I think I might know you. You're sick to death of long, drawn out matches against control decks in today's Standard environment, but you just don't want to stoop to playing Goblins. You've tried to make White Weenie, but it feels like showing up at a knife fight with a really sharp banana.

You've spent at least one hour of your life trying desperately to make a playable deck list for Stompy 2004.

And failed.

Miserably.

You've tried"Aggro Affinity" and it still feels every bit as wrong as the twelve counter version, Shrapnel Blast or no. You, my Magic playing friend, are suffering from Beatdown Withdrawal, and I have the cure for what's ailing you!

This deck was born out of Alvin Lau's Shrapnel Blast/ White Weenie deck posted a couple of weeks back. I played that deck and had reasonable results with a second place finish at Collector's Paradise, our fine local gaming shop here in San Fernando Valley. But I had to get lucky to beat one U/W deck, and lost to another in the final. Maybe it was just me misplaying the deck, but it just felt like such a mighty struggle battling Wrath of God, Exalted Angel, Decree of Injustice and Bad Counterspells. Along the way, I did take note of the fact that Raise the Alarm was really good. Imprinting Raise the Alarm on an Isochron Scepter was really, really, really good. Playing creatures on my controlling opponent's end step felt so righteous to me that I wanted more.

So I went home and started looking for what I wanted; Instant Speed Creatures! Before long, the initial draft of the following deck seemingly fell out of my collection, into some sleeves, and started begging to be tested. So I tested it... and it was good. Really, I mean it, this deck has serious game against the field. So without further ado, I give you...

Sea Monkeys* (instant dudes)
4 Shrapnel Blast
4 Shock
4 Savannah Lions
4 Raise the Alarm
4 Vitality Charm
4 Birds of Paradise
4 Troll Ascetic
4 Caller of the Claw
4 Bonesplitter
4 Isochron Scepter
4 City of Brass
4 Ancient Den
4 Tree of Tales
4 Great Furnace
2 Forest
1 Plains
1 Windswept Heath

Sideboard
4 Naturalize
3 Viridian Shaman
4 Xantid Swarm

4 Pyroclasm

Okay, so at first glance I bet I know a few things you are thinking:

1) It is three colors with only twenty land

2) It has Vitality Charm

3) It has so many"Four-of's" that it can't be very well tuned

4) Playing Pyroclasm in the sideboard of a weenie deck is pretty dumb. Allow me to discuss these first impressions with you...

1) Between Birds of Paradise and City of Brass, we have access to all the colors we need. The deck is primarily Green with a White"splash" for Raise the Alarm and Savannah Lions and a more accurate Red splash for Shock and Shrapnel Blast. I use quotes for the White splash because we want White mana turn 1 for the Lions, whereas the Red splash can wait a bit to come online. Keep in mind that three of the four spells we are splashing for can be imprinted on Isochron Scepter to great advantage, and without requiring any colored mana. Also, no spell in the entire deck costs more than three total mana to cast, and only Troll Ascetic has double colored mana in its cost. You can easily and effectively keep a one-land hand (obviously Tree of Tales/ Forest/ City/ Windswept Heath) with Birds of Paradise and still get your game on the table soon.

2) Vitality Charm is way better than you think, even in a deck with no beasts. Paying a single Green mana to make a 1/1 Insect token at instant speed is usually much better than playing a 1/1 flyer for one White mana (screw you Suntail Hawk!). Our little grasshopper buddy can appear out of thin air to chump and/or gang block with his pals. He can suit up with a Bonesplitter and lay the wood. He can arrive at end of turn to throw off opponent's math. And let us not forget that V-Charm can give your dudes trample in a pinch.

Or that... and this is a big one... It Can Be Imprinted In Isochron Scepter! He's like Raise the Alarm's little brother. Not quite as much punch perhaps, but plenty of versatility to make up for it. (A quick aside - I love the new StarCity Games tokens, but the otherwise bitchin' Insect Token is the next in a long line of Magic"cards" with non-flying creatures that have wings in the picture. What's the deal?)

3) I don't know what to say about this one except that I've tried messing with the numbers, particularly to decrease the four Shocks and four Bonesplitters, and it just makes the deck less consistent. As it is, Sea Monkeys seems to play out very similarly every game, thanks primarily to the four-of everything, including most of the land. Feel free to mess with some of the numbers and let me know if you can improve its performance, but as of right now the card list feels very elegant, aerodynamic, and somehow just correct to me.

4) Well, you just have to try beating Goblins without Pyroclasm to understand this card's presence in the board. I'll get to the matchups soon, but trust me when I say drastic measures are needed to stay competitive in this one. Other things to keep in mind regarding our boy Pyroclasm; Troll can regenerate; Caller can replace your dead Birds and Lions; Vitality Charm can save Trolls (if you only have one Green left) as well as Caller of the Claw and his friendly Bear Tokens (the only other potential two-toughness dudes in the deck). Look, I know it's ugly but I've tried lots of other ideas, including COP Red, and they just don't work. We don't have the mana to make the Circle effective. Cycling Slice And Dice costs one more and does less damage.

Before I dive into matchups here are a few more notes on some of the individual card choices I made...

Let's start with a bit more on the splash cards and why we need them. Raise the Alarm makes instant dudes and can be imprinted. He was the spark that got this deck going in the first place. Savannah Lions are the best aggressive one-drop in the game. Shrapnel Blast is"The Finisher From Hell," also known as"The Two-mana Burn Spell That Ate My Exalted Angel." Shock is the weak link, but spot removal is good, especially when it can go to the dome and can also be imprinted. I had these in the board at first and the deck just felt removal light. We need to be able to clear a path for our low toughness attackers and Shock is the best man for the job.

Caller of the Claw
Yes, I know his ability doesn't work with the hordes of tokens this deck creates. But he is still amazing, trust me. Everyone is running Wrath of God these days, and Caller eats Wrath for breakfast. Lay the quick beats and keep your mana up on turn 4. All you need is one Troll, Bird, Lion, or another Caller on the board (and preferably multiples) and you have The 101st Grizzly Bear Regimen in place for the second wave of attack. Hopefully with a Bonesplitter online and ready for duty ta boot.

I often find myself playing an unneeded Birds of Paradise on turn 4 (with 3 mana up for Caller) just as fodder for a Wrath I know my opponent has to play this turn. Also, don't think he isn't solid as a 2/2 for three at instant speed (catching onto the theme yet?). What's that you say, tapping out on my end step for Thirst of Knowledge? In response I'll put a threat on the board, mmmkay?

So how does Sea Monkeys perform under pressure you ask? How does it stack up against today's heated Standard environment? Pretty damn well, that's how. I'm not going to list win/loss percentages because I find them misleading. To me matchups are very dependant on the specific build of the opponent's deck. I will instead use the categories of Lousy, Poor, Even, Good, and Great and try to address the matchups in general terms.

Blue White Control
Analysis: Good to Great

Instant creatures tend to neuter the effectiveness of the various counterspells, and the other threats we have are so cheap that it is easy to play multiples on a given turn anyway. Caller of the Claw is devastating here, especially when they don't see it coming. Save Shock to kill morphed Angels. Resolve Isochron Scepter imprinted with Shrapnel Blast or Raise the Alarm and they better find Akroma's Vengeance soon or die. Keep in mind that if they Stifle the imprint ability on your Scepter you get to keep the card you were attempting to imprint! Do not remove it from the game, that bad boy is still in the grip! They may attempt an alpha strike with Decree of Justice tokens and you can throw off the math with instant blockers, leaving them open to an attack of your own.

Sideboard, +4 Xantid Swarm, -4 Shock

Hopefully they saw a Shock in game 1 and will avoid morphing Exalted Angel in game 2. Shock is your worst card in this matchup, except in that one scenario where there is an upside down card on your opponent's board on turn 3. Bringing in Xantid Swarm makes it safe to drop Trolls on your second main phase without fear of disruption. If they know how to properly play Wing Shards they can still get it off (put Swarm's ability on the stack and cast Shards in response) so it is often worth attacking with Birds of Paradise along with him just in case. Bonesplitter sits nicely on both of these evasion creatures.

Counterspell Affinity
Analysis: Even to Good

The more controlling their deck, the better off you are. Again, you use their end step to your advantage and throw off the math by adding to your creature count when they don't expect it. Respond to Thirst for Knowledge with Dudes! Shrapnel Blast Myr Enforcers to clear a path! Use Shock on Frogmites! Chumpblock Broodstar with Birds! [I see Steve is a recent graduate of Monster Truck announcing school. - Knut]

They shouldn't have much, if any, mass removal, so load up the board with threats and hit hard and fast. Don't hold onto Caller of the Claw for long, just look for a chance to get one extra bear with him and you should be alright. Remember, you can chump block a Myr Enforcer with several dudes (not tokens though!), not to deal lethal damage, but to get your Birds of Paradise and Savannah Lions good and dead, then Call up a counter attack! Also, every Troll you resolve shuts down Frogmites and Enforcers and forces Affinityboy to either play lots of threats, or narrows his win condition to Broodstar.

Sideboard, +4 Naturalize, +3 Viridian Shaman, -4 Shock, -2 Bonesplitter, -1 Vitality Charm

I'm tempted to bring in Xantid Swarm to help deal with counters, but the Pyrite Spellbomb and Aether Spellbomb combo shut him down pretty good. Instead, the anti-artifact package comes in and blows stuff up. Imprinting Naturalize on Isochron Scepter is really good here. Shocks are pretty much one-trick ponies in this matchup, although they can occasionally team up with a Savannah Lions and kill a Myr Enforcer. Again, it is good for them to see the Shock game 1 and hopefully play around it game two after it's gone.

Aggro Affinity
Analysis: Even

They will try to explode in your face and kill you first. No sitting back on counters and falling into the"oh your main phase is over so I'm safe" mode that we can use against the more controlling version. There are so many different versions that it is tough to get a definitive read on the matchup. Just remember not to waste any time and go to the dome with Shrapnel Blast to hurry things along. Always take into account your opponent's Shrapnel Blast potential when assessing the need to block.

Sideboard, +4 Naturalize, +3 Viridian Shaman, -4 Vitality Charm, -3 Shock

Pretty similar, but we'll keep the Bonesplitters around to try and race. Vitality Charm is less valuable since we don't need to play instant dudes to get around counters.

R/W Astral Slide
Analysis: Poor to Even

Caller of the Claw is your best friend here. They will be so removal-riffic that you will have trouble keeping your team alive. A timely Caller can give you some extra-oomph, particularly post-Wrath of God or Slice and Dice. Try to get them in Shrapnel Blast range and be very wary of instant speed, cycleable life gain spells that can make you look really stoopid. If you have a choice, always put Bonesplitter on Troll Ascetic, because your other guys ain't gonna last long. Try to get a Scepter imprinted with Raise the Alarm (or Vitality Charm) to give you an endless stream of dudes to play around their endless stream of removal. Pre-sideboard this is a tough matchup, to say the least.

Sideboard +4 Naturalize, -4 Bonesplitter

Bonesplitters are pretty dead here, because your guys have to live to put them to use. Naturalize kills Lightning Rift and Astral Slide. Pure Genius.

Mono Black Control
Good

MBC has always been limited by its reliance on powerful Sorceries, and Sea Monkeys is poised to take advantage of that weakness. Hit hard and fast because Extraplanar Lens can fuel humongous Consume Spirits and put them out of range. It will be tempting to try and play around Infest, Oblivion Stone and/ or Decree of Pain, but that is not the advised plan. For starters, the Infests are probably in the board, except maybe one as a Diabolic Tutor target.

Also, by holding threats, you can walk into a Mind Sludge that could end your day (Always ask yourself how bad a Persecute would hurt based on the color of cards in your hand. With eight artifacts and three colors of spells you are usually fairly safe). Troll and Caller are again workhorses, able to screw up mass removal plans if given the chance. Remember that Vitality Charm can save your dudes (especially a Troll!) from Infest and/ or Cycled Decree.

Sideboard, +4 Naturalize, +3 Viridian Shaman, -4 Shock, -3 Bonesplitter

Ah, the anti-artifact package. MBC doesn't work without artifacts and you have lots of ways to kill them. This package is one of the primary differences (besides the instant speed dudes) between the White Weenie Scepter deck and Sea Monkeys. As in many matchups against control decks, the Shocks don't have enough targets to stay in and the Bonesplitters have trouble against removal heavy decks. Always kill Extraplanar Lens first, since it fuels all the broken stuff MBC can do. Unless of course an Oblivion Stone is about to wreck your Shrapnel Blast imprinted Isochron Scepter, in which case kill the Stone and go ahead and win.

Goblins / Goblin Bidding
Analysis: Lousy to Poor

This one is a bitch. Seriously. You can win though, usually with Shock-on-a-stick, or a timely Caller of the Claw, and Troll Ascetic also shines in this matchup. If they aren't prepared, they might attack into instant blockers and lose some key guys. Be ready for cycled Gempalm Incinerator before blockers are declared though. Oh yeah, and Kill, Kill, Kill Goblin Sharpshooter. You will lose to him if he sticks around. Bidding will also probably kill you if it goes off. Siege-Gang Commander is a pretty serious problem. The whole deck is a friggin' problem. Please speak up if you have some answers for this one.

Sideboard, +4 Pyroclasm, -4 Bonesplitter

I addressed the Pyroclasm issue earlier and I stand by this as the best play available.

So there you have it, a truly competitive new aggressive deck for your Magic: The Gathering pleasure. I have really enjoyed taking the world of creatures out of the main phase and into the nooks and crannies of the game where control decks have dominated in the past. Give Sea Monkeys a try for yourself and leave the Beatdown Fever behind!

Steve Giles

*Is the name"Sea Monkeys" already taken? It rings a bell to me but I can't place it. The idea of instant creatures seems like a perfect fit for that name. If it is taken already, my bad. Someone out there must have another idea...