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1. The Elephant Man
The Elephant Man is a twenty-year-old guy who weighs in the neighborhood of two-fifty. He hasn't showered in a month, and his chances of ever dating are about equal to that of my ever winning a Pro Tour event. To make matters worse, he'll eat throughout the entire event, leaving your table a wasteland of Snickers wrappers and leftover pizza crust.
2. The Rifleman
A Magic player of some skill, he will make it impossible for you to concentrate by rifling his hand incessantly over and over. If this isn't bad enough, when it's your turn, even the mere act of laying a land will prompt him to ask if you are done.
3. Dracula
Clearly a refugee from some schlock movie gone bad, this guy probably rents an apartment over a theatre, just to be sure he never misses a single showing of the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Much like his best friend The Elephant Man, he hasn't seem soap since the Dark Ages, but he accentuates his look with long stringy black hair.
4. Junior
Although Junior is only fourteen, his trash-talking skills are rivaled only by an NBA player. If he loses, he'll blame it on mana screw, your incredible luck, or your topdecking skill. If he is beating you, he'll tell you what a scrub you are and how lame your deck is. If it weren't for child abuse laws, you'd happily push him in front of a bus.
5. Johnny Cochran
Has memorized every ruling ever listed on Crystalkeep.com, but doesn't understand a single one. Any play more complicated than an instant is sure to elicit a cry of"JUDGE!" from his lips. He'll spout incorrect rulings the entire match. If you dare to doubt one of his calls, he'll claim to be a level 9 judge in Bumwad, Arizona. Oddly, he still doesn't know what the stack is.
6. The Mob
Not so much your opponent as his herd of friends. Clearly the alpha male of his group, he is worshipped and followed around by his cadre of groupies. When you play against him, it isn't mano-a-mano; it's more like you against the world. They will watch over you closer than a retired caddy eagle eyes a televised golf tournament. Worse, several of his friends are Juniors, who will trash talk for him while he plays it cool.
7. 2kewl4u
Uses iridescent card sleeves and a deck of all foreign foils. Never mind the fact that the game room is candlelit; he still has his sunglasses on. He'll spend most of your match telling you how Magic sucks now that type 1 is dead, and boast at least forty seven times about the Mox Emerald he owns.
8. The Martyr
Regardless of the format, this must be the most unlucky bastard in the history of the game. No matter how many broken cards his sealed deck yielded, it's still a pile. Anything short of a God draw and the Magic gods have shafted him. You'd think this guy hasn't won a game since 1993 by listening to him... And based on his error-prone gameplay, he might not have.
9. Miss America
At least she thinks so. No sane guy would rate this girl any higher than a 4, but in the woman-starved world of Magic: the Gathering, she is elevated to nothing less than a 10. A thousand laser beam eyes will be following her every move. She isn't dim, either; she'll wear something far more suited to a runway model, regardless of how inappropriate it is on her, just to distract her opponents.
10. Houdini
There isn't any tactic he won't stoop to in order to win a game. He'll mana weave, ignore effects unless reminded, try to stack his draw, use cards improperly, mark his cards, along with any other number of cheats. Rest assured, if playing Constructed, he'll have a netdeck, since he isn't clever enough to brainstorm one of his own.
That pretty much sums up the top ten reasons to play Magic Online. The internet isn't short of its own yahoos, but one click of the ignore button is all it takes to dim an opponent into blissful silence. I'll see you online; I'll be the guy with an ice-cold beer in my hand.
