If there's one thing memorable about going to any big Magic event or convention, it's the players. I don't think I'm alone when I say that Magic players represent some of the most unique and interesting people who share a common hobby. However, these"colorful" personalities may be the pro scene's biggest turnoff. Some of these people are cheats, manipulative, annoying, and most of all, rude.

Anything that involves people will have its own stereotypes. So, why not Magic? In this article I will outline the stereotypes of Magic - people who you might be able to identify with, but hopefully not.

Stereotype 1:"Lightning Hands" McDonell
These are the people who always have something in their mouth. They're the type who play really, really fast and sloppily and expect you do to the same. But most of all, they shuffle their cards extremely quickly. Some of them know weird hand tricks that beg to be classified as cheating. They handle their cards like frying pans. They use the Japanese altered-art-by-Dan-Bock versions of cards and expect you to do the same. If anything, the frantic pace at which they shuffle their cards only indicates that they're nervous - but if you take too long, it'll get to you too.

• Handle their cards like frying pans as well, bending the hell out of anything you get to touch
• Play U/W Millstone control
• Act like you really have to go to the bathroom. Shake the table with your feet if you must.
• Occasionally mutter subtle but witty phrases under your breath, such as"Should'a taken his Ritalin this morning..." or"Wanna ride bikes?"

• You are unable to eat thin crust pizza
• You shake so fast at events you that you start to black out
• You've knocked an opponents deck over when he asks you to"cut"
• All of your sentences while playing are made up on the fly, and don't usually make any sense. For example:"Hurry up, why is it taking so long you're always stalling out I could call a judge or something wait are you attacking me?"

Stereotype 2: Mikey the Master
At first glance, Mikey seems like a good person. He may be only fourteen years old, but he's got everything, from foil Lightning Bolts to signed Mirror Universes. His hair is always sticking up, but he's young, so it's cute. Little do you know that this Mikey is one of the most arrogant players you'll ever meet.

He's got the cards... Of course he does! His parents own the shop after all, and if there's anything I've learned from father/son Magic, it's that"Dad, I need a..." is the most powerful bargaining phrase in the world. He's got the skills, but that doesn't matter because his brother built all of his decks. Of course that doesn't matter, either, because odds are they were taken card-for-card from whatever won Nationals this year.

The worst part, however, is his bragging rights. He thinks that just because he's fourteen and has won so many JSS tournaments while maintaining an 1800 rating, everyone will think he's cute and look up to him. Let me tell you something - when I was fourteen, I played in the JSS whenever I could, and winning them is leagues away from even Top 8'ing a PTQ. At a normal tournament, out of the decks entered, about ninety five percent of them are netdecks. At a JSS, it's about ten percent, and they aren't even good decks - they're the old classics we all remember, such as the classic eighty-five-card"Green Deck Led by Thorn Elemental," or the"Dralnu's Pet/Draco Ultimate Combo Deck." So no, Mikey, you do not get my respect.

• Whatever he brags about, one-up him. If he boasts about an 1800 DCI rating, tell him yours is 1900. If he's won six JSS tournaments, tell him you've won enough to pay for four years of full tuition at Princeton.
• Tell him that parents are mean and will eventually demand back everything they gave you; they only lent you the cards so you could win and pay for their retirement.
• If you see anything out of the norm for a deck, just laugh and utter,"So that's what the kids are playing these days. No wonder he's not on the National team."
• Go to his parents' shop and demand the cards he's playing with.

• You've never actually built a deck.
• You assume that the difficulty of a JSS is about on par for that of any other tournament.
• People claim that they don't know you, which is why you can never get a ride to an actual event.
• You still think girls will be attracted to Magic players.

Stereotype 3: Pro Tour Pete
Pro Tour Pete is a player who gets around. If there's any major event, he'll be there. Everyone knows him by name. He'll always be using the most annoying deck of the format. He attempts mind games, but deep down you know he's scared of losing. Worst of all, he's always there to judge you.

If it's not being played right now, or even if it's just experimental, he thinks it sucks. Any rogue deck he sees, he'll criticize. He'll never admit that he actually likes Type 2 or Block, but plays it because he thinks he knows he can conquer it. He'll always insist that Odyssey Block was nothing more than Wild Mongrel, a few of the Wishes and a couple of Madness cards, and that Onslaught block had nothing good in it besides maybe Stifle. He comes only to win, and gets really pissed off when he doesn't, claiming mana screw and sputtering out some mumbo-jumbo about how badly he crushed the deck in testing. If he cannot defeat you in cards, he'll try to defeat you with words.

He might shake your hand in the beginning of the match but feel awkward about it, and he'll never shake your hand in the end. If you beat him, he'll storm off, giving you the look that he shouldn't have to shake your hand because it wasn't a good match. If he wins, he won't offer a handshake, and even if you do, he won't accept it because you weren't a worthy foe. Saying"Good Luck" at the start of the matchup will only prompt a sarcastic glare (as if anyone ever means it). Worse yet, if you won, he'll complain all day about the match and get his buddies to hate you, often prompting the"You know, you really shouldn't have won that match"-type remark.

He knows all the Magic lingo, but probably not what their proper uses are. 'Mise' is funny the first time, but this guy will wring the word out dry. He even knows the lingo that doesn't make much sense, like"stains,""house,""tings," and"cuts to the barn."

• If you win, claim that you just built the deck this morning and you beating him is a testament to how good you are.
• If you lose, drone on endlessly about the eighteen cards in your deck that you could have drawn either game to win the game. Even if you're not playing the card, mention them anyway. If the only card that could have saved you is of another color, claim mana screw and that all the cards in your hand were of that color. He might get the point after five or ten minutes of this.
• If he calls a judge over on a trivial matter, such as"Improper Pile Shuffling," call one over on an even more trivial matter, such as"Deceiving Hand Placement."
• Make up your own Magic lingo. On a good play, say something like, "Damn, that's Spaghetti-O's!!" It's also okay to use lingo that refers to famous people. For example, if you win, it's acceptable to say,"Man, I really Kobe'd you that game". Other good lingo includes"That's a frown squad,""He got O.J.'ed," and"Funktastic."

• You can't understand why people say"Good Luck" at the start of a match, after all, if anything, you'd want to curse them by breaking a mirror on their deck.
• You think every loss is through no fault of your own
• You traded off your Cursed Scrolls and Rishadan Ports at $3 when they were first released.
• If a girl asks you on a date, you accept by saying,"I'll run it."

Stereotype 4: Dealer Dan
Dealer Dan is a dealer. That much should be clear. He's in the Magic business. But why he's a dealer is unclear.

That's because Dealer Dan doesn't know the first thing about Magic. Sure, he played in the"old days'," something like during Ice Age and Mirage block. You know, when Jester's Cap and Grinning Totem were worth $15? Of course, since those are older and harder to get, that must mean they're at least worth that much now, right?

Dan doesn't want to get ripped off; thus, he prices his cards at what Scrye is pricing them at, or at least what a more expensive dealer would charge. Even cards that never were and never will be, like Avatar of Might, are sitting in the case for $6 apiece. Of course Dan has the card you need; it's not as if he ever really sells much of his stock, and is really only still in business because of either another source of income, such as comic books, or the fact that it's the only store in town.

His trade list is ridiculous. An Exalted Angel that he sells for $20 is worth only $5 in trade and $3 in cash. No matter what the card, the price he offers is way less than what you could probably sell it to anyone else in the store, even those who don't want it. Such as $5 cash for a Beta Tropical Island. Of course, some guy will go up to Dan and sell his Tropical Islands, which are obviously fakes, but Dan won't know it. They'll sit in the case for $30 each, and even when he's informed they're fake, he won't take them out.

• Explain to him, in detail, the amount of tournament play such high-priced cards as Grinning Totem and Voidmage Prodigy actually got.
• Tell him how much"the other dealer" is selling his cards for, even if you have to make up the prices. For example, if he wants $8 for a Draco, tell him that at the other store you can get a Draco, a soda, and a candy bar for only $1.50. Then ask him why he doesn't have candy.
• A lot of these dealers go by InQuest prices. Keep a copy of the InQuests that named Necropotence, Dream Halls, and Temple of the False God as the worst cards in their respective sets.
• If he runs events, use a fake name. Good ones include"Kai Budde","Jon Finkel", and"Bob Maher, Jr."

• You price cards according to their power and toughness
• You can't even sell much of your inventory on your half-off sales
• You'll give discounts to the kids with hot mothers
• You still have backstock of Fallen Empires

Stereotype 5: Trader Tim
Trader Tim is like Dealer Dan. He's been playing for a while. He has everything. He's constantly buying and selling cards. Unlike Dealer Dan, he knows what his cards are worth. Also unlike Dealer Dan, he doesn't actually have a store. He's got it all, and thinks that because he does, he can rip people off. His prices are low, but that's only because cash and cards are the same to him.

He's at every event, keeping on the down-low because he knows he can't do what he's doing legally at an event. Even the other dealers know about him, but he's so ambiguous, they'll never be able to find him. He's easily recognizable, however, mostly because he's the one with the huge backpack or suitcase full of binders.

He knows all the misprints. He knows that there were two thousand Sapphire Medallions printed with a panel from a Charlie Brown cartoon imposed in the picture. He'll ask to look at them, and tell you that they're misprints, but not what the misprint was until you actually trade him the card, promising he'll only tell you if you trade it to him. Of course you have to now; after all, you just gotta know what it is.

• Ask for very obscure cards like Infernal Darkness, Yare, and Mystic Remora, and while he's finding them, suddenly leave.
• If he's at a convention, selling illegally, tell the dealers,"well, that guy there will sell it to me for less...". Hopefully the dealers will want to chase after him and hilarity will ensue. There's nothing funnier than watching two Magic players chase each other.
• Make up your own misprints. Tell him you have a misprinted Rishadan Port where the front and back were both printed upside down!
• If he has a bunch of DCI foils, such as forty-five Foil Dauthi Slayers, ask him where his house is because you want to play Friday Night Magic. (A friend of mine actually accumulated several Warlord"Abyssal Attack" decks, which were quite a commodity in that day, using this method of telling the company your house is a store; he sent them back of course.)

• Your collection is constantly getting better and you don't know why you have three different kinds of binders, Type 2, Extended, and Pre-Tempest, and even those are split up into White/Blue, Black/Red, and Green/Gold/Artifact/Land binders.
• You've tried to pay for gas with an Exalted Angel.

Stereotype 6: (first name)"Fat Man" (last name)
Fat Man is a common nickname among Magic players. Whereas once"Fat Man" referred only to Kurt Hahn, now every group of Magic players has dubbed their own"Fat Man," usually someone who can make even Kurt Hahn look like your regular Brian Kibler.

Fat Man has a lot of quirks. For one, he's always good at Magic, and he's almost always arrogant about it in some way.

Second, he's mostly jolly. Sure, he's in a bad mood every now and again, but when he's around his friends, he can be a fun guy. It may be hard to see him as being a happy guy however, because he's in his twenties, not in school, and still lives with his parents. Thirdly, and most noticeably, he's loud. If he topdecks the game-winning Wonder or uses Willbender on a Flamewave Invoker, you'll know it, even from across the room. The main problem with Fat Man is he's hard to identify. They never have normal names like Nick or Mike or Paul, it's always something awkward, like Tye or Charleston.

• Always take the opportunity to take a crack at him. For example, if you're going to order food, always say something like,"Let me guess... Seventy-four Whoppers?" It's not actually that funny, but it at least makes you look smart.
• Ask him why all of his cards have grease marks.
• Try to convince him to join the Duelist Invitational, just so you can see what the art on his card will look like.
• Try to be louder than he is, about even more trivial matters. Shout out things like,"Now that I have two Swamps, I can activate Looming Shade twice!" or pump your fist and make a loud, deep,"Yar!" noise whenever you deal damage to your opponent.

• Whenever you speak, the room gets silent.
• One of your buddies brings a boom box to tournaments so he can play Weird Al's"Fat" whenever you win a match.
• Your hands are so sweaty your card sleeves fog up on warmer days.
• You think that a bottle of lemonade might make a good weapon.

Let me set something straight: I love playing Magic. However, we definitely need less people who call people they don't know"retarded" for their play and deck decisions... Especially the type of guy who argues everything you say by insisting he's just the opposite. Remember, it was this guy who thought that Chrome Mox was going to have to be banned and that Voidmage Prodigy was actually really, really good. It was the guy sitting down at table 823 playing the"Ultimate Wall, Kibler style" deck who first discovered that Rishadan Port and Masticore worked. Then someone stole his ideas.

In that respect, I would like to officially declare Leveler as the new chase rare. After all, if a 10/10 creature is so good you had to lose the game right after you played it to make it balanced, there must be something about 10/10 creatures that Wizards doesn't want us to know about. Look for him to partner up with super-hetero life partner Obstinate Familiar in the next Extended seasion.

Type Cross
http://newtraditionalists.keenspace.com
erfinagerfin@hotmail.com