Answer: 251^st.

Question: Gee Ken, how did you do at the South Regional last Saturday?

Some days, it's just not your day. So to speak.

I went there to have a good time playing Magic, so I can't say that I'm bitter about how I finished. But just to cover myself, I've got some more excuses ready in case no one buys the "just havin' fun" line.

1. It was my first Regional.

A poor excuse, to be sure. I'm not some ten-year-old clinging to my Mom's hand overwhelmed by all the people crammed into this "ballroom." Everyone was nice to me, there were no sounds of gunfire, I was not touched in a bad way. Let's move on to Excuse #2.

2. The matchups went against me.

Now this one I like. Of the six people who actually bothered to play against me (the seventh decided not to show up, thank you), I saw six different types of decks. From R/G beats to mono Blue millstone to mono Black kill-all-your-creatures decks. How could anyone prepare for that?

3. I'm not that good.

Well, anyone looking at my record can see that. I use this one when I'm trying to:

A. Be honest.

B. Avoid answering any more questions.

4. My deck wasn't that good.

What? My own, oddly-titled "Afghan Girl" taking the blame for my poor performance? Better men than I may slam their decks - but for me, this is personal. Is the girl imperfect? You bet... But she's still mine and in need of a make over. More on that later.

Some days, you can be an expert on anything, like:

My Take On Expert Analysis
The question I have after viewing the South Regionals top 8 is, "What's a Ponza deck doing there?" Of all the "expert" opinions floated around for the past few weeks, I didn't see anyone predicting that an old-fashioned land destruction deck would make it to nationals. Sure, all of us thought we'd see it in the first or second round - that's why I packed three Sacred Grounds in my sideboard. But getting into the top 8?

So much for educated predictions.

Presenting Ken's Ultimate Guideline for Regional Success.

1. Build a net deck, card for card. Play it, test it, know it in your sleep. Hope for good matchups.

2. Build your own deck. Smooth out the mana. Play it, test it, know it in your sleep. Hope for good matchups.

And it only took me one Regional to figure that out.

So far, we've been inundated with reports, but not a lot of analysis (at least not yet). If I can chip in my two bits before the real players do, I'd say that Standard is pretty much where it was at before. After all:

1. 'Tog is not dead.
Take off the armbands, stop digging the grave: 'Tog is still with us. Thanks, apparently, to Upheaval and Nightscape Familiar.

2. R/G beats, especially Frog, can beat any deck IF it gets a great opening draw.

3. Permission decks still rule.
As in, "Mr. Magic Person Sir, can I cast my Braids?" Answer: "Ummmm, NO!" Along with R/G, decks that used permission spells have dominated the top 8 in most areas. Not all, mind you. Many players in Chicago apparently left the blue at home.

4. Black is good.
Not great, mind blowing, or fantabulous - just good enough to challenge for the prize. Now Braids is dandy, but Chainer's Edict is, I think, the best black card around today. On what do I base that on? Well, how many creatures have "Cannot be sacrificed" as their ability?

5. White is bad.
Not many decks with white, including mine, made it into the finals. Perhaps Judgement will turn this around, perhaps not. I don't hear a lot of crying about white being weak, though. Oh sure, it's great for Wrath, Worship, and the underrated Reprisal. But basing a deck on White is another matter. White Weenie, anyone?

There. Take it for what it's worth. Keep in mind that I didn't charge any of you guys for the advice.

Standard FNM Tourney Report
With Odyssey Block still a ways away and the next big event being the Judgement Prerelease, I decided to give the ol' girl one more tweak for the next FNM tourney. One last ride, if only to see if she does have any promise.

Afghan Girl: The Last Dance
4 Chatter of the Squirrel
4 Basking Rootwalla
4 Wild Mongrel
4 Llanowar Knight
4 Voice of All
3 Flametongue Kavu
2 Roar of the Wurm
4 Shock
4 Armadillo Cloak
3 Rout

9 Forest
10 Plains
3 Mountains
2 Rith's Grove

Sideboard:
4 Tangle
3 Aegis of Honor
3 Creeping Mold
2 Epicenter
3 Obliterate

First off, I don't like painlands. Besides, I've rarely had any mana problems with this deck. Now, I'll do the breakdown only on the changes I've made since Regionals.

Chatter of the Squirrels: One problem with the Mystic Penitent was his inability to create himself again... Especially when eliminated by a Chainer's Edict. For a mere three mana, I get two 1/1 tokens to bait the Edict or Innocent Blood.

Roar of the Wurm - Charging Troll is good; nothing wrong with that. This Wurm is bigger, and I can make two of them. Also decent when discarded to the Mongrel.

Epicenter - One thing about mono-black decks is that they need a lot of mana to win.

Obliterate - First off, permission decks are a pain and Mr. Spellbane Centaur was not very handy against them. Obliterate may be like throwing a nuclear hand grenade, but it can't be countered. A small consideration at that.

Some days, I'll pick on people who are fifty times better at something than I am.

Off Kilter Randy Buehler Observation
You may gather that I don't care for blue much; that's not really true. I certainly like it for card drawing and bounce. And I've even been known to play a counterspell or two. That was back in my "I-don't-really-know-what-I-like" days. Since then, I've pretty much stuck to green, red, and white, with an occasional dalliance into black. Furthermore, I would like to expound on my kinda, but not really anti-blue attitude by commenting on the "People's Champ of Permission" Randy Buehler, and his recent series of articles on Magicthegathering.com.

Mr. Buehler likes permission decks.

Mr. Buehler doesn't like land destruction (LD) decks.

Mr. Buehler understands that some of us don't like permission decks.

Mr. Buehler apparently cannot understand why some of us equate losing to a permission deck the same as losing to an LD deck.

Mr. Buehler reads his email, discovers that his point of view is still not shared by some, and plays devil's advocate using "What do you think?" questions on counterspells.

Mr. Buehler is trying to be fair.

Dear Mr. Buehler,
Magic isn't fair, life isn't fair. You can talk until you're Blue in the face and some people still will not agree. If you like playing permission, more power to you. Just because I cringe every time my opponents say, "Counter," doesn't mean my appreciation for the game is any less. I like Magic, I like ice cream; I just don't care for every flavor.

Thanks for your attention,
Mr. Ken

P.S. I don't like losing to any deck, LD, permission, or otherwise.

End Observation

The Tourney Report
A good turnout of Magic playing folks arrive at Wizard's Asylum in T-Town**, Oklahoma. Including 2002 US South Regional champ Brett Reid and top eighter Rodney Jones. As I'm at the counter paying my three bucks, Jeremy Bright (the 2001 Oklahoma State Champ) asked,

"Did you write a tourney report for Star City?"

"Why yes I did." I so enthusiastically replied.

"I thought I recognized your name." Then, Jeremy turned around to attend to other business.

Until then, I had never spoken to him before. Wow, so this is fame? When do the hot women show up?

As it turned out, this exchange between Jeremy and I was the highlight of my night.

Match One
Opponent: Cameron Cox
Deck Type: R/G/B Major Beats starring Spiritmonger.
My Chances: Not great, I've beaten him before, but not very often.
First Question out of our mouths: "Why do we always play each other?"

Well, why do I always play Cameron? Call it fate, call it karma, call it what you like. Playing the C-Man is like having eggs with my bacon or downing a cold beer on a hot Fourth of July. It's just got to happen.

Before we really get started, someone screams out, "Hollis is playing green!" Everyone shuts up. For a moment, the world I know doesn't make any sense.

Backstory: Every group has its constants. You know them: The kind of people who always play the same deck. Until that kid yelled out, the phrase "Death, Taxes, and Hollis plays White Weenie with a splash of Red" was etched in stone.

"Change is the only constant in the Universe."
- Something Spock said in some Star Trek episode. Name it, and win ten Trek Geek points from me.

Anyway.

Game One
I mulligan to six; the only decent thing I did during the match. Cam plays Call of the Herd; I respond with Flametongue. He frowns and plays his own Flametongue. I sit in stunned silence as he flashes back the Call and beats me about the head with it and Flametongue. I play another land. He wins.

Estimated Time of Game: 2 Minutes

Some days....

Sideboard:
- 4 Shock
+4 Tangle

Game Two
Turn One, I drop Forest, Rootwalla.

I congratulate myself.

Turn Two, add Mountain, swing for three.

So far, so good.

Turn Three, Cameron decides to stop fooling around and he burns the Rootwalla to ashes, courtesy of Fiery Temper. This off the Mongrel he so kindly played a turn before.

Turn Four, I Flametongue the Mongrel and beam like a new Dad.

Turn Five, Cameron plays Spiritmonger.

Turn Six, Cameron plays another Spiritmonger.

Turn Eight, We shake hands.

Some days indeed...

I remember a film where a lady is crying on the steps after her husband walks out of her life. She bucks up, faces the camera, and says, "Tomorrow is another day."

I have to remind myself that it's not tomorrow yet.

Match Two
Opponent: Erick Irrusso
(I hope I spelled your name right. If not, I'll add my apology to the win you took from me)
Deck Type: G/W/B Major Beats featuring Spiritmonger, Mystic Enforcer, and many other unfair creatures.
My Chances: Normally, since I've never played him before and he's 0 - 1 like me, I'd say 50-50. But today...

This is where the "Blues" start to take effect. Usually, I would ask an opponent a lot of "get to know you" questions. Like, where are your from? How long have you played? Nice haircut! Anyway, neither of us say more than two words before the match. Not good.

Game One
Erick is kind enough to introduce me to his deck when he Chainer Edicts away everyone of my creatures. Mongrel? Gone. Voice of All? Kaput. Seeing the table empty, he decides to fill it with a Spiritmonger and swing until I'm dead.

Man, oh man. This is not my day.

Sideboard
- 3 Flametongue Kavu
- 2 Roar of the Wurm
- 4 Shock
+4 Tangle
+2 Epicenter
+3 Obliterate

Yup; I took out a lot of helpful stuff. But I was kind of ticked, so blowing up the world was going to be my solace. Assuming he doesn't Duress it away.

Game Two
This time, young Erick cannot find an Edict so my creatures stay on the board. He does Duress me, taking an Obliterate (bad choice, since I had no Mountains). He should have taken my Chatter of the Squirrel, which I use to swing and swing, getting him down to 9.

He stabilizes with Spiritmonger and Mystic Enforcer. Here, Erick makes another mistake by not attacking with the Enforcer after reaching Threshold. With my life at six, I manage to Rout the board, place a Rootwalla, and smack away until his life total reaches zero.

Between games, Erick informs me that he should've won.

"Yes, you should have - but didn't."

That exchange left a bad taste in my mouth. I don't like being short with anyone, no matter what they say or what tone they use. Erick didn't say anything wrong; I just didn't take it right.

Some days, I just have to sit back and take a breath.

Game Three
Erick wastes no time. I plink away with a Chatter. He gets out a Rager, then another. There's little I can do as he destroys my creatures, then goes to the dome until I extend my hand.

Short paragraph, short game.

Call it spirit, call it stupidity. I decide not to drop and play out the rest of the night. I'm rewarded by getting the bye. My celebration consists of pumping my fist in the air, "Take that! I'm one-two, baby!" This gets a cheap laugh. Since I'm a cheap guy, this doesn't bother me.

During the bye, I get a formal education to the wonders of the R/U/G deck Rodney Jones built for Dallas.

I think Rizzo would like this guy. He built his own deck and made it to the top 8. That's the Rizzo way.

Chris Cassidy, my fifth round opponent at the Regional, used the same deck as Rodney. It looks okay, but not that impressive. And while I'm not a top pro, I have been in the game long enough to recognize a good deck when I see it. Or so I think.

So much for looks.

My Afghan Girl hardly gets her burka on when Rodney pummels me in two straight games. For the next match, I switch to Frog. And this time, the "Rug" has problems. Speed and burn, especially speed, seems to be the best method in dismantling his deck. But why should you listen to me? You'll get your chance at Nationals next month.

Last Game
Opponent: Kendall Bright
Deck Type: R/U/B Psychatog, featuring the dandy combo of Fiery Temper and Wild Research
Chances: Pretty slim; he's one of the best players in the State and I've never beaten him.
Kendall's Outlook on Life: Positive. He's pretty chipper for a guy who must be one-two like me.

Game One
I get out the beats and Kendall's life total drops to five before, you guessed it, he burns away all my threats and pumps the 'Tog to eighteen and swings. Since my life total is eighteen, he wins. Sounds pretty simple, doesn't it?

Game Two
Kendall mulligans all the way down to three.

That's right; all the way down to three little cards. And, he's pretty happy about it.

I draw a less than optimal hand, but I don't care. He starts with three, this should be a short game.

Kendall wins.

(ring)

"Hello."

"Hello, is this Ken Macka....Mickey...Mac-A-Hee-Knee?"

"Close enough. Yes, this is Ken."

"Hi Ken, my name is Bob, and I represent the Magic Player Rewards Program. How are you doing today, Sir?"

"I'm fine, Bob."

"That's good to hear. Listen Ken, the reason I'm calling is that we've checked your Personal Stats and we find that you....Well, I don't know how to put this Ken, but... You suck."

"I do, Bob?"

"Yes, you do Ken. In fact, you suck so bad that we not only want our token cards back, but we feel that you owe us at least two rares. And not those crap rares, either. Something like Mutilate or Urza's Rage. You think you can get those to us in the next week or two?"

"I'll try, Bob."

"That's good to hear, Ken. After all, we wouldn't want something to happen to your collection, would we?"

"Uh - what do you mean, Bob?"

"Oh, nothing Ken... Nothing at all. Have a good day."

(click)

Some days, it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.

Out back is the freshly-dug earth covering my latest deck. The only thing clever about the "Afghan Girl" was her name. The only one left to blame is myself.

I leave the shop with an hour's drive ahead of me. Yes, one whole hour of darkness with nothing but asphalt and passing headlights. I crack the window to let the breeze keep me company. Reassuring thoughts, like, "It's only a game." pass in and out of my consciousness. It's not helping any.

Some days, it just pays to make silly predictions, like the one below.

Obligatory Judgement Prediction
Assuming that the Judgement spoiler is correct (and we all know what happens when we assume.), Test of Endurance will replace Battle of Wits as "Best Auto Win Card." Why? Heck, son - it's too easy now to gain over fifty life. I can see those U/W Millstone decks that everyone laughed at becoming U/W Counter/Lifegain decks that everyone will dread playing. People will be hearing "Counter, counter, Life Burst for four, counter, Life Burst for eight, counter, counter, Play Test of Endurance, counter, Life Burst for twelve, counter, Ancestral Tribute for the win!" in their sleep.

There; perhaps making cute remarks will ease my mind. After all, some days it pays to make people laugh. And some days you just have to put things in perspective.

I think I'll go for an ice cream.

Ken McElhaney

* - In my last article, I reported that there were 454 participants. That number came from an announcement made by the judging staff before we began play. Afterwards, I read that the official total was 453. Sounds like someone used my adding skills on the entry list.

** - T-Town is an old fogey's name for Tulsa.

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