(Editor's note: The opinions of Kurtis"Fat Man" Hahn, as always, are his own; any discussions of players' actions cannot be confirmed or denied, but I think we can all say that irregardless of whether Kowal and Gilmore are accurately depicted, we know someone like Kurt's descriptions - The Ferrett)

First of all, a list of things that I hate:

Anyone, young or old who doesn't read the cards.
Sometimes we all forget about a"minor" detail, and we think we know, but a mistake is made; fine. However, the damn ten-year-olds who don't read a creature until it attacks them or try to Lightning Bolt an untargetable creature; well those stupid people can just go to hell.

Players who simply refuse to ever take advice, even when it's presented with the best"bed-side manner."
If you are going to play on my team in a draft, you'd better be trying to improve your game. Excuses like,"There are no good rares in the draft to win," and"It doesn't matter, I was going to win/lose anyway," don't fly around me, and they only enrage me further. If you don't care, get the hell off my team. This is a game, and just like any other game it feels great to win. When the game costs you money to play, you'd better be in it to win.

Whiners.
People who make you feel bad for winning. Players who continually count their lands when they draw one after turn 7. Geordie Tait says that bitching and complaining is your God-given right. Well, it is. Tait also says it'll make you feel better. It may. However, what it does do is make other people not want to play anywhere near you ever again.

I'm sensitive to the plight of the mana screw/mana flood. It happens to me, it happens to you. The Land Gods of Magic sometimes act without rhyme or reason, giving three lands to the guy playing nineteen, or giving seven to the guy who's playing fifteen. However, when I'm sitting across from you, I don't want to hear it. Shut your mouth, stop groaning and saying,"Another missed land drop." I can see that you are in trouble, and my win doesn't make me feel like I outplayed you. There certainly isn't any jubilation on my part when you keep a two-land hand when drawing and not hitting land three until turn 76,413,557,967,954,613,642.

Now, whining seems much easier online. That's what Geordie is talking about. I mean, you probably don't know the person, so who cares if you give them some s**t for getting lucky? I don't play online except maybe once or twice a month one someone else's account. I absolutely do not care about your problems on Magic Online. I'm sorry you were mana-screwed, but what I don't deserve are things said to me like,"You're so f'ing lucky,""This is a great matchup for me except I drew like crap," and"I had (insert number here) outs."

You didn't win the game.

I'm glad that I won, but if it is obvious to me that it was one-sided, I assure you that I don't take any personal pride in it.

At Amazing Adventures, my local store, we have a couple of classic whiners. These people make it easy to be suspended on some days. Slamming down your eighth land or complaining because you needed to hit your sixth land drop and failed when you played seventeen land. It took me weeks and months to realize that I hated the sound of bitching and moaning. Finally, I wondered:"Is that what I sound like?" I began to manage my thoughts and words during and after matches.

Mike"Gilly" Gilmore is a classic whiner. To be fair, all three of the store's owners are some of the biggest gripers around, but Gilmore drafts more than the other two and he really lets it get to him."Dammit, another land!" Gilly is fond of screaming late on a Saturday night."I never see you get mana-screwed, Kurt."

I don't respond to this usually - unless I'm shuffling up taking a mulligan at that very instant - but I tend to think,"You don't see it, and you don't hear it."

Brian Kowal is another example of the perfect complainer. If Brian loses, nothing went right for him, even if there were play errors involved. In fact, Kowal is one of the biggest chokers of all time. Four Regionals Top 16s and two Grand Prix T16s with no T8s to show. Kowal can't handle the pressure and has been known to throw away games in high-pressure situations. (To finish second at a PTQ in the Midwest is still known as Kowalifying.) Brian almost never looks inward, but would rather whine to anyone who will listen. Does that really help his play skills?

It took me many years to finally hear it - and if you just take a minute to listen to players nearby, you may not want to sound like a whiner anymore either.

I'm sorry that you had eight cards in your deck you could have drawn over the course of three turns to beat me and didn't...the odds may have been with you. I'm sorry I played Sparksmith on turn 2 both of the games I won. It may seem very unfair to you, and sometimes I feel bad when I win some games, but give credit where credit is due."That's the only card you could draw there to win!" is one of Gilly's favorite lines. Well, sometimes I played the game to draw that card. The only way I could win was to draw Dirge of Dread, so I made sure that I got you to the appropriate life total, shut my eyes, and peeled. Rough beat? Hell yeah; but I don't want you making me feel bad for winning, because I'm sick of doing it. Sorry man, that's a tough one - but I'm going to sign the match slip or scoop up the money from the draft and move on.

Do I take glee in you getting genuinely screwed by chance? Not unless you start bitching; then I love every minute of it.

Geordie Tait says that you should be able to complain, and there is no reason you shouldn't. Sometimes there are just rough beats. But before you start typing to your opponent about how lucky they are, or tell your long-time friend that they got lucky and you had 15,000 outs left in your deck, just take a breather and shuffle up. Go outside and have a cigarette, or just go out for some air."Bah, that was the worst. My deck is very good, though. I'll draw better next match." A little maturity goes a long way. Screaming and complaining because your opponent played Cloudreach Cavalry and Gustcloak Harrier turns 2 and 3 both games won't win you a place in anyone's heart, no matter how deserved it is.

Kurt Hahn
FiveColorFat on AIM