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What a year! I played some games, wrote some articles, and now it's confession time. Resolutions are like that. We stand upon the mountain and shout in a bold voice our declarations for the new year.

Then two weeks later we completely forget what we said.

But this is not some promise to lose weight or stop watching Cinemax on Friday nights. I am declaring my intentions for the game of Magic in 2003. Intentions that will be kept.

And this time, I mean it.

I Will Not Use The Word 'Broken' To Describe Any Card.
If I had a penny for each time I heard the phrase"This is soooo broken!", I could buy two foil Black Lotus cards and have enough left over for cab fare to Chile. Although this may be an easy one for me, there are times when a fellow player will wave a card around (last time it was Mobilization) and insist that it's broken. I will then reluctantly agree, if only to get the card out of my face.

Now, I will only grunt and make the"shoo-ing" motion with my arm.

I Will Find A Decent Use For Accursed Centaur.
Of all the cards in Onslaught, this one seemed to get the most guff. Somehow, somewhere, there must be a deck longing for this card. Of course, it may not be that good of a deck, but still...

I Will Stop Using Terms From Farscape To Name My Decks.
Okay, I really like the show and I need some therapy. But now that it has been cancelled (and more importantly, is no longer"cool") I will use terms from my other fave television shows for decent deck names. Unfortunately, Amazing Race, Ed, and Mail Call may not be the best sources.

"Grab-ass-tic Deck Ape," anyone?

I Will Listen To The Ferrett.
I built a R/G Fast Beats deck for States. The Ferrett wrote that R/G is pretty bad against U/G. The bad part is the Ferrett wrote that before States. The worse part is that I read it - then ignored what he wrote. From now on, I will read what he writes and follow it religiously. If for some reason I fail, I will blame it on manascrew.

And now, a moment of seriousness.

I Will Deter Slams Against Homosexuals And Mothers.
Ever hear"You're Gay" or"That is So Gay" spoken during a tourney? Whether it's across the room or from your opponent whose about to lose, chances are it's been said way too many times (like more than zero). Now, I do not need to know who is an idiot, a moron, or is uncomfortable with their own sexuality. So stop using those phrases and I won't find out.

As for the"I did yer Mom" and the like, I always found that one a bit odd. My Mom wouldn't give you the time of day and would be kicking your cryin' ass all the way back to, well... Your Mom.

Bottom line, it's a new year. Time to retire that garbage.

End Seriousness.

I Will Not Create A Magic Comic Strip.
The biggest phenomenon of 2002 was the endless parade of new Magic-theme comics. Who am I to add to the confusion. Besides, I can't draw worth a lick and my lead character"Scrubby McScrubScrub" would certainly be booed off any website. What with his uncool fedora, hick lines, and losing ways.

I Will Reserve My"Frown Of Death" For Special Occasions.
Too often, I have used my frowning powers as a last minute act of desperation. From now on, I will only unleash the"Frown of Death" for the following situations.

• It's Regionals and my opponent is playing a U/B Psychotog deck.
• I'm asked,"Hey, are you JR from that WWE wrasslin' show?"
• My opponent makes firecracker noises when casting spells.
• It's Regionals and my opponent is playing a U/G Madness deck.
• I cast a spell and my opponent says,"Huh - you actually put that card in your deck?"
• I cast a kill spell and it gets Diverted back to me.
• My opponent takes forever and a day to decide if he should play a land or...Play a land.

I Will Stick By My Conviction That Net Decks Are The Work Of The Devil.
Of course, ol' Scratch can make some pretty mean decks. Still, I will test against them, but not play net decks at Major tournaments. As for FNM tourneys, hey, what's the harm?

It's bad enough that I have trouble winning games. But to not use a flash indoors is just criminal.

Even though he died and came back, John F. Rizzo would not be a suitable Pope. For one thing, he openly boasted about making love to a"Sheila" for five hours on a pool table. I cannot imagine doing anything for five hours - even playing pool. Now that kind of talent may have gotten him a job in the Clinton administration, but I feel that the Catholic Church needs a more discreet leader for it's organization.

Besides, I don't think Rizzo would wear the get-up. At least not without the gray sweatshirt.

I Will Finish At Least One Regional, PTQ, Or State Tournament With A Winning Record.
And this time, I mean it.

Ken McElhaney