If this article is complete, and posted on StarCityGames.com, then it means that my 40-oz. cup of Coke did their work and kept me awake long enough to write this.
Top three most annoying cards or strategies in Magic? Well, I bet people are going to bring up countermagic, mana denial, control magic, broken cards, and all sorts of things that are either not fun or not fair. That's not the route I'm going. I don't even mind losing to coin-flip cards; they have their uses. But there are actually three big things that come to mind when I think of "annoying." Here we go.
3) Mind's Desire or Brain Freeze
I feel like every combo deck I've seen is a one-trick horse. With control or beatdown, you may have to change your strategy to pull off a win. Not so with combo. I understand it has its uses. I strongly subscribe to the paper-rock-scissors theory of "control beats combo beats beatdown beats control." So sure, combo's around, and it's a necessary evil.
But some combos are more evil than others.
Take, for example, Aluren. If you've got Aluren, Intruder Alarm, Tim, and Shrieking Drake, then that's it. You win. If you've got Priest of Titania, some elves, and Staff of Domination, that's great. Go ahead, gain infinite life, draw your deck, and win.
Storm's not like this. Storm takes forever. You've got to keep casting spells that don't really do anything, and then you cast a Mind's Desire, and do it some more, etc., etc. until finally you win.
That's bad enough, but an especially annoying thing about storm is the backtracking guy who has to find out how many spells have been played this turn - or the guy who asks you, "Did I count my Brainstorm or not?" These make it take even longer.
I can handle Tendrils of Agony, though. Counting to ten doesn't take that long. Look, I can do it on my fingers. Barring some sort of firecracker or animal incident, you probably can too.
Storm's not the only it-takes-forever combo. ProsTide may have been cute the first time I saw it, but now it's more like that girl with the freckles who grew up and turned into a total bitch. (Can I say "bitch" on StarCityGames.com? If not, I'm sure the Ferrett will take care of it. Perhaps we will replace "bitch" with "person inclined to play"...)
(You can swear as much as you want, as long as the editors deem it sufficiently funny - T.F.)
2) Name Dropping, and the entire "Gotcha" mechanic.
I love casual formats. When I put my casual decks together, I throw in stuff like Menacing Ogre, Words of Wisdom, and Questing Phelddagrif to get everyone involved. I'll build my deck so that when I make the most strategic decisions, funny things can happen - like getting Phage the Untouchable with Oath of Druids, or imprinting Pixie Queen onto a Soul Foundry.
As such, I think casual formats can gain a lot from Unhinged; Booster Tutor adds a whole new level to the game, "art rampage" is funny, and the rares can do some pretty cool stuff. But I hate "gotcha."
It's not that I talk too much. It's that I play too well. If Name Dropping comes into play, I don't say a single word until it's off the table. If Laughing Hyena is in a graveyard, I start thinking about whatever it is that makes me angry (like Mind's Desire) until that Hyena is removed or the player is out of the game.
Do you see the problem here? All of a sudden, I'm not having any fun. Casual formats are about making jokes about what's being played, poking fun at your opponent for his deck, or expressing your disbelief at seeing someone die to Game of Chaos when they were at fifty-four life.
With "gotcha," you can't do this. Players expressed their anger over all the die rolling in Unglued. I didn't mind that at all. I am expressing my anger over the fact that I shouldn't be talking, laughing, or sometimes even moving. Magic players can be pretty funny. We shouldn't force them to so blatantly choose between "winning" and "having fun."
Now Name Dropping is really bad... But every once in a while, I'll admit, it can be kind of cool. If my opponent has a Stand Firm in his graveyard, and it triggers because I'm reading the flavor text of his Sir Shandlar of Eberyn out loud, then I'll shake his hand and maybe even buy him a drink. For this improbable reason, it stays at number two. Nothing can hold a torch to the most obnoxious Magic card of all time...
1) Phyrexian Portal
I know there's a bit of text to get through on that card, so I'll try to sum it up for you: You can pay three mana, and your opponent gets to look at the top ten cards of your library. Then the opponent gets to divvy the pile up, kind of like Fact or Fiction piles, except face down. Then the Portal user picks one face down pile to remove from the game and the other to look at, choose a card form, and put it into his hand.
Yeah, that's my summary, and it takes a while to read. You, the reader with no Phyrexian Portal experience, might not think this card is too bad. Thinking about how much you like making Fact or Fiction piles, you might even think it's kind of cool. But you would be wrong. Here are the problems:
First, it doesn't tap. So you're doing this as many times as your opponent has mana. Since it takes so long for one activation, it's often the only thing you can remember about the game when it's over. You think to yourself, "What if I had put the Mulch in the pile with the Song of Blood?" or whatever. Your memory of the game is no longer a memory of playing Magic. It is completely ruined by the effort you wasted on this card.
Second, let's think about it: Who plays Phyrexian Portal? We all know it's an annoying card (or at least we do now). So only players who don't mind playing annoying cards are going to put it in their decks. Guess what these sorts of people are like...
That's right! They're annoying people!
This is another reason why I'm always so distressed to see Phyrexian Portal come down. It means I'm probably not going to enjoy my opponent. As a person.
Third, annoying Magic players have one more trait that we must recognize: They really want to win. Like, big time. This is because they are annoying and have often failed at every other thing in the game of life. We would pity them if it weren't for the following: After you've spent however long divvying up the piles, your obnoxious opponent is going to be damned sure they put the right card into their hand. So even if you do your best to hurry up by shuffling the top ten cards without even looking at them, your opponent is going to take his time (and yours) by cautiously picking the correct card. This is made worse by the fact that you know they're going to activate the Portal again, so you'll have to wait for them... again.
So there you have it. What I hate about Magic. If I ever see you at a tournament playing Mind's Desire... I might forgive you if it's your first time. But if you ever play a Phyrexian Portal against me, you can bet you won't be getting that Laughing Hyena back... I'll be thinking about how much I want to punch you.
Wow, I've gotten pretty angry writing this article. I'd better get out of here. Enjoy yourselves.
| 
