My friend and co-worker Taylor Torts once told me a story he insisted was 100%, hand-on-the-Bible true. He claimed he was taking a nice Sunday afternoon nap and was awakened by a tickling feeling on the top of his thigh. He blinked a couple times and looked down at his leg. Poor Taylor was pants-pooping paralyzed to find a tarantula staring him straight in the eye. He went on to tell me that the tarantula was smoking a tiny cigarette and told him this: "Always remember, Torts, the kiss of a woman, like the spider, will always lead to the undoing of the fly." The tarantula then scurried away and was never seen again.

Welcome to the Year of the Dog.

I really, really had the full intention of giving you some serious W/B Aggro play-by-play this time around, but I just can't. Sure, I've been testing Standard W/B Aggro, and yes, it's good and everything I wanted it to be. Being held hostage by Meloku for so long, you can imagine my orgasmic glee when I fed him Mortify for the first time. It was such a profound, wonderful experience that I smoked a cigarette afterwards. Then I pooped.

It's not that I haven't murdered that godforsaken Moonfolk Jackass nine million times in nine million ways, but this time I did it pre-combat while Leonin Skyhunter and Suntail Hawk got to watch, so it was sort of special.

However, I'll admit - with just a hint of guilt - that my attention has been ripped from my Little White Men so violently that I have no choice but to write about my newest obsession:

Helldozer.

OMFG Helldozer.

Sweet, sweet Helldozer.

*strokes Helldozer's mutant wrecking-ball arms*

There, there.

Check out the current, crude beginnings of the most pleasurable Block deck since Kuroda Red:

Helldozer Featured by Caldwell Van Der Snoot on 2006-02-12 (Standard) As written about in http://www.starcitygames.com/php/news/article/11314.html Print this deck!
Maindeck: Creatures 3 Angel of Despair 4 Civic Wayfinder 1 Grave-Shell Scarab 2 Helldozer 3 Loxodon Hierarch Enchantments 3 Debtors' Knell Instants 3 Congregation at Dawn 4 Mortify 4 Putrefy	Legendary Creatures 1 Ghost Council of Orzhova Sorceries 4 Farseek 4 Rolling Spoil Basic Lands 6 Forest 2 Plains 4 Swamp Lands 4 Godless Shrine 4 Overgrown Tomb 4 Temple Garden	Sideboard: 2 Helldozer 1 Loxodon Hierarch 4 Faith's Fetters 4 Shred Memory 4 Culling Sun
Download this deck in Apprentice format!		Download this deck in Magic Online Text format!

Angel of Despair doesn't suck, despite my ignorant claims in my last article. At least I wasn't alone in my stupidity; check the message boards and various Guildpact reviews. While Angel of Despair looked tasty, I swore it would either find its way into bad Reanimator decks or become the Elvish Piper's new slut. Guildpact's Szadek, sans penis and sans hairdo.

Oh, Taylor Torts, Debtors' Knell is the... kill me for saying it... nut high.

God, why did I type that? *frantically gobbles down 120 mg of Xanax and awaits sweet death*

Debtors' Knell is... very, very good.

Since Guildpact won't be legal on Magic Online until February 27th, I'm forced to use Apprentice to test this wonderful new expansion. It took me several games to remember how to use this pile of garbage, and sifting through horrible players is an exercise in insanity.

(Please refrain from hollering the obligatory "use mws!!!" responses, both programs suck and you know it.)

I won't claim authorship of this deck, and I might even be behind the curve —I've played/read up on zero Ravnica Block decks, on MTGO or in Real Life. I caught wind of the decklist in the Magic-League "Latest Decks" section, built and played by one J_Myers (who won 1st place). While his build was four-color (splashing Blue for the four maindeck Dimir Guildmage and four sideboard Dimir Doppelganger), mine is only three. He ran a full compliment of Angel of Despair, which is a little too ballsy for me, and I'm running only one Ghost-Council Orzhova. The synergy between Angel, Council and Debtors' Knell can't be ignored. At this point in time, I feel that that combo is a little too clunky, though I'm tweaking the deck around every five matches so who knows what the final outcome will be.

I've decided to start with the straight-up beatdown/resource denial approach and use Debtors' Knell tricks as a backup plan should my opponent draw too much removal. I chose more Hierarch over more Ghost-Council, though I have this gnawing feeling that I'm going to run three to a full compliment of Council before all is said and done. Hey, I'm just a Carnival Barker at this point and the reader should remember that. If I'm leading this horse in the wrong direction then it will become obvious in good time. I can say with almost full certainty that I will not be splashing Blue or Red, pre-Dissension.

I'm fairly nervous about building my deck around Debtors' Knell because the card is too ripe, the effect too potent. Once this deck catches on (and I'm pretty certain that in some form or another, it will), smart players will pack any number of Enchantment hate, be it Mortify (already in every deck it can fit in), Seed Spark, Leave No Trace, Copy Enchantment, Absolver Thrull, or Sundering Vitae. And why not? Glare of Subdual will be played in Block, along with Faith's Fetters, various Leylines, Privileged Position, Suppression Field, and Moldervine Cloak. There might be others in small counts, such as Eye of the Storm or Searing Meditation. Since Debtors' Knell is the only enchantment in the deck, an opponent's opening-hand Seed Spark will Time Walk your ass on the sixth or seventh turn.

This deck wants to start kicking twinkie on the third or fourth turn. Your first serious move will be either Rolling Spoil, Hierarch or end-of-turn Congregation, finding the Hierarchs or Wayfinders to power into Dozers, Angels and Knells.

No Birds of Paradise. Early Rolling Spoil is hard to cast without paying the Black, and too important of a play to want Birds. Though my original build was "accelerate into stuff with Birds, kill them without caring, move on," it wasn't excellent. They became Congregations, which just wins games. This Block isn't Mirrodin, thank Christ. Hard-casting Angel of Despair while still clinging to double-digit life is almost guaranteed, especially with three Loxodon Cross-Dressers.

So the Van Der Snoot rule of thumb is this: If you run Rolling Spoil, don't run Birds. If you run Birds, which is a really good option if you don't fear Saprolings, then don't run Rolling Spoil. Brought to you by the makers of Duh.

Rolling Spoil is sweet tech. You are bat-Torts insane if you think Selesnya isn't going to clog Ravnica Block Constructed like it has Type 2 and Limited. It's also fun to destroy their guild lands on the third turn, by way of Farseek, making them start over. That's deadlier than last year's ever-popular first-turn Slith Firewalker versus Mono-Blue Control, I promise you.

Four Mortify and four Putrefy: Destroys everything but lands, and you've got that covered. While packing both the best instant removal cards in Block (and Standard), there's little that's going to bother you while you patiently await Dozer mana.

Debtors' Knell Tricks:

Ghost Council of Orzhova plus Civic Wayfinder plus Debtors' Knell: Remember Kiki-Jiki, Mirror Breaker plus Sakura-Tribe Elder? Yeah, mass deck thinning and more lands than you can use.

Loxodon Hierarch plus Debtors' Knell: Sac the fruit, gain four life per turn every turn.

Ghost Council of Orzhova plus Angel of Despair plus Debtors' Knell: You have no worthwhile permanents!

Grave-Shell Scarab plus Debtors' Knell: A 4/4 Phyrexian Arena that dodges removal and brings no pain (but can't attack).

The sideboard is obviously the situational stuff. Culling Sun alongside Rolling Spoil will cause the Selesnya-based decks to openly weep while you hammer them with a bald 5/5 Angel and systematically mow their lawn with Dozer.

This block has crap for countermagic, aside from Remand and maybe Muddle the Mixture. Show me a viable Ravnica Block Draw-Go and I'll show you a man with a johnson growing out of his forehead. What you cast will resolve. You will gain four life with Hierarch, you will destroy one target permanent with Angel, and you will destroy a target land while wiping Gelectrode off the table (god help us when Dissension unleashes some titty-twisting Blue/White weaponry).

What you will worry about is Putrefy, Mortify, Faiths Fetters, and probably Mimeofacture. These cards must be baited like countermagic in order for your Helldozer to seal the deal. With the eight forms of instant removal alongside Angel of Despair, there is no creature that I have to "build around," like a Meloku or Sundering Titan. Not Niv-Mizzet, Burning-Tree Shaman, Firemane Angel, Rumbling Slum, Gleancrawler, Hunted anything, or Razia, Boros Archangel. I can destroy any of the opponent's permanents except Giant Solifuge and Silhana Ledgewalker (Rolling Spoil deals with those nicely). Privileged Position might be a temporary solution, but I will Mortify it on sight.

Hey, great decks are great decks, but "I Destroy Anything and Everything My Opponent Plays" is a pretty profound bumper sticker.

Having said Snoot, it's the instants and sorceries you have to dodge. Devouring Light, Shred Memory, Mimeofacture, Castigate, Dimir Machinations (post-Congregation), a late-game Savage Twister (keeping Hierarch regenerate-the-team-mana becomes downright game-breaking) and the like. While the answers to this deck rolling in full rave are few and far between, they do exist and luckily aren't exactly things people are going to deck en masse.

Of all the decks I've faced, pure aggro and W/B Control has the best chance (but is still manageable), though I probably fear the future mirror Knells more than anything. Someone, somewhere is going to find the missing piece that makes this deck absolutely, unarguably tier one. J_Myers won an Apprentice tournament with a very crude build he claims he created in five minutes. The raw power of this Snoot cannot be ignored. I will go out on a limb and say Helldozer is this Block's Arc-Slogger. I immediately bought four on MTGO while they are still only one ticket each (at the time of this writing). Insult and doubt all you want - Slogger heard the same prattle in his infancy, too.

Here's a brief few matches, just to get the basic idea:

Match 1: U/R CounterBurn
My opening hand of two Temple Garden, Hierarch, Helldozer, Mortify, and Putrefy seems sufficient in any matchup. I drew into a Congregation of Dawn, which I cast at the end of turn 3, and it resolves. I fetch Hierarch, Hierarch, Civic Wayfinder. The first two elephants meet Frazzle. The third resolves, but not before a response of Parallectric Feedback negating the lifegain. Next turn the elephant eats a Char, so my Wayfinder resolves. He plays Leyline of Lightning on his turn, giving me the opportunity to cast Helldozer on mine, which brings a feeble response of Pyromantics dealing 3 when coupled with Leyline. Next turn I blow up a Steam Vents, Putrefy a Izzet Signet, and my Wayfinder dies by Electrolyze. I swing hard. In a couple turns he finds no answers to Dozer but fires a few cantrip pingers at my dome, then scoops.

1-0

Second game I mulligan to six and he has Leyline of Lightning. My third-turn Wayfinder is Remanded. Next turn it sticks, but meets an Electrolyze when I swing with it. Hierarch resolves. He casts a Wee Dragonauts, which I Mortify after casting a Civic Wayfinder. He Chars my Hierarch when I swing, so I cast an Angel of Despair to bait countermagic (I'm holding Debtors' Knell). Instead, it resolves and I get a three-point Pyromantics fired at my head in response. His Leyline is destroyed. Next turn I swing with Angel and Wayfinder and get my Knell Frazzle-ed during my second Main Phase. He targets my Wayfinder with Electrolyze, so on my turn I Rolling Spoil one of his two Steam Vents to either bait countermagic or be an ass (he Frazzles it). He'd down to two life at this point, and I'm sitting strong at 16. He Gigadrowses my Angel on the turn I would win with it, but finds no answers. He Chars my Angel, killing himself.

2-0

1-0, 2-0

Match 2: 5-Color Killer Instinct and Whatnot
Frozen-ass opening hand: Overgrown Tomb, Swamp, Farseek, Putrefy, Rolling Spoil, Ghost-Council, and Debtors' Knell. We spend the first few turns making mana with Farseeks and my Civic Wayfinder, which he Keening Banshees away. I Rolling Spoil his Godless Shrine, his only White source. He solves this by following up with a Farseek into Shrine and swinging with Banshee. Next turn he drops Hierarch, then I play my own Hierarch. Dropping a second Banshee makes my elephant small enough to make a safe swing at me. I take all six and I take a swing at him, and he blocks with the standing Banshee. Next turn I feed his Loxodon a Putrefy, taking two from the flying Spirit. Then comes Woebringer Demon. Woebringer Demon? I lose my Hierarch, so I Putrefy the Banshee. Woebringer problem solved. I drop Ghost-Council and he destroys it with Angel of Despair. Now that he's down to one card, I feel safe enough to cast Debtors' Knell, and it sticks. I take five from the Angel, then he drops Killer Instinct. I resurrect his Woebringer Demon. Angel of Despair problem solved. His Killer Instinct turns up an Overgrown Tomb. I revive his Angel, destroying his enchantment, he draws crap, I cast Congregation at Dawn for Helldozer (eight out of his ten lands were duals), Angel, Angel and he scoops 'em up.

1-0

Second game he mulligans a few times and leaves the match in anger.

2-0

2-0, 4-0

BWG Ghazi-Glare/Debtors' Knell/Ghost-Council/Stack of Rares.dec
Do any of you know how difficult it is to play a match while simultaneously clicking back and forth to write out each play? It's fairly nerve-wracking, and it pains me to no end to write my next match, but I will, just for comedy's sake. I'm not laughing, but have at it.

Opening hand: Forest, Forest, Temple Garden, Rolling Spoil, and Congregation at Dawn. I keep. We both Farseek around until I Rolling Spoil his Godless Shrine. He Farseeks another Shrine. I'm liking Spoil less and less as a maindeck card. I Congregation into Dozer, Angel, Angel. He Mortifies the Dozer, I Angel his Sanctuary, he Mortifies the Angel. I Angel his Tomb and next turn combat damage finally resolves. I resolve a Grave-Shell Scarab. He puts a Faith's Fetters on my Angel. I swing with Scarab, he's at seven life. He casts a Primordial Sage, I Putrefy it knock him down to three life. His Angel of Despair nails my Scarab. I don't Dredge, because I'm an idiot. I draw a basic Plains. I'm holding a couple bluff lands and nothing else.

Now remember, I have an Angel of Despair enchanted by Faith's Fetters. He swings with his Angel, I take 5. He casts Debtors' Knell. It's catching on, folks. I draw Mortify. What would even the lowliest of scrub do? Destroy the Fetters and win the game, right? No, I'm too busy typing "dorps knel" while clicking back to Mortify the Godforsaken Debtors' Knell. I'm too stupid to even realize it. My opponent, who is a decent human being, doesn't mock me, just types "wow." Then I see it.

OH EM F-ING GOD! This makes me very, very angry. I curse myself and my article. At least I have the balls to admit it and even share it with you. Laugh it up. I'm still at twelve life, but I'm so shell-shocked that I scoop. I draw my next three cards: Mortify, Putrefy, Helldozer. I curse life all over again. I look down at the small Charlie Brown tattoo on my left arm and remember why I got it in the first place.

0-1

Kiss my ass, I paid more attention to the game than I did my article this round, but I was still only running at 10% motivation. All I remember is some Farseek action on both sides, some Congregation into double Hierarch and a Wayfinder and he had Selesnya Guildmage and Vitu-Ghazi. Saproling tokens appeared from somewhere, maybe an Hierarch or two resolved, it was all very unexciting. Civic Wayfinder was thrown in the mix, he had a bunch of Faith's Fetters for every relevant permanent I cast, and a Glare of Subdual entered the fray but I Mortify his Ghost Council when he's tapped down. Blah, blah, blah. Some other Magic: the Gathering stuff happened, a Putrefy or something, a Helldozer, which got Mortify-ed, maybe there was a land-drop or two, and then I scooped. Kiss these. It happens to the best of us.

Allow me to be a brat, but I could have won both games. I definitely had the first game, but I got all R.P. Lee about the second game so, whatever. I brought in four Faith's Fetters, which alongside Mortify and Spoil turns any Ghazi-Glare strategy into utter feces. The only relevant cards in his deck at this point were Angel of Despair and Debtors' Knell, cards that I am trying to push on the reader in the first place. He was a nice guy though, and that goes a long way in the world of Van Der Snoot.

0-2

2-1, 4-2

That's all for now. Hopefully this gives you an idea of what the deck does, minus the moronic pilot trying to fly the son of a bitch. I'd like to test this deck now without frantically typing "cats scrab, mrtyued, sac heir, frseel, fetychin shrn" back and forth. I need a goddamn decoder ring just to decipher some of these match reports.

I'm already dog-puke sick of Apprentice.

Rolling Spoil is going to the sideboard for awhile. It will replace Shred Memory, which is dull Dredge and mirror-Knell Snoot tech and upping the counts of Ghost-Councils to three and Scarabs to two plus a full compliment of Congregations. While Spoil is dead-ass awesome versus Ghazi and weenie strategies, it's only "pretty damn good" when you can colorscrew or temposcrew the opponent, which is putting luck into the equation, and I have worse than most.

One thing I can tell you is this: Ravnica Block is hideously slower than Mirrodin and probably even slower than or equal to Kamigawa. If you want me to get all Bill O'Reilly (I just Yahoo-ed "bill oreilly" and one of the "also try" suggestions at the top of the page was "sweet jesus i hate bill oreilly")... ahem. If you want me to get all O'Reilly, I welcome a slower format. Openly. Game 1s decided by the die roll are fun and fine in Legacy, Extended or even Type 2, but we need a gust of fresh air. Nobody likes losing games because they miss their third land drop. Ravnica appears fairly forgiving, and medium-good players like myself will enjoy the season much more because of this. Of course, there will still be plenty of jank to beat up on, and the unwashed scrub masses will still copy online decks and lose with them. But for players who enjoy thinking outside the established Tier 1 box and still competing, this is your time, I believe.

Next week I will return to W/B Aggro. Until then, someone help me break this Helldozer deck already.

Holla at ya boy

Caldwell S. Van Der Snoot
csvandersnoot@hotmail.com