from Sheldon on this one.

 

ENCHANTMENTS
So continuing along the line of my Magic/Dinner metaphor, Enchantments are the Appetizers of our game. Sometimes, you can do without them all together and just get a burger. Sometimes, though, you can fill up on enchantments and not have any room for the main course at all. And then you can do what I like to do and just go have a light lunch of maybe just two enchantments, washed down with some ice-cold lands. I think I've stretched that metaphor to its breaking point, and so I'll transition here…

Card Name: Aegis of Honor
Mana Cost: W
Card Text: 1: The next time an instant or sorcery spell would deal damage to you this turn, that spell deals that damage to its controller instead.

As this is a replacement ability, I think it makes Urza's Rage much less scary than it used to be. Could there be any more clear of an indication that Wizards wants us to play Beatdown?

Card Name: Karmic Justice
Mana Cost: 2W
Card Text: Whenever a spell or ability an opponent controls destroys a noncreature permanent you control, you may destroy target permanent that opponent controls.

Around these parts, Karmic Justice is taking all the lands out of someone's deck while they go use the restroom.

Card Name: Testament of Faith
Mana Cost: W
Card Text: X: Testament of Faith becomes an X/X Wall creature until end of turn. It's still an enchantment. (Walls can't attack.)

Another use for Unnatural Selection. As an added bonus, it will survive a Wrath of God!

Card Name: Chamber of Manipulation
Mana Cost: 2UU
Card Text: Enchanted land has"Tap, Discard a card from your hand: Gain control of target creature until end of turn."

Enchant lands do not normally see much use, and for good reason — they provide too tempting of a target. Reusable creature theft, however, isn't bad. Like many blue cards, it is reactive, even reflective, in nature and so is highly dependent on your opponent. The upside is that you can beat your opponent over the head with their own Fat (just make sure they're over the age of consent for your locale).

Card Name: Need for Speed
Mana Cost: R
Card Text: Sacrifice a land: Target creature gains haste until end of turn.

This card will see a fair amount of casual play, if only for the fact that some bozo in your group (you know the one) will want to quote Top Gun ad nauseaum:

"I feel the need… the need for —" *THWACK!*

Card Name: Zombie Infestation
Mana Cost: 1B
Card Text: Discard two cards from your hand: Put a 2/2 black Zombie creature token into play.

I suppose the most obvious comparison here would be to Sarcomancy, but I think there are more subtle implications here. Discarding two cards is certainly harsh, but creating uncounterable bears has its merits.

Card Name: Immobilizing Ink
Mana Cost: 1U
Card Text: Enchanted creature doesn't untap during its controller's untap step. Enchanted creature has"1, Discard a card from your hand: Untap this creature."

What struck me about this card was how it interacted with Quicksilver Dagger. I didn't say this was workable, or even good — I'm just saying it struck me.

Card Name: Nefarious Lich
Mana Cost: BBBB
Card Text: If you would be dealt damage, remove that many cards in your graveyard from the game instead. If you can't, you lose the game. If you would gain life, draw that many cards instead. When Nefarious Lich leaves play, you lose the game.

Any card which mentions"you lose" requires significant justification to play. What do you think of a card that provides two equally effective ways to lose the game?

 

INSTANTS
I'm going to stick with the whole food thing because 1) I'm Italian and therefore genetically predisposed to fixate on food and 2) if Alongi can go on and on about birds and monkeys and plankton (PLANKTON. FOR CHRISSAKES!) you all can put up with me talking about food. Unless, of course, you are a Magic-playing Supermodel (think a Goth Kate Moss).

Instants are the dessert, the coffee, the really sweet stuff that make life worth living. Dennis Leary did a routine on how the greatest things in life were short in duration… In Magic, some of my favorite cards are Instants, and I want to share with you my picks. I'll give you a hint, order what she wants so she can"just nibble" on yours and pretend that she's still sticking to her diet.

Card Name: Life Burst
Mana Cost: 1W
Card Text: Target player gains 4 life, then gains 4 life for each Life Burst card in each graveyard.

I think White mages all over are rejoicing. Oh boy! More stupid Lifegain! If I throw in a Yawgmoth's Agenda, I can get eighty life! This will go great with my Spirit Linked Thrashing Wumpus!

Card Name: Æther Burst
Mana Cost: 1U
Card Text: Return up to X target creatures to their owners' hands, where X is one plus the number of Æther Burst cards in all graveyards as you play Æther Burst.

This could be really, really good. At first you get an Unsummon. Then you get a Withdrawal. Then it gets really interesting. You might actually run out of targets by the time you already have two in the graveyard.

Card Name: Divert
Mana Cost: U
Card Text: Change the target of target spell with a single target unless that spell's controller pays 2.

I love this card. In fact, I'm having a secret affair with it. Any time you would want to use Disrupt you could use this, and it has more late-game power.

Card Name: Rites of Initiation
Card Color: R
Mana Cost: R
Type & Class: Instant
Pow/Tou:
Card Text: Discard any number of cards at random from your hand. Creatures you control get +1/+0 until end of turn for each card discarded this way.

Just like your Fraternity, these Rites can be equally humiliating. Can you say"Alpha Strike," boys and girls? Of course you can. This is going to be a ridiculous card in Limited, no doubt creating a global shortage of Mountains. If you open it, play it. On the other hand, you might be hard-pressed to find room for it in a well-designed Constructed deck, as a deck with a good mana curve would have a greatly-reduced hand size.

Card Name: Molten Influence
Mana Cost: 1R
Card Text: Counter target instant or sorcery spell unless its controller has Molten Influence deal 4 damage to him or her.

Whaa? Now I've got to watch for counters from those Mountain guys, too? Remember all of those things I said about thematic harmony? Forget it.

Card Name: Skeletal Scrying
Mana Cost: XB
Card Text: As an additional cost to play Skeletal Scrying, remove X cards in your graveyard from the game. You draw X cards and you lose X life.

Necro it isn't, but I could see it working in as a more useful Necrologia. Cheaper and useable during their end-step, which gives it high marks in my book.

Card Name: Predict
Mana Cost: 1U
Card Text: Name a card, then put the top card of target player's library into his or her graveyard. If that card is the named card, you draw two cards. Otherwise, you draw a card.

Wow, another use for Goblin Spy? They might as well name the entire set after him!

 

LANDS
Nothing really thought-provoking here. I apologize for actually having to write this part, except that I know some jackass would email me and tell me,"You forgot lands!" This must be what that Government slob felt like the first time he had to write"This Space Intentionally Left Blank".

 

SORCERIES
Sorceries are like a Chinese buffet; initially quite powerful and satisfying, but prone to leaving you with that empty feeling the next turn. Does that mean we don't like Chinese? Of course not!

Card Name: Balancing Act
Mana Cost: 2WW
Card Text: Each player chooses a number of permanents he or she controls equal to the number of permanents controlled by the player who controls the fewest, then sacrifices the rest. Each player discards cards from his or her hand the same way.

Sure it's the"New Balance," but simplification of the process into permanents and cards in hand has major ramifications in the difference of how the card can be played. Still, it's definitely a powerful card and worth trying to get four.

Card Name: New Frontiers
Mana Cost: XG
Card Text: Each player may search his or her library for up to X basic land cards and put them into play tapped. Then each player who searched his or her library this way shuffles it.

This card suffers from much the same problem that Clear the Land suffered —Sorcery status. Allowing your opponent to untap and use these free lands might be considered, ah... Suboptimal. Does this mean I'm not racking my brain trying to figure out how to break this card? Of course not!

Card Name: Extract
Mana Cost: U
Card Text: Search target player's library for a card, and remove that card from the game. Then that player shuffles his or her library.

I think this card alone spells trouble for a great many control decks, which are typically very low on victory conditions.

Card Name: Laquatus's Creativity
Mana Cost: 4U
Card Text: Target player draws cards equal to the number of cards in that player's hand, then discards that many cards.

One word: Megrim.

Card Name: Traumatize
Mana Cost: 3UU
Card Text: Target player puts the top half of his or her library, rounded down, into his or her graveyard.

Traumatize + Haunting Echoes = Concession? An equation that bears out testing, certainly.

Card Name: Upheaval
Mana Cost: 4UU
Card Text: Return all permanents to their owners' hands.

Might go nicely with Warped Devotion and Megrim, as all of those triggers should go on the stack even though the sources are no longer there.

Card Name: Haunting Echoes
Mana Cost: 3BB
Card Text: Remove all cards in target player's graveyard other than basic land cards from the game. Search that player's library for all cards with the same name as cards removed this way, and remove them from the game. Then that player shuffles his or her library.

Because Lobotomy isn't powerful enough, we need to make it mass scale.

Card Name: Epicenter
Mana Cost: 4R
Card Text: Target player sacrifices a land. Threshold - All players sacrifice all lands instead. (You have threshold if seven or more cards are in your graveyard.)

Armageddon is back, folks, and this time it makes some thematic sense. Why did white get land destruction, a traditional hallmark of Red? This card could find some life in a R/U deck that mimics the old-school Serra Angel/Armageddon combo.

APRES DINE
Thanks for sticking with me this far. When next you hear from me, it will be a report from the upcoming Dreamwizards PTQ, unless I scrub out horribly, and then I'll just make something up. If you saw something that you didn't agree with, please drop me a line at gbaglione@mindspring.com and we'll intellectually duke it out, mano a mano. Or maybe I'll just wuss out and agree with you. Also, if you're a Goth and particularly hypersensitive, please accept my apologies, as I was not seeking to denigrate your particular lifestyle choice - only to use it as a well-recognized symbol of the rejection of authority. Or something.

Okay, maybe I was teasing just a tiny bit. Deal.

All the best,

--GP