Timmy: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the Tenth Annual Tolarian Academy Awards! I'm Timmy, Power Gamer extraordinaire and your co-host for this evening's festivities. Our host should be dropping in soon.... and boy, have we got a show for you!

Tonight, in the Coliseum, we'll meet the nominees for Top 5 Creature Performances. The stars of Magic will be judged in five unique categories. We'll have the nominees for Supporting Elf, Removal (Targeted), and Removal (Global). We'll break for a word from our sponsors, and return to the astounding pyrotechnics of The Asterisks. The night will continue with the nominees for Tech and Engine, and conclude with the announcement of the winners for each category. Be sure to mingle at the after-party, where you'll have a chance to see your favorite stars in action!

Speaking of stars, heeere's your host, the one who butters your toast — Kokusho, the Evening Star!

<< Loud noises rage from the assembled audience, which is comprised of every Magic creature ever printed >>

Timmy: Welcome to the show, K. Tell us, how have you handled your sudden fall into popularity with the casual player?

Kokusho: I'll tell you, Timmy, I feel overworked. I'm looking forward to having tonight off.

Timmy: Well, don't relax too much. We have a show to do! And here comes the lovely Irini Sengir with the nominees for Supporting Elf.

Kokusho: And the dinner menu is...

Timmy: Kokusho!

Kokusho: <> Right, right... Sorry 'bout that. And the nominees are:

• Priest of Titania, for Voluminous Mana;
  Eladamri, Lord of Leaves, for Untargetability;
• Timberwatch Elf, for Power and Toughness Boosts;
• Wirewood Channeler, for Color Fixing;
• Seeker of Skybreak, for Duplicating Abilities;
• and Rofellos, Llanowar Emissary, for Tree-hugging.

Timmy: I'm nothing but an elf poser compared to that list!

Kokusho: And not nearly as appetizing! These morsels appear in many delicacies, from Tribal Wars decks to Elfball. It seems green mages are always mana-hungry, and they know the meals that seal the deal!

Timmy: Who do you think will win this one, K?

Kokusho: Well, I like the pompous aftertaste of legends, but I love the smoked hickory flavor of Timberwatch Elves.

Timmy: ...right. I was rooting for Wirewood Guardian, but it seems the judges overlooked him this time around.

Kokusho: Beautiful Irini? The next envelope please!

Timmy: Thank you, my dear. And the nominees for Removal (Targeted) are:

• Royal Assassin, for Peacekeeping and Old Rules;
• Visara the Dreadful, for Being Airborne and Indiscriminant;
• Bloodthirsty Ogre, for Dealing With Indestructibles;
• Intrepid Hero, for Handling Obvious Threats;
• Avatar of Woe, for Being Fearfully Cheap and Indiscriminant;
• and Bounty Hunter, for Clone Wars.

Kokusho: No idea how a white card got in there. I suspect Bloodthirsty Ogre will run away with this one.

Timmy: Just because he is devoted to you doesn't mean he'll win. I like Avatar of Woe's chances here.

Kokusho: You may be right, but the classic Royal Assassin can't be ruled out. He paved the way for all other assassins after him, don't forget.

Timmy: Indeed. Hey, I see the bloodsucking dwarf has paved the aisles with squirrel carcasses. What's this? She's bringing one up here!

Kokusho: Ah, yes. The entrails have the nominees for Removal (Global)! They read:

• Desolation Giant, for Surviving When Kicked;
• Crater Hellion, for Being Painted By Ron Spencer;
• Bloodfire Colossus, for Blowing Up For You;
• Bane of the Living, for Versatility;
• Reiver Demon, for Representing Brom;
• Tornado Elemental, for The Wizard of Oz.

Timmy: I have to stick with my colors here and root for Tornado Elemental.

Kokusho: I think it's obvious who's coming out on top here. It's going to be Reiver Demon with a windmill slam onto the table!

Timmy: Interesting contest between those two! I'd love to play it out, but it looks like we have to concede to our sponsors. Stay tuned for the special dance performance of The Asterisks, right after this!

Announcer: Tolarian Academy Awards has been brought to you by The Ferrett, offering $20 for the best Top Five Multiplayer Creatures article since Friday! Offer expires soon, hurry in! No coupon necessary. Kokushos need not apply.

Timmy: Welcome back to the 1st Annual Tolarian Academy Awards! Our special musical guests tonight are more than just footnotes. I'm here with Kokusho, and we're proud to present to you... The Many, The Amorphous, The ASTERISKS!

<< Silence >>

Kokusho: << Clears throat >>

Timmy: The ******* ASTERISKS!

<< Silence. Arcanis the Omnipotent walks on stage and whispers something to Timmy >>

Timmy: Ah well, folks! Word is that an arbitrarily large Beast of Burden and the rest of the ASTERISKS are currently destroying downtown Seattle. I knew we could accomplish great things if we all banded together. Give yourselves a big round of applause!

<< The sound of one hand clapping >>

Kokusho: Moving along, here are the nominees for Tech:

• Duplicant, for Being Borg;
• Gilded Drake, for Coveting Thy Neighbor’s Wife;
• Clone, for Legend-Murdering and Parity;
• Chromeshell Crab, for Charitable Donations and Profitable Returns;
• Riptide Mangler, for Being the Highest Power;
• Walking Sponge, for Debbie Does Dallas.

Timmy: Go, Riptide Mangler — the beast that costs the least!

Kokusho: Hmmm. I like sponge cake.

<< Whirring engines >>

Timmy: Look out! It's a dragon engine!

Kokusho: Not so fast, Timmy. It's Johnny, Combo Player riding it!

Timmy: Ha, ha, ha. What are you doing here, Johnny? Oh! I see you brought the nominees for Engine:

• Heartless Hidetsugu, for Life Advantage Engine;
• Verduran Enchantress, for Card Drawing Engine;
• Sliver Queen, for Creature Producing Engine;
• Coretapper, for Charge Counter-Producing Engine;
• Draco, for Fulfilling High Casting Cost Requirements;
• And Ornithopter, for Killing On Turn 3 For Nothing.

Timmy: Don’t forget to put Aether Vial into your Ornithopter decks, folks! Nothing beats free except instant free!

Kokusho: I’d really like to see Heartless Hidetsugu take this award home.

Timmy: I have no problems playing Sliver Queen, and she finishes above Draco in my book for not having an upkeep.

Kokusho: There we have it: the nominees for the Top 5 Creature Performances.

Timmy: And quite a list it is! Each of the nominees are special in their own way.

Kokusho: I don’t envy the judges making these rulings.

Timmy: It’s a good thing this show is pre-recorded so we don’t have to wait for an interpretation.

Kokusho: The envelope, please! Thank you, Irini. Tim, would you like to do the honors?

Timmy: Sure thing, K!

Kokusho: Mwa ha ha! Wrong answer, fool! It’s time! It’s dinnah time!

Timmy: What? No! We’re doing a show here, K.

Kokusho: Oh no you don’t — no backing out. That was a Dragon Question, and as a dragon I am a mythological beast, and all mythological beasts are allowed to eat people who get the questions said mythological beasts ask wrong, or piss us off in general.

Timmy: Okay, okay — you read the winners!

Kokusho: Oh, I’m gonna.

<< MUNCH >>

Kokusho: Mmm mmm mmm. Finger-lickin' good. Now then, where were we? Ah yes, the winners:

The winner for Best Supporting Elf... Seeker of Skybreak!

Seeker of Skybreak: Thank you, thank you. (bows)

(untaps) Thank you, thank you. (bows)

(untaps) Thank you, thank you. (bows)

<< MUNCH >>

Kokusho: He's like a broken record when he untaps himself like that. He deserved his reward, though — for while there are many creatures that have great abilities requiring the tap symbol, Seeker of Skybreak is all of them and an elf. Where Eternal Witness lets you reuse a card in your graveyard once, Seeker of Skybreak lets you use any creature's tap effect an extra time every turn. In any deck where you have creatures that do things, he's the man for the team; finishing over the top of other great elves is no small feat, and his versatility vaults him above the rest.

Next we have the winner for Best Removal (Targeted). And the winner is... Avatar of Woe!

Avatar of Woe: Thanks, Kokusho. This award really means a lot to me, given the recent attention to Visara the Dreadful. Not only do I cost one less black mana, have a nearly equivalent evasion ability, one additional power, and the ability to cause havoc in multiples, but I easily cost a net of four less mana. My thanks to all the wonderful designers who helped put me together, and special thanks to rk post. You'll always have a special place in my heart.

Kokusho: Thank you, Ava. And now we have the winner for Removal (Global). Coming out on top... Bane of the Living!

Bane of the Living: After working so hard in secret, it's nice to hold the recognition of my success in my feelers. Being the only insect that can kill anything given enough mana is an honor I'm proud of. I offer the convenience of letting you keep your fatty on the board while nullifying regeneration and indestructibility. Arbitrary largeness is a weakness — but as a general creature sweeper, I'm not worried about it. My focus is all the little pests that run around, like 3/3 centaurs and 1/1 Myrs, and I do my job better than anyone else does. This one's for you, Mom!

Kokusho: Thanks, Bane. We've had some surprise winners tonight, and I can't wait to see who won this next category. The winner for Best Tech is... oh my god. What? Is this for real? Okay, okay, I'll read the card.

And the winner for Best Tech is...Walking Sponge!

Walking Sponge: Hardly a surprise to me, K. I'm the best Multiplayer tech in the game, and I'm blue, despite being an excellent creature. Nobody shuts down your opponents plan to kill you with a ginormous trampler like I do - as a matter of fact, only one other card in Magic can make a creature lose trampling. As Phyrexian Splicer is not a creature, it was a foregone conclusion to name me as Best Tech. If you are short a flyer or your opponent is passing around a No-Dachi, or you need one more turn to kill the controller of a Darksteel Colossus, I'm the sponge for the job.

Kokusho: All that in such a little package! Now, ladies and gentlemen, the winner for Best Engine... Sliver Queen!

Sliver Queen: Oh, thank you so much! I love you all as if you were my children. You can put me in a deck that generates infinite mana and BANG! Infinite creatures. I am also served well with a side of Heartstone and Tangleroot, plus the more traditional fare of Earthcraft. Even without additional combo pieces, I am a hefty 7/7 for five with no drawbacks other than my five-colored mana cost. Play me with any of my children for an ambrosia of enhancements.

Kokusho: Very nice, Queenie! Well, that's the end of our show. Stay tuned for the after party, where our stars come out to play! Thank you, and good evening!

After Party
Casual Multiplayer Deck

2 Bane of the Living
2 Avatar of Woe
3 Quirion Elves
2 Seeker of Skybreak
2 Viridian Zealot
1 Glissa Sunseeker
2 Eternal Witness
2 Copperhoof Vorrac
3 Walking Sponge
2 Riptide Mangler
2 Archivist
2 Keiga, The Tide Star
2 Duplicant
2 Solemn Simulacrum
1 Sentinel
30 Creatures

2 Last Word
2 Eradicate
4 Spells

3 Dromar’s Cavern
3 Crosis’s Catacombs
4 Tranquil Thicket
3 Swamp
3 Island
8 Forest
24 Land

The After Party deck is not the best multiplayer deck, but decks like this one lend a nice variety to your games. One game it can be a great aggro deck, starting off with Riptide Mangler, Bane of the Living (as a morph), and Copperhoof Vorrac; the next game it could hide behind a Sentinel and some Solemn Simulacrums, along with Walking Sponges to hold off any air or trampling assaults. Another, it might set up Seeker of Skybreak and Avatar of Woe for some board control. I like decks with a little bit of everything, and this deck has the ability to deal with any threat, just not consistently. It will consistently deal with many threats, though, and is a fun choice if you don’t like playing the same game twice.

While Avatar of Woe doesn’t synch up with removing creatures from the game and recurring your own from the graveyard, you’ll be trying to off your Simulacrums. Riptide Manglers and Copperhoof Vorracs can guarantee trading with at least one opposing creature, and Bane of the Living will help rush the Lhurgoyf count to ten.

Speaking of synergy, I have found the lairs (Crosis’s Catacombs, Treva’s Ruins, Dromar’s Cavern, Rith’s Grove, and Darigaaz’s Caldera) work well with the cycling lands. Murphy’s Law states that you will always draw the lands that come into play tapped early. When you play a lair, you can tap the cycling land for a mana, return it, and cycle it with its own mana. This negates the drawbacks of each land, and an extra relevant card or two later in the game is always welcome.

Thanks for reading, and feel free to leave comments in my inbox or on the message boards.

Stephen Davis
nijaydaeva .at. hotmail
Nijay in the forums
eating peanuts in the dark