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Advice to Magic Writers Everywhere
I am tired of reading garbage articles online. After spending grueling hours at school, learning the legal system inside out, I return to the solitude of my house to surf the Magic sites. But, recently, there has been an influx of poorly written jargon polluting our pool, giving off the impression that the Magic community are quite possibly all fifth-grade students.
- The most fundamental rule in all of Magic is this: The Wizards of the Coast website publishes the greatest articles ever! Their decks are the strongest, most powerful things available. Obviously, if they made the game, then they know what they are talking about. Copy a decklist off their site, and bring it directly to the tournament. Do not make a single change. You will win!
- The best way to get your point across in an article, IS TO LEAVE THE CAPS LOCK ON WHILE YOU WRITE THAT CRUCIAL SENTENCE LIKE HOW YOUR SIXTY CARD DECK WORKS WELL WITH .
- When at a tournament, tell the reader everything that happens to you. Everything. From the shady hotel that you stayed at, to how much the fries were at McDonalds, to how half the people at the tournament were five or six and most importantly, to how you got up for the tournament at some ungodly hour, drove for three hours and then were late to the tournament, and barely made it in. Readers love that.
- Also, when you lose the tournament, or come in 11th place, tell us about how terrible a player you are. Like when he is down to one land, and you're playing land destruction, and you cycle and he won the game three turns later. Tell us how you wish you had a time machine to go back in time and fix the mistakes of the past, like convincing your mother to use stronger contraceptive.
- When posting in forums, remember one key thing: You're the Worlds Greatest Player. Hence, when you demand that Wizards ban , any of the storm cards, and , feel no need to explain the logic behind your choices. Remember, you're the World's Greatest Player, Magic fans want to be you, random women want to bear your children, you don't need to justify yourself, and the masses will simply nod and follow along with your demands.
- Write an article about your netdeck. Tell the reader that you found an affinity deck list off of Brainburst, took out an Island and put in another , and that this simple change has made your deck the strongest possible deck in Type 2, and it may even be the strongest deck in Type 1!
- Tell us how your slaughtered hundreds of goblins single-handedly, and your three s and two ruled the U/W control decks. Also, make a ridiculous sideboard which involves you sideboarding in more land to make your deck three colors and how, believe or not, this makes the deck ten times more powerful.
- Make sure to give vague shout-outs to all your friends. We all need to know that you have a friend named John.
- Either be incredibly optimistic, or incredibly pessimistic. Either your Red/Green Land Destruction deck is God's gift to Magic, or if you see another Goblin deck, you will resolve the issue with a Hemingway-esque solution. A happy medium is not something you need to achieve.
- When writing about your new and improved combo deck, there are certain things you need to mention. They include,"This deck rocks format X. It only really has problems with (insert top six decks from format X here)." Also,"This deck is pretty awesome if you can get it going" then include no card draw in the deck, no mana acceleration, and no other possible way for the deck to"get going."
- Make sure to mention your incredibly high DCI rating that you received from competing in three - count them, three - Friday Night Magic Competitions.
It's really not that hard. Just follow the above points to write a terrible article... Or do the opposite of everything I wrote and we can begin to get some decent writings on Magic out there.
Props out to my friend Nick who inspired me to write this article, and to that Tweak kid, who I enjoy making fun of.
--Nic Johnson
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