Using Your Jedi Powers In Magic: A Tutorial For The Padawan
Austin LaMarche's"Mind Control Techniques That Can Win You Games - Or Lose Them" was an interesting read. However, he left out the most powerful of all mind control techniques: The Force! Through the use of powerful Jedi techniques, games can easily be turned to your favor. To help you get started in your Jedi career, I'll guide you step by step in the use of the Force in Magic.
#1: Are You Force-Sensitive?
Obviously, if you're aiming to use the Force to win you games, you have to actually be able to wield it! Not all people are Force-sensitive, so don't feel bad if you can't lift a heavy object with your mind by the tenth try. If you know that you lack Force sensitivity, see step #5.
#2: Force techniques to use
Although your range of techniques is wide and varied, it's best to narrow your usage down to a few powers. Experiment with the following and see which best suits your play style.
Ever wanted to know what's in your opponent's hand, but don't want to run that horrible enchantment Telepathy? Well, with the Force, you can open your opponent's mind to you, effectively allowing you to peer at their hand through their own eyes!
To use this skill efficiently, try not to look directly into your opponent's eyes; doing so may send the wrong signal to your opponent. You're looking to steal the game from your opponents, not date them.
Speed is intimidating! The speed at which you shuffle your deck, organize your lands, or even go to the restroom in between turns will unnerve your opponent. Although Force Speed can be used for intimidation, it's probably best suited for winning games that would otherwise be forced into draws by incredibly slow opponents.
Force Speed should be used in moderation. Excessive use may generate large amounts of wind, and judges aren't too forgiving when they find your graveyard on the floor or on your lap.
Irritated by a player stalling five minutes into the game? Give them a small jolt on the knee! Simply slip your hand under the table and deliver a small bolt of Force Lightning to your opponent. You should perfect your aim before ever using this particular power; frying your opponent's groin may be grounds for disqualification.* Again, use this power in moderation, or your opponent may be crying,"Judge!"
#3: Force Techniques Not To Use
Some Force techniques are simply irresistible - but ignore the temptation! Exercise your willpower! You're a freakin' Jedi, for goodness sakes!
This is a prime example of a Force technique not to use during the game. Although you might be tempted to strangle a trash-talking punk from long distance, it's simply not a good idea; killing your opponent may be grounds for disqualification.
Although this seems like the best Force power to use on your opponent, it gives your Jedi secrecy away to whomever may be watching. Spectators will definitely take note of you and your powers when you're waving your hand in front of an opponent's face while he babbles,"I will not block your Krosan Cloudscraper."
This is definitely not the best way to show your joy after winning a game. Feel free to use this technique if your game is outdoors. Watch out for low-flying planes.
Force Levitation/Object Manipulation, Force Push/Pull
A few opponents may figure you out and claim that you're cheating; they can easily be brushed off. However, no one would dispute the claim if they saw a Blistering Firecat fly across the room and into your hand. Don't do it. (Pulling said opponent's pants down with this technique is fair game, however.)
#4: Things A Jedi Should Be Wary Of
Believe it or not, you're not the only Jedi on the block! How do all those Pro Tour players keep their seats of glory? Through use of the Force, of course! When facing another Jedi in a game of Magic, your power is a moot point; you must win through mental concentration, discipline, and skill.
Didn't want to hear that, huh? Well, too bad! Not everything in life is sunshine and lollipops. So beware! Some of your fellow Jedi players have fallen to the Dark side of the force. Never attempt to use your Force powers on Kai Budde; you don't want him completing the circle on your ass.
#5: What To Do In Case You Lack Force Sensitivity
Last but not least is advice for those that lack the ability to use the Force. The answer is simple: hire a Jedi! That's right, for a certain price, you can hire your very own rogue or outcast Jedi to help you out during intense Magic competition! You're skeptical, you say?
Well, the proof is in the pudding**... As witness this photo! (Can't see him? He's on the right side and has long hair. You can't miss him.)
There you have it - proof that Jedi hirelings exist! Just make sure that your outcast Jedi isn't on the verge of falling to the Dark side while he's under your employ; nothing is more embarrassing than having a mad Jedi mutilate the crowd of spectators watching your Feature Match as you're about to win a Grand Prix.
Well, there's my guide to using the Force in Magic. I guarantee that if you follow my guide, your record of winning will increase by at least 150%.***
So good luck playing Magic - and may the Force be with you! ****
(Note #1: This guide is a complete joke. I'm sure no one needs this note, but I'd rather cover my rear end, just in case.)
(Note #2: This is not an attempt to rag on Austin LaMarche or his article; I was simply hit with the idea that a parody of a psychological guide would be funny.)
(Note #3: I also don't condone the use of cheating AT ALL. If you really can use the Force, leave your mad-leet Jedi skills at home, or I'll be yelling,"Judge!")
* - Author is not responsible for failed usage of Force Lightning, be it with"perfected" aim or not.
** - The"Jedi" in the picture was first spotted by miseting.com's billking in the thread entitled,"Grand Prix Prague Captions!" You have a sharp eye, there, billking.
*** - Author's figures for improved records of winning are subject to change at a moment's notice.
**** - Author does not guarantee that the Force will be with you. Use at your own discretion.