It was time for a break.

I didn't expect to take two full months off from Magic... But since my Extended skills consist of picking up my opponent's card to read just what in the hell it does, it seemed like a good decision. So I decided to skip the whole mess and do something worthwhile, like straightening out my life.

Having utterly failed there, it was a short trip to my Magic file cabinet.

I began working on a new Standard deck for the upcoming Regional extravaganza. Sure, it's over two months away and Legions isn't legal 'till March - but why should I let little things like that stop me? Being the proud rogue deckbuilder that I am. I was going to build something different.

I was going to be original.

Get this: I had a crazy idea of combining Zombie Infestation with Zombie Trailblazer. Pitching Filth into the graveyard will give all my undead Swampwalk. And with the Trailblazer in play, I could tap any Zombie to create a Swamp for my opponent and make all my critters unblockable.

Neat idea, huh?

Problem is, getting this silly combo to go off is a pipe dream. In fact, any decent pipe would be insulted to have a dream like this. I never could create enough zombie tokens to make it worthwhile, so I switched gears and ditched the Trailblazer and Filth. Then I mixed in blue for card drawing and Wonder.

Hey, this didn't look too bad. In fact, all it needs is... Upheaval.

Dammit!

Back to work.

I was helped in my endeavor by a box of Legions I had pre-purchased from Star City (kissing up, I know). Opening the first booster pack revealed a Defiant Elf. Well, I guess it could only get better. Even if the Fugitive Wizard was right behind. I did find a foily Krosan Cloudscraper - a shiny thing that's sure to warm the heart of some nine-year-old who'll be willing to trade two, three, or perhaps even four really good rares for it.

My return to Rougher Country
Oh yeah; before I begin I want to tell you that everything you read below is true except for the"shouting into the midnight sky." part. I made that up because it would've been the perfect exclamation to my story. Unfortunately, I didn't think of it 'till the next morning, but I added it anyway for dramatic effect.

It all began innocently enough, I had no intention of playing any Magic on Saturday. I was seated in my local movie house watching"Shanghai Knights" when Roy O' Bannon uttered the phrase,"Who do you think we are, Okies from Muskogee?" That got me to thinking about two things. First, ol' Roy managed to reference a song that wouldn't be written for over eighty years. And second, that I hadn't seen my Muskogee brethren for over three months. Problem was, I didn't have a type II deck handy. What's a man to do?

Fortunately, there is Chris"I look like a 70's Porn Star, but I'm not really (wink)." Romeo. He who holds high honor in the ranks of common players everywhere. A month or so ago, he built a Goblin deck that was"just gonzo," without utilizing a single rare. Of course, it wouldn't be me unless I made a small change or two. So here's the deck I took;

Gonzo Goblins
4 Goblin Sledder
4 Goblin Taskmaster
3 Sparksmith
4 Goblin Raider
2 Firecat Blitz
2 Raging Goblin

4 Reckless Charge
4 Firebolt
4 Volcanic Hammer
4 Lava Dart
3 Blaze

20 Mountain
2 Barbarian Ring

Sideboard:
4 Pillage
4 Flaring Pain
4 Boil
3 Pyroclasm

I traded out one Sparksmith for an additional mountain, since I wanted a slightly better mana base - an important consideration when six of the spells ask for a land sacrifice in their flashback costs. Firebolt over Shock was a personal choice; I like it's ability to flashback.

Of course, I also like lemon meringue pie over chocolate.

Ahem...

Anyway, it was off to Rougher Country.

I had heard rumors that the contingent at the Nexus Computer store had grown. The last time I was there, about twelve gamers were confined into a small back room. This time, I was greeted by twenty-nine players who were crammed into basically the same space.

It was kinda like that old Star Trek show - you know, the one with Kirk trying to seduce that girl? Wait; that doesn't narrow it down much. Anyway, Kirk had beamed off the Enterprise into an exact duplicate of the Enterprise. But he still thinks he's aboard the Enterprise and meets this young hottie who's prancing about like it's St. Patrick's Day. But the ship is surrounded by billions of people who are looking for a little personal space. It was like that, only reversed with all the people inside and the young hottie outside dancing about 'cause she's glad she's not inside.

Okay, that's not the greatest analogy but maybe you get the picture.

After the usual greetings which included"Where the hell have you been?" and the like, I engaged in some bantering about the new set. Most of it was pretty innocuous, but some of them were excited about a new creature called"Fawje." Upon hearing this, I tilted my head just like the RCA dog listening to the phonograph.

"What was that creature again?"

"Fawje!" came the reply.

I muttered out a low"ooookay" and quickly shifted my eyes around, searching for another explanation.

"You know, Ken - the one where your opponent loses if it causes any combat damage to him?"

I perked up,"Oh, you mean Phage?! Phage the Untouchable" After all, I'd seen that Star Trek: Voyager episode that was obviously the inspiration. I knew how it was pronounced. Kate Mulgrew is never wrong!

But this was not Voyager, and these are not the typical Magic players I have met in Tulsa - or at Regionals, for that matter. They have their own unique dialect that's more obscure than Klingon twinspeak. A cavalcade of weird pronunciations, oddball nicknames, and fashion sense that defy even the most ardent sociologists.

It was just before pairings was announced that I was introduced to Clay.

At first glance, Clay seemed like the typical Magic teen. Rail-thin with a poorly fitted backwards ballcap perched atop his head. But sticking out from his cap just above his right eye was something I couldn't identify. It looked like a tag, but it was in the wrong place. One of Clay's buddies joined him and he had the same"tag" sticking out of his ballcap. Pat, who helps run the tournament, noticed my intense observation and immediately pointed to it:

"It's the Black Spork of Doom!"

These kids had a frickin' spork, like the ones you find wrapped in plastic with your Taco Bell dinner, tucked just under the cap. Clay offered no explanation, just that he and his pals like using plastic fast-food utensils as a fashion accessory. To add a little dramatic flair, someone at random will yell out;

"It's the Black Spork of Doom!"

Before I could run, Renee announced the pairings for the first match.

"Greg, you play Q-Tip. Cracker, you play Chris. Koonta...." and so on.

I decided to stay, if only to see how well Mr. Romeo's deck would hold up under these unusual circumstances.

Round One
Opponent: Clay's Sister
Deck Type: Mono Black Control with lots of fancy rares.

"Clay's Sister" is the official nickname of Krista - a spritelike teen whose small frame hides a real passion and confidence for the game. She also demonstrated how smart she was by finding a good chair and making enough space for us to play. I had to settle for one of those cheap canvas director-like chairs that sank under my ample frame. Clay, who was seated next to me, offered to switch, but he was sitting on a high-metal barstool that elevated him well above the table - higher than if he were standing, in fact. So I declined and started shuffling.

Now Clay's Sister did have a problem with Cabal Coffers. She kind of knew how they worked, but wasn't really sure. So to start an immediate argument, she asked her brother.

After a couple of minutes of airing out old disputes, we settled into the game.

Game One: I plunk down mountain, Goblin Taskmaster, which starts a wave of Goblins to hit the table on successive turns. She replied by building up swamps and occasionally killing off my critters with a Innocent Blood or Chainer's Edict. But I managed to keep a Goblin Raider in play and sent it to the dome repeatedly. With an occasional Firebolt here and Volcanic Hammer there. She held off the tide of red briefly with Corrupt, but didn't manage to stabilize the board until her life total was at three. At this time, I was at fourteen life with no creatures on the board. I had a Reckless Charge in my hand and was waiting to topdeck a Goblin so I could finish her off. Krista is no one's fool however, and plays Riptide Replicator for ten! Another turn passes with no results and she promptly creates a 10/10 Zombie from hell.

I am two turns away from being crushed when I pull Firecat Blitz. With five mana on the table, it's no problem to create four 1/1 kitties with haste that rush past her fat zombie and end the game.

Whew! That was a little too close.

Sideboard:
- 3 Sparksmith
- 1 Lava Dart
+ 4 Pillage

Game Two: Despite a good opening draw, I get mana flooded and can only put out the occasional Goblin. She has better luck with Corrupts and pings me twice with them. Then it's her turn to stall out and I manage to Reckless Charge a Taskmaster twice for seven damage. With a Firebolt and Raiders, I make a significant dent in her life total.

Then as expected, I run out of steam. Clay's Sister is sitting at seven life when she casts Haunting Echoes. Fortunately, I only have Raider, Hammer, and Taskmaster in the graveyard. Unwittingly, the Echoes thinned out my library enough that two turns later I drew out Blaze and ended the game.

Matches: 1 - 0
Games: 2 - 0

Gee, Chris Romeo was right. Blaze can be useful!

I puttered around the smaller rooms, seeing players sitting on the floor surrounded by trash from the original construction of the store and hundreds of Magic cards strewn about. Apparently, they were the property of"Wash Out" (another Chris), who works at the store. Ironically, Wash Out does not play at these tournaments (at least none that I've been to) and is content with sitting in the 'showroom' playing on the computers.

I guess once you're stuck with a nickname like Wash Out, there's very little motivation to do something about it.

Round Two
Opponent: Cracker (Jason)
Deck Type: R/G Beats

Last time I was here, Jason beat me in the quarterfinals. He seems a little despondent, despite displaying a plush chicken doll on top of his deck box.

Game One: Cracker goes first and plays Karplusan Forest, Bird of Paradise. I respond with mountain, Firebolt the bird. His look goes from despondent to depressed as he does not play another land for several turns. Turns that I use by hammering away with Taskmaster, Sledder, and the occasional Volcanic Hammer. He manages to get to three lands and play a Wild Mongrel, but it's too late; another Blaze finishes off his life total.

No Sideboarding

Game Two: This time, he's got plenty of lands and decides to use them. A turn 2 Wild Mongrel is quickly followed by an Arrogant Wurm. I manage to Sparksmith the Wurm, but the price is awfully high as he gets out not one, but two Roar of the Wurm tokens. I get his life total down to ten, but he puts mine at zero with plenty of green beef.

Game Three: I draw a decent opening hand, managing to get a Taskmaster and Goblin Raider on the board. He does a Game Two Replay, and soon I see Mongrels and Wurms and Fiery Tempers, oh my, coming my way. It doesn't help that I stall out at three lands with a now-worthless Blaze sitting in my hand. I concede before the mob hits.

Matches: 1 - 1
Games: 3 - 2

We get a little more elbow room, thanks to a few drops... But I'm not taking any chances and keep a nice folding chair alongside. It's comfortable seat, as well as a weapon in case a deranged wrassler enters the room.

Before the third round, I engaged in a little casual play with one of the regulars. I brought out my newly-created white deck and proceeded to ping him down to five life when his MBC (Lord, can someone just ban this and U/G Madness decks and be done with it?) finally took... Control. He made his first mistake by not using his Mirari to duplicate a Corrupt, which would've finished me off. Upon realizing his error, he made his second mistake by revealing it to the crowd.

"Will someone just slap me? I just forgot to use a Mirari!"

One of his pals took him up on the offer and grabbed the plush chicken doll, then beat him around the head with it. That's not a nice way to treat a chicken.

Round Three
Opponent: Pat (no nickname, I guess)
Deck Type: W/B Cleric

Pat was not in a great mood. He had lost his previous match to"Smokey."

Sidenote: Of all the phrases, nicknames, and general insults these guys have created, none reach the level of"Smokey." I do not know what it means and I don't really want to find out. On my last trip,"Smokey" was used in a general way, applied to any target of the moment. Now, it seems this kid has been stuck with that moniker. Whatever he did to earn it, I don't know; I just give him a wide berth every time I pass him.

After several years it seemed, Pat had abandoned his creatureless U/B deck and gone modern with this creation. I sensed that my fortune rested with how fast my critters could take him out - the faster, the better.

Game One: Fast enough, apparently. I win the die roll and hit with mountain, Taskmaster. For three turns, Pat has no response other than a look of disgust. A charged Raider does nothing to lighten his mood. His Rotlung Reanimator lasts a mere turn, thanks to my Sparksmith. The zombie token it created is zapped to dust thanks to a timely Firebolt. He manages a Cabal Archon, but it's not enough as I overrun him with Goblins.

Sideboard
- 4 Goblin Sledder
+ 4 Flaring Pain

Something told me that since he was playing white, I might see a Circle of Protection: Red or two.

Game Two: I had to mulligan for the first time all evening. What I'm left with is decent but not crowd pleasing, as Pat has enough time to establish Oversold Cemetery and Rotlung Reanimator. I manage to reduce his life total to seven, thanks to Lava Darts and Firecat Blitz. Unfortunately, I'm down to one measly land and I draw nothing but two mana critters and spells. Pat plays Circle of Protection: Red and swings for the kill.

Eeep. That was nasty.

Game Three: This time I go first and have to mulligan down to six again. I manage to pull a Flaring Pain and a few Goblins. Any hope I have, however, is crushed when Pat plays a turn 2 Circle of Protection: Red and a turn 3 Aegis of Honor. I keep going for a few more turns, but I quickly scoop and extend my hand once I realized that Pat wasn't going to tap out anytime soon.

I didn't stay long. A few goodbyes here and there punctuated the room as I left.

I was on my way home, traveling east towards Tahlequah when I realized that I was facing the state where Chris Romeo lives.

Sure, I could have played better.

I could take the responsibility myself.

But instead, I decided to blame him.

So I pulled my car over, got out and stood alongside the highway. I raised my arms and shouted into the midnight sky;

"Curse you, Chris Romeo! Curse you and the Black Spork of Doom!"

It was a moment worthy of Charlton Heston himself.

Ken McElhaney