Good evening everyone, and welcome to the Shahrazads - our biannual award show for Magic cards the bug the bejeezus out of innocent players everywhere.
My name is Dante Asearis, and I'll be your host. Tonight, we're going to meet the three most irritating cards from the past year and stories about just how annoying they can be. But enough of the formalities - let's get on with the show!
Let's welcome our guest presenters, here to present the award to the third most annoying card in Magic history. They're a duo like no other: Shahrazad and his amazing Unhinged (or maybe just slightly deranged) counterpart Enter the Dungeon.
Shahrazad:
Our first award of the night goes to a card newcomer who's been annoying the hell out of innocent school children everywhere... but never in a tournament environment.
Enter the Dungeon:
I believe you're forgetting the prerelease events, Shahry... But let's not argue. It is my great pleasure tonight to welcome a man that I once had the pleasure of working with. Put your hands together for Cheatyface!
Cheatyface holds the record for number of times instigating a fistfight in a comic book store. If you don't want to get burned by this little guy, you literally have to ask your opponent to move his land, lift his hands, and carefully inspect every surface of the store every single time the game state changes. I swear, the next time someone says, "Ha! I snuck three Cheatyfaces into play underneath my land drop for the first turn!" the entire Magic community may just form a mob and roast Mark Rosewater in effigy.
But of course it was a great concept. Superb job!
Shahrazad:
Wow, that sure was fun. I think that in order to fully appreciate this next card, you have to hear a story.
Enter:
I agree. Without knowing this card's background, you'll never understand just why this card is annoying. Would you like to come down and tell everyone just what earned you this title?
[Random Slip of Cardboard in the Audience Nods]
Enter the Dungeon:
Well, then come on down, Electrostatic Bolt! You're the number two most annoying card in Magic history.
It all started one fine Saturday afternoon. The state of the game was about even; Chaz was at twelve with absolutely no creatures, but six mountains, Paul at two life with a Darksteel Colossus and a Kiki-Jiki in play. Paul passed the turn to Chaz.
They all knew something was awry when Chaz drew, flashed a gap-toothed smile, and tapped a mountain. "I'll Electrostatic Bolt you for two and win."
Paul looked befuddled. He raised his hand and called a judge - but Chaz had already picked up his cards and begun to shuffle for the next game. "Judge!"
The judge scurried over, hurriedly, and inquired as to what was wrong.
"He just Electrostatic Bolted me for two and said he won."
"Well, were you at two life?"
"Yes."
"Then what's the problem?"
Paul sputtered angrily for a few moments. Finally he shouted, "I am not a creature!" It was then that he received a game loss for severe unsportsmanlike conduct.
We've probably all been there. Someone has misread a card (or failed to read a card) and made a bonehead play. Or perhaps you're the other guy who draws a burn spell, jumps for joy, and aims it at his opponent's head only to learn that he made an illegal play. I'm not saying that the card is poorly made, or worded; I'm just saying that I would rather have it be a strictly superior version of Shock than to have to call the judge every time someone points an E-bolt at me. Read the friendly card, for goodness' sake!
Shahrazad:
Wow. That was entertaining, wasn't it, folks?
Enter the Dungeon:
Sure was - but let's keep things rolling. Here to present the award for most annoying card of all time, the winner of the lifetime achievement award for keeping unruly spells at bay since Alpha - the great Counterspell!
Counterspell:
Thanks, guys - it's great to be here. The nominees for most annoying card of all time are...
- Vedalken Orrery for his outstanding work in ripping the stack, and our mind, to shreds.
- Sway of the Stars for flaunting the most powerful effect in the history of the game while simultaneous being completely unplayable at a hefty price tag of ten mana.
- And finally, our very own Shahrazad, for the unbelievably unplayable combo with Panoptic Mirror, other imprints and the wishes to create enough subgames to confuse your opponent into surrendering.
And the award goes to....Vedalken Orrery, for that one time when my opponent managed to play a Storm Seeker, then stacked Sway of the Stars on top of it. Or perhaps that time when Orrery got comboed with Rule of Law, allowing my opponent to play twice as many spells as me. Or perhaps the time the Orrery allowed Chain of Acid to be played on me during my turn while I was under my opponent's Mindslaver. Or was it Trade Secrets? Or perhaps because I've been wholly unable to find a competitive deck that can actually utilize you effectively, or at all.
Well, that's all the time we have, a special thanks go out to Mana Clash, Story Circle, and the entire Homarid race. Stay tuned for real Magic content at nine.
Dante Asearis
This broadcast has been funded by all of your continuous cumulative upkeeps.
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