From having an opponent attempt to Inertia Bubble my friend's Bonesplitter in a vain attempt to make it unequippable, to seeing a player tap three mana to try to activate his Soldier Replica's ability, it's quite clear that the Magic community is in need of an Answerer of Questions that is not afraid to tackle the tough ones.*

It needs a man who was a Level 1 judge for two years, yet restrained his passion for judging to the point where he only judged one event DCI sanctioned event. Ever. It needs a man who can take a swig out of a bottle of rail scotch while belly dancing in someone's front lawn with the sprinklers running. And thus, with great excitement, I have decided to step up and provide this most valuable service to the more clueless of the Magic Community.

In my new column, Ask Mr. Magic, I will answer the questions that others have refused through shame or common sense! I will give you the tips you need to be a Pro Tour player! I will beg for PayPal donations until my bills are paid or my computer is repossessed! All you have to do is ask. So let's dispense with this tomfoolery and answer some questions:

Bob Chander, Holland, MI writes: In a game against my brother yesterday, I attacked with a Fangren Hunter and he tried to prevent the damage with a Circle of Protection: Green. In response to him activating the Circle, I used my Distorting Lens to make it Red. He activated the Circle again and said since the Hunter was Green when he activated it, the Circle would prevent the damage. I say its Red when it deals the damage so the Circle won't work, period. Who's right? I've got a Snickers bar riding on this.

Mr. Magic says: Well, Bob, in this case we have to look at Timestamp Rule, which is listed in Part 432.1b of the"Comprehensive Rules" section of the"Magic Rulebook" which I"looked at once about a year ago." The first activation of the Circle of Protection locks the damage prevention to only Green creatures (A.K.A."cash money" creatures, per the Oracle wording), which the Fangren is at the time. Then you activate the Lens to change the creature's color, which wants to make the Fangren Red. Since the effect would change the Fangren from the"cash money" color to Red (A.K.A."the white trash color"), the Fangren would commit suicide out of shame (A.K.A."be sacrificed") and would be removed from combat.

Since you were both wrong, and I was right, you can send the Snickers Bar to:

Mr. Magic
Street Grate closest to 1128 Southland Ave.
Atlanta, GA 30305

(Note: Address may change depending on any run-ins with the police, because even though I'm minding my own business, those sadistic bastards that walk by keep looking at me oddly, and when I try to get them to stop, I usually lash back out and then I wake up in a cell, with a large, mulleted man looking over me.)

Please send it soon. I'm very hungry.

Rob Meville, Nashville, TN writes: I was recently playing at a local (8K) tournament and playing against an opponent who vehemently demanded that I desleeve my deck. Since I buy cards that are not always mint, the condition of my cards varies from card to card, and I could be disqualified for having a marked deck if the card backs were visible. Do I have to desleeve at my opponent's request?

Mr. Magic says: You should never let your opponent bully you into anything. Sometimes your opponents will try to control the game by rules lawyering or making you do things that you're not comfortable with, like harassing you when shuffling ,their deck or spilling your soda on their Chrome Moxen or not wearing pants on top of your boxer shorts. I like to defuse the situation by letting them know that they won't get the better of me, usually by pretending to speak a language other than the one most common at the event.

For instance, in the United States I would pretend to speak Greek, and thus answer to every question or request by saying,"Kappa Omega Mu," or"Gamma Gamma Delta," or"Hippocrates." Which would probably confuse them, now that I think about it, because I'm 6' 2", blond haired and blue eyed. So, Rob, in a quick answer to your noble question, you don't have to desleeve and you should call a judge over to give your opponent a napkin after you cough in his face repeatedly and violently.

Todd Milano, Sacramento, CA writes: I attack with my Phage the Untouchable. My opponent blocks with his White Knight. I think the Knight should die since Phage's ability isn't targeted. Pleasepleaseplease help me out!

Mr. Magic says: Phage vs. the White Knight has been a long confrontation that has lasted on the battleground ever since, well, last year sometime, or more exactly, since the last time that hooker that tried to overcharge me was seen. Here is the exact process that occurs when Phage attacks and is blocked by a White Knight (note that Phage cannot block the White Knight because, hey, she has better things to do with her time than mess with some holier than thou nobleman that doesn't notice the subtle things she does with her mascara, so he ain't no good for her anyway, girlfriend):

Assuming no fast effects are declared, first strike damage (A.K.A."damage dealt by creatures that have first strike") is assigned. Phage is assigned two from the White Knight. The White Knight is not assigned, any since Phage does not have first strike. Duh.

First strike damage goes on the stack (A.K.A."the little plate in the church that you can pocket an easy $15 from"). We'll assume for simplicity's sake no other fast effects are declared.

Two damage is inflicted to Phage, who has a toughness of four. She lives to the regular damage phase.

Phage assigns four damage to the White Knight during"regular" combat phase. Combat damage is put on the stack.

Because"Protection from Black" sounds like a racist epithet, and that White Knight's not fooling anyone when he says"It's just a coincidence" that his helmet looks like one of those tall white hoods worn by some other people who would like to see"white" triumph over"black" once and for all, a lawsuit is filed. Rev. Al Sharpton asks the media why, oh why does Black get to pay seven mana for a 4/4 creature, while White gets a much better bargain at two for a 2/2. Johnny Cochran represents Phage in a court of law and files a civil suit for Phage, which is quickly wrapped up and decided because with the evidence provided, it's clear that the Knight was the aggressor in this situation. The Knight becomes destitute, loses his possessions, and becomes a lowly 1/1 with no abilities for the rest of the game. [And we wonder where"Humility" came from. - Knut]

Will Marshall, Fort Wayne, Indiana writes: I have a Hill Giant with Whispersilk Cloak on it and I play Grab the Reins with Entwine targeting my opponent's Nim Shambler (first part) and my opponent (second part). He sacrifices the Nim Shambler to its own ability. I can't target my Hill Giant to sacrifice it, so does anything happen?

Mr. Magic says: Well, Will, there's an easy explanation to this question, but since the Prozac/Zoloft cocktail is just starting to kick in, that explanation is fading like your sweet, sweet consciousness after some bouncer breaks a cue stick over your head because you"forgot" you can't cover your bar tab! We'll have to work through this the hard way.

We can't answer this question until we know the true nature of the Hill Giant. Without a doubt, he's going to be a little lacking in the grey matter. How do we know this? Well, have you ever seen a Hill Giant teaching a high school class before? Or an elementary school class? Even a Sunday school class? (Hill Giants are also known for being Godless heathens). Intelligence would only get in the way of a typical Hill Giant day, which usually consists of being summoned by some know-it-all wizard, bashing things or getting bashed until the sun goes down, and then bashing a female Hill Giant (known as"courtship" in Hill Giant or gangsta rapper terms) and making sweet love to her until she wakes up.

Thus, with no higher thinking capacity, what would the Hill Giant do if a wizard wanted to put it out of its existence by hurling it Pedro Martinez-style at an opposing wizard, or perhaps a well-crafted piece of furniture? Well it sure wouldn't let some piece of apparel stop it. The answer to your question is, you don't need to target the Hill Giant to sacrifice it to Grab the Reins. It's going to have fun getting that one last club strike on your opponent's dome, especially if your opponent's dome looks mightily like a female Hill Giant. And I've seen enough Magic players to say without a reasonable doubt that yes, your opponent does probably look like a female Hill Giant.

Well, I can hear sirens in the background, so that's all the time we have for this installment of Ask Mr. Magic! Until the next time I can find another home with a DSL connection to, um, borrow... take care!

Regards,
Tybuc

* Not to take anything from two fine judges in StarCity's own Sheldon Menery and Wizards's Rune Horvik. But after much Internet research that mainly consisted of me looking for dirt, err, researching the backgrounds of both of these excellent people, I found that they shared first or last names with many, many notorious war criminals and those"people" who will drink wine while eating cheese and talking about such intellectual topics as"current events,""post-impressionism," and"the economy." Mr. Magic hates cheese and wine, intellectual topics, and referring to himself in the first person, and will not be caught dead or alive associating with those objects and/or ideas.

And those witnesses who said I was drinking wine when I was throwing rocks at the highway and then vomiting in a ditch are wrong. It was malt liquor cleverly disguised in a bottle of Night Train.