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It ain't easy, that's my motto.
Drinkin' Tanqueray straight out da bottle.
Everybody wanna know if I'm insane.
My baby mama got a mind full of silly games.
All the drama got me stressin' like I'm hopeless, I can't cope,
Me and my homies smokin' roaches cause we broke.
Late night hangin' out till the sun rise gettin' high,
Watchin' the cops roll by.
It ain't easy, that's right.
That particular passage comes from the song "It Ain't Easy" by 2Pac, which can be found on the album Me Against the World.
It has absolutely nothing to do with my article.
Let's get to work, shall we?
In my last piece, I made the statement that attacking with creatures as a way of life in today's competitive metagame is nearly dead. While Meloku the Clouded Mirror — or Yosei, the Morning Star — repeatedly turned sideways does in fact bring the opponent from twenty life to zero, the strategy of that destination is considered anything but beatdown. Guildpact probably won't change that, and in fact it will give us even more reasons not to beat each other up with creatures.
Snoot.
I'm not going to delve into Boros Deck Wins. It's a popular deck, it's an aggro-Jitte deck, and its double-pronged strategy of fast little men plus cool burn like Lightning Helix is an attractive choice, for players from my good friend James to people who reek of urine and scream at cars through the mouth of a ventriloquist's dummy at the off-ramp. Well, that guy probably doesn't play Boros Deck Wins but he does, in fact, scream at people while holding a ventriloquist's dummy in front of his face and sporting a sandwich board covered in hand-written Bible scripture. That he's a black man and his dummy is white probably symbolizes something disturbing. Jesus saves, maybe.
But hey, I've got a deck that absolutely annihilates Boros Deck Wins, and can actually hold its own in the current crop of metagame decks. It's fast, it does use the widely-loved Umezawa's Jitte, and it also adds just a sprinkle of control. No, it isn't multi-color. It uses zero countermagic and no Urza lands. The Kamigawa dragon cycle is absent, as well as Meloku, Dark Confidant and Saproling tokens.
Give up?
It's Mono-White Weenie, and it has beaten each popular archetype enough times, and consistently enough, that I feel confident in advising you to play it in its forgotten Ravnica glory.
| Van Der Snoot White Weenie Featured by Caldwell Van Der Snoot on 2006-01-29 (Standard) | ||
Creatures 4 Hand of Honor 4 Lantern Kami 4 Leonin Skyhunter 4 Paladin en-Vec 4 Suntail Hawk Enchantments 4 Glorious Anthem Instants 4 Devouring Light 4 Shining Shoal |
Legendary Artifacts 4 Umezawa's Jitte Legendary Creatures 3 Hokori, Dust Drinker Basic Lands 20 Plains Legendary Lands 1 Eiganjo Castle | 4 Kami of Ancient Law 3 Circle of Protection: Black 4 Ivory Mask 4 Terashi's Grasp |
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| Download this deck in Apprentice format! |
Download this deck in Magic Online Text format! | |
Let's play a few matches in the Magic Online Tournament Practice Room. Most of the time you can find decent players swinging Tier 1 decks. Lately I've ran into mostly Greater Good, U/R Wildfire and Ghazi-Glare. As you will soon find out, I played some real crap... but I came across a few nuggets of power in between.
Match 1: U/B Aggro/Control
Here was a player running a deck I wouldn't touch, nor bother testing against in any serious setting... Dog Turds.dec. It was a Blue Bob deck (which I am a huge fan of, when built properly), but one featuring way too many three-mana spells... plus, I'm fairly certain, a full compliment of Meloku the Clouded Mirror. Versus counter-burn, Rock variants or Boros Deck Wins that is an auto-bye. It was counter-heavy and creature-light, but with Jittes. I put him in a headlock all three games, yet two out of three Meloku bailed him out like a rich kid's dad. Disrupting Shoal was the key card, though I baited it out knowing it would be a two-for-one. It's also important to note when someone plays a Jushi Apprentice and is too proud of it to block a Paladin en-Vec or Hand of Honor, that baiting countermagic in order to keep their lands tapped is a good way to keep their hand size in check.
Game 1: I quickly Shining Shoaled his Bob to death, ignorant of the fact that if I had just let it live, I would have easily won simply by laying lands and passing the turn. The rest would have been a fast suicide. After he dropped Meloku, I attempted to bait it into Devouring Light by attacking with 1/1 flyers. It didn't work, and I scooped after he played a Jitte. Meloku is absolutely the Silver Bullet versus my White Weenie. There's very little I can do about it. If they untap with the Clouded Mirror of Victory, then I lose, unless they really bone it up and let me cast Hokori and/or get Jitte warm.
0-1
Game 2: It was the usual - Hawks and Lanterns sneaking past countermagic. On turn 4's upkeep, I had three lands available and Hokori in hand. For some strange reason, he tapped out his three lands to activate his Jushi (which he was morbidly fond of) on his turn. I needed the fourth land, and sure enough, I rip it like a loud fart. Hokori for the lockdown, got him down to one life point, and again, strangely, like a mother who coddles her son, he flat-out refused to allow his precious Jushi to enter combat until the very last turn when he attacked with it. I Shining Shoaled it back to his gourd for the win.
1-1
Game 3: Since Threads of Disloyalty reared its head, I sided out the four Shoals (his creatures were weak, and his deck is designed to bleed you to death) and brought in four Kami of Ancient Law. I never drew one goddamn Ancient Law, and it would have been the difference between a win and a loss, since he ended up casting two Threads. I was forced to D-Light my own creatures to keep the battlefield clear for my Paladins.
This game should have been mine. He played his Jushi, and I kept him from using it by baiting counters. Towards the end, I was swinging with three Paladin en-Vecs. I finally tricked him into blocking with Meloku while he was tapped out (he was at eight life, he would have gotten the scoop had he just taken the six damage and untapped), which allowed Devouring Light to resolve. This brought forth as much masked cussing and crying as MTGO will allow. The turn he should have scooped he peeled the second and game-winning Meloku. I could just see his tears drying as he cast it. Nice one, Chet.
I'm off to a crappy start. A bad deck, played half-poorly, beating up your old pal Caldwell... embarrassing. This calls for some Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Fudge Brownie to ease the pain, since I gave up a career of hard drinking after it gave me the chronic squirts. This next one's for your mother.
Matches 0-1, Games 1-2
Match 2: Mono-Red Burn
The second deck I faced was a creatureless burn deck. Blech. I won before the die roll. My opening hand was so cold that it froze my mouse: Suntail Hawk, Hand of Honor, Glorious Anthem, Hokori, and three lands. I was on the draw, and I ripped a Jitte first turn. That, my friends, is what the squirrels eat. After I played a Paladin and put a Jitte in his hand, he had the common courtesy to scoop. For some unknown reason, he cast a Blood Moon, which means he was probably disgruntled and worth beating up on without apology, just for kicks.
Second game I sided out four Hands of Honor, as I normally do versus most non-Black decks, and four Lantern Kamis, to bring in four Kami of Ancient Law — I suspected Genju, but I was wrong — and four Ivory Mask. I drew none of these. Instead, I kept my starting hand of two Shining Shoals and two Suntail Hawk. Turn 1, I played a Hawk, and this little fart went all the way. He knew he could outrun it, so he kept throwing burn at my melon instead of dealing with the lone Hawk. I kept in my hand a backup Hawk, since I knew eventually he'd be forced to Shock away his brother, which ended up dealing a whopping eight damage. After my two Shoals and his Char, he was sitting limp and worn out at three life. I cast a Skyhunter to force him to stop the burn aimed at my head (I was at five, which is a fairly safe place in a Type 2 topdeck war), and he finally cast his Pyroclasm, the final card in his hand. I ripped Jitte, cast it along with the backup Hawk, and equipped. He drew nothing and scooped.
I'm still smarting about that first match. Beating up on this Mono-Red Burn nonsense in no way compensated my disappointed Snoot.
2-0
Matches 1-1, Games 3-2
Match 3: Mono-Red Burn
I am stunned by my bad luck in facing crap decks tonight. I made sure I was in the tournament practice room. Surprisingly, I was. A different player, but the same crappy Mono-Red Burn with no creatures. This player was using Glacial Ray splice tricks to burn away everything I played. He seemed a little more skilled at his deck than the last guy. I sigh, play fast and thoughtlessly, and get my guts Hidetsugu's Second Rite splattered against the wall. That stung. Wake up, Van Der Snoot.
0-1
I side out four Devouring Lights, and bring in four Ivory Masks. Again, I never see a single Mask, though I had an opening hand of Paladin en-Vec, Hokori, Hokori, Hokori and 3 Plains. I kept, and I won. By the time I dropped the third Hokori, he was gasping and wheezing and I just kicked him in the twinkie.
1-1
The final game gave me an opening hand of Lantern Kami, Hand of Honor, Paladin en-Vec, Hokori and three Plains. That's frozen. I drew into and cast Ivory Mask, finally. I watched CNN while glancing back at the game whenever I was prompted by the cute MTGO sounds. He had Genju of the Spires this time, but with an upright Paladin my other creatures just beat up on him until he was down to six life. It was then that I finally began paying attention, sort of, when he dropped a Sacred Foundry to play an Ancient Law, which he used to block the second Paladin and destroy the Mask.
I had seven open Plains and a Shining Shoal, so I went ahead and Shoaled the Skyknight Legionnaire and aimed it at his scalp. The final four damage came from Paladins. Come on, damnit! Where are all the Greater Good and UrzaTron decks?
2-1
Matches 2-1, Games 5-3
Match 4: G/W Aggro
Finally, a deck with quality cards. Selesnya Aggro with Jitte and Vitu-Ghazi. He starts off with Isamaru and Savannah Lions. I refuse to run those animals, as there happens to be a card out there called Sakura-Tribe Elder that blocks them. He has boyfriends, like Llanowar Elves, Elves of Deep Shadow, and Frostling. Hounds and Lions are what I call White Shocks. They usually do two damage, once. After that, they become ground beef or get Saprolings thrown at them, while Yosei (or something with evasion) beats up on their master. Anyway, I put a Jitte on a Lantern Kami, which has evasion, and I won. His Loxodon Hierarch and Faith's Fetters made no difference. My Hand of Honor maimed up his dogs and cats, and Hokori urinated on his real estate while pointing and laughing.
1-0
He came out strong and angry, dropping Hound, Watchwolf and Trophy Hunter. I threw down my friend the Lantern Kami, which has evasion, and threw him a Jitte. His large creatures began beating me up until I was down to seven life. My Glorious Anthem alongside an active Jitte made his Trophy Hunter worthless to Lantern, though he did tap out to destroy a Skyhunter, giving him one counter, so I went ahead and D-Lighted him out of my way when he swung, and dropped Hokori next turn. I flew over a couple times and won with a 6/6 Lantern. His Vitu-Ghazi Saprolings made no difference. His Okina gave away his Yosei (unless it was strictly for Isamaru), but he never drew it... and if he did, Hokori made sure he couldn't pay for it since he was tangled up casting chumps and lifegain and other debris.
2-0
Matches 3-1, Games 7-3
Match 5: W/B/G Something-or-other
My opponent takes a mulligan down to four, so I've probably already won. He ends up playing Selesnya Guildmage around turn 3 or so, and he casts a Putrefy the following turn, so I have no earthly idea what his deck is supposed to do. Suntail Hawk, Suntail Hawk, Lantern Kami, and Leonin Skyhunter just punch on him until he scoops.
Black Selesnya, maybe?
1-0
The next game, his deck does some stuff. First turn Birds of Paradise, second turn Wood Elves, and third turn Viridian Shaman targeting my Jitte. I fill my field with two Hand of Honors and four flyers. His Seedborn Muse shows up to help slow the bleeding, and eventually Kokusho shows up to spoil the party. I punch on him until he's at three life, while I'm sitting pretty at twenty. All of my men were sideways, so he hits hard for nine with Kokusho, Muse and Guildmage. I'm at eleven. Next turn, he fires a Chord of Calling for six (I assume to gain life with Kokusho, as anything else would have been death) and I scoop, which I realize was probably premature as I would be at one life and he would have no flyers other than Birds of Paradise. Plus, his hand was empty.
I guess his repeated spinning of Sensei's Divining Top made me restless and I just wanted to get it over with. I would have soldiered on had this been a sanctioned match.
1-1
First turn, he sets a Pithing Needle on Umezawa's Jitte. I never draw one. His second turn brought out Dark Confidant, which I protected like it was my own creature. He never revealed Kokusho, but instead lucked into three lands in a row without using Sensei's Divining Top. I had out a Paladin and Hawk, which had already smacked him around into single digits. His Ravnica bounce-lands kept him off any serious tempo, so, Hokori for the lockdown, Shoal for the win.
2-1
Matches 4-1, Games 9-4
Match 6: U/B Aggro
I still have no freaking idea what this guy's deck does. I can only assume it was U/B Aggro because it contained Underground River, Island, Swamp, Hypnotic Specter and Umezawa's Jitte. From there it's anybody's guess. Game 1, I played a Hawk. Then I played a Jitte. Then he played a Jitte, tapping out. I resolved a Paladin, and he resolved a Hypnotic Specter. I played my second Jitte, equipping it to the Paladin and bashing in for two. I erased his Hyppie with Jitte counters, and he scooped. He was at seventeen life, and I was at twenty.
The men call me Van Der Snoot. The ladies call me Caldwell.
1-0
I sided out three Hawks and two Shoals, bringing in two Ivory Masks and three Circle of Protection: Black. My first instinct was to side out all four D-Lights, but I second-guessed Kokusho. My opening hand was squirrel feed, containing two Plains, Lantern Kami, two Hand of Honor, Umezawa's Jitte, and Glorious Anthem. That curve is a thing of beauty, and it only got better.
In his defense, he got stuck on two Islands in the first four turns, so by turn 3, when he missed his land drop, we both knew this game this belonged to me. Why did he keep a hand with only two Islands when his deck requires double-Black? I drew into a turn 2 COP: Black, and I could almost hear him groan at my superb tech. The game went Lantern Kami, COP: Black, Hand of Honor, Hand of Honor (as counterbait to play a follow-up Jitte, but he let the Hand resolve so I let it ride). He drew a card, laid a Swamp, paused, openly wept, and scooped.
2-0
Matches 5-1, Games 11-4
Match 7: W/B/G Elves
Look, I'm open to new ideas just like anyone. But come on, Coat of Arms and Elves? Even Jamie Wakefield wouldn't do that... or would he?
*pauses and thinks about it*
I mean, Putrefy is in many, many decks, and Coat of Arms costs five. Hell, if I played Meloku, I'd allow the Coat of Arms to resolve, then make a whole Snootload of Illusion tokens and show the Elves what an alpha-strike really looks like.
I ended up seeing several people playing the same B/G Coat of Elves deck. Must be some clan nonsense. So anyway, yeah, I won both games, because Coat of Arms helps me, too (Paladin is a Human Knight, Hand is a Human Samurai, Skyhunter is a Cat Knight, and in multiples they are ridiculous). The three Glorious Anthems I cast game 1, and the two I cast game 2, gave me the edge. First Strike and Bushido don't hurt, either. Both games went well past turn 10.
We both kept canceling each other's Jitte, so it was never a factor. There was never a real fistfight. We'd stare each other down until I laid creatures with evasion, and then I'd pummel with them. Hey, I guess you could say it was a fun game. Who doesn't like Paladin en-Vecs the size of Grozoth, alongside 6/6 Skyhunters and 8/8 Hands of Honor? This happened both games, so I'll skip the details. I will say out of all nine matches, this is the only one that I actually cast a Terashi's Grasp.
2-0
Matches 6-1, Games 13-4
Match 8: U/R Wildfire
Oh hell yes! Finally! Patrick Higgins recently called this deck a MTGO "Flavor of the Week" deck in his article, and he's right. It's a damn good stack of cards, and Magnivore is an omfgscaryfreaking house. I've been waiting for some Tier 1 goodness, and I finally got my wish after repeatedly playing against stuff that isn't even Tier 43.
I lose the die roll but manage to get three 1/1 flyers into play. He Mana Leaks the turn 3 Glorious Anthem, but he misses his next land drop and taps out for Compulsive Research (discarding two Wildfires). This allows my second Anthem to stick, and I beat on him for six. He again taps out for Research (discarding two Demolish) and finds land. I pummel again, putting him at four life. Next turn, he casts Pyroclasm. I draw Plains after Plains while he plays around with various Magnivore roids like Stone Rain and Eye of Nowhere and other stuff that doesn't make any difference. I'm palming two Shining Shoal and a Devouring Light, and sitting pretty with five Plains. He should have kept his Wildfires, and I'm sure he realizes this, as he now has plenty of lands to screw me. I lay another Plains and pass the turn. He casts Magnivore and I giggle with glee. He throws for eleven, I Shoal his domepiece, game. I never lost one life point.
1-0
My opening hand in game 2 consists of four lands, Suntail Hawk, Shining Shoal, and Paladin en-Vec. I keep. Paladin and Shoal are all I really need in this matchup, and Sweet Jesus granted me both.
I play the Hawk, hit a couple times, and he starts casting Stone Rain and Demolish. It's meaningless, as my deck keeps feeding me land like a champ. Paladin shows up, and we both know it's all over but the fondling. His only answer is Eye of Nowhere, and it becomes obvious he doesn't have it. He Demolishes a Plains, and I cast a second Paladin and Glorious Anthem. He casts a Pyroclasm, which only kills my Hawk, then scoops. I guess that was his way of giving me the finger. I gave him two fingers, since I tore him a second anus. Again, I never lost one life point. This deck is simply too fast for U/R Wildfire, and has very efficient tools to neuter it. Third turn land destruction only works if you're land-screwed. Especially since my deck hums along with two or three lands.
2-0
Matches 7-1, Games 15-4
Final Match: U/R Aggro Control
I played quickly to screw with my opponent. Have you ever noticed that if you play fast and drop bulletz like Paladin en-Vec in the face of Mountains, your opponent begins to make bad mistakes and counters the wrong things? I lost the die roll, but drew another super-curvy hand of Suntail Hawk, Hand of Honor, Paladin en-Vec, Glorious Anthem, and 3 Plains. He played debris like Ghost-Lit Raider and Orcish Artillery. He also used countermagic, but was so easy to bait that it was as if he wasn't using it at all. He used Ninja of the Deep Hours, which I Shoaled away, played a Paladin, played an Anthem and just beat on him for awhile. After he was at two life and I was getting low, he swung at me with three Red creatures, since they were useless as blockers. I Shoaled his Raider straight back to his geleiden.
1-0
I ended the second game quickly, baiting counters to get Paladin to resolve. I stayed ahead on life, though he tried to Char me to take the lead. I Shining Shoal-removing-Hand-of-Honor to reverse-Char him. He scooped.
2-0
Matches 8-1, Games 17-4
I know these results aren't exactly scientific, since I only played three decks I would consider strong. It is, however, the kind of quality you could expect at the first couple rounds of Champs or a Pro Tour Qualifier, so all is not worthless. I sincerely wish I could have brought you a Greater Gifts matchup, since it is almost as powerful and prevalent as Tooth and Nail was last year, but it wasn't meant to be. I honestly have very few tools to get around that deck, so all I can rely on is speed, Hokori and their inability to find Wrath of God, which can and does happen. Ivory Mask, Kami of Ancient Law, and Terashi's Grasp might help, but usually not. This is the only "hopeless" matchup, though the rest of the current metagame is definitely beatable with White Weenie.
Enjoy.
Caldwell S. Van Der Snoot
csvandersnoot@hotmail.com
VanDerSnoot on MTGO
