Ah, spring. Flowers, love, warmth, and, most importantly, Regionals. In the past, Regionals and the following months were the glory days of my year; like a grand phoenix, I would rise from the frigid and barren winter months, and ascend to glory through an epic performance that only I had the greatness and vision to consummate. In fact, not only did I go 6-2 in my first Regionals four years go (my third tournament, might I add), but I finished fourth two years ago, and won the tournament just last year. In general, if you are playing Magic in the Northeastern part of this country, you will regret approaching me in the late months of spring. This year was no different. Time... for a decklist.

"Big" Red with Green
4 Naturalize
4 Arc-Slogger
4 Furnace Dragon
4 Fireball
4 Viridian Shaman
4 Solemn Simulacrum
4 Pyroclasm
4 Damping Matrix
4 Talisman of Impulse
4 Wooded Foothills
4 Great Furnace
4 Tree of Tales
3 Forest
9 Mountain

Sideboard
4 Pulse of the Forge
4 Molten Rain
4 Dwarven Blastminer
3 Electrostatic Bolt

Wow...what a beauty, ain't she? This was, without a doubt, the most shocking deck I have ever played, for better or worse. Now, in the next part of this article, I will do something that a lot of people write out in their own"work," but I will do it in a groundbreaking way. When any writer seems to be discussing a deck they built or played, they always add card and matchup breakdowns that inevitably are either altered for pleasure of the writer, or are clearly insane. This is annoying to the extreme if you don't agree with their assessment, but is in many ways just as vexing if you are willing to possibly side with the author, because you invariably feel like you are being lectured or even preached to. I will, however, write this same section in a very inverted way that will in fact please every reader. You see, I have no desire to defend a single card or matchup my deck has. Instead, with benefit of hindsight, and the fetish joy I draw from losing, I will breakdown every card, and every matchup, and tell you just why it really freaking sucked.

Furnace Dragon
Wow. Having just typed this card's name, I tried to think about exactly what I would say, and I almost fainted from disgust. The only thing I can say about this card (and I mean this with no sarcasm or exaggeration) is that this is the most unpleasant card I have ever had in any deck I played. It requires you to play cards that you would never otherwise play (the only other purpose my eight artifact lands have is to be destroyed when I need them most, depriving me of live-giving mana ). It also forces you to sacrifice at least three permanents upon summoning, yet has no chance of destroying more than one card any non-Affinity opponent controls. It also has no protective ability to ensure survival, all the while having a cost so obscenely high that one could not afford to play any other victory conditions. Now, after reviewing this card, I have to lie down.

Fireball
Utterly worthless. I was lulled into thinking that just like Ghitu Fire in Replacement Killers, this card would allow me to beat my opponents in a late game stall. Yeah, right. Not only did I have no cards that added more than one mana apiece, but the mana I did have was so easily destroyed that I could never hit a target for more than five anyway. I basically was forced to either use my entire third turn to kill a Rotlung Reanimator, or spend my entire sixth turn to kill one of maybe three angel tokens, courtesy of Decree of Justice. This card reminded me of why it always seemed to me that X spells eat in Constructed.

Viridian Shaman
Pathetic. The only time its ability came into play, I would end up killing a Skullclamp... while already controlling a Damping Matrix. Real useful. Sadly, this creature was one of my few victory conditions. To understand this better, think of a Rock deck with only Yavimaya Elder and Llanowar Elves for victory conditions.

Pyroclasm
A very interesting little gem in that it always seemed to appear in my hand inversely proportionately to my need of its services. So, if I perhaps need one to clear away a pair of Withered Wretches, I would draw none for the next seven or so turns. If, in turn, I need to deal with two Myr Enforcers via a couple of Pyroclasms, I would draw only one. But, most importantly, if I was starring down a control deck, and needed perhaps Solemn Simulacrums to set me up (set me up for what...), I would quickly draw three Pyroclasms, and a Furnace Dragon to boot.

Naturalize
Historically, I never feel comfortable with Disenchant effects. They are useless in half of your matchups, and overloaded in the other half. Too bad that lesson didn't register on Friday night.

Damping Matrix
The problem with this card is that it doesn't kill anything. It semi-weakens a few permanents the opponents control, but ultimately only goes about a third of the way to deal with even its most favorable matchups, namely Affinity and Goblins. Basically, they can still attack with Enforcers and Piledrivers, cast Bidding, and use Shrapnel Blast to throw useless Welding Jars at you. Whee.

Solemn Simulacrum
It created the illusion that I was setting up my opponents in the control mirror with card advantage. Bull-doo. I would get my useless land, draw a Tree of Tales, and sit there for another five or so turns until I drew another Simulacrum. Then, I would repeat the process. Honestly, what would mana and cards allow this deck to do, cast a Furnace Dragon?

Matchup Analysis:
Tooth and Nail
Your worst matchup. For some reason, I thought that I could drop a Furnace Dragon after they entwine their namesake spell, and destroy a Platinum Angel and a Darksteel Colossus. Of course, what I failed to realize is that a Duplicant could easily remove my Dragon, and I would find myself, as always, with no victory condition, five mana in play, another Furnace Dragon in my hand, and a Pyroclasm. Furthermore, they can easily mana-screw me with their own Shamans and Reap and Sow, while my supposed"mana denial" would mean nothing, since I could never press any advantage any of my opponents presented to me.

Mono White/Blue-White Control
Definitely your worst matchup. You have no way to force them to do anything. As a matter of fact, I would have a better chance of killing them by asking them nicely if they could concede than I would by actually trying to reduce them to zero life points. Arc-Slogger will never live to use his ability, much less attack. Pyroclasm, Matrix and Shaman do nothing, and, as usual, you always have Furnace Dragon in your deck to really shoot yourself in the foot. The best chance you have is to try and win games 2 and 3 with Pulse of the Forge. Then again, you will probably end up dead from soldier tokens if you try to"strategically" mana burn yourself.

Slide
Clearly your worst matchup. Your Naturalizes will have to destroy as many as twelve enchantments (Rift, Slide, Sacred Ground) after game one. You, as usual, have no pressure, and have no way to disrupt their winning strategy at all. As a bonus, the already frail Blastminer-Molten Rain strategy that could potentially (read: unlikely) work against White control decks is useless versus Slide.

Goblins
Your absolute worst matchup. You have no way to actually seal the deal. You can Pyroclasm away three creatures, then play a Furnace Dragon only to not be able to attack with it because your opponent could attack back. And if they cast a Patriarch's Bidding, forget about it. Damping Matrix, while supposedly doing something, in fact is inconsequential, as they wont need a single ability other than power and toughness to kill you.

Affinity
Supposedly, this was the deck I was supposed to be metagaming against. In all probability, my pile of garbage had no chance to even beat this deck in a tournament setting. Essentially, the only way you can win is if their draw is too slow to stop a turn 6 Furnace Dragon, which it rarely will be. Basically, you are playing a deck that has no game versus any deck it did not metagame against, yet only has a split matchup against said metagamed deck. Good thinking, Negator.

As you may have noticed, I cited every deck as my worst matchup. This is not a typo. I simply could not choose which of these matchups is more hopeless, so I leave it up to the reader to decide. Be forewarned as you make your choice that each of these decks has somewhere between a 91% to a 97% shot of beating my deck. Now, the report. Don't worry, it won't be long.

Round 1: Slide
Table: 85
We decide to settle all mulligans before the round starts. I see a hand of two Talismans, a Simulacrum, Shaman, Slogger, two Pyroclasms and one land on the play. Since I decided that this is always my day, I chose to keep. Since we had to survive through the ten-minute-long speech by head judge Eric Smith, I had time to reflect on the future of this game. I decided that this moment was the karmic nexus of my tournament. If I draw the land, fortune has yet again smiled upon me, and I will be unstoppable on this day. If in fact I draw a spell, the omen could be poor.

To what should be a surprise to nobody, I drew... yep, a Furnace Dragon. I draw the land on turn 3, but my Slogger and Simulacrum get killed (Gee, who would have thought), and I get fried by a Lightning Rift. Game two, I draw an opening hand with 2 Molten Rain, and smile. My smile widens when he plays a precious cycle land on turn 1. After all, this could be a sign of mana screw. By turn 7, I am sitting with three Molten Rains in my hand, and no Naturalize in my hand or graveyard. Thank you, Sacred Ground. Furthermore, I try to burn intelligently to set up a Pulse, but don't draw it, and get put out of my misery by an Eternal Dragon.

Round 2: Zombie-Clerics
Table: 152
Elevator, going down. This guy seemed to be playing a draft deck. He had Grave Pact, Oversold Cemetery, Rotlung, Cabal Archon, and Twisted Abomination. Riiight. Game one, I play a Furnace Dragon, destroy his Skullclamp, three of my land, a Talisman and a Damping Matrix. He cast a Dark Banishing. I burst out laughing. Game two is bizarre. He is attacking with some bad creatures, but I have a Pulse that deals him sixteen damage, followed by a Fireball. Game three, I seem to have control. I then start drawing crap, which is most of the deck, as we all know already. He plays a Twisted Abomination on turn 26 with me controlling a Damping Matrix at eight life. I draw a Tree of Tales instead of a game-winning Pulse of the Forge. Next turn, I draw... a Tree of Tales, redux. I look at him, smile, and say with a stunned look"I lose!" He is shocked.

Round 3: Blue White Control
Table: 264
Oh my dear lord jesus (I am Jewish, so you can be sure I will not be capitalizing that). I did not even think a table 264 existed. I had never before played at a table of half that number, and yet, I found myself deep sea diving at my own event. Game one, he plays six straight Islands, and says to me that this is the most wretched draw he had ever seen on his part. Apparently, my deck took exception to his words, because it responded by coughing up quite possibly the worst draw in what was already a day full of stinkers. He casts a Vengeance, saying,"This might slow you down". Sadly, I lost six permanents to that particular spell. On a positive note, my lack of mana prevented me from casting any poor spells that would embarrass me. I end the game with six mana, three Furnace Dragons and three Fireballs in my hand. Game 2, I spend all game setting up my Pulse of the Forge. All goes according to plan, until he Discombobulates my Pulse, plays an Eternal Dragon, and attacks my mana-burned head for the win.

Now, it is time for some statistics!

0: Number of opponents who had any idea what deck I was playing after winning the match with ease. My third opponent admitted to me after game one that he had no clue what the hell I was doing, and I had no choice but to concur.

4.75: Average number of card that were in my hand when I conceded a game I lost or was about to lose.

5.67: Average quantity of mana I had at my disposal when I conceded a game I lost or was about to lose. Clearly, these last two stats combined led to a great deal of confusion on my opponents' part; it seemed like I had spells in my hand, and the resources to cast them, yet I seemed to be helpless. The answer to their queries can be summed up in two words: Furnace Dragon.

0-3: Match Record

1-6: Games Record

100: Ratings points lost

0% 2004 Regionals Winning Percentage

80% Winning percentage cumulative from Regionals 2000 through 2003, draws excluded.

I was recognized by a few of my opponents. Their reactions tended to be more or less the following:"Wow Yan, I know you. You won last year! I really thought you would put up more of a fight! You really are over the hill, aren't you?" The truth behind this event is that I had forgotten about Regionals. I had lost touch with the game for two months, and only remembered about it when Ed Paltzik reminded me two weeks ago. I did a bad job of finding cards for a deck, and threw together a last-minute stack from Steve Cohen's leftover cards. This deck was based on a Brian Kibler Brainburst list that was mono-Red with Echoing Ruin and Shatter instead of Viridian Shaman and Naturalize, and Darksteel Citadel instead of Tree of Tales. I cannot imagine, even if we assume that my changes did not help, that I would have done any better had I played only Red. If this sounds like an excuse, that's because it is an excuse.

Brian Kibler: As a sworn Republican, I should have known better, even with time running out on Friday night, than to trust a person who played on a team called"Reelect Gore."

Steve Cohen: You do realize that according to Dante, the great Catholic scholar poet, false council lands you in the Malbolge itself, near the lake in which Satan himself stands frozen? You better thank your lucky stars you are Jewish.

Ed Paltzik: Wow, thanks for reminding me. I could have lost my tenure as champion in a quiet warm feeling of oblivion instead of a raging inferno of demise.

However, I greatly enjoyed this event. I see myself as someone who has transcended the PTQ atmosphere. I am not like my supposed"peers" in the Northeast who scramble for top 8s, play in three PTQ's a season, and live the life of Magic players. I have qualified for Nationals twice, and Pro Tour: Boston, so I feel like I have nothing to prove to myself at this level. I feel, instead, as if every tournament I attend is a story that I weave. I go to few events, but when I go, my performance is always unforgettable. I would not trade this 0-3 for a 2-2. Rating points are temporary; myths and legends last forever.

I search for greatness in everything I do, and if I will attend an event I am prepared for neither physically nor mentally, I will not simply disappear anonymously into the crowd. If loss I must, I will do it like a roaring dragon, spewing fire and smiting my enemies even as I am brought down. Each of my card experiences is an arcane tome, a tale of great legend and adventure that will never die. For most card players at my level, these same events are either meaningless x-2 failures, or equally non-memorable T8's. I would like to think that an average player's PTQ victory makes for not even half the story that a 3-2 of my own would weave. My experiences are etched in epic; theirs are but scribbles in the margins of countless notebooks.

"I too shall one day be brought low by death, but until that day, may I win glory in battle"
Achilles, The Illiad

This might sound like garbage, but I did in fact enjoy this event. Nobody is more competitive than I am, but I did not feel embarrassed or even disappointed by this event. I knew this deck was either genius or insanity, and as we all know, the line between the two is razor thin. In fact, I feel this event not only increased the level of enjoyment I derive from the game, but also made me feel like a sharper player. By experiencing the full range of emotions, I feel I am now more complete and precise a player. It was a great experience to go from table 1 to table 264 in 365 days, and as we all know, variety is the spice of life.

In closing, I would like to quote Marilyn Manson. He is an idiot, and a fruitcake to boot, and I am sure what I am quoting he in turn stole unscrupulously from a smarter person than himself, but, as he said,"Hatred is not the opposite of love, for both represent great, enfolding emotions towards an idea, and both result in great attention. Instead, apathy is the opposite of both these things, for they are so far apart on the spectrum that the circle meets with them in the same place." Therefore, I greatly desire responses both negative and positive. Both praise and hate-mail will simultaneously satisfy my histrionic narcissism while providing you the correspondent with a cathartic feeling of release. Therefore, do send a word.

Finally, as they say,"Where's your crown, King Nothing?"