There were two hundred and twelve participants registered for Philadelphia's August 23^rd Onslaught Block PTQ. In the end, the Top 8 consisted of three White/Blue control decks, Astral Slide, Mono-White Control, two Goblin decks, and a Red/White deck that may or may not have been running Form of the Dragon.

There was neither a Forest nor a Swamp to be seen. Far away, on a distant front porch, Wild Mongrel and Nantuko Shade were sitting in their rockers, sipping lemonade, and reminiscing of a more glorious yesteryear.

I ended up taking Zombie Bidding to a 5-3 finish. Not a bad record considering my minimal playtesting and nonexistent sideboard strategy. A friend of mine, Nathan Huffnagle, a.k.a. Gary Krakower, Jr., piloted Zombie Bidding into the Top 4 of Baltimore's PTQ the week before. He liked Undead Warchief and Vengeful Dead in the main, acknowledging a"lose more" reality in the goblin matchup.

Nathan Krakower was very disappointed when I arrived in Philadelphia with four Smothers in the main."You have no answers to Rorix, Dawn Elemental, and an unmorphed Exalted Angel. Cruel Revival is so much better."

I favor Smother because it is a low-cost answer to the morphed version of Exalted Angel, as well as Goblin Warchief, Goblin Piledriver, Withered Wretch, and Silver Knight. Either form of removal has its merits. I ended up making the uninspired compromise of two copies each. My entire decklist is as follows:

Main Deck:
2 Carrion Feeder
4 Withered Wretch
4 Rotlung Reanimator
3 Gempalm Polluter
4 Twisted Abomination
4 Putrid Raptor
4 Noxious Ghoul
2 Cruel Revival
2 Smother
4 Patriarch's Bidding
4 Read the Runes
4 Island
4 Polluted Delta
2 Unholy Grotto
13 Swamp

Sideboard:
3 Stabilizer
3 Call to the Grave
3 Head Games
3 Vengeful Dead

3"Secret Tech!"

The tournament began about forty-five minutes after its 10:00 a.m. scheduled start time. There would be eight rounds.

Round 1 - Nick Batdorf, playing B/R Form
Nick is one of the dozen or so participants from the Harrisburg area. He's also one of the better players, having dominated local tournaments like anchovies on a pizza. I haven't seen much of Nick lately, as there really isn't a good Magic store in the Harrisburg area - and thus, only a smattering of local events.

I do recall in our last match-up, one of us cast Cabal Therapy and named Basking Rootwalla. Oops.

In game 1, I play a turn 2 Withered Wretch. Over the course of the game, Nick gets three Lightning Rifts into play, but can't seem to find a cycler. Two Putrid Raptors join the Wretch as I beat down for the win.

In game two, Nick leads with a second-turn Cabal Interrogator. He then proceeded to strip my hand of two lands and a creature on turns 3, 4, and 5. Turn 6 he cast Rorix.

Nick started game three with another turn 2 Interrogator, and activated it twice before moving on to more interesting things to do with his mana: casting Rorix and Form of the Dragon.

Round 2 - Kevin Troost, playing Zombie Beatdown
There probably isn't a more boring matchup in Onslaught Block Constructed than the zombie mirror.

I won with Putrid Raptors in game 1. Kevin won with Putrid Raptors in game 2.

Kevin got flooded in the third game as I won with Withered Wretch, Rotlung Reanimator, and Unholy Grotto.

I mentioned to Kevin afterward that he was unfortunate not to have drawn his own Unholy Grotto and Rotlungs. I raised my eyebrows a bit when he said he didn't run Unholy Grotto. When I pursued asking about the Rotlungs, he simply sighed, shrugged, and said he didn't have any, so he was using Vengeful Dead in their place.

Before I forget, I'd like to thank the guys who meet for drafting Monday evenings at the Capital City Mall Food Court. Through them, I have access to any card, practically any deck, and a whole lot of advice.

Round 3 - Brent Eyler, playing Red/White
As you may recall, Brent ripped up the JSS circuit a couple years ago with his Balancing Tings deck. I was kind of mad at him because a player of his caliber shouldn't be 1-1 playing me at Table 53. Go away!

Game one went heavily in my favor: Turn 2 Withered Wretch, turn 3 Smother his morphed Exalted Angel, turn 4 Rotlung Reanimator. Patriarch's Bidding put me over the top as I won despite a late appearance of Akroma.

In game two, Brent started with a turn 2 Silver Knight. I chided him for the fact that it was pro-red, and my zombies were black. (Maybe he made a mistake sideboarding?) His 2/2 first-striker was pretty good against me nonetheless, protection from whatever. Turn 3, Brent plays a morph and unmorphs Angel on turn 4.

Game three was more of the same.

This was the second of my three match losses. One thing I noticed at the end of the day was that in each loss, I actually won the first game. I won't say that a better sideboarding strategy would have won any of these matches. But it wouldn't have hurt.

For example, I know against Astral Slide and other decks reliant on cycling, I should board in Stabilizer. Vengeful Dead comes in against control and the zombie mirror. Call to the Grave and Head Games can come in against anything but goblins and zombies."Secret Tech" comes in against Form of the Dragon, and anything else that seems like it could be useful.

That's the easy part of sideboarding. The hard part is trying to determine what comes out!

Against Brent, I was prepared to bring in twelve cards: Three each of Call to the Grave, Head Games, Vengeful Dead, and Stabilizer. After going two times through my deck, all I could find to pull were two Carrion Feeders and three Gempalm Polluters. I really had no idea what to pull.

Do I break apart the Bidding combo? Twisted A-bomb? Do I split the cleric duo of Withered Wretch and Rotlung Reanimator?

If I'm not mistaken, I'm pretty sure I got frustrated by the whole process and stuffed most of my sideboard back in the deck box.

I don't make New Year's Resolutions. First of all, because I wouldn't keep them. Secondly, if they were so darned important, I shouldn't wait until New Year's Eve to start them. However, if I were to make New Year's Resolutions, I would put,"Never go to a PTQ without practicing post-sideboard" right between"Floss more" and"Stop snacking after dinner."

Round 4 - Andrew Schmersahl
Andrew's a no-show. However, he didn't drop, so I have no opponent.

While waiting for round 5 to start, let's take a moment to contemplate Wild Mongrel. Why on earth, did Wizards of the Coast give Wild Mongrel that ability? No, not the"discard a card from your hand, Wild Mongrel gets +1/+1 until end of turn" ability. Everyone knows that's the number one madness enabler that defines the Blue/Green build in Odyssey.

I'm talking about the other activated ability... The"discard a card from your hand, Wild Mongrel becomes the color of your choice until end of turn" ability. For every hundred cards pitched to Wild Mongrel, how many times was color change relevant? Once? Maybe twice??

Why color? Doesn't Wild Mongrel's color changing ability have a kind of Invasion flavor to it? What was color changing doing in Odyssey?

I believe the color changing ability was included to thwart one of the most hyped, yet underachieving cards in the block: Shadowmage Infiltrator.

Psychatog was powerful enough. Could you imagine how Mr. Teeth would have dominated with a virtually unblockable card-drawer by its side?

What do I know? Just some food for thought. Put it on the stack.

Round 5 - Kyle Place, playing Goblin Bidding
Kyle had early board position in game one with the Warchief, Piledriver, Siege-Gang Commander and three goblin tokens. However, my Withered Wretch and Rotlung Reanimator were holding him at bay.

If goblins are ever happy, it's when they're being turned sideways, not trying to stare down a couple zombies. I cast Noxious Ghoul and Carrion Feeder the next turn to clear his side of the board. Goblins blinked first.

In game two, Kyle played an early, turn3 Sulfuric Vortex. By turn five, he's got a Warchief and three Piledrivers swinging for twenty-three.

In game three, Kyle again casts a third-turn Vortex. This time it came back to bite him. I had a stronger early board position, and was content to let the Vortex whittle us both under ten. I was able to cycle Gempalm Polluter and recur it with Unholy Grotto faster than he was able to draw burn.

Round 6 - Byron Hoy, playing Bad Form
Withered Wretch and Rotlung Reanimator nibbled away at Byron's creatureless board, with a single Lightning Rift as his lone defense. I was able to get him to ten when he cast Form of the Dragon. Fortunately, my life total was high enough that I had some time.

Read the Runes fetched me a Polluter while next turn's Patriarch's Bidding cluttered the board with zombies. When I cycled the Polluter, Byron Starstormed in response. He thought I had a single Rotlung and two Wretches among my zombie horde, which would have netted three tokens. Thanks to the previous turn's Bidding, there were in fact two Rotlungs and two Wretches. This netted eight zombie tokens. Byron conceded.

Game two: Time for"Secret Tech!"

Two mulligans forced me to start with a five-card hand. Thanks to two copies of Temple of the False God, Byron was able to cast Form of the Dragon on turn five. No problem. I cast a morph, leaving a swamp and island untapped.

What would you do?

What could you do?

At this point in the game, the correct answer is"Nothing."

During Byron's upkeep, he targeted me with Form of the Dragon. I unmorphed Willbender and sent five damage back to him. Heh. Game and Match.

There was really nothing Byron could do. If he targets the morph instead of me, Willbender can still re-direct the damage.

He can't even use the Shock he had in his hand. Shock to my morph at the beginning of his turn would have to go on the stack along with the Form of the Dragon damage. He could Shock Willbender. He could kill Willbender. But not before Willbender redirects Form of the Dragon.

Besides, who's going to waste Shock on morph creatures in a zombie deck? Everyone knows those morphs are Putrid Raptors. Why waste a Shock?

The only thing Byron, or any other Form player could do, is to destroy the morph during my turn.

But is that morph creature a Willbender? Or is it a Raptor? Which one's the Willbender? Are any of them Willbender?

Morph creatures are fun in Limited because you don't know for certain what they are. However, in Constructed, morph creatures are very predicable.

Zombie Bidding may not be Tier 1... But a Putrid Raptor/Willbender dilemma may be the only constructed example where a morph creature's identity is a mystery. I wonder how Chromeshell Crab would stir the pot??

Round 7 - Semion Bezrukov, playing Goblins
Semion had a"Pro Tour - Competitor" shirt on, as well as a very serious manner. I won the first game with Patriarch's Bidding. Semion won game two with goblin speed.

In game three, he had Goblin Sledder and an active Goblin Sharpshooter. I had a morphed Willbender. (He hadn't seen one in the match yet, and I'm not yet worthy of having been scouted.) I figure,"what the heck" and attack with the morph. Semion blocks with the Sledder and sacks it to the Sharpshooter after damage goes on the stack. When he pings me with the Sharpshooter, I respond by unmorphing Willbender, and sending the one damage back to the Sharpshooter. The one damage to the Sharpshooter resolves before the +1/+1 effect of the Sledder, so both of Semion's creatures are gone.

I presume he had Shock or some manner of burn in hand to finish off what he must have thought was a Putrid Raptor. Despite this fortunate turn of events, my start was rather slow, and I eventually found myself with an empty board facing down two hungry Clickslithers.

My only answer was to cast Bidding. I returned four zombies, including Rotlung Reanimator, Twisted A-bomb, Gempalm Polluter, and Noxious Ghoul. That's -4/-4 to all non-zombie creatures. Normally, that's a good thing.

Semion returned Goblin Warchief, Sharpshooter, and three miscellaneous one-drops, among them Goblin Sledder. In the process of sacking enough goblins to save his Clickslithers, I took five shots from the Sharpshooter, who was hasted by the Warchief.

Semion was at thirteen; I was at five. Not the best Bidding resolved all day, but it allowed me to stabilize and gain control of the board... At least for a turn.

Semion's draw the next turn was quite significant. It was to have so profound an impact on the game-state, that he couldn't help mutter a word under his breath:"Stains."

"Stains" is a cool word. It should probably be added to the lexicon of Magic lingo. It's kind of like the word"mise."

"Mise" is a cool word, too. Mise sort of means whatever you want it to mean, depending on the situation. One can"mise" a critical land,"mise" a second Lightning Rift into play, or"mise" a side order of fries.

"Mise" is derived from"might as well" and has a whimsical, near-random connotation. I'm not exactly sure where"stains" is derived from, but my imagination guesses that it has something to do with Huggies and Hershey Bars.

In the context of our game, you could say that"Semion mised Rorix off the top, then swung for the win."

I submit that"mise" is too light a word for that situation. Try to say"mise" without smiling. Can't be done... Unless you bite your tongue and say it with a lisp.

Rorix is beyond"mise." Rorix is serious, dour, grim and grave. Rorix is"stains" worthy.

Semion's preparation for the tournament was apparent by his matter-of-fact manner of play:

Draw.
"Stains."
Rorix.
Attack.
"Well played!"

Win with dignity. Lose with grace. And accept the fact that a little luck is a part of our game. Otherwise, go play chess.

Round 8 - Carl Winter
Carl is a no-show, so I receive a match-win by forfeit.

I end the day with a very uncertain five wins and three losses. The record may be a little inflated because of two forfeit wins. On the other hand, the three losses were each to superior players, and went the full three games.

Let's play again. Props to Leann and Sara for having the patience that allows me to indulge in this crazy, consuming pastime. See you in Edison, New Jersey this Saturday!

Dan Murphy
narniabug@hotmail.com