Tired of losing match after match to one netdeck after another? Don't have time to practice 24/7? Unable to hook up with a team of professional Magic players who sleep, eat, and breathe Magic? Well, then this article is for you!

Here are ten easy tips to help you gain that needed advantage over your opponent. You'll never need excuses again! Never again will you have to blame your opponent's lucky topdeck - no, with these tips, you'll be rolling in booster packs in no time! Why bother dropping cards into your lap? With these foolproof ideas, you'll be the one in the top 8!

1. Nudity
What red-blooded Magic player could possibly concentrate properly with a naked buxom young lass staring at them the entire game? There are a few drawbacks to this, though - namely, that the cost to hire the woman will greatly exceed your prize most likely. Plus, you could get paired up with a woman. On the upside, though, there is no doubt that win or lose, you'll definitely be the hit of the event.

If you're poverty-stricken and can't afford this method, simply show up naked yourself. It's sure to throw your opponent for a loop.

2. Contagious Disease
This takes a bit of preparation beforehand. Be sure to cover your face with realistic-looking sores, or figure out some way to drool green ichor on command. Prior to the match, cough into your hand several times, then extend it in friendship. Explain that the doctor assured you that whatever you have shouldn't be contagious, but that they are still testing to figure out what it is you have. If you use this method, though, be sure to stop the charade if the Hazmat team enters the room.

3. Long-Distance Phone Call
You won't be able to pull this off until game 2, since you'll need your opponent's full name. You'll also need a partner as well to handle the phone call portion of this. During sideboarding, make some excuse and find your buddy, give him the name of your opponent, then figure out some way to get him paged to the event organizer's phone. Once he answers the phone call, have your friend explain he is one of three random winners of a DVD player. Try to use one of your telemarketer friends so that he can tie up your opponent long enough to get a game loss for not returning to his seat.

4. Talk In Some Nonsensical Language
Even the coolest cucumber will crumble if you spout gibberish the entire match. It adds to the effect if you can come up with some interesting facial contortions to match your babble. Remember, one mistake can cost a game, and this technique should be good to throw your opponent off enough to make at least a few.

If you're not creative enough to concoct your own foreign language, simply make monkey noises every once in awhile or bark randomly. You can accent the effect by reacting to stuff they are doing as well; every time they make a move, make a Scooby Doo noise, or raise your eyebrows and look at them as if they just made the dumbest play since, well... Your last play!

5. Come Dressed As Frankenstein Or Dracula
This isn't completely original; I'm sure you've noticed some of your opponents already do this. But think about what your first thoughts were, when some kid dressed in a black trenchcoat, black sunglasses, black Kiss boots, black lipstick, and fake fangs sat down to play you? Admit it; it's unsettling to say the least. Combine tips 2 and 4 with this method, and your opponent will be putty in your hands.

6. Eat Like A Pig
Bring all sorts of greasy, disgusting finger food to the table. Consume it in front of your opponent and be sure to touch his cards a lot. If he asks you to wipe your hands off first, use your shirt. Make sure you run cards like Threaten or Custody Battle so you can get his cards in your hands. Belching is recommended, as is talking with your mouth stuffed with food.

7. Develop An Odd Facial Tic
Similar to method 4, this requires a bit more finesse. Rather than random babbling or odd facial expressions, this requires you to respectively perform odd jerking motions with your face, hands, or body. Practicing to perfect the tic is suggested - but keep in mind, in order for this to work you must continually do this for the entire tournament.

If your opponent asks you about it, just tell him the following:"I'm made out of rubber, you're made out of glue, everything you say bounces off of me and sticks to you."

8. Finger Counting
After every move he makes, count his lands, count your lands, ask him how many cards he has in his hand, and double-check your own cards. Every once in awhile, ask twice as if you weren't sure what he said. Also ask if it's okay if you look through his graveyard on occasion. During sideboarding, ask him if its okay if you look through his deck. He might just be flustered enough to say yes! (This is, technically, illegal - The Humorless Ferrett)

9. Come Dressed In Drag
Make sure you go the whole route, makeup and all. During the game, be sure to compliment him on his looks, wardrobe, taste in binders, whatever. Gaze longingly into his eyes and ask him what he's doing after the tournament.

One a side note - while it's a very small chance - this could backfire if your opponent is into that sort of thing and you're not. If he smiles back and seems to be too interested, fall back on method 4 as quickly as possible.

10. Trivia Time!
This of course only works if you have some interesting, but completely worthless trivia at your disposal, or have the ability to lie through your teeth. When he plays a forest, say something like,"Did you know that the annual rainfall of the Amazon forest is over a hundred inches per year?"

It gets even more annoying when they play something that is strictly Magic-related. Let's say he plays Akroma, your response would be,"Did you know that Akroma used to be employed as the French fry cook at Carl's Junior? She used to work for my brother's uncle." Just be sure to use"Did you know?" before each phrase.

The key is to have some useful tidbit for every play, or anything they say. By the middle of game one, they'll be so exasperated they'll play anything, just to get the game over.

Remember, kids, don't try this at home! Only trained professionals should attempt these dangerous stunts, and only then with proper supervision and safety features in place.