Ah, Yes! The tournament I had been waiting for since FNM States Champs, and the day had finally arrived! I was looking forward to Whuppin' some Ass, eating all day to activate my Fat Ass, and yelling "GOTCHA!" at the top of lungs. Here is the deck I played:
Don't Panic: It's 42 cards!
1 Vile Bile
1 Cardpecker (heehee, pecker)
1 Laughing Hyena (might have been regrown a few times)
1 B-I-N-G-O
2 Mother of Goons
1 Man of Measure (I'm 6'1", so mostly a 3/2)
1 Keeper of the Sacred Word
1 Champions of Kamigawa card (actually, it's Our Market Research Show That Players Like Really Long Card Names So We Made this Card to Have the Longest Card Name Ever Elemental...see my Champs Report for more on my opinion about this)
2 Monkey Monkey Monkey
1 Bosom Buddy (heehee, Bosom)
1 Fat Ass (Yaus! Heehee, Ass)
1 Gluetius Maximus (Heehee...um...Ass!)
1 Elvish House Party (before 1PM)
1 Duh
1 Wordmail (combo with Elemental!)
2 Land Aid '04
1 Circle of Protection: Art
2 Awol
1 Ass Whuppin'
1 City-Bottling Kit
1 Letter Bomb
1 Granny's Payback (After 1PM)
17 lands
Some initial thoughts: As I opened my packs, my first two rares were World-Bottling Kit and Letter Bomb... two bombs in an environment such as Unhinged! I mean, the Kit is seriously Nevinyrral's Disk in this format! I also opened two Booster Tutors, but realized I didn't want to dig into my draft sets all day. I also opened a foil land... a Plains. Frown. Anyone want to trade for a different foil land? Please?
With deck in hand and my mind working on some tunes to sing for Land Aid, off I went!
Round 1: A very nice kid whose name I didn't write down.
Game 1: My opponent is great this round, and is very excited about playing with Magical Cards this day. He starts game one by beating me down to 8 or so with a Mother of Goons and a Working Stiff, but I get out a World-Bottling Kit and am able to four-for-one him or so with it to get back in the game! He proceeds to draw more Blue cards with no Islands in play, and I draw some creatures and take it down.
Game 2: My opponent is a little mana light, and I am able to take the game with some help from an 11/11 Elvish House Party on turn 5.
1-0, 2-0
Songs sung: Hands Across America, I've Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts
Words Chosen: Okay (It didn't work as well as I thought, so I needed something better for later rounds)
Round 2: Brian Keller, who wants a Champs rematch from our T4 match this year
Game 1: I take game one on the back of some fatties with the timely assistance of my Round 1 opponents, who whupped Brian's Cardpecker's ass from the next table over.
Game 2: I am seriously land light, and the fact that Phimus Pan Whupped my Keeper of the Sacred Word's Ass didn't help! Payback is a Mel Gibson movie, however, and I lay an Ass Whuppin' on Phimus' Toy Boat before I roll over and play dead, so his opponent can deal him about 12 damage!
Game 3: I start a little mana light again, and Brian is able to get some early beats in and knock me to about 8 life before I can stabilize. At this point we are in a ground stall, and Brian then plays Cheap Ass and another creature, taking 1/2 mana burn to try and outrace me. Life totals are 19.5 to about 8.
You are on the way to destruction...
I draw, and send a nice letter to Brian's deck signed with red Sharpie. Brian plays a few more creatures on his next turn, and it's looking grim for the home team. I take another couple of damage, but am able to gain a little on my turn with the help of Bosom Buddy. I honestly have no real chance of winning the game. Good thing this is Unhinged, however...I comment to my neighbors that I really only have 1 chance, and that is the bomb.
You have no chance to survive, make your time...
*BOOM*
Brian draws my nice letter, SWAK, and frowns. I leap out of my chair, and take a victory lap for being insanely lucky! Thanks, Cheap Ass! Brian, however, is not as happy as I am...but he is a good sport.
2-0, 4-1
Songs Sung: We Are the World (complete with Bob Dylan impersonation)
Words Chosen: Attack (that was a good one, up until Phimus Whupped its Ass)
Round 3: The New York Yankees, Pre-2004, A.K.A. Adam Prosak
Adam described our rivalry accurately in his Champs report, as I can't seem to recall the last time I have recorded some match points vs. him in a tournament that was rated higher than 8k. Good thing Adam is a good friend of mine and a fellow lover of Magical Cards, or else I might hate on him like those people in the forums who don't know him at all. Hmm... I played the same T4 match as Champs, and now I'm playing the same finals match.
*Twilight Zone Music*
Game 1: I'm forced to use an Ass Whuppin' on my own game (much to Adam's chagrin), but I am mana light and Adam runs all over me with Shoe Tree and Gluetius Maximus (Get it? Runs all over with Shoe Tree? Forget it...)
Game 2: Adam and I trade early creatures/beats, and arrive at a ground stall. I set Adam up the bomb on turn 6, and wait for the bang. Adam and I continue to play lots of creatures, I gain about 50 life with the help of Granny's Payback and Bosom Buddy/Elemental, and it becomes a pure waiting game until Adam blows up...
...until that stupid #&$^*@ monkey showed up. That's right, ladies and gentlemen! Who would have ever thought that 1/2 Millstone was good in sealed deck? Tainted Monkey went to work on my deck, and about 16 turns after I sent Adam a love letter, I lose to getting Decked in a casual tournament. To a monkey. With 42 cards in my deck. To the Freaking New York Yankees.
2-1, 4-3
Songs Sung: {Rebel} Informer by Snow, Karma {Kavu} Chameleon by Culture Club
Words Chosen: Attack (it worked beautifully! Shoe Tree ran into a 5/6 Keeper after Adam answered my question. "Kill your B-I-N-G-O" "What is that?" "When Fluffy Bunnies Attack" "Oh, O.K. I'll block with Keeper"), Adam chose Attack and Block (I never got to use the Portal wording, "I'll intercept")
Round 4: Jay Webb, good friend and master of the changing Hairdo.
Jay is also a good friend of mine, and was sporting some fancy red hair today.
Game 1: I win this game on the back of Jay getting mana-screwed (not the card) after mulliganing to 6. Not a very fun game.
Game 2: Jay and I play lots of subgames this game. Jay's deck is full of really fun player interaction cards, as we proceed to play 2 games of Roshambo (we went 1-1) and had an arm-wrestling match where there was a lot on the line... Jay's Vile Bile was under where my hand would land if I lost! Being a man, I had to try my best, even though I think Jay is one of the few people at the tournament that can beat me in such sport. Jay is a stout man, his arms are shorter and thicker, and his wrists are stronger than mine.* The arm-wrestling match was a stalemate for a good two minutes, but I started to weaken, and I felt a twinge in my wrist. Being a musician as well as being married, I decided to concede before receiving further damage (from both Jay and his Vile Bile). I figured I could just remove his 3/3 with one of the AWOL's I have in hand.
That was before Jay blew up my only Plains.
I get run over by Jay's dudes, and am left with a handful of White cards to show for it.
Game 3: After winning the rubber match of Roshambo, I am able to win simply by drawing more creatures than Jay. It was an un-Unhinged-like ending to a very fun match.
3-1, 6-4
Songs Sung: The Humpty Dance
Words chosen: none
Number of times screaming to Red-Hot Hottie counters: 13
The highlight of Round 4 was the match over at the next table. Two-time defending Ohio Arizona State Champion had not one, but two Farewell to Arms played against him. What followed was one of the most amazing displays of gaming willpower I have ever seen. Adam continued to play the next seven or so turns with both hands behind his back, drawing cards with his mouth, flipping lands into play with his feet (that he had dropped on the floor), and having his opponent's friends harass him for handling cards behind his back (trying to say he moved his arms in front).
All the while, Adam continually got "Gotcha'd" by Number Cruncher, and he kept having to pick his two Tainted Monkeys up (it's as hard as it sounds). His opponent even got a Cheatyface into play while Adam was busy drawing his card for the turn! Luckily for Adam, someone played Mitchell Tamblyn*** on one of the Farewell to Arms and order was restored. Adam went on to win that game and match!
Round 5: Dan Voight, master of Mental Magic and Type 1 Aficionado
Dan also has a Letter Bomb in his deck, and we talk about how cool it would be to have both Letters in play. Oh, and did I mention Dan likes Type 1? And Mental Magic? Oh, and he has Richard Garfield, Ph.D. in his deck as well. And Blue cards that cost U, 1U, and 3U and 3UU. See a theme?
Game 1: I get some early beats in with some two and three-drops, and Dan plays his Type 1 enabler on turn 5. Spells that followed: Ancestral Recall, Time Walk, Regrowth, Saproling Burst, Dismiss, Urza's Blueprints. I manage to get a World-Bottling Kit in play, and I stay alive because of some help from my Bosom Buddy and 12.5 Gain Life Elemental. Dan doesn't play too many threats, but he can go lethal on me with a Might of Oaks on the turn I Bottle things up. Dan forgets that the Bottle takes away Might of Oaks, and loses his chance to win the game. I come back and play three straight creatures to Dan's three lands and I take game 1. Whew!
Game 2: I have 2 land. For a while. I lose.
Game 3: A battle for the ages! Dan and I take each other to about 15 life, and then Dan sends me a Letter Bomb. Oh, boy. Dan has already killed one opponent with his bomb, and I really don't want to be the second. We both have our Letter Bombs marked with kills... it was about pride, now. I wanted to be the Bomb in Phantoms, not Dan! Two turns later, I draw Letter Bomb.
With my name on it.
I send Dan a reply (using the sleeve in which his Letter Bomb had lived), and the Race Is On. This is like a dream scenario... last round, game 3, with two bombs in play! Exactly how we envisioned it at the beginning of the match!
Dan and I trade some minor air beats with Cardpeckers and such, and I have a Granny's Payback in hand but only seven lands in play. Dan and I continue to draw cards, but none of mine seem to be that land so I can gain infinite life (Okay, only 30...but it feel like infinite sometimes when I talk to people who say things like, "I was born in 198x" ...how can you be born in the Eighties!? Aaargh!)
The game is starting to get tense, as we both wait for that fateful Dear Anthony/Dan letter. I am doubly anticipating my draws, because one land gets me out of "lose target game" range. To be honest, I can't really remember much about our actual turns, besides all the excitement before each draw. Oh, and Dan didn't play Mental Magic. Until it happened... that fateful event.
I drew...a land.
Woot! After gaining 30 life, I feel a lot better about my chances, hoping I might be able to win the game before Dan starts drawing three cards, taking extra turns, and having a Morphling in play. I can start attacking more aggressively without fear of losing to a huge swing back, as I have to win before Richard hits play.
After drawing a few more lands, Dan draws again and reveals his card:
*BOOOOOOOOOOM*
After taking the ceremonial Victory Lap, Dan was gracious in defeat and we had a great handshake to a game well-played and VERY fun.
4-1, 8-5
Songs Sung: Wind Beneath My Wings, The Greatest Love of All
Words Chosen: The Ol' Standby: Attack
I finished in 4th place, last among the 12-pointers behind Magic luminaries Adam Prosak and Phimus Pan on tiebreakers. It was a very fun day, and many thanks to Wizards for a really fun set with great player interactions. Thanks for reading!
Odds and Ends:
- The gentleman who went undefeated deserves some credit...he built two different decks with his five packs, and won his matches using both of them in alternating games. Wow. That's all I can say.
- We drafted 2v2 after the tournament, and in true casual style we played for the cards by playing Two-Headed Giant. You should try it, it is awesomesauce.
- Holy crap, the lands look amazing. Have I mentioned I have a foil Plains for trade for any other foil Unhinged land?
- Some kid opened up a Super-Secret Tech in his packs. Phimus, being a master of all things shiny, tried to trade it from him for his Dan Gray Deck. The kid wouldn't even entertain offers. His reason? "I just want it." Phimus would have made him a rich person for it. Poor Phimus... maybe Santa Claus will be nice to you this year and being you some tech!
Please direct all love/hate mail to:
Anthony Avitollo
anthonizzle42 AT hotmail DOT com
* He types and is an avid shooter, you sick sick people.
** My wrists are important because I need them to play music, as well as give the wife the backrubs of which she is so fond. John Chabot is a sick man too, no matter HOW good his multiplayer articles were!
*** See Osyp's Article on PT: Columbus for more info on this one. I'll give you a hint: It has something to do with a certain picture...
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