A man enters the church; he quietly walks to the confessionals and enters the last one.

Me: Forgive me, father, for I have sinned.
Priest: How long has it been since your last confession?
Me: Too long, father.
Priest: What are thy sins, my son?
Me: I have many sins.
Priest: Go on my son; God will hear all sins without shame.
Me: But... This one is horrible. I have shamed my family, the game I love, and myself. I built my Sealed deck wrong!
Priest: Good God, son! How could you?

In a galaxy far, far away, a towering and imposing figure in black kneels at a shrine. Through a black helmet, an amplified voice:

Vader: What is thy bidding, my master?
Emperor: You will go to the Grand Prix trial; you will sit among the rebels...
Vader: Yes, my master.
Emperor: You will bust open cards with them. You will register the weakest, most worthless pile of inadequate spells and creatures in the room.
Vader: And then...?
Emperor: You will use the dark side of the force to make sure Dave Weiss gets those cards!

This pretty well sums up the forces against me this past Saturday. I ventured out into the Midwestern chill and tried to resurrect some semblance of skills playing sealed deck. However, tragically, I sinned the ultimate sin.

I have had some success in the past - in the last century, to be exact. I have nothing in the way of serious skills, like many of the writers here. I do not really play much anymore. However, my wonderful wife tossed me out of the house this morning as she continued to write her master's thesis in Solitary Confinement. What better time to play in the Grand Prix: Boston trial at Pastimes in Niles, IL?

But, as I confessed above, I have sinned. I have sinned and I have paid penance. Not as a confession, mind you; as an inevitable penalty. For the Magic God does not offer absolution - the Magic God only offers the dreaded 0-2 drop. What did I do wrong?

It is for each of you to decide, to figure out specifically what I did wrong, and read into what mistakes you might have made lately or all time. For as we will find out, most of us are Sealed Deck Sinners.

I will offer details into my sins. Sins I know they are, for my destruction at the tables was swift and painful. It was a hopeless bastard of a deck, built incorrectly from a pathetic card pool. Just putting the little"1" marks in the"played" column of the deck sheet brought a cringe to my face. As the guy across from me said things like:

"Well, Scion of Darkness and Akroma, Angel of Wrath means I am playing white/black; oh well."

From two seats down:

"I just don't know; can I support Kilnmouth Dragon and Kamahl, Fist of Krosa and Riptide Replicator? Oh, maybe I will play nineteen land."

I sank further and further into my seat. It was at this moment, when the cacophony of hopes and dreams reached its highest that I sinned the worst: I slapped my cards and decided to play the wrong colors. No matter what was staring me in the face, I just put every crap removal card and morph and cycling thingy into a pile and called it a"deck."

Not to torture you my fellow sinner, I will provide you with the litany of spells and creatures handed to me by Vader's dark hand.

Lands
Starlit Sanctum
Tranquil Thicket
Secluded Steppe

Black
Aphetto Dredging
Aphetto Exterminator
Aphetto Vulture
Boneknitter
Crown of Suspicion
Crypt Sliver
Disciple of Malice
Dripping Dead
Fade from Memory
Noxious Ghoul
Screeching Buzzard
Spectral Sliver
Spined Basher
Syphon Soul
Vile Deacon x 2
Words of Waste

Blue
Blatant Thievery
Cephalid Pathmage x 2
Choking Tethers
Covert Operative x 2
Crafty Pathmage
Disruptive Pitmage
Essence Fracture
Keeper of the Nine Gales
Mage's Guile
Mistform Ultimus
Riptide Chronologist
Screaming Seahawk
Sea's Claim
Voidmage Apprentice x 2
Wall of Deceit

Green
Broodhatch Nantuko
Defiant Elf x 2
Elvish Pioneer
Elvish Warrior
Gempalm Strider
Needleshot Gourna
Symbiotic Beast
Symbiotic Wurm
Taunting Elf
Timberwatch Elf
Treespring Lorian
Wellwisher

Red
Flamewave Invoker
Goblin Assassin
Goblin Firebug
Goblin Lookout x 2
Goblin Sky Raider
Goblin Taskmaster
Lavamancer's Skill
Nosy Goblin
Shock
Shaleskin Bruiser
Skirk Prospector
Sparksmith

White
Aven Redeemer
Crown of Awe
Daru Lancer
Defensive Maneuvers
Deftblade Elite
Glory Seeker
Gravel Slinger
Piety Charm
Starlight Invoker
Sunfire Balm
Wall of Hope

Funny how the last card elicits some connotation of Hope. Laugh now; you didn't have to make a deck out of this in thirty minutes.

What did I do that was so wrong? Well, digest the list and you see that no deck jumps out at you. I used to be top-notch at making any card pool work, but that was back in the days of Mirvlight and Tempest. Not so anymore.

Sin #1: Know Thy Format
This is, in fact, my first tourney with Legions. This was the first of my sins, as might be yours as well. Fellow sinner, weep here on my shoulder. I have done what you have. I thought in terms of Onslaught sealed with some new creature cards to go with them. I thought the major difference would be that people wouldn't have two Shocks or fewer Snarling Undoraks.

How shallow of me to think like that! This is sheer stupidity. I thought that the doubles in the Legions booster would separate the card pool quality. In fact I had won, just two weeks prior, a rather odd"Legions-only booster box challenge" at this very same store - and yet I had just never made a deck with both Onslaught and Legions. Chance favors the prepared mind some Vulcan once said. Nothing favors the sinner.

Sin #2: Know Thy Powerful Commons
This seems trivial. Make a deck with nice removal spells and efficient creatures. Rely on commons to see a pattern. Sure, every deck has five rares and a handful of uncommons, but the majority of what will take you home is the commons. Someone told me Sparksmith was good; I believed it. That doesn't mean you are playing red if that Goblin is looking at you.

Did I have any idea of the brokenness of Timberwatch Elf? Nope. I eschewed the elves like the fat girl at the Cotillion. Look up at my list; the green just might be the best color.

Sin #3: Length Over Strength
If you blasphemers have ever ventured outside the Magical Cards, that is a tenet from bidding rules in Bridge. Sometimes you need to play three colors, but don't just pile all your best cards from three colors and some tricky mana to make a deck. I made a big mistake not selecting a good curve for the colors I chose. Is the Keeper of the Nine Gales a good Limited card? You can read a dozen review articles around StarCity and see that the answer is"No!"... But I immediately sinned and put it in my deck.

It made me think about blue. Mistake.

Sin #4: Do Not Hate Your Deck
Your 23 spells and 17 lands is a living, breathing thing; all the best players know this. When your card pool does not compare to the guy across the table, do not envy his cardboard. That is what will turn your cards to hate you...

I think we all know who will win when you hate your cards and they hate you. I have never met a sealed deck with a DCI rating. I made out my decklist, and almost didn't check it over. I just did not want to look at the card names that I was checking. I wanted to check the other cards, and spent my time thinking about the deck that I opened. That deck had Exalted Angel, and Whipcorder and Cruel Revival and Cabal Archon. I just hated the pile of crap that sat before me.

I never thought about how I could make what I had better; I just seethed with envy at what I didn't have. I sat there, forming excuses for why I was going to lose with it. And how did that help?

When I sat across from my first-round opponent, my deck was seething at me. I could hear it.

Sin #5: Do Not Take It Out On Your Opponent
This is perhaps the worst of the whole lot; the one the Priest will make you really repent for. All the other sins are committed inside you, but this one is damnable. Why did Shawn Doherty deserve to play me round 1 and hear my bemoaning and see the vein pop out of my neck when I have to mulligan to five and still get one land? I scooped while at twelve in game 1.

I mentally picked up my things and went to my car right about there. But my body and competitive spirit stayed through two debilitating rounds.

There are many more sins. Cheating is a sin. Ignorance is a sin. Flatulence is a sin...well not really that just sort of rhymes with ignorance. What is your sin? Figure it out and repent. Not to me, or a Priest if that is not your style (or denomination), but to yourself. Exorcise your demons. Then Magic will become just that...magic!

For all of you who think you can make a viable decklist from the card pool above, this is the best I could come up with, long after my 0-2 drop.

Green
Broodhatch Nantuko
Elvish Warrior
Gempalm Strider
Needleshot Gourna
Symbiotic Beast
Symbiotic Wurm
Treespring Lorian
Timberwatch Elf
Wellwisher

Blue
Choking Tethers
Covert Operative x 2
Disruptive Pitmage
Essence Fracture
Mage's Guile
Mistform Ultimus
Screaming Seahawk
Voidmage Apprentice x 2

Red
Lavamancer's Skill
Shock
Sparksmith

By no means is that a good deck. It is most likely not the optimal ones from the pool above. I will absolved myself of one sin:

I played Black/Red/Blue in the tourney and didn't win a single game. It wasn't even close.

Fellow sinners, if you must find a way to repent, here is an idea. Email me a better deck list from the above pool. Get that off your chest, my sons. Send to me a djmstd@NOSPAMyahoo.com (leave out the you-know-what...)