People run up and down the hallways screaming. Someone in an adjacent room is jumping on his bed whilst his lady friend screams. Apparently she wants him to stop jumping on the bed. Eminem blasts from across the hall, "Bounce bounce, I said common bounce. Everybody in the house is doin' mass amounts."

Meanwhile, I'm trying to sleep. You guessed it; I'm a college student. Thoughts passed through my head as I tried to drift off, term papers, the weekend, blueberry bagels, bounce bounce I said common bounce everybody in the house is doin' mass amounts, bounce, massive amounts, Boomerang is the best card ever, Cephalid Constable, Patron Wizard, rogue decks...

And so was born... mounce-a-bounce.

I playtested it with Brandon Kreines of Team Your Mom - and a few hands later he asked me, "So your objective is to get your opponent to punch you in the face for being that guy?" Yes Brandon, yes it is.

Okay, getting punched in the face should hand me a few match losses for my opponent, but it's not the easiest way to make top 8. And let's say I happen to play Gandhi at Worlds or something like that! My strategy would be shot.

24x Island
4x Cephalid Constable
4x Aven Fogbringer
4x Boomerang
4x Temporal Adept
4x Churning Eddy
4x Patron Wizard
4x Retraced Image
4x Force Spike
2x Upheaval
2x Hapless Researcher

Sideboard
4x Envelop
4x Sea's Claim
4x Hibernation
3x Annex

So how does a deck that runs Boomerang actually win, you ask? Like this: Turn 1 island, Retraced Image, naming island. Turn 2 Patron Wizard, or Cephalid Constable - or if need be, I just stall with the Boomerang, hitting one of their lands buying me another draw or mana drop. Any deck that can drop a second-turn Patron Wizard followed up by a wizard every turn might get you punched in the face. Retraced Image never looked so good as when it gets you two islands on your first turn. Cephalid Constable keeps your opponent's lands in hand and Temporal Adept does likewise. After a few turns of swing, bounce, swing bounce with wizard counter backup, your opponent scoops.

Had I been playing during the combo winter, this deck would remind me of the good old days.

All the creatures in the deck are wizards, so I can leave them untapped to be used with the Patron; countering for one is just as good as returning a land. If you can keep the board clear and Cephalid Constable starts swinging, the game is yours. If they start showing you Innocent Blood and Duress, the game drags on and you lose - well, at least that's what happened at States But that was before I realized that Upheaval can be some good! With 24 lands in the deck and more stall than my 71 Pinto, you can easily get up to nine land. Last time I checked, Upheaval + Patron Wizard or Upheaval Cephalid Constable makes your opponent grimace. This also gives those late-game Force Spikes and Retraced Images a use.

Got a pair of Retraced Images and an Upheaval? Reset the board and start yourself out on three mana. Or if you can float enough, get multiple Patron Wizards out for four mana in the pool. The deck strives to make a good early lock - but if your opening hand falls short or they show you crucial spells you can't counter, then Upheaval takes care of the job with plenty of counter backup from your wizards on the table. I'll go over each card and explain how it should be used.

Island
Generally you should play one of these a turn if you can, they seem to produce mana without fail. Playing Upheaval and an island after the board gets cleared isn't a bad idea, either.

Boomerang
These are generally aimed at land to slow down your opponent and buy yourself another land drop. Late game, it might be used to send up a blocker so your Constable can get through to bounce a land. Don't forget to shout, "Return from whence thou came!" or perhaps"Get thee to a nunnery!" when playing it.

Force Spike
I don't know about you guys, but I like to use these to counter spells when the opponent is tapped out. Actually, there is some strategy for these, sometimes it's fun to swing with enough wizards to make the opponent think he can cast a crucial spell by tapping out. Make sure to duck when your opponents fist flies by your face.

Churning Eddy
It's fun to beat your opponent with jank! Send up a blocker and a land, thus letting your Constable through - that's two lands and a blocker, which they can't play back down now because you have the wizards to counter. This is great for scooping up Rootwallas and early drops you missed. It's also cute against creatures that have a"comes into play" ability like Mesmeric Fiend, or lands enchanted with Squirrel Nest.

Dematerialize
This was definitely not the right pick. I'm currently screwing around with Sea's Claim to turn their mana into a color they can't use. Annex is also a prospect that speeds your mana up while depriving them of a mana for the same cost as Dematerialize. The only reason I'm ran Dematerialize is because I needed the bounce - but hey, everyone makes mistakes. If you think four of every other card in the deck is needed, these just go out for two or three Upheavals.

Retraced Image
Its primary purpose is to accelerate your mana drops early in the game so you can get out a second turn Patron or Constable. You can also use it after an Upheaval to get out more lands or duplicates of a wizard.

Patron Wizard
This guy makes every creature (including himself) into a free Force Spike, he helps set up the lock with Constable on the board.

Cephalid Constable
This is your win condition, set up a counter lock on the board and ping away at your opponent keeping their lands at bay. Always swing if he's going to get through.

Aven Fogbringer
He's a wizard, and he bounces a land. If you have silly amounts of mana and they don't have creatures (this happened at States), you can swing and then Churning Eddy and play him back down.

Temporal Adept
This guy is for removing permanents from the board; be they blockers or be they land, the Adept will make them into a temporal anomaly. Two of him is a nice trick, sending up more land than they can plop down in one turn.

Cards I should have played with include Upheaval; maybe two or three of them, I haven't decided yet. They go in instead of Dematerialize. With the open space, I might slip in a one costing wizard like Hapless Researcher. Properly played, he can set up quick Patron Wizard ammo. In a pinch, he also digs deeper into your deck to find a piece of the puzzle. Turn 1 Hapless Researcher, turn two Patron Wizard, anyone? *ducks*

The gauntlet. How does Mounce-A-Bounce fare against the field? Well the rule is, the less one-drops the better. If a deck doesn't have anything until they've got three mana, you've won before the die roll.

U/G
The deck smashes blue green, if they don't get a first turn birds or elf. They never get four mana to cast their Roars, and you can Spike away at their madness enablers or just set up a wizard lock before they get a chance to do anything. You may want to keep a couple of Hibernations in your sideboard for this guy, if you're fearing their better mana acceleration. The choice on what to remove from the main deck is yours; twenty-four lands might be excessive, and the one-drop wizards are expendable. Churning Eddy seems to also be a target worth taking out if they're playing heavy green. Let them Careful Study; Roar, and Wonder in the graveyard don't matter in this match. Save your counter for madness enablers.

AstroGlide
This guy should be too slow to do jack - especially the three-color variant. Keep their lands down and you'll be fine. If you let them get out the land to cycle stuff, start packing. Always spike Lightning Rift unless you're positive they won't have the mana (two) to cycle and use its ability. Three is the magic number on this guy; if he hits that, you get abused with Krosan Tusker and Slice and Dice. This guy is slow enough to beat as long as you keep him under three mana.

R/G Beats
Hopefully you wouldn't run into this guy with his 4 1 costing burn spells, Grim Lavamancer, and sideboarded Boils. I did beat this deck at States with an amazing hand and a second-turn Boomerang. If you can keep their land count low by returning land until you have counter backup for a patron you should be set but shock can ruin your day. The seven main deck mana accelerators are also bad times. I'm not sure how I won against this at states and I wouldn't count on it again. Thankfully, I didn't see much of this running around in Ohio.

MBC
Your biggest problem here are the Innocent Bloods, because they usually get in under a second-turn Patron. Smothers are also a pain because they can cause you to tap your wizards on your turn. Chainer's Edict is not a problem because of its two casting cost; it rarely slips in under your counter. The good news is that a resolved echoes does not usually spell game over - once they've used up the majority of their cards, you can beat them with just a few wizards. Beware Duress, though, as they can take away your good stall.

Sligh
It's time to survive. Your best hope of winning is to make him punch you and get disqualified, recommendations: Insult his mother; suggest he has no honor, hit on his girlfriend (note: not applicable with most players). Other than that... Hope to last long enough to Upheaval and get a wizard out; with their entire deck being burn, it's not going to happen right out of the gates. This is Mounce-A-Bounce's worst matchup.

Wake
If you see Krosan Verge first turn, smile; you just won. This was my last match at States, and I played him in several games just for sport after I smacked him 2-0. I might as well have written"Boomerang" on his Verge, and all the deck's spells are so high you get the lock in every time. Side out the Churning Eddies and put in some tiny wizards or whatever fits your fancy.

G/W Madness
Luckily, these decks aren't running around with mana acceleration. However, they do have a nice cast of fast creatures, as long as you can keep them off three mana, you should be able to survive - but once they get there, you're going to get buried under Wurms, Anurid Brushhoppers, and Elephants. Like every deck, be sure to bluff your way into the win: They don't know what you're playing, and two open blue mana says Counterspell to them.

Watch out for the Rootwallas after you play Upheaval, as they'll be coming down for free - though don't forget you can still Spike a Rootwalla.

U/G Opposition
This matchup is often decided by their first play; the average deck runs six mana-producing one drops, which is never good. If they don't drop an elf or bird on their first turn, you've got a pretty comfortable zone in which to set up the lock. Because Opposition costs four, they shouldn't be able to get it through; Phantom Centaurs also have a hard time landing. Just keep the Elves away and you'll be fine.

Braids
She costs four. If she does resolve, you're running 24 land and bouncing theirs. Sometimes it's fun to let her resolve and then beat your opponent about the head and shoulders. The BR version doesn't spell good times for you, so just remember it's the removal you should watch for, not the braids.

A note for this deck and anyone else who runs fetch lands: Do not bounce a fetch land; they will just sack it in response.

There are still cards that might be useful; I'm sure you've all been thinking about Aether Burst. But the objective of the deck is to not let them get creatures down. But if they're too fast, you might just want to start maindecking these - or at least sideboard them. Arcanis might also deserve a spot to accelerate you in the mid-game when you're looking for that Upheaval finisher. You can play around with Evacuation or Mana Breach. I wanted to use Breach, but I couldn't get past the fact that when I was winning, it seemed to slow me down more than them. It still deserves play testing.

I've heard talk of Words of Wind being a good card, it might not be a bad idea to pick up a card you wouldn't have been able to touch in the early game or a nice combo with Arcanis. Riptide Lab can save your targeted wizards or combo with Aven Fogbringer to send up a land every turn. Ghosthelm Courier can pump your Cephalids to make them gamestoppers instead of pingers.

Voidmage has been recommended to stop a game-breaking spell from getting through and Supreme Inquisitor can thin out their deck before you get off an Upheaval. Play around with it and see what version you like the most; there are 36 blue wizards in Standard right now. If you have the power 9 lying around, this deck can pull some pretty neat tricks with a first-turn Patron Wizard off a Black Lotus. (Um, and then they get Moxen, too, rendering it useless... - The Ferrett)

The sideboard is hard because the deck has very few cards you'd want to pull out. Sea's Claim is good against any deck that is mana intensive or has no way to use blue mana. It even helps stop Rootwallas from being pumped and Arrogant Wurms or his friend Wild Mongrel from seeing play. Annex is also a nice edition against any deck playing blue to speed your curve and take another land away from your opponent. When they start discarding every turn because they can't play anything, they may only keep two lands in hand.

Surprise them by actually stealing a land instead of making them pick it up. Hibernation is nice against heavy green decks and green tokens. Just know exactly what you're going to take out for them because mid match decisions are never easy. So play around with it and let me know how your versions faired.

Take your rogue decks out, start smashing tier 1, and smile. Because nothing is more fun than watching your girl stomp on MBC with her Web of Inertia graveyard destruction deck, which posted the same record as mine. The win is sweeter when you actually built the deck. Until next time, may your decks always be rogue and the room be filled with rumors about "That jank deck that actually works!"

Dustin "Wuv Muffin" Leimgruber

P.S. The author does not actually condone getting your deck ideas from Eminem.