With the Onslaught Block meeting its Standard maker, so to speak, I thought I'd give some press time for some of the lesser known cards.

Now before I begin commencin' with the putdowns, I'd like to make things clear about what"Unloved" means. At least as far as this article is concerned.

"Unloved" - A spell that may or may not have its uses, but is generally not thought of as"da' Bling-Bling" or"I'll pay fifty dollars for that card!" and the like.

So before you get your dander up, remember that the term is"Unloved", not"Useless" or"Total Crap". If you're fond of a particular card on this list, then by all means write a love letter to StarCityGames.com describing just how beautiful it is.

Also, no coin flip cards will be ripped into tonight. They get enough bad press as it is.

Maestro! Strike up the band, please!

Accursed Centaur
Hey! A 2/2 for one mana!

This guy must be totally cool! What's the drawback?

Oh.

Uh...

Well, I'm hungry. What's for dinner?

Aurification
It sounds like the title of Britney Spears' next album.

I had to read this card about four times to figure out just what in the heck it does. Basically, any critter that hits you gets a shiny gold counter and is now a wall. I guess you'll have to pretend that those pennies you are using for counters are gold colored.

Taking damage so I can turn an opponent's creature into a wall is not exactly my idea of fun. Especially when said opponent will merely Naturalize the Aurification at the end of my turn, then attack for the win.

Now if Aurification was dressed in one of Britney's outfits...hmm.

Break Open
When you absolutely, positively have to flip over your opponent's Exalted Angel right now!

Celestial Gatekeeper
"If you kill me, they will come."

Excuse me, who are you and what are they?

"I am the overpriced Celestial Gatekeeper. If you kill me, I will return up to two Birds and/or Clerics from the great beyond."

Why only two?

"A wise question..."

"Hmm, are you going to say anything else?"

"What more needs to be said?"

"You're a White rare, aren't you?"

Grand Melee
I would like to draw your attention to the fabulous artwork. Notice the goon on the left carries a sword so huge that there is no way he could swing it around in time to kill the goon on the right. Therefore, I would bet my entire savings (all $1.37) on the escapee from"Apocalypse Now" carrying the pepper shaker to win this encounter.

Oh yea, I wonder if it's any good?

Mythic Proportions
Sure, you've dreamed about it:

Scene: The Magic World Championship final match between you and Kai Budde. Game five, Kai has control of the board and will kill you on the next turn. You haven't inflicted one point of damage on the"German Juggernaut", but you do have a lone Krosan Cloudscraper in play.

Kai,"Do you vant to concede now? Or vait until you get home?"

You,"I think I'll tap seven and play Mythic Proportions on my Cloudscraper. I'll attack for 21!"

Kai,"I...I...I am defeated!"

You,"A scrubby n00b says vhat."

Kai,"Vhat?"

Peer Pressure
True story; When flipping through a trade-book one day, I saw at least forty of these suckers filling up over three pages. I asked the kid who owned them why he had so many. His answer?

"I like the art and they're easy to get."

Truer words were never spoken.

Primal Whisperer
ANYTOWN, USA (AP) - Police have officially stopped the search for Primal Whisperer. He was last seen over a year ago in an un-sleeved, eighty-three card Magic deck played by 11-year-old Horton"Fireball" Railsbeck.

"I forgot he was in there." recalled the rambunctious Railsbeck,"But when I shuffled up for the first game, he fell out onto the floor. I just put my foot over him until the game was over, then I just pushed him under the rug next to the table. As far as I know, he's still there."

No sign of the Whisperer has been seen since. No search of the game store where Railsbeck's story took place has been made since the cost of lifting up the rug to look would be more than he was worth.

Trap Digger
Frankly, I don't know much about this dude. But I did see his profile in the personals section. I copied it down for you;

"Trap" Digger
30-ish SWM
Job: Hit man

Profile:
When he's not filling up trade books around the country, this carpet magnet spends his days on the beach digging up old bottle caps and shards of broken glass. He'd like to kiss you on the first date, if he only had a mouth to do it with.

Turn Ons: Sunsets, walks on the beach, planting stuff, and being recognized.

Turn Offs: Hearing the phrase,"A Trap Digger? That card is total (bleep)!" repeated over and over again.

Wheel and Deal
You know sumthin'? This ain't such a bad spell. In fact, I'm a little surprised that it's on this list. Why oh why hasn't some geeky Blue mage (you know who you are) built a deck around this annoying little instant?

Picture this:

You've spent a week flippin' burgers to pay for four Arcbound Ravagers. And here you sit covered in grease because you didn't change from work at a FNM tourney. Across the table a nine-year-old with some crappy un-sleeved Blue deck is picking his nose and impatiently waiting for you to play. With confidence brimming, you start your turn by quietly drawing a Ravager into your hand.

The kid wipes his hand on his shirt and taps four mana;

"Wheel and Deal"

If it were me sitting across from this kid, my reaction would probably go something like this;

"You little (bleep)! Who the (bleep) plays a wussy (bleepin') card like this?! I oughta call your Mom and say that her (bleepin') son is nothin' but a low down, dirty little.....Hey! Why am I being thrown outta here? You can't do this to me! I wasn't the one playing a (bleep) card like Wheel and Deal! I have rights you know!"

"Aw, (bleep)!"