Good evening.

I trust you're well?

Well, if you're reading this that must mean that you, faithful reader, want to become a better trader in the exciting world of Magic: The Gathering. It is a good move to start your journey to better trading by reading this. Outlined here are several simple rules that, if followed, will ensure you greater trading instantly.

But, before I begin, the foolish and arrogant among you are probably thinking:"But, Daneais, although you have incomparably good writing skills and looking-back-at-Odyssey-block skills, what makes you so sure you're a good trader?" Well, I'll tell you, you fool.

See, I'm a good trader simply because of the fact that I kick ass. I really do, and furthermore, I'm always right and my grammar is always perfect. Now, if you're still not convinced that I'm smarter than you are, just read through Daneais Gran's"The Trader's Handbook" and marvel at my ruthless arrogance.

[Editor's Note: As with anything we run lately that has attitude, I know some of you are going to be offended by this article. That is your prerogative. For the rest of you, there are some very interesting anecdotes and useful tips below, so enjoy.]

Rule #1: Scrubs are not people. Scrubs are Scrubs.
Compassion is for little girls that wear pretty skirts and play hopscotch because they're little girls.

I cannot stress this rule enough. Scrubs are the lifeblood of any serious player with a limited budget. It is important that you trade with them, and make the most shockingly advantageous-to-you deals possible.

There is no advice to give on how to trade with scrubs. They trade their cards for you. The only thing you can do is keep a full binder with all the regulars: Kamahl, Fist of Krosa, Silklash Spider, Krosan Colossus, Silvos, Rogue Elemental (Notice the trend?) - oh, and for the love of God, always, always, always carry at least one Jareth, Leonin Titan around with you. You'll be glad you did.

There are one or two rules which you must heed when trading with scrubs. First, get an allowance big enough, or earn enough money to purchase the cards that you need from dealers at a fair price: Do not trade with scrubs. Scrubs are God's gift to those who cannot afford to buy expensive cards and need to increase their collection through capitalism. If you can afford to buy your Magic cards rightfully, and still tap into the scrubline, you are a jerk, you are slime, and I hate your guts.

The same rule applies to all rip-offs: If you can afford to do otherwise, don't. Nobody respects you for giving four fetchlands for three Decrees of Justice, a Glimmervoid, a Broodstar, and a Starstorm, when you'll just be adding those to your playsets of each you got with daddy's money. We, in fact, wish you were dead, because people with supplies of money that are actually limited need trades like those if we ever want to get that set of Oblivion Stones for our MBC deck. Please die.

And lastly, if you, and I am referring to the middle-class card collector, see a scrub, don't let compassion get in your way. If you don't take that Foil Ravenous Baloth, someone else will. And he doesn't deserve at as much as you do. You were a scrub once, and all those Exalted Angels you opened aren't going to come back. Scrubs need to learn how to trade wisely the hard way.

Help them, won't you?

Rule #2: Have a diverse binder.
Some things go without saying. Those things are mainly"If you don't have a card a person wants, you're not going to get what you want from them."

Of course, there are some occasions where you're just going to be short of Undead Gladiators when the fellow with the under-valued Siege-Gang Commander really needs 'em. But you must try your hardest to avoid situations like these.

For example, say you own a playset of Ravenous Baloths, but you own no expensive Oversold Cemeteries or Birds of Paradise. Diversify, even if the trades aren't in your best interest. Go ahead, trade one for a Rotlung Reanimator, one for a Polluted Delta and one for a Broodstar, and still keep one just in case. You need to think smartly: What's more likely? A) Falling upon four Birds of Paradise, B) Someone owning four Birds of Paradise, and every other Land D card in the world and but for a delinquent set of Ravenous Baloths will find you, or C) Someone might be building Zombies/Clerics or Affinity. But C) is awfully unlikely, isn't it?

Diversifying is the key to overall fruitful trades.

Rule #3: Some People you just can't trade with.
Yes. You know who I'm talking about. And if you are one of these people, bite me.

These are the jerks, the leeches, the poseurs, the roustabouts who just can't seem to make a fair trade for their lives, regardless of how badly they need the card. [Wow, poseur and roustabouts in the same sentence... he is good. - Knut, giving kudos for vocabulary]

There's a bit of #3 in all of us, but the main problem with devoted number #3s is that they think, nay, know, they're smarter than you are (sarcasm). When really, they just sound like idiots.

"Yeah, that's a quality Exalted Angel. But, Exalted Angel isn't much played, anymore. All the U/W builds aren't using it. In fact, everyone is realizing how it sucks. But since I like you (which is why I'm insulting your collection), I can give you the Graveborn Muse for it."

Now, let's just assume that this idiot, who we'll just call a random name... Axle - no, Regg (Pronounced Reg). Let's assume that three people are in a trade with Regg. We have the nice guy, Adam, the neutral guy, Daniel, and the tells-it-like-it-is guy, Mathyu Esquire III , all in the same trade. Let's see how Adam deals with this trade.

"Umm... I don't know... I'd have to think about it... but..."

Wrong.

Adam, in the end, gives away his Exalted for that single Graveborn. Why? Because he isn't assertive enough with Regg. Regg uses the old trader's technique, which I don't condone, of whittling down his confidence in the value of his cards until he gives in. Poor Adam.

"No, I really don't think I want to do that. Couldn't you do something more reasonable, like three Muses and a Rotlung Reanimator?" - Daniel

Wrong.

In the end Daniel loses face and gives into Regg's subtle coercing for just a single Rotlung and Graveborn Muse.

Why? Daniel talked to Regg like he was a person. A fellow human being. He is not. He is scum, and if he gets his way the whole world gets a little colder. Regg must be dealt with promptly or his underhanded tricks win over. Now let's see how Mathyu takes out the trash:

{Regg} -"So, yeah, like, I mean, I don't really want your Exalted Angel. Like I said, it's pretty weak, and it's so metagamed out, right, Axle? (Insert obligatory poseur friend perpetuating lies). So I can give you Rotlung for it. And Rotlung is highly played. Like I said, I don't really need Angel, but you really need Rotlung. So how about it?"

{Mathyu} -"What the hell are you talking about, you idiot? Exalted Angel's abilities are completely synergistic with each other - the smooth morph mana curve, the five toughness, which makes it completely impossible to remove efficiently except for Black removal which must be implemented right away, and if it is not, the Angel, beginning on turn 4, will put the opponent on a five-turn clock while giving its controller a virtual life total of thirty-six.

"Furthermore, in the very highly-finishing Slide/Rift decks present in most major standard tournaments, Exalted Angel does essentially become invincible, under the protection of Astral Slide. And since the only color that can destroy Slide, other than Green which is un-played as of now, except in Ponza and other forms of proactive LD, the only means of removing Astral Slide (which does infinitely protect Angels while generating no card disadvantage) is through Akroma's Vengeance - a risky procedure to say the least."

{Regg} -"I want my mommy!"

See, Mathyu dealt with Regg exactly right. He didn't go for any of his self-esteem destroying mumbo-jumbo crap, he put that idiot in his place. And kept his Exalted Angel.

Kudos to you, Mathyu.

Don't trade with Number #3's. It's pointless.

Rule #4: Some other people you still can't trade with.
I apologize for the poor use of organization on my part, but I really needed to make a point of not comparing this other kind of trader with scum the likes of Regg. He is known only as Greenpants. And he is smarter than you.

Greenpants is a very, very good trader. He uses all the techniques Regg uses, but uses them well. He's a nice person to be around. But if you trade with him, he will rip you off. And I don't care how clever you are or how smart you think you are, he'll rip you off.

When it comes to people like Greenpants, the cloud of arrogance that protects you from Regg only hurts you against Greenpants. If you think you can get any kind of remotely fair deal from him, you're wrong.

The crux of rule #4 is that some people are just plain better traders than you are and always will be. You must avoid them.

At all costs.

Rule #5: Capitalize is just another word for"love."
Right now, you're all probably thinking,"You haven't talked a whole lot about actually trading advantageously with people, oh wise Daneais."

That is true. Along those lines, for the most part, trading is a skill that must be learned on your own, and always at a heavy cost. Don't get me wrong, readers, I am not patronizing you - I am aware you didn't only recently crawl out of your cribs. Even I, the great Daneais, am still learning, but there are a few tips I have learned along the way.

Just remember: Capitalize is just another word for love.

Tip #1: The Old Daneais Bait and Shuffle.
This simple technique only requires some practice and a little bit of luck to use correctly. It is simply the art of finding a card of theirs they undervalue and a card of yours they overvalue. This is the easiest form of getting an advantageous trade and is less disgusting for people around you to observe. There are only a few things you can do wrong:

Don't coerce them: This is probably the worst thing you can do. Don't try and talk people into wanting your Broodstar if you expect them to overvalue. The only cards they can overvalue correctly are the ones they pick for themselves.

Be sure they're not a Regg: When they tell you how your Rotlung is worth $14.00, don't start jumping up and down yet. Inquire on their Flooded Strand - if it's somehow worth $20.00, Regg probably thinks you're an idiot.

Don't be afraid to ask: It is up to your partner to pick out the card of yours he overvalues, Siege-Gang commander at $12.00 for example, but you need to find a card he undervalues. Don't be afraid to ask, and don't be discouraged if his Windswept Heath is $15.00, maybe he's just not very smart. And you never know, he might think Persecute is $3.00 and Oblivion Stone is $10.00.

Tip #2: Don't be a Regg.
'Nuff said. Nobody likes Reggs. Never condescend to your worthy trading adversary, and never talk like he's an idiot. Don't kindly explain why his Exalted Angel is worthless...

I am sure he already knows that.

When trading, talk to with respect whomever you are trading with. They are not an idiot, and don't like being talked to like one.

Don't be a Regg. Be a Greenpants.

Tip #3: Know your stuff.
This, too, goes without saying, but know the value of you cards and of their cards. Keep up-to-date on the latest bannings, restrictions, and metagame changes.

Tip #4: Never be afraid to call for a second opinion.
You never know when you'll be unwittingly caught up in Tip #5. And even when you're not, a second opinion, especially when from a friend, can help put things into perspective. When you're not sure how card values stack up, and are not trading for a rip-off, don't be afraid to ask for even a neutral second opinion.

Tip #5: How to be a Regg.
Yes, I know, I have done nothing but condemn Reggs everywhere. But, I figure, if you don't mind being hated by all, you could benefit from using his mannerisms, successful as they may be.

Be a Jerk: That's right. Be a jerk. Be arrogant and think you're smarter than everyone else. The weak-minded will believe you.

Interrupt Trades: It goes without saying; only the lowest forms of life steal trades. It's just not, and should never, be done. The world of trading is accepted to be on a first come first serve basis. Good folks like you and me suffer to preserve it when we know we could just say,"Hey, I'll give you two Ixidors for that Ravenous Baloth." But Regg openly defies this rule, even though he's richer than everyone else. He will hover above you for five or so minutes until he knows what you are offering. If you become a Regg, you will have the advantage of being able to do this easily.

A word to the wise: If you are in the process of a particularly good trade, and see a Regg hovering around. Feel free to ask him kindly to leave. If he persists, I suggest using language of a nature so colorful I couldn't even dream of publishing it.

Condescend: Go ahead and explain to people how their collections are weak. Keep drilling them on exactly why Phyrexian Arena is unplayable. Eventually, they will believe you. Unless they call for a second opinion.

Have Fun with It!

I hope you have learned a lot from this guidebook to better, hotter, more satisfying trading-life.

Just remember, regardless of this, sometimes things just won't go your way. Remember to enjoy trading, and laugh with your friends about how Regg, who just, after you telling him you had dibs on it, traded junk for that Starstorm, will never have a good, hot, satisfying life of another kind.

And you all know what I'm talking about.

Until next time,

Yours truly,
Daneais Gran
daniel_stern@hotmail.com

[As entertained as I was by his LiveJournal, I was forced to remove"Daneais" link to it for content reasons. - Knut]