I get a ride from my friend to his computer, where there's going to be an online tournament. I am kind of excited, since this is my first major one, but unsure what I'm going to play. I have a deep philosophical discussion with my friend about the metagame until his mom, who is driving the minivan, tells us to stop because we're annoying his sister.

I try to explain that this a major thing: If we win fifty-eight of them, there is a one-in-nineteen chance we could qualify for the big tournament based on rating, and whoever wins that tournament gets a booster pack! Wow! She can't seem to grasp this, so we talk about who could beat who at Halo. (Best game ever, by the way. It's the highest nut.)

(Editor's Note: StarCityGames and the editorial staff do not condone the use of"gay" as any sort of insult or slander. However, because this is a parody, and because it is so friggin' true, we have chosen to make an exception this time.)

I log on to IRC, and this idiot starts insulting me because I think Slivers is good, but I come up with some brilliant retorts. Here's the transcript for those that appreciate this sort of thing (I am soccerdood36):

[slyowns] slivers is gay
[soccerdood36] ur gay

Then the idiot tries to steal my brilliant and witty retort!

[slyowns] no ur gay
[soccerdood36] no ur gay
[slyowns] no ur gay
[soccerdood36] no ur gay
[snorlax] Type2 any1? cant host no Blue decks plz
[slyowns] no ur gay
[soccerdood36] no ur gay
[slyowns] no ur gay
[snowboarder] Mirrodin Block Constructed - msg me cant host
[soccerdood36] no ur gay
[slyowns] no ur gay
[snorlax] Type2 any1? Still cant host no Blue decks plz
[soccerdood36] no ur gay
[slyowns] no ur gay
[anonemus] lol like no1 can host am I rite
[soccerdood36] no ur gay
[mixedknut] rabbit season!
[slyowns] duck season!
[soccerdood36] duck season!
[slyowns] rabbit season!
slyowns has quit IRC (quit: sly is the greatest deck)

As you can see, I obviously won that. My friend informs me that the mini will start in a few minutes, so I load up my deck. Here it is:

slyowns is a duck
Maindeck:
4 Brood Sliver
4 Plated Sliver
4 Root Sliver
4 Quick Sliver
4 Toxin Sliver
4 Blade Sliver
4 Crypt Sliver
4 Hunter Sliver
4 Shifting Sliver
4 Spectral Sliver
4 Chrome Mox
4 Patriarch's Bidding
4 Healing Salve
3 Phage the Untouchable
5 Swamp
3 Plains
6 Mountain
2 Island
8 Forest

I don't have a sideboard because sideboards are stupid and unfair because, well because they are stupid.

There are seven people in the mini, which isn't enough, but it means that I have a lower chance of running into some dumb deck like Affinity. I mean Broodstar is just so dumb - it's too big and stuff, so I don't play that because, well because if it's big and it's not a Thorn Elemental, it isn't any good.

Round 1- ownzedj00 with Four-Color Isochron Scepter Control
Game 1: I play brilliantly and show off my complete mastery of everything having to do with Magic by playing lots of Slivers. What people don't understand is the amount of skill involved in playing a deck like Slivers as opposed to some dumb Affinity deck.

Game 2: I get color screwed.

Game 3: I once again play brilliantly, but he keeps complaining about having to mulligan to four because of no land. I mean, it's his fault, am I right? I hate whiners. Anyway, I win the match.

Semifinals- zergkilla411 with some dumb Red and White deck
Wow. After such a long day, I am finally in the semifinals. I think now would be a good time to thank my buddies for helping me get this far. I've been on the computer for almost fifty minutes, and I couldn't have done it without them.

Game 1: He is obviously using some cheat program, as every time I play a few Slivers, he destroys them! I mean, it's obvious that a deck that slow could never win. Wrath of God? Hello... what a n00b card! So I tell him,"omg wtf u r chetng," and he goes all nuts on me, saying,"no, I just destroyed a creature of yours." And then he tells me that my deck is bad! Mine!

Slivers never say die! I topdeck Patriarch's Bidding naming,"Goon... er, Slivers," and they truffle-shuffle across the next turn for the win, even though I lost a Root Sliver to Wing Shards. Frown town.

Game 2: He still cheats, except this time, he uses some other stupid program so I only get one land. This is worse than Mike Long and his Howling Wolves! I resolve to pile shuffle better for game 3, and make sure I cut it when he gives it back. I hate cheaters!

Game 3: I start out slowly, but I actually have mana this time, so I am certain I will win. I play out creatures, and he kills them off slowly, but doesn't have any action except an Astral Slide on the board. I know I have him though, if I can only drawn another Swamp. He gets an Exalted Angel on the table and holds off my little Goon... er, Sliver army, and then has the gall to start attacking with it and gaining life. I don't have to worry about it though, as I finally topdeck my Swamp and cast Phage, the Untouchable!

He doesn't have a Wrath for Phage and lets me untap, so I know I'm going to win now. I attack with my whole team in case he has Wing Shards, and say,"concede?" knowing that there's no way he can avoid a brutal Phage death. He replies,"derf! before damage, cycle Eternal Dragon, target Phage with Slide." Sigh, I was hoping he didn't have a cycler, but it only saves him a turn.

"ur dead"

"what?"

"phage comes back into play. ur dead."

"omg, how gay! ur a svg chetr!"

I mean really, who plays awful cards like Wrath of God and Astral Slide?

Even though I lost, Sliver Bidding is still the best deck in the format. I'll get 'em next time. Slivers never say die!

So anyway, now for some props and slops.

Props

• My friend, for letting me use his computer
• The guys at Microsoft, for making X-Box so much better than every other console
• My other friend Todd, for the noodle jokes - remember the hamster and stuff? That was great!

Slops

• That guy in the semifinals for using a dumb cheat program
• My friend's mom, for not understanding anything
• That kid John, for using a keyboard and a scuba outfit against me
• slyowns, for being a duck

Well, that's my report. Thanks for reading, and until next time, use the force.

Jesse Mason
kingcobweb on the forums
kingcob on IRC