Your News In Brief
If I might blaspheme for just a moment: Dear God in heaven above, it seems for certain that it's been far too long.
Perhaps that's only because of my disgust with recent limpid offerings. Never before has blame so unanimously outweighed praise for whatever ordering of words I'd seen fit to dump in front of my Esteemed Editor.
In hindsight, the problem arose from a number of factors, none of which will be outlined here.
No, today, the gloves are off, the blinders on, I'm crammed full of caffeine and wired up to my new KMFDM EP's. Today, you get exactly what you deserve. There'll be news, and opinion, and shabby treatment all around.
This just in: PowerSauce... is AMAZING.
That's right, and then later Sean Connery is going to stop by and mispronounce the word "Therapists," and oh, how we'll laugh.
ITEM ONE: The Impending Prophecy Prerelease
Hell, everything's falling apart these days. That's the only way I can figure the disparity between the reaction before the Nemesis release, and the anti-furor that goes on as we speak.
Maybe it's just that nobody *cares*. That would be a fabulous relief. It would mean that this apathy is just symptomatic of the larger disenchantment of the Magic community. That at least makes sense. Anything to let me sleep undisturbed by dreams of worms so large that you could spend your entire life walking on the surface of one of their eyes and never know what you were walking on.
However, so far as I can tell everyone's pretty darned interested, and we're just days away. That doesn't jive with the uninterest I see around me.
THE CORRECT ANSWER IS: Chalk it up to mind control, I know I always do.
Sometimes when I stand up, I collapse into a heap on the ground. File that away for later use.
ITEM TWO: The Discharging of the Services of New Wave
Does this make sense to anyone out there?
If WotC wanted to sanction New Wave for publishing spoilers of its upcoming set, wouldn't it make more sense to do so publicly? The idea being that you don't want this sort of information getting around (for whatever reason), and you have someone doing it in a very public way. It's not that you want this one person to stop, you don't want it done at all.
So you drag them to the Towne Square and have their limbs tied to horses facing the four cardinal directions, so that the force of their running will tear the poor criminal apart and leave him to bleed to death in front of his family.
At least that way people get an idea that you're opposed to this practice. Never mind this shadow-gallery nonsense. Maybe they're all big cyberpunk fans, testing the waters of strong-arm tactics?
THE CORRECT ANSWER IS: It's got to be some sort of petty politics at play. Somebody called someone something unforgivable, and hey, check out this neat revenge I can have!
Please feel free to direct any non-column related material to my new e-mail address: I-AM-THE-REAL-ZARDOZ@sexilicious.com
The firstname.lastname@example.org address will function as normal. I just needed to supplement, you know.
ITEM THREE: "Replenish Has Ruined Magic"
Funny, I just double-checked, and that never happened.
The world would be a much better place if people could hold themselves back from acting as if every technological breakthrough in the game of Magic was God stepping out of the heavens to give them a big fat wedgie.
In much the same way as it would be a better place if that stupid Zerg font from Starcraft hadn't been invented. Every ultra-modern, ultra-hip clothier has to stuff their shelves with God-Awful shiny t-shirts with something like "Alien Porn Star" emblazoned in that hideous text. It's enough to make me shred each and every one of them, except that I'm still far too poor too make a career out of that.
So I'll make you a deal, calm the noise, and the stranglings get put off for another fortnight.
THE CORRECT ANSWER IS: Replenish is just a good deck. Go change your pants.
Consider this your token mention of Blake "How do you look down in DOOM?" Manders. He's been working fifteen hour days and has been a different kind of funny as a result. It's a visual gag this week, he's asleep and the peanut butter, but I'm not doing it justice. Skip it.
ITEM FOUR: The "Retirement" of Jamie Wakefield
Here's a little tidbit for you. I don't particularly like Jamie Wakefield.
It's a lot like professional jealousy, but not entirely. I know that when I read what he's written I'm far more critical than when I read other stuff. Afterwards I often wander off muttering to myself. Little nothings like "Just don't like that Jamie Wakefield."
I tell you this so you'll understand my position when I put to you this next request.
Could each and every one of you please step back from the reflexive adoration?
This isn't just spite. This isn't just resentment. Both are present, but there's more. This is a favour I'm asking of you, and it's not just for me. It's for Jamie Wakefield.
I doubt I'm being charitable when I suggest that he doesn't want to respected and remembered by throngs of people who can't really recall what it was they makes him so great. That would take a kind of egotism even I cannot summon.
So as the coming week unfolds with weepy "We'll miss you Jamie" websites and fanzines, please just take a few seconds to remember what he did, and *why* you're going to miss him. It would probably mean that much more.
It would mean more for me insofar as I'd love a little adoration and am not really getting any, so it sticks in my craw a bit when "others" get it.
THE CORRECT ANSWER IS: Didn't this happen last year? Perhaps that was the dress rehearsal. At any rate, make your devotion meaningful or send it my way.
Beautiful Silk Screen T-Shirt, Black with White lettering.
Front: Money Can't Buy Happiness
Back: Handguns: $45.00
ITEM FIVE: Two Million Clams
I worry that I'm not going to profit from this investment. Still as yet absent from the Pro-Tour, I doubt I'll get to swim in that green. It's a nice touch, though. Gives the game a kick up the staircase towards respectability.
The Type II Pro-Tour is nice. I'm sure my Esteemed Editor is more than happy about that one. As much as I'd like to disagree, it does make sense.
That's all you get though, I'm never owning up about anything of the sort again.
The Masters Tournaments seem like a dicey proposition. I think that before that sort of opportunity can be laid at the feet of Magic's elite, I'd like to see some tightening of the rules. People have called Chess Clocks ridiculous, but at that level it's smart to have as much non-personal officiating as possible.
Also, Chess Clocks solve the problem of long "thinking turns" in mental magic, for any of you who still play.
THE CORRECT ANSWER IS: That much money is just plain dangerous.
I got your joke right here, chuckles.
ITEM SIX: "But wait. Most of you probably haven't heard of Jeff Buckley, have you?" -- Chris Cade
Have you got the posthumous singles?
Have you got the newly-released live album?
Have you got the bootleg on which it is based, the one with the better sound quality?
Have you got his father's albums?
THE CORRECT ANSWER IS: Yes, and furthermore, get off your high horse.
Connery : I'll take The Rapists for $200.