How many of you are spending countless hours tuning and testing for the Regionals metagame? Why are you wasting all that time? Chances are I already have you beat, and, for only ten easy payments of $19.95, I will tell you how I accomplish that.

Or...

I could do it for free right here.

My method of winning involves one key term: Intimidation.* It's all about the mental game. With the right mix, your opponent won't even show for your match. Now, it's time to get into it...

I will discuss two types of intimidation today: actual and virtual. While many theorists will say that there are many more than just these two, and they may be correct, I feel those other theorists are poopyheads. Consequently, their opinions don't matter.

Be Like Drago
Not Draco, the huge creature and combo piece to the Draco-Explosion deck, but Drago. As in Ivan Drago, the villain from Rocky IV. At one point in the movie Drago stares Rocky down and says,"I will break you." This speaks to a main component of Actual Intimidation: the pre-match stare-down. Instead of smiling congenially and shaking your opponent's hand, get into his grill, stare him right in the eye, and say,"I will break you" in your best Russian accent. If you are Russian, heck, you're halfway there. If you've developed an effective stare-down, you will know, as your opponent will feel the necessity to void his bowels and/or cry. Ahh, nothing makes me happier than making an eight-year-old playing Goblin Bidding start to cry and then make a dookie in his pants. It smells... of victory!

Something to help you with your stare-down is developing a reputation. If you have the reputation of being one tough hombre, half of your stare-down is taken care of. Here is my method for developing a rock hard rep, given in easy to follow, step-by-step instructions.**

First, make sure you have a lot of money or medical insurance for the inevitable colonoscopy that will follow your reputation building.

Second, head to your local store tournaments. A nice Friday Night Magic event, or informal tournament is a good choice.

Third, remember to bring a lot of extra cards to said tournament.

Fourth, during your game(s), whenever your opponent destroys one of your permanents, calmly look him in they eye, tear up the card, and then eat it. After you're done swallowing, look at him again, and say,"I own you."

While you're in the hospital waiting for the stomach pump to get done, word will spread that you're"One Crazy MoFo" and no one will be able to stand up to your ultimate tool- the stare-down.

The Zen of Macchio
How many of you have seen The Karate Kid Part III? [It does not exist. - Knut] Come on, admit it, you've seen it. [Nossir, that movie was never made, nor did Hilary Swank participate in any movie called"The Next Karate Kid." - Knut] Admittedly, it was without the acting prowess of William Zabka, but I thought it could teach us a lot of stuff about perseverance, integrity, and intimidation.

Do you remember those scenes where Thomas Ian Griffith (in his tour de force role as Terry Silver) tells Daniel-san that"if your opponent can't (see/breathe/walk) he can't fight?" I knew you did. We can apply that to Magic in the field of Virtual Intimidation.

Magic players are seen as a smelly, unwashed mass. Use that to your advantage. Regionals are May 1^st? Stop showering... now. Stop wearing deodorant. Throw personal hygiene out the window, folks, because you can win without it. Start doing daily activities that make you sweat. Run, play video games, talk to girls... do anything that makes the juices start flowing. We're not talking normal body odor here, people, we're talking stench. If canaries die as you pass, you are just about there. Your odor should be so strong, so repellant, that your opponent won't be able to see their cards because of the tears in their eyes.

If possible, get a seat with the wind at your back blowing into your opponent's face. Whenever you achieve a good play (even so mundane as laying a land on the first turn), raise your arms and celebrate wildly. Eventually your opponent will either a) leave, due to nausea or b) pass out due to lack of oxygen. Either way it equals one thing... a match win for you!

If you are having issues achieving the requisite smell, might I suggest a change in diet. About a week heading up to the tournament, start eating nothing but cabbage and Taco Bell™. *** The goal here is to achieve methane saturation, so that your stores will be nice and full come the day of the tournament. After that, let fly. I'm sure your opponent will be begging for mercy come game 2.

This One's For the Ladies, but Fellas, Listen up
Ladies, you have your own special form of intimidation. Have you ever noticed that you are stared at whenever you enter an event? You may have also noticed that, at said event, you're having trouble having conversations as people tend to stutter, stammer, and sweat profusely in your presence (that is, unless you run into the sexual manimals that are Geordie Tait, Ted Knutson, or Antonio De Rosa... I mean, look at those pictures... ladies, you have to swoon****). If you have noticed the above symptoms, you have to face the facts: you are a Magic hottie. Use that to your advantage. Make statements to the effect that you find little pieces of cardboard with pictures of fantasy animals on them sexy. Or say that you are turned on by pheromones. Or, perhaps, even, that your last boyfriend was Fabio and you're so tired of"the jock type." This is the most insidious form of intimidation as it will completely throw your opponent off his game... and, as such, it is entirely endorsed by me.

Also, do not forget to play the cleavage card. There is no stronger weapon in your arsenal.

And Finally...
There you have it, the RK01 method for winning Magic without even really trying. I guarantee***** that if you use the above methods that you will win Magic, achieve all your dreams, marry a cheesecake-caliber model, write the Great American Novel, barter world peace, and win the lottery.

*The author relieves himself and StarCityGames.com of any and all responsibility for any game/match losses, bannings and general unpleasantness that stems from following these methods.

**As above, but add any medical condition or ailment to it.

*** If you're of legal age, I also recommend drinking Tequila the night before. Nothing smells as bad as tequila farts.

****Has anyone else noticed that Ken Krouner looks like Ryan Reynolds in Van Wilder? Am I alone here? It's disturbing.

***** Not really, but if any of the following do happen, I fully plan on taking all the credit.