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Well, due to popular demand, and by that I mean excited e-mails suggesting that I"take a flying leap,""drown in a vat of acid," and"get consumed alive by rats infected by a flesh eating virus so that I get digested twice to make sure [I] don't come back," I have decided to create a second installment of Ask Mr. Magic. It is my personal guarantee that after reading this highly informative and occasionally legible article, you will win the next PTQ, GP, or PT that you enter, or at the very least, you'll have a regular bowel movement soon.

Due to the fact that all my reader mail was deleted by some madman (who shall remain nameless) after he drank a few shots of tequila (that was later determined to be fetid compost, because, hey, sometimes when you've had a lot of Nyquil, they kinda smell the same), I'll have to make up the following questions, reader names, and locations. They may all end up being Clay Parsons from Quetzlcoatl, NM again because I've been"using" White Out despite the fact I'm writing this on my computer, but I'm willing to take that risk for you, the reader. Without further ado, let's commence with the questionin', pardner:

Clarence Williams from Arlington, VA writes: Debt of Loyalty reads"Regenerate target creature. Gain control of that creature." Does that mean I can play this any time to take control of one of my opponent's creatures at instant speed, whether or not the regeneration happens?

Mr. Magic says: Clarence, Clarence, (if I may call you that, considering you are a figment of my imagination), I have been asked this question many times by people who may or may not also have been imagined. A good thing to do if you're trying to determine whether or not someone is imaginary is to ask them to see their driver's license, and then if they let you see it, take their wallet from them and run off. That way, if they're imaginary, it just looks like you're trying to get a good workout. If they're real, you've just made a lot of money! Try it sometime.

But back to the question... Debt of Loyalty is a Weatherlight card, which as we all know, was a very White-based set. Some of the most degenerate White cards in history, such as Empyrial Armor, Abeyance, and Aura of Silence, were printed in the set, as well as Tariff, which is notable because the pictures on the front of the card can be cut out, pasted to quarters and can be passed off as rare coins to people with bad eyesight! I once spent an entire month living off of the money"provided" by eight Tariffs, sometimes even eating on consecutive days!

Like I said, Debt of Loyalty is a Weatherlight card, and thus uses the rules that were present in Magic back in the days that Weatherlight was printed. I remember, under Oracle rule 321.3d (The"Kenny from South Park Rule"), you can only regenerate a creature that's"on its way to the graveyard." Thus, if it's not on its way to the graveyard, it can't feel very loyal to you for saving it, since it was in no apparent danger. In fact, for trying to trick it, it'll probably want to attack you its next turn, too. But don't quote me on that, since hey, you're no more real than the floating grey disc I see in the sky sometimes, where little grey men take me aboard to do some routine check ups on me, and when I wake up, my butt hurts a lot.

Tim Wachman of Biloxi, MS writes: Okay, here's the situation. My opponent is tapped out with two cards in hand, five life, and two creatures. I have zero creatures and a Death Cloud in hand and am at two life. If I play Death Cloud for three, since my opponent has to discard both cards, he'll take damage from the Megrim and die with me right?

Mr. Magic says: You cannot answer this question without taking a very close look at the nature of one of Magic's most useful concepts, and that is intentional mana weaving. Once you're done mastering that concept, have made several thousands of dollars in prize money, and are on the Pro Tour circuit because you"just happen to draw the right amount of land every time," you can take a look at State Based Effects, the rules of which are the governing force behind the nature of this question.

Whenever a player has priority (A.K.A."the ability to slap the opponent in the face for wearing a Pokemon T-shirt"), State Based Effects are checked. These effects include (but are not limited to) lethal damage on creatures, local enchantments being able to enchant the permanents they're on, the moon's pull on the tides, the Yankees increasing their payroll by another 10% until every member of their team plays in the All-Star Game, and Rosie O' Donnell expanding a few meters after consuming and digesting a busload of victims, not to mention the bus.

In this case, we resolve the Death Cloud for three and check all State Based Effects. You follow the order of the instructions as presented on the card before you check State Based Effects. Each player loses three life, discards three cards or their entire hand if three or less cards, makes the appropriate sacrifices, and then briefly gets to become the singer for Van Halen, since everyone else in the world (including most members of the Amish community) have already done so. When the dust settles, you wake up to find out that the girl who looked really good last night after a few dozen drinks could have actually been the model for the card Scarwood Hag or perhaps Molimo, Maro Sorcerer, much like in the game where you cast Death Cloud. IN other words, you're dead.

Since there's no way your opponent could have joined you in such deviant behavior, because, of course, he's so perfect and you should look up to your older brother, because he's got a job and he's making something of himself - he stays alive through the Death Cloud and you don't. Feel free to hit him in the face with a 2x4, because, hey, violence solves everything, and at least you'll feel better. Loser.

Nick Efram of Manchester, VT writes: My friend Robin casts Patriarch's Bidding and since he has a lot of Zombies in his graveyard says"Zombies." I've got a Duplicant, a Bottle Gnomes, and an Arcbound Crusher in my graveyard. Can I call"Artifact" and return all of them in my graveyard to play?

Mr. Magic says: Strictly speaking, you can call"artifact" all day long, until the wailing repetition of the word causes those around you to become distressed and call the authorities. Once, after a particularly good and only slightly maggot covered Rocky Road ice cream cone that I think I got at Baskin Robbins or maybe the dumpster behind it, I forgot every word in the English language except"hamster." I don't know if you've ever tried to explain such a condition to a psychiatrist using only the word"hamster," but it makes for some less-than-pleasant conversation and, from experience, I can tell you that you'll probably end up in a room with people who have imagined talking with aliens, their dead grandmother, and Art Carney, in that order.

Creature types, much like gender types, have to have a very specific definition to them. For instance, say you're a"male" looking for a"female" for a night of"drinking and debauchery." Chances are you're looking for a"female that has always been a female," as opposed to"a female that was born with a Y chromosome," although"after a bottle of Jamaican rum" the distinction might be a little less important.

Saying"Artifact" is pretty much along the same lines of saying,"female" in the above paragraph except it's in a completely different sentence (and paragraph). You can only call it as a creature type if you've had a bottle of Jamaican Rum (or Costa Rican, if Jamaican is unavailable) and if you've had drunken sex with every sort of female, including those of the XX and the XY genetic types. This is so you can be prepared for the awkwardness that comes with that Arcbound Crusher coming back into play with a pretty bow tie and a Tupperware collection when, as last you can recall, it went to the graveyard drinking beer and watching football. Oh, and you have to have relations from a Thai love cruise, too, because there's really just no substitute for those.

For another take on this topic, read the Ask the Judge columns, where Sheldon Menery will tell you a thousand times that"artifact" is, in fact, a creature type, no matter how many times people insist otherwise.

Leslie Alderman of Topeka, KS writes: I play a Mana Short on my opponent during his upkeep, and he responds by tapping his Jayemdae Tome and saying he's going to draw a card with four mana in response. Is this legal? Mana Short says his mana pool is cleared out.

Mr. Magic says: Well, Leslie, Mana Short is a very devious card with tricky timing rules behind it, in front of it, and it even keeps a few tucked into its colon for when the stuff hits the fan.

The first thing we have to do is determine the"Last Known Information" about your opponent's mana, to see what, if anything he could do with it before the Mana Short resolves. Naturally, your opponent will be unwilling to give such information out, even if taken before a Congressional Panel who will grill him for days on end, waiting to hear a statement that will provide them proof that yes, indeed, your opponent did funnel extra mana to the Iran-Contras in their attempts to enact a guerrilla war before going on to run for a seat on the U.S. Senate from the great state of Virginia. Naturally, the first thing you'll want to do is to scoop up all your opponent's lands and start counting them, repeatedly, preferably while glaring at your opponent contemptuously, until he submits to a court martial. This is allowed under rule 823.1b of the"Comprehensive Rules and Do-It-Yourself Appendectomy Kit," also known as the"Oliver North Rule."

If your opponent does not back down when you deliberately count his lands, occasionally stopping to gnaw on them like a wild shrew, tell him finally, that yes, he can draw a card (provided you counted at least four ungnawed lands), but he'll have to show it to you to make sure it's not a"Thank you" letter from the Iran-Contras for all that ill-gotten mana he wasn't going to use anyway. In fact, it would probably be prudent to search his deck for such notes as well, not to mention his liquor cabinet (even if not playing at his home). You might want to check out his sister's panty drawer while you are at it, just to make sure you've been"comprehensive" (just like the rules).

Well, those mushrooms I found on the side of the highway that I ate about a half an hour ago are starting to kick in, so it's about to time to end this installment of Ask Mr. Magic! Ohhhh, the colors...

Regards,
Tybuc