Q: Dear Sheldon,

I'm so glad you're back; Gis was mean to us, just horrible! He wouldn't let us play Orim's Chant as a Counterspell, like you do. Anyway, I have more questions for you.

A: Anthony,

The Dutch have no respect for anything; do you know what's legal in their country? Eyebrow rings! Next thing you know, you won't be able to use Meddling Mage as a Counterspell, either.

Q: Why the hell did the United States government let you back into the country. They had you in a remote area with armed personnel available, and no witnesses. You'd think that would get something accomplished...?

A: Fortunately, even though he couldn't remember who he was, Matt Damon knew who I was. He broke in and rescued me. Unfortunately, I didn't want to be rescued (those Middle Eastern girls are WILD!), so I had to kill him. Now that Ben Affleck will never amount to anything. Sorry, Hollywood.

Q: Okay, on to Magic. I have a Skirk Fire Marshal in play and ten Goblin Legionnaires. (Let's just say I'm really good at drafting Onslaught block already!) Since they're goblin soldiers, can I tap five of them to deal ten to the board, and the other five to remove the Fire Marshall from the game? My friend tells me that if I throw the Fire Marshall high enough in the air as it leaves play, that's kinda like having a Catapult Master.

A: Your friend is wrong, and should seek professional help immediately; as a matter of fact, so should you. But that's beside the point. Actually, that's the entire point. Put your mittens back on and make sure they're tied to your sleeves.

Q: My friend tells me that if you have Aluren and six Helms of Awakening and a Celestial Dawn out, you can sack your white Urborg Panther, Feral Shadow, and whatever the hell that third creature is to play Spirit of the Night for free from your hand and then put six in your pool so you can hard cast an infinite number of Ornithopters. Is that right, or do the Ornithopters have to have cycling (in which case you'd need a Fluctuator)?

A: Unfortunately, Helm of Awakening is Banned in"Idiotic Aluren/Celestial Dawn Played Only By Complete Ninnies" Format.

Additionally, this is a Family Values(tm) column. I would appreciate you not using terms like"hard cast."

Q: My friend tells me that you shaved your mustache in order to grieve the imminent end of the Jesse Ventura administration here in Minnesota. True?

A: Not true, because it's not the end of the Jesse administration. He's found new work, for which he's better suited: Official Smeller of What The Rock is Cooking.

Q: Britney Spears taking time off: A state-based effect, a continuous ability, or just good fortune that we shouldn't question?

A: Ladies and gentlemen, we have an Internet first:"Britney Spears taking" and"off," with"time" sandwiched in between. We can only hope that Ms. Spears taking time off is a permanent.

Q: My younger brother doesn't play Magic, and no one lives within a hundred square miles of our house because we don't smell right. Can I beat on him until he agrees to play, or am I doomed to play Magic On Line for eternity?

A: I was not paid more than you will make in your lifetime to say this: Magic the Gathering Online is the best thing since sliced peaches. If you play more than seventeen drafts per week, you will become irresistible to midriff-bearing, belly-button-ring wearing coeds with barely noticeable limps between the ages of 19 and 23 (note that 17, 19, and 23 are prime numbers; this means Star City had to pay more to use them - another service to our customer).

And that seven-foot tall one-eyebrowed compulsive toilet-scrubber is not your brother. He's your Uncle Dad.

Q: The Ferrett and"strange": Why hasn't this combo been banned yet?!?

My lawyer, my priest and my psychologist (who have, strangely enough, never walked into a bar together) have advised me against discussion rodentia, Rodin, and roadkill (in that order).

Did you know that Ferrett cut off all his hair? Now he looks like a clean-cut serial killer.

Q: No question here. I just wanted any Ask-the-Judge search for"morph","Clone","kicker","Morphling","cycling","Masticore","fading","Humility","token", or"Cursed Scroll" to come up with this link.

A: Add to that"Anthony daily abuses the tiniest of primates."

Q: Why, when Wizards printed Mons's Goblin Raiders, did they use the double-s? I understand that The Elements Of Style (Strunk and White) allows this awkward construction, but they also suggest removing the possessive form entirely (i.e.,"The Goblin Raiders of Mons").

Also, when Rosewater wrote his recent goblin article, did you just click and drag on the scroll bar to get to the bottom of the screen, like I did? See, this is why I can't write for Hollywood: I'd give away the ending in the first five minutes. Do you think I could write for Hollywood? My friend tells me that I can't do that, but I thought we should let a Level III judge decide.

A: If Mark Rosewater were to return to writing for television, I'd give up books and start watching. I'm already convulsing with laughter at the thought of Joey or Phoebe saying"Sorry we burned down your village; here's some gold." Imagine Della Reese's heart-rending delivery of"The root of all Greevils."

But you, sir, do not have that kind of talent. Give up those Hollywood dreams and fulfill your destiny: Being a fluffer dialogue coach.

Q: Be honest. You'll cry into your pillow every Friday night because Casual Fridays is ending, right? (I mean, you probably cry into your pillow every night anyway, but the sobs should be particularly loud on weekends.)

A: What's Casual Fridays?

And any crying I do is because you don't smell right.

Q: Thanks for all your help, Sheldon! You're a star. (One of those small, sticky foil stars that fourth-grade teachers put on passable work...but a star nonetheless.)

A: It's always my pleasure to help the less fortunate. I'm sure I'm becoming the Magic community's answer to Mother Theresa. I'm also glad to hear that the charges have been dropped; I would believe you over a sheep any day. See you on work-release very soon.

 

 

Sheldon Menery