Portland, Oregon has the normal events for Magic that you'd expect: Pro Tour Qualifiers, Grand Prix Trials, and the obligatory Junior Super Series qualifiers. Not being qualified for the Junior Super Series Championships yet, I found it necessary for me to attend the qualifier that was being held in the sleepy town of Corvallis, about two hours away from Portland.

Attempting to determine what the metagame will be like in Corvallis, I look at what has been winning the latest Nationals overseas. R/G? U/G? Psychatog?

Well, damn. There goes my plan of determining the metagame.

At this point, at about a week before the JSS, I have my choices narrowed down to two decks: R/G and U/G. I'm familiar with both decks, having qualified for the JSS championship last year with U/G, while extensively playing R/G for the last few months.

R/G? U/G? I didn't know which one would truly do better! R/G has trouble against Slide, while U/G has a shaky mana base. So I do what I always do when I'm stumped about Magic; I contact my friend Adam Sherman (rated 1907, at a healthy 7^th on the State bracket) about what I should play. He shows me a very solid version of U/G with a very solid sideboard.

Don't care about my deck and pre-game ramblings?? By all means, press Ctrl+F and type"Hundroog!" (Hundroog! No, not that one - The Ferrett)

The Shermanator

Creatures
4x Basking Rootwalla
4x Wild Mongrel
4x Aquamoeba
4x Arrogant Wurm
3x Wonder

Spells
4x Careful Study
2x Unsummon
3x Quiet Speculation
4x Circular Logic
2x Deep Analysis
3x Roar of the Wurm
1x Ray of Revelation

Lands
11x Islands
10x Forest
1x City of Brass

Sideboard:
4x Merfolk Looter
4x Turbulent Dreams
2x Gigapede
2x Spellbane Centaur
1x Wonder
1x Ray of Revelation
1x Krosan Reclamation

Most of it is self-explanatory, but I will explain the more questionable cards.

Unsummon:
As Jeff Cunningham stated in his article on Brainburst, the difference of one mana in its casting cost as compared to Aether Burst is huge. Leaving one blue open no longer means that you've got a Circular Logic in your hand; you could have an Unsummon as well. Bounce is great against R/G's Elephant Guides, their Call of the Herd tokens, and the U/G mirror match.

Quiet Speculation:
The advantage that this card gives is enormous. Against enchantments, I can search for Ray of Revelation. Against creatures, I can search for Roar of the Wurm. Against control, I can search for Deep Analysis.

Ray of Revelation:
Sure, it's a wasted slot in the mirror match, but it makes game one against Opposition and Astral Slide a lot better. In a pinch, you can always fetch it against Psychatog and shoot down a Compulsion.

Merfolk Looter:
This is a much better choice against Psychatog and the mirror - but in every other matchup, it's a horrible card. (It's horrible against G/W? - The Ferrett) This card wins games in the mirror match, however.

Turbulent Dreams:
Jeff Cunningham explains this well: This is the card that wins against R/G. It takes out Ensnaring Bridge and their whole defending force with one card.

Wonder:
I can hear it now. A Wonder in the sideboard? He must be a scrub!

The truth is, whoever gets the Wonder in the mirror wins - and with only three in the maindeck, I prefer to increase my chances of drawing one. (So you run less of them? I fail to understand the logic - The Ferrett)

Krosan Reclamation:
This comes in against the mirror, and possibly White/Green running Glory. If you draw your Wonder before I do, I can use this to stall until mine comes.

I am pretty confident with this deck as of now. It's got good matchups against virtually every deck, and thus can't be a bad metagame choice.

Sunday comes pretty fast, bright and early (well, maybe just early) in the morning. I wake up at 6:45 and take a shower (showers are underrated; some people should try them). I grab a quick bite to eat before my we leave for Corvallis. I double-check my sleeves to make sure that nothing is wrong with them, make sure that I've got all my cards and at about 7:30, we're off.

Arriving at 9:15 at the store, Pegasus Games (remember this name - it'll come up later), I quickly register for the tournament and look around the room, hopefully getting a sense of what people were playing. By about 9:30, I get a good impression that there will be a large amount of Astral Slide and U/G players here. Approaching the starting time of 10:00, I'm surprised at how few serious players I see in the room. I'm thinking that I've got a very good chance to score myself a scholarship and some material prizes. The time reaches 10:10 and the tournament hasn't started yet.

Listening to the conversations happening in the room for a few minutes and asking around a little, I can't believe what I'm hearing. They're planning on starting at 12:00, two hours later than they said?

You mean I could have slept in on a Sunday? You mean, I didn't have to spend two hours in a car after just waking up?

DAMMIT!

It seems that there was some mixup; they told a couple of people the tournament was starting at 12:00, and had to delay the start time. Oh, man, I really do feel sorry for that kid who came down from Seattle and arriving at about the same time I did (Seattle to Corvallis is going to take about four hours).

I talk to an acquaintance of mine, James Alfaro (who already has an invitation, damn him!) and he informs me that he called on Saturday, and they said it would start at 10:00.

Very interesting. I wonder how many people were actually told that it started at 12:00.

By this time, the small shop (and I mean small; there was only space for maybe four tables inside) had overflowed with people. I hooked up with Graham Taylor and talked for a while with him, it turned out that he was almost playing the same version of U/G that I was. I also ran into a guy by the name of Tom Saunders - and after talking for a while, I find out that he's a pretty nice guy. Anyway, talking with James, Tom, and Graham passes the time pretty quickly, and before long, the pairings are announced.

Hundroog! (Hundroog! - The Ferrett)

Round 1: Matt playing Blue/Black Millstone/Psychatog
After exchanging formalities, I win the dice roll and choose to play first. The first game, I drop a Basking Rootwalla on turn 1 and start beating with it. He drops land and passes the turn. I drop infinite creatures, and he drops infinite kill spells. I'm eventually able to kill him when he just runs out of gas.

I sideboard in a pair of Gigapedes, taking out two Wonders.

The next game isn't too much different, but Matt stalls on two lands, but in no way lacking creature removal. I keep dropping lands and threats, while he keeps killing them all off. I eventually drop a Gigapede, and swing once until he kills it. I drop a Wild Mongrel, an Arrogant Wurm, and a Roar of the Wurm over a couple turns with Circular Logic backup. That pretty much spells game for Matt, as he concedes with lethal damage on the board. It's unfortunate that Matt got manascrewed; he was a really nice guy to play against.

1-0 matches, 2-0 games.

After my match is over, I walk over and watch Graham's game. He's playing against Monoblack with Ensnaring Bridge maindecked. Understandably, Graham gets crushed until he sideboards Composts and Turbulent Dreams in.

Let me say this: No deck can stand up to the U/G God hand, or the double-Compost hand. James Alfaro scrubs out against Astral Slide with his bad, bad Opposition deck (that's right, Alfaro! It's bad!).

Now we get to the ranting part of my article. The tournament organizer and head judge, Marc Le Roux decides that a Mirari can copy a spell as many times as the players wants.

Alarm bells start ringing in my head. Red alert! Red alert!

Even after about every player says that he's wrong, he decides to enforce his decision.

Wow; I should have totally played Monoblack Control.

Round 2: Jesse with Blue control with a splash of white
I like my name getting called second off of the pairings list, but what I don't like is the table. I've got a feature match - but not the usual feature match. Mine is outside.

It's a warm day, and I'm wearing a black leather trenchcoat with black pants and a black shirt.

DAMMIT!

Anyways, on game one I'm quite confused as to what he's playing. He starts countering my stuff, but not before I can get a Basking Rootwalla down. My Rootwalla takes the game home, with his counters and bounce being put to use against more lethal targets.

This is the round that I started taking Adam Sherman's advice."Act like me, and you'll win the tournament!" he says. Not only is Adam Sherman a good player, but when he wants to win he can be the most hellishly annoying player in Magic.

Thinking he wouldn't be playing enchantments, I sideboard out Ray of Revelation and something else that I don't remember, and I side in Gigapede.

Turn 1, he drops a Telepathy on the board. All right; I can live with that. I Careful Study for a pair of Rootwallas. Whoo! I'd say I'm doing pretty well, despite only having an Aquamoeba as a discard outlet in my hand. On his turn, he drops a Circle of Protection: Green.

Great. All I've got to do is swing with my Aquamoeba for a few turns, and I'll win.

It turns out to be a lot harder than that. He drops a Circle of Protection: Blue, and starts preventing everything after killing my Aquamoeba. Okay, when I draw a Wild Mongrel and can protect it, I win.

Eventually, I get him down to three life because of must-counter spells and his inability to use the Circle of Protection, and I draw a Wild Mongrel with a Circular Logic in my hand. I drop it when he's tapped out, and pass the turn. He plays a land, and says go. I untap and attack with everything after changing the Wild Mongrel's color.

Unsummon? I don't think so, 'foo!

2-0 matches, 4-0 games.

As of now, I only need two more wins, then I can draw and be guaranteed into the Top 8.

Graham wins his game, while James gets the bye, that lazy fool. He was able to take a lunch break - something that I wouldn't be able to do for a couple of hours. On the bright side, Tom Saunders and I were exchanging jabs through the entire game, and I think that played out quite well for me. At the least, it was amusing for me.

I hear reports of another error made by the management, so I ask around about it. To my knowledge, you aren't able to sacrifice a Ravenous Baloth for life after it gets lethal damage from Contested Cliffs (and I am being sarcastic, thank you very much).

Wow, I should have totally played Beasts.

P.S. A word to the wise: Playing outside is usually bad, because it makes your cards slightly more bendable.

Round 3: Leif (pronounced life) playing White/Green
Hey, guess where I get to sit again! I get called second again, and get the prestigious honor of playing not only outside, but in the glaring sun. Again. Maybe the tournament organizer has something against me.

Worse, not only is my deck getting slightly more bendable, my sideboard is starting to warp. Adam Sherman is going to kill me.

Going first, Leif lays down a Basking Rootwalla. I lay a land and say go. He swings in with his Rootwalla and lays a Wild Mongrel. I match his Wild Mongrel with my own. On his turn, he madnesses out an Arrogant Wurm.

Dammit. He got the God draw.

I drop a Basking Rootwalla at the end of his turn, and discard a Wonder and attack. I take him down low with my Basking Rootwalla, Wild Mongrel, and my new Roar of the Wurm token. He matches my advances on the ground, covering his creatures with Glory. I eventually get lethal damage on the board with two Wild Mongrels holding the fort against Glory, and he concedes.

I sideboard in Turbulent Dreams against the expected Worship, taking out my Basking Rootwallas. Again, throughout this whole match, I was constantly trashtalking and being all out distracting. In hindsight, I wish I hadn't done that in this match, as Leif was a very nice guy, even after he lost to the trash talking, lucky U/G player.

Game two, we get in a creature stall, with him dropping a Worship. I drop lethal damage onto the board, discarding a Wonder, and Turbulent Dreaming the Worship. Pretty straightforward game.

3-0 matches, 6-0 games.

Wow. I'm feeling pretty confident as of now, despite the fact that I haven't played the Big 3 yet. I talk with Tom a little and get prepared for the next round.

Interestingly enough, this is the point at which they handed out the spiffy JSS Volcanic Hammers. Considering that some people drop after losing twice in a row, it's usually pretty bad to give out the promotional card at the end of the third round. I suppose that it's the fault of the people who dropped that they didn't get their Volcanic Hammers. While I may be a jackass in-game, I don't want to see people denied a portion of their entry fee back if that's all they're going to win.

Along the same lines, that's when the store started buying up all of the Volcanic Hammers for three dollars a pop, usable only on the"Feed the Goblin" game (called the"Dice Game" by the storeowners). I have a rather memorable quote for those who think they can actually win something of value in those games.

"Hey, at least your rare is Type Two." -Random employee

Round 4: Alex playing Psychatog
My name gets called first on the list, and that means I've got a feature match. Expecting to go outside into the sunlight and watch my sleeves melt onto my precious Wild Mongrels, I prepare for the worst - until I'm told that I have to play in a dark corner of the store, with stools that seem designed for people two feet shorter than me.

Game one begins with me dropping a Basking Rootwalla and swinging once, only to get it killed by a Smother. I follow up the beats with an Aquamoeba and another Rootwalla. I notice that he's casting one spell a turn, either a counter or a kill spell. Then I look at his land situation.

Oh, he's manascrewed. Good for me, I guess.

I board in Gigapede, taking out an Arrogant Wurm and an Aquamoeba. I watch him bring in twelve cards from his sideboard into his deck.

Great, just great.

I start off with resolving a Quiet Speculation, and fetching a Roar of the Wurm and a pair of Deep Analyses. He lays a Compulsion a couple turns later, and starts to cycle like a madman. Meanwhile, I draw lots of cards from Deep Analysis, Ray of Revelation his Compulsion, and let Alex put a bunch of my creatures into my graveyard. Bah.

The game turns around when I draw my first Gigapede. I play it, only to get it countered. I start recurring it, and it gets chump blocked by a Psychatog (Alex was at ten life at this point). I'm getting really tired of this matchup when I draw the one card that would let me go to Burger King: I draw my Gigapede, play it, and get a concession soon after.

4-0 matches, 8-0 games.

Woo hoo! At this point, I'm guaranteed into the top 8, unless my next two opponents absolutely refuse to draw with me, and I happen to lose to both of them. After reporting the match results, I ask how much time is left.

Seven minutes? Damn you, Doctor Teeth!

Round 5: Matt playing Green/White/Red Astral Slide
Matt and I decide to draw, as we're both guaranteed into the Top 8, and we both want to go get food. We grab Tom, and we go eat at Burger King.

Suspiciously, Matt towers over me, and has facial hair that Rogaine would use in commercials. For some reason, I doubt that he was fifteen. But he was friends with the judge, so what can I do about it?

Returning to the tournament site a good twenty-five minutes later, I scout a little more, see how everyone's doing regarding match scores, and sit down while hoping that I never have to eat Burger King again. That's the problem with Corvallis; the only places to grab a quick bite to eat are this Burger King and McDonalds.

When about five minutes are left in the round, James and I make the fatal mistake to step inside the store. I suppose that when you've been smelling something for the last eight hours, you get used to it... But after staying at least ten feet from the store for the last forty-five minutes, you're going to notice the stench when you step back inside.

"Someone must have s**t their pants in here!" -James Alfaro

We have a good laugh about it before being overcome by the noxious fumes. I'll tell you what: If you come up to me at a tourney and swear that you haven't smelled up the tournament site today, I'll give you a Goblin Firebug, signed by me. Okay? Deal.

Round 6: Graham Taylor playing U/G Madness
Obviously, I draw with Graham, and we hang out and talk for a while. Nothing real significant happened this round; people continued to lose money at the Feed the Goblin game and Graham, James and I continuously hit each other with water bottles (Looking forward to States 2006 - Kurtis"Fat Man" Hahn). Oh yeah; Graham tried to get James disqualified by stealing his deck from in front of him several times, but it's not as if that's important.

I was feeling pretty good about my chances here, I crush the mirror match, I beat R/G, and I do fine against the sole Psychatog deck. Right?

Top 8: Rob playing U/G Madness
I see a reasonable hand, so I decide to keep it. I start the trash talking, and I get on the offensive. I get him down to ten with little of consequence on his side of the board, a Wonder in my graveyard, when the judge threatens me with a match loss if I don't stop acting like a jerk.

What the hell?

I'm not claiming to be a judge, but I know that this is unreasonable. I am trashtalking at a REL 1 (rules enforcement level) tournament, and this so-called judge threatens me with a match loss. I think to myself,"Hah, what can he do? He'll never run a tournament again if he gives a match loss for this!"

Then I remember that this is the same judge that ruled Mirari can be used infinite times, and that Ravenous Baloth can be sacrificed after receiving lethal damage via Contested Cliffs. So I decide not to risk it.

That's when the game starts to go downhill for me. He starts making the right plays like making Roar of the Wurm tokens and discarding Wonder to his Wild Mongrel.

Damn that judge!

I resentfully shuffle up for game two, boarding in Merfolk Looters, the sole Krosan Reclamation and Wonder, as well as the Spellbane Centaurs. I take out three Basking Rootwallas, the Aquamoebas, and my Ray of Revelation.

While shuffling, I tell Rob that I'll play first.

"You're sure? You're absolutely sure that you don't want the card advantage?"

What the hell? This kid was using my strategy on me! (Which was, admittedly, duly stolen from Adam Sherman) And all this after overhearing the judge threaten me with a match loss! Does the judge, who's standing right there, care in the slightest? No. Not one bit. He ignores what the kid says to me, and keeps ignoring it throughout the whole second game. Needless to say, he also gets the God hand against me, and I'm soon packing up to go home.

"Damn, when you take away your annoyances, your plans go to s**t." - Marc Le Roux, Tournament Organizer and Head Judge

Gee, thanks for the reassuring words, Marc. No"good try, better luck next time"?

Not all stories end with a happy ending. This is one of them.

Props:

• Adam Sherman: Adam's a great guy. He loaned me a deck, coached me before the JSS and let me MODO with him. He's a good card player, but he really shouldn't go to tournaments inebriated (see Winning The Kentucky Open With U/G Madness' props section; it's an inside joke).
• Graham Taylor: If I can't win the JSS, you sure had better. A good player, and a very nice person.
• James Alfaro: Providing Graham and I with a laugh fest when his mom drove off, telling him that she was going home (he lives an hour and a half away from the site).
• Tristan Emmerson: For showing me how damn good Krosan Reclamation is in the mirror.
• Tom Saunders: This guy is hilarious. If you haven't talked to him, you're missing out (Tom Saunders Tom Saunders!).
• Leif (my round 3 opponent): He was a really nice guy, even after he lost. I wish more players were like you (including myself).
• Matt (my round 5 opponent): I still don't believe that he's only fifteen, but he's a nice guy who kept me company during round 5.
• You: The reader, the person who took the time to read the report of a kid. Thanks for not judging based on age.

Slops:

• Pegasus Games: I'm sure that this is a broad statement, but you guys can't really run large tournaments. You could definitely brush up on regulations and card rulings once and a while, guys.
• Dan Flan: For getting the"Green Mage" thing to stick. The phrase was used twice, Danny! Twice!
• Alon Lankri: You'd think that your friends would support you and want you to win.
• Rob (my top 8 opponent): Nice job not getting caught doing the same thing right after the judge threatened me with a match loss.

Please, I'd love email from my audience. Write to me with comments, critique, questions, anything!

Jason Schumacher
evil_desler@hotmail.com