I'm first and foremost a hardcore black player; I can't play without having a good amount of removal or disruption. My motto to the kiddos was always that"green/white can't win" - but for a few hours on Saturday, both Andy and I bent reality a little bit and changed that. I hope you enjoyed the report.

I want to extend"thank you"s to quite a few people - my testing partners and compatriots, Daniel"Puffy" Stoltzfus, Shawn Lovelett, George Resso, Kevin Jones, Andrew McEnemy and, of course, Dick Michelle for inspiration.

Round 10 - Dave Bass (41^st place), U/G Madness
I'm in 18^th going into the last round, so I know I can get the booty if I pull off a win. I guess I make it sound like there will be a harem of women waiting for the winners. Nothing is that easy, though.

Anyway, Dave is a nice guy - and even better yet, he's friends with The Devil! For point of reference, we affectionately refer to Mike Long as"The Devil" due to his hilarious dealings trading and buying cards. Watching such acts is always one of the highpoints of the day.

Back to the action.

I learn my lesson from earlier, and play a turn 2 Anurid Brushhopper, making sure to have an active Contested Cliffs on turn 3. I kill off his madness enablers, and he falls behind. Eventually, he casts Quiet Speculation (a.k.a. multiple Time Walks for me) and Glory keeps my team coming until it's over. Game two is a different story, as he gets"the draw" and crushes me. Game three features Anurid Brushhoppers on turns 2 and 3, and he stumbles on land. The game ends soon thereafter.

8-2/16-9.

Round 9 - Josh Friedman (80^th place), U/G Madness
Now I'm just playing for pride (well, and prizes). Josh had the standard U/G Madness deck that we've all come to love.

I draw many a land in Game One, which is offset by the fact that I do draw the Hurricane. I literally have nothing else, but if he draws Wonder I can possibly save the game. He doesn't, and I die quickly.

In come the Spellbane Centaurs as usual. I draw my hand and see one land, but there are three mana creatures and a Spellbane Centaur. Hmmm... Tough call...If I draw land, I should be okay, I think, since he won't be able to bounce my mana creatures in the meanwhile. I decide to keep the hand, but he mulligans down to five cards. I play a turn 2 Spellbane Centaur, but never draw the second land. Luckily, I keep playing creatures, and a Glory in the graveyard is enough help to rush him.

Game three, I get ready to lose. I play a turn 2 morph, make it an Exalted Angel on turn 3, and expect him to do the Wild Mongrel-ditch-Wonder-and-two-other-cards-and-block-it trick. He doesn't, and that's basically it.

7-2/14-8.

Round 8 - Andy Stokinger (9^th place) Master Apothecary WW
Now, I know Andy, so I'm excited to play him. Realizing that I can still top 8, I get down to business. That is, until we start...

He's playing White Weenie! What the hell??? I read about this deck, so I know what's in it, but I didn't test against it at all... And I can't imagine it's a good matchup for me. He drops a turn 3 Master Apothecary with two other clerics on the board and eventually makes a ton of Battle Screech tokens for the win.

Game two, he decides that he'll thrash me with two Exalted Angels.

There's really not much to say here; I wasn't in either game. The best part of either game was doing the last two points to myself with the Hurricane, to which he actually thought about preventing with the Master Apothecary.

6-2/12-7.

Round 7 - Will Parshall (88^th place), W/G Madness
Hey, a mirror match - or close to it!

Game one, I make a horrible error: I play a first-turn Llanowar Elves instead of Birds of Paradise, and it cost me the game. Looking at my hand, I thought I didn't need the Birds - but when he proceeds to drop a morph on turn 2, I know that I'm in trouble. I have Contested Cliffs, and my second-turn play is an Anurid Brushhopper, but I now have no red mana to kill the morph. He even has Glory to protect it, and that's game.

Game two, it's my turn to morph. I get an Exalted Angel, who offsets most of his beats and I take the game.

Game three, he gets a fast start. He's got Arrogant Wurms and Basking Rootwallas, both of which make his Wild Mongrels better than mine. Just when I think I'm doing the correct math, he drops Glory. He goes for an all-out attack, but I flash back Beast Attack and sac the token and a Ravenous Baloth, leaving me at two. I sit and think for a minute...

There are three cards that can still save me, as he's at six life. I draw, hoping to see the Worship that I sided in, but instead get an even better surprise. With me still at two, I counterattack him down to one life... And tap two mana to Hurricane for one and the win!

Fun stuff. He actually asked me"for real?"

6-1/12-5.

Round 6 - Yan Margolin (1^st place), Angel Wake
I sit down across from Yan, of whom I've only heard horror stories. He's rambling about how he's never seen his deck before today, but how he's demolishing everyone anyway. He's also got"the best first-turn play in the game," which is apparently Krosan Verge. I drop a Brushland/Llanowar Elf, and he proclaims that it's game. Confused, I continue to play, but Yan is either the happiest man on Earth or very deranged. Sitting there, he reminds me of a bobblehead doll.

Anyway, both games one and two he demolishes me with an unending array of Moment's Peaces, Chastises and Wrath of Gods. I wasn't in either of these two games, and he didn't even need to do any funny business with Mirari's Wake; Exalted Angels took care of business.

5-1 10-4.

Round 5 - Christopher Arcelli (69^th place), MBC
More MBC! I'm really glad that I kept the Composts in my sideboard.

I begin to put on pressure, and he plays a Nantuko Shade. He serves, pumping it to a 12/12 (thanks to Cabal Coffers), but Reprisal removes it. A Corrupt delays his death, but only for a turn.

Game two, he stalls on land. I attack with a Ravenous Baloth, an Anurid Brushhopper, and a Beast Attack token until he's dead.

5-0/10-2.

Round 4 - Mike Ricciardi (247^th place), U/G Madness
I've seen this cat around before: He's got a standard U/G deck, complete with Unsummon tech. Man, how I love the 'net. Every round, I know every card in my opponent's decks, and even their strategies.

Anyway, I take game one in a Glory-filled race. Reprisal helps keep the Roar of the Wurms at bay. I've decided that as soon as I see Quiet Speculation, I need to fill the board and swing every turn or else I have no chance...And it seems to be working so far. I bring in the Spellbane Centaurs.

I think I made a mistake in this game, where we had a creature stalemate. My thinking was that if we stall, the person who draws more cards is going to win, and the other person needs to be the aggressor. He's got two Merfolk Looters on the table, and I'm just swinging wildly into him hoping for anything. I get him to two life when I'm at four, and set him up for the possible Hurricane kill. Unfortunately, his one card in hand is a Circular Logic. He got a good laugh out of it, though.

Game three, I get early beats again (I guess that's really a given). We trade for a bit, and the situation becomes this: I'm at six, he's at four. I've got Cities of Brass working me overtime, so I have to be careful with my mana. He's got a Wild Mongrel and Aquamoeba (with"Wonder Advantage"), while I've got a newly-drawn Glory. I take a damage to play her (or it?) and pass my turn. He has no cards, makes his draw, and attacks with both. So I know he doesn't have Deep Analysis, at least, which would probably be game for me. I block the Mongrel, forcing him to pitch his card to take dear Glory with it. Life total is now four to four.

I draw, and it's another Glory. Nifty! If only I had enough mana to protect it as well... But I don't. I go down to three and pass my turn. He draws, serves, and I trade as he pitches his card. I hate living off of the top of my deck, and since all of his guys are fliers I'm at a certain disadvantage here. My draw is probably the best thing I could have gotten - Spellbane Centaur, who protects himself! He draws land, and on my turn I draw a Wild Mongrel and attack him to one. I don't play the Wild Mongrel, since he can't target my creature anyway - and even if he somehow has a Smother or something weird like that, I can give it protection with Glory.

I figure the best he can do is draw a Deep Analysis and draw into a Wild Mongrel of his own, with a card to change color (to protect it from Glory). Even still, I could have paid six and just given double protection, so it's a moot point. He draws another land and that's game.

4-0/8-2.

Round 3 - Angelo Giordano (347^th place), MBC
Ah, an opponent whom I've faced before. We were matched up in a draft where I was playing six Lay Wastes, Silvos, Rorix, and Weird Harvest to get them.

Actually, that sounds a lot like OnBC.

Angelo has a fairly standard mono black deck. He draws lots of cards, Mutilates a few times and has some removal to slow me down. I make sure not to play out my entire team, and utilize Beast Attack to its fullest. I have a Ravenous Baloth (a beast with a bow tie!) in play, and strategically only play other beasts so that he can't Corrupt my creatures. He draws some extra cards, but it's not enough to overcome my literal beast attack.

The Composts and Epicenters come in from the board, as well as one Ray of Distortion just in case of any funny business. Exalted Angel comes out - I figure she's too slow here.

Game two, Angelo cycles his Undead Gladiator almost constantly, but seemingly draws only land and I just run him over.

3-0/6-1

Round 2 - Andrew Levine (435^th place), Tog
Now, don't get me wrong - I don't think Psychatog is an unwinnable matchup for me. It's just not much fun to play against.

Game one, I get creatures on the table and swing (which is pretty much all the deck does, as there are thirty-three creatures in it). At one point he Cunning Wished for Hibernation, but I just replayed everyone again and continued the beating. I can see that Beast Attack really gives Tog decks fits. I use a Contested Cliffs to kill his chumping Psychatog and the rest is pretty much history.

For game two, I bring in Spellbanes and also the Epicenters. There's really not much of a story here... I just played creatures and turned them sideways until he was mush. He seemed to get very poor draws, and confirmed that after we were done.

2-0/4-1

Round 1 - Kevin An (344^th place), U/G Madness
I check the pairings and realize that I've heard of this guy before.

Game one, he gets the early beats, but I manage to score not one but two Exalted Angels. They keep me in an otherwise-unwinnable game, but he eventually overcomes me from one life.

I side in the three Spellbane Centaurs, making his bounce useless in game two. I use my secret tech to the effect of a Wrath of God/Fireball for him and I win the race. Game three is more of the same. We both develop in the early game, but I have the early beats - and before he can stop the bleeding, the Hurricane seals the deal.

1-0/2-1

Anyway, enough of all that - let's get to the matches!

So we set out at around 7 a.m. for the two-hour trip to New Jersey - the state that has the most screwed-up traffic situations on Earth, where you have to make five right turns in order to make a left turn. Strange place.

Making the trip: First, Puffy Stoltzfus (with a modified R/G deck). Puffy is the person who I bounce most of my ideas off of; he's got a great mind for the game and is often willing to try some of the freaky things that I come up with. Also with us: Andrew McEnemy (Beasts variant). If it was possible for a human to be an Elf, then Andrew is the living embodiment of that. His decks always feature green, whether it be G/R, G/U, or G/W. He's toting a Beast deck that I helped design with him the night before.

Next up is Chris Siletzky, master of the Opposition deck... And finally, my younger brother Kevin Jones, with a near-standard R/G deck. If any of you see him, please let him know that Seton's Scout is not better than...Well... Just about anything that could go in this deck.

In retrospect, the Worship may not have been as useful as I thought. I already had seemingly-good matchups in the games where I'd be bringing it in. It's a good surprise, but some decks had maindeck answers to it anyway. I think the better option would be to run more Hurricanes (yes, I hear your laughter). I'd really like two maindeck somehow.

The Ray of Distortions were the best $0.50 that could have spent. I originally had two Naturalizes, but I feared Ensnaring Bridge, and thought that it was possible that two wouldn't be enough. What I found was that the Distortion was huge against MBC, as Duress couldn't punish you as much. Lucky me, I guess. Funny how bad cards are good sometimes... And I guess Epicenter falls into that same category. For those who don't understand, you bring it in against control. It was a backbreaker against MBC, and I brought it in against Tog and Wake, but never used it there. I think it's effective in those matchups. Beast Attack is very adept at making opponents bend over in those same matchups.

4 Birds of Paradise
3 Llanowar Elves
4 Wild Mongrel
2 Reprisal
4 Anurid Brushhopper
4 Call of the Herd
3 Exalted Angel
3 Phantom Centaur
4 Ravenous Baloth (Beast With a Bow Tie!)
2 Beast Attack
3 Glory
1 Hurricane
4 Wooded Foothills
4 Brushland
3 City of Brass
2 Contested Cliffs
6 Forest
3 Plains
1 Mountain

Sideboard:
2 Worship
2 Epicenter
3 Spellbane Centaur
3 Compost
2 Ray of Distortion
2 Ray of Revelation
1 Gigapede

I've been working on this deck for two months, playing it at our local card store, Tony's Cards in Kingston, NY. Every Saturday, we have Type 2 tournaments with about forty people involved, and I've been doing quite well with the deck, so I figured I'd give it a shot at Regionals. The best advice that anyone could give is to play a deck you know inside and out; no matter what that deck is, you're going to do better than if you just picked it up for the first time that day (unless you're Yan Margolin). Of course, I added my own personal touches to the deck, and the metagame that I tested it in probably wasn't the most accurate representation, but anyway... Without further ado, here is the deck:

Greetings! Having a good amount of"game notes" and no other use for them, I figured I might as well write a Regionals '03 report. The tournament was a large one, with around five hundred and thirty players... Lots of"net decks" abounded, but there were also some very rogue additions at the upper tables. Let's get this sucker started. I want to do something different - and in honor of Memento, my favorite movie, I'm going to tell this story in reverse just for the hell of it. The majority of you probably aren't reading it for the story anyway.