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Let me introduce my Snoot.
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but Saran-wrap underwear.
"Sir," the psychiatrist says, "I can clearly see you're nuts."
And speaking of nuts, once Grozoth fills your hand, Thought Courier becomes monstrous. Better than Jushi Apprentice. He hands you a card for free and asks, "Which ridiculous nine-cost fat-ass should I put into the graveyard for you to Zombify?"
Ideas Unbound acts the same way, threefold.
This deck doesn't break Grozoth. Grozoth breaks the deck. It Transmutes him to the graveyard while fetching another 9-cost, or it can bring him back as a 10/10 game-ender with Vigor Mortis, or it can create a ridiculous late-game loop involving a flipped Nezumi Graverobber and Miren, the Moaning Well.
You want to send your opponent into “Christmas Vacation-era Clark W. Griswold plastic reindeer-battering” fits in a whole new way?
Right now, the best Type 2 decks as demonstrated by Champs and Worlds and various online Top 8s all have one thing in common: they are Control decks, and their basic strategy is "I will ensure that you do absolutely nothing while I win in high style."
Mono Blue Control? Ghazi-Glare? Greater Gifts? Eminent Domain? U/R Tron? Let's face it - repeatedly turning creatures sideways as a primary way of life is nearly dead.
Those decks are pretty stylish, but style has never been a Van Der Snoot priority. Give this deck a try if you prefer a more sleazy and tacky approach:
| Van Der Snoot Reanimator Featured by Caldwell Van Der Snoot on 2006-01-22 (Standard) | ||
Artifact Creatures 1 Nullstone Gargoyle Creatures 2 Blazing Archon 3 Grozoth 4 Nezumi Graverobber 4 Thought Courier Instants 3 Clutch of the Undercity 4 Last Gasp Legendary Creatures 1 Kuro, Pitlord |
Sorceries 4 Compulsive Research 4 Ideas Unbound 3 Vigor Mortis 4 Zombify Basic Lands 4 Island 4 Swamp Lands 4 Tendo Ice Bridge 4 Underground River 4 Watery Grave Legendary Lands 2 Miren, the Moaning Well 1 Shizo, Death's Storehouse | 4 Pithing Needle 4 Shred Memory 4 Cranial Extraction 3 Boseiju, Who Shelters All |
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| Download this deck in Apprentice format! |
Download this deck in Magic Online Text format! | |
"What's happening?"
"OMG WTF"
"God, no..."
"gg lol"
I love these responses from opponents. This deck has so many "what in the hell is going on here?" synergies and card choices. It can win matches simply by stupefying them with utter nonsense like a Nullstone Gargoyle swinging alongside a Blazing Archon, while their various Kodama of the North Trees and land-souped Vinelasher Kudzus sit useless. Their controllers get pummeled by horrible crap, stuff they never thought they'd have to face in a Constructed match.
Grozoth is a stupid card, but you want to get either a Gargoyle or Archon (or both) into play as fast as possible. The consistent method of achieving this goal is by casting turn 2 Ideas or Courier, following up with a 3rd turn Compulsive Research or dumping Grozoth via Courier, and then the 4th turn Mortis / Zombify targeting Grozoth. Use the trigger and your hand will become flooded with nine-costs. End-of-turn, you will preferably discard one Archon, Kuro and Gargoyle, going down to seven cards. Hold one Archon as backup and the extra Grozoths will feed the draw / discard spells. After that, you enter the realm of Van Der Snoot. Utter Stupidity.
Nullstone Gargoyle is Ravnica's version of Erayo's Essence, with the power-lowering drawback of a symmetrical Muddle the Mixture effect but given the same flying frame as Exalted Angel. A naked Gargoyle can make short work of a Loxodon Hierarch, Moroii or Grave-Shell Scarab in a fight. With the all-important bonus +1/+1 counter given by Vigor Mortis, he suddenly outweighs Kamigawa Dragons, though Keiga and Kokusho are high on the list of cards that can take a healthy crap in Van Der Snoot Reanimator's punch bowl. Yosei has never been a serious problem outside of Greater Gifts.
Greater Gifts is a better reanimation deck, obviously. Once the Yosei loop takes off, it's over (for anyone, not just my junk). Those are some bitchin' fireworks. I have beaten it many times, as they behave like a Combo deck, with little or no removal. This makes that turn 2 Graverobber all the more devastating. All four White dragons in the Removed From Game pile is funny.
That said...
The Gargoyle theoretically adds the text "Discard a card, and waste X mana, where X is that spell's mana cost" to any non-creature spell. While playing a deck with Countermagic, it acts as a well-hung Gaea's Cradle. It gums up a burn strategy so badly that dead Chars will start dropping from the opponent's hand as they try to keep afloat by casting life-saving Lightning Helixes. I've watched so many players, under the grip of claustrophobia, begin pitching money spells to get their other garbage to resolve. This leaves me open to cast Clutch of the Undercity or Last Gasp without losing cards.
FYI: Gargoyle does not counter the Epic mechanic.
Boseiju, Who Shelters All can not only help ruin a deck based on Countermagic, but can punch through the Gargoyle's drawback. I don't pack Boseiju maindeck, based solely on the fact that I don't want the Gargoyle in play unless it's necessary. If Graverobber is flipped, then anything I really want to do can be done without casting an actual spell. Nighteyes the Desecrator embodies the goal of this deck beautifully. I either want to draw / discard, or reanimate. Once the graveyard is primed, there is no further reason to draw extra cards. I don't need Last Gasp if I can 4B Kuro into play, Plague Wind the opponent and then let Miren eat him.
Cards that make my deck suck (aka the silver bulletz):
Ink-Eyes, Servant of Oni
Shred Memory
Nezumi Graverobber
Cranial Extraction
Dimir Doppelganger
Though people normally don't scoop to Gargoyle, there are quite a few that can do nothing but scoop vs Blazing Archon, which also happens to be the only creature I can't hardcast late-game. Most anything other than Keiga, the Tide Star or Meloku the Clouded Mirror are going to have a horrible time dealing with Archon. I run two, and anything less makes me uncomfortable. Putrefy and Wrath of God are the only widespread ways to send your Archon back in the yard. So? Zombify his ass back to the battle! Devouring Light can also pose a problem, in which case your opponent is playing heavy White... meaning there's probably no real alternative to remove the Archon from the game anyway. Simply wait for Miren.
Clutch of the Undercity wins games. The bounce part is alright, even stellar, as it's the only card I have that can target Umezawa's Jitte (though Jitte is by no means a card I fear while using this deck) and I'm fully aware of the crippling blow of having an early Ravnica bounce-land sent back to the hand at end-of-turn. The Transmute ability is the real reason why I run Clutch, as it can find Vigor Mortis, Zombify and, after sideboarding, Cranial Extraction.
You might be asking yourself, "Why the hell is Caldwell Van Der Snoot running $160 worth of lands to power a deck filled with crap rares that otherwise cost less than ten bucks, total?" Hell, why not? Got the Tendos and Miren from the old Gifts PTQ deck, and who doesn't have Rivers? My '89 Corsica's got rims, baby. Big, stupid, twenty-inch shimmering Pirelli rims.
You want the turn 2 Ideas, turn 3 Research followed up with an (enhanced) Vigor-Archon, right? Run the lands I've listed. Otherwise you might struggle for the double Black.
And speaking of struggling, Boros is a horrible matchup. Even casual garbage Veteran Armorer Boros decks can outrun you. They beat you up turns two through four with 2/2 things followed up by repeated burn to the dome. Losing to double Lava Spike always sucks, especially if you just put an Archon into play.
On the other hand, G/W is the best matchup in the world. I'm not sure if you've gotten the memo, but the MTGO Casual Constructed room is absolutely clogged with Selesnya decks. Those people are plagued by explosive diarrhea, and Saprolings are what fills their intestines. Most of your basic Boros, Golgari and Dimir decks can do little about Tolsmir Wolfblood powering up a gazillion tokens and swinging for the win. The sheer amount of tokens being created can outrun Jitte nonsense, mill strategies and makes Putrefy next to worthless. But - what can they do about Blazing Archon, cover it with a Faith's Fetters? Don't make me laugh. They still can't attack. Glare of Subdual? Ok, I'll either deck you in the long run with Compulsive Research or flip a Graverobber so I can repeatedly reanimate Kuro and erase your critters, followed up by gaining it all back with Miren. Poop a Pitlord, swing with Archon, wipe, Miren, flush.
That's right, scoop 'em up, Captain. There's no shame. I've done this hundreds of times.
Splashing Green in my Snoot
I've thought about it, but to be honest I haven't tested it enough. Tendo is my only way of adding Green mana to my pool, and of course Putrefy is better than Last Gasp, but Ideas Unbound is so important to the early game that I can't justify the extra Green simply for slightly more efficient removal (after Kamigawa rotates out, this will be a viable option). And besides, I like the eight basic lands because Blood Moon is slowly being realized as state-of-the-art technology for the dual-haters, and it works. A month ago, on this very site, there were lots and lots of nice black-bordered Blood Moons from The Dark. Then there were zero (they've since re-stocked a few more). Eighth and Ninth Edition Blood Moons are in scarce quantity (only one of each in crisp condition at the time of this writing).
Adding the Dredge mechanic to my Snoot as a way to fill up the graveyard
No way. You'll find that oftentimes you've already cast 3 or 4 reanimation spells, yet you desperately need more, especially against decks with plentiful removal. Dredging back Stinkweed Imp (which would probably be the only Dredge card that would make any consistent sense in this deck) isn't necessary, especially if you watch that crucial Z-omfg-bify slap uselessly in the yard. Jesus, I've already supplied you with twelve discard outlets alongside twelve cards that draw, so don't get stupid. Leave that to me.
This deck, in the colors I've chosen, is as streamlined and ripped as humanly possible to the best of my ability. I'm extremely familiar with it, as I've been playing it since my friend Ruben angrily opened three Blazing Archons (one foil)* out of his Ravnica Fat Pack and I mused that it would make an ugly threesome with Grozoth and Vigor Mortis. I've molded, tweaked, tested, stuck things in my Snoot and otherwise repeatedly lost to Boros Deck Wins until I knew every dimension of this pile of crap. It's an extremely fun deck, it batters the Selesnya Guild and it's ripe for the Casual Rooms on MTGO or at your next duel with friends. Hell, it probably even rocks in multiplayer, but that's one facet of Magic that I haven't really given much attention. Either way, it's the Snoot that matters most. Enjoy.
Your friend,
Caldwell S. Van Der Snoot
* The gods of Magic repaid Ruben by putting three Overgrown Tombs in his first Ravnica box (one foil).
