Well, another establishment for delinquent and destitute individuals has given me a place to plug my laptop into, so you know what that means, boys and girls! That's right! Twelve or thirteen more megs of sweet, alluring goat porn! So while that's downloading, it's time to take a look at Mr. Magic's Massive Mail Sack and enlighten the masses about rules questions, usage of substances that may or may not make you feel like bugs are crawling on your skin, and how to tell when the police are following you with another scintillating and engrossing Ask Mr. Magic article! This installment of Ask Mr. Magic is brought to you by the St. Francis House of Mercy, the first shelter given the Mr. Magic stamp of approval by not asking too many questions or strip searching you for identification!

With Regionals shortly passed, the buzz about how to play against Ravager Affinity and Goblin Bidding is still in the air like a massive cloud of killer bees from South America that will sting you to death for your non-diet soda and lay eggs in your bloated corpse. So, much like any spam that refers to getting prescriptions of Vicodin from corrupt Mexican physicians, I'll be answering those in this special post-Regionals Rulings version of Ask Mr. Magic. [What, you expected anything that Mr. Magic does to be useful? - Knut] As always, it's my personal guarantee that your Standard play after reading this article will improve to be exactly the same as that of Kai Budde, provided you were both to consume an entire liter of moonshine or get bashed in the head by large rocks just before Round 1!

Onto the questions:

Mark Elias of Tempe, AZ writes: If I have a Darksteel Colossus in hand that I want to put into play, and I play Tooth and Nail with Entwine, can I get two other creatures out of my deck and put one of those and the Colossus into play with the second part of the spell?

Mr. Magic says: Tooth and Nail is considered a"modal" spell because it can function as one of two spells, and if you pay the Entwine cost you get both effects, often for less than double the mana of either effect. This is why you might see people who look like me and slur their speech in approximately the same manner as I do and might even have the same name, but are most assuredly not me buying anti-freeze when they already have a brown bag of liquor firmly tucked under their arm, and that is for the same reason. For just a little bit more cash, you get twice the effect! (Note: Mr. Magic does not endorse that you try this at home, as it may cause you to think your feet are trying to attack you when they are, in all probability, merely planning on attacking the person closest to you, or perhaps Neil Diamond.)

Since Tooth and Nail is a modal spell, neither side of the spell cares what the other one does, sort of like Siamese twins who have been separated and hate each other's guts, or myself and Sandinistan rebels from Nicaragua. The two creatures you search your library for do not have to be the creatures you put into play So if you find yourself full of anti-freeze, just squint at your opponent and lay down the two that are moving the most in front of your eyes, as they'll be the biggest or at the very least, the most revolting.

Roger Williams of Salt Lake City, UT writes: I played a Wrath of God on my opponent, who had a Goblin Warchief, a Goblin Sledder, and a Goblin Sharpshooter out on me. He said it was okay, and then said he could untap the Sharpshooter when the Warchief and the Sledder went to the graveyard since he determined what order they went there, so could hit me for two more damage by tapping the Sharpshooter. He asked me what I thought and I wasn't sure so I'm writing this.

Mr. Magic says: Your opponent made a grievous error in his assessment of the situation, and that is asking what you think. The last time an opponent asked me what I thought of a play, I laid down a stream of fast talk and legal innuendo on him in such a thick and unswerving manner that I think I actually obtained ownership of his sister briefly until he could provide me a suitcase made from Belgian Leather. Of course, it was then I realized that I had actually been at the park all day and was speaking to a White Pekin duck that had just begun to peck at my shoelaces. I think I was speaking in its language as well. You know the day has some surreal experiences in store for you when you wake up lapping on a rainbow colored fluid that tastes like grass. But I digress.

Much like the DMV or certain"adult" entertainment films that I've seen on some neighborhood TV screens, Wrath of God follows the,"First In, Last Out," or the"Last In, First Out rule," depending on whether or not you'd rather be in or out and if you've had all your shots. First, the Wrath is put on the stack. If your opponent passes priority, the Wrath of God resolves and Sharpshooter goes to the graveyard with all the other Goblins at the same time. The untap effects trigger and go on the stack, but since the Sharpshooter is no longer around to be untapped, it shrugs a little in its grave and is forever still, like Elvis or the real Dick Cheney.

If your opponent was smarter, he might have sacrificed the Goblins using the Sledder's ability before the Wrath resolved, thus coaxing a couple more untaps from the Sharpshooter. But hey, when your only opponents do nothing all day but quack and swim and occasionally get fed by elderly people you have to chase away, you can't be choosy.

Daniel Arleny of Kingsland, TX writes: I'm at four life and my opponent has a Welding Jar, several artifacts, and a Disciple of the Vault out. I have an Akroma's Vengeance and a Gilded Light in hand and I have the mana to cast both of them. Is there any way I can stack the Vengeance and the Gilded Light so that when I cast Vengeance, I can cast the Gilded Light before the Disciple's ability will target me so I don't lose?

Mr. Magic says: Like my grandfather always said,"You don't drop a sack of potatoes on a molting hen." When my gramps said this, we all paid attention, because it was an important lesson. It was usually the only sign we'd get before he dropped his beer (or whatever alcohol he was drinking), loaded up the twelve-gauge, and disappeared for a couple of days, so the lesson was invariably,"Don't mess with grandpa when he says something weird, particularly if he's reaching for his shotgun shells." Much in this same manner, don't try to get down to four life against a Ravager Affinity deck, or else you might find yourself shuffling your cards soon.

To answer your question before my motor skills flail wildly out of control due to the turpentine fumes, all you need do is cast the Gilded Light first. As we all know from those documentaries called"horror movies" made in Hollywood (which is right next to Transylvania), bright light keeps out evil creatures such as vampires, gremlins, oak trees, firemen, and Lance Henrikson. Black magi don't like it either, because it calls attention to the fact they broke into their mother's makeup cabinet to get the face paint and black lipstick that they use to dress up like The Crow, so while it's around you they sort of feel awkward and walk away mumbling songs by the Cure to make themselves feel better, and thus can't target you.

Once you're happily unavailable as a legal target for the Disciple's ability, you can cast the Vengeance at will. Note that your opponent can sacrifice the Welding Jar in response to your Gilded Light, and possibly some other artifacts using other nefarious means, and at that time you are fair game for the Disciple's life loss ability. You also remain a legal target for loitering and drunk in public charges, however.

Peter Walman of Clarksville, Tennessee writes: I'm playing an Astral Slide deck and my opponent is playing Goblin Bidding. I have down two Mountains and two Plains and I cycle Slice and Dice. My opponent has a Goblin Sledder and two Goblin Warchiefs out. I say I want to target the Warchief that my opponent won't save with the Sledder. He says I have to target the Warchief with Lightning Rift before he has to decide which he's going to pump with the Sledder. Who's right?

Mr. Magic says: To figure out this question, we have to know how to stack triggered abilities (A.K.A."her ability to scream for the cops when she realizes you're trying to reach into her purse"). Triggered abilities include the"Draw a card" effect of Slice and Dice, the"You may do one damage to all creatures" effect, the Lightning Rift effect that deals two damage to a target, drive-by shootings performed by either the Crips or the Bloods due to unofficial usage of colors they invented, the"Charlton Heston rule" which allows you to fire repeated handgun rounds into any hand that touches or points in the direction of one of your cards or your sideboard, and you're opponent's concession when they've lost two pints of blood from wrist wounds and have to go to the hospital. Old Charley was a good friend of mine back in his"Goddamn dirty apes days," but then he seemed to forget my phone number. And his name. And pretty much anything he ever knew. He was a helluva partier before then though!

Now where was I? Ah yes, Magical apes!

Fortunately for your opponent, triggered abilities determine their targets at the time they're declared. I mean, when was the last time you saw a street thug that didn't know anyone that needed killin' and was aimin' to pop a cap or two? The Slice and Dice abilities are put on the stack, and then the Lightning Rift ability goes on top of that, and you have to target a creature or player. Your opponent can respond to that with any abilities, including the Sledder ability, before the damage actually happens. So sorry.

Have any questions for Mr. Magic, comments, or locations of abandoned but habitable buildings? E-mail askmrmagic@yahoo.com! It's very possible that I'll still remember how to communicate in English, so you might see your letter in the next column. You may also see a skulking figure hiding out in the dark corners around your house, too, but I... er he's probably harmless and you should probably leave him dollar bills and maybe a box of wine you're not using! He'll appreciate it and reciprocate by not breaking your windows and stalking your daughters!

Regards,
Tybuc