I went 5-6 at the Mid-Atlantic Regionals. Yup - I went all eleven rounds after getting that dreaded third loss... So if you're expecting to read about some secret tech that will advance your game, you're outta luck.

If, however, you're interested in reading about the adventures of a young man and his frighteningly fun deck, then grab a drink and come on in.

One person on my team was running Ravager Affinity. One was piloting MWC with another behind R/W Slide. Two members were playing Goblin Bidding. Bringing up the random decks was a B/G Braids Groom variant, Lynch Mob, and a R/G hate deck.

So, what did I play?

Glad you asked.

B/G Land Kill
4 Death Pit Offering
4 Explosive Vegetation
4 Infest
4 Natural Affinity
2 Naturalize
4 Pulse of the Tangle
4 Rampant Growth
4 Solemn Simulacrum
2 Spoils of the Vault
4 Wood Elves
13 Forest
11 Swamp

Sideboard
2 Barter in Blood
2 Damping Matrix
2 Naturalize
2 Oblivion Stone
2 Persecute
4 Ravenous Baloth
1 Spoils of the Vault

What a pile, huh? Oh, but what a fun pile it was. If you're wondering why I subjected myself to thirteen hours of Magic, it's because I was having a blast with the deck, win or lose. And I had the good fortune of playing extremely cool and friendly people each round.

For those of you that don't know how the deck works, it tries to get out a ton of land. Then it tries to do one of two things: Play Natural Affinity with enough lands out for a lethal attack, or cast Natural Affinity and Infest with the Death Pit Offering out for a one-sided Armageddon. When prudent, it can also just do a full Armageddon and recover quickly with all the land fetching.

I guess a few card explanations are in order:

Wood Elves and Solemn Simulacrum
A lot of people asked me why I didn't run Birds of Paradise or Vine Trellis. In retrospect, the Trellis might have been good, since Goblins bent me over all day. However, the Wood Elves and Jens each fetched me lands that would later become 4/4 attackers. Furthermore, Birds and Trellises are cards that you kind of try to keep around, while the Elves and Jens are more than happy to throw themselves before a Myr Enforcer or bow down before the Wrath of God.

Pulse of the Tangle
This did a wonderful job of keeping me alive. Also, I brought a bunch of old-school Marvel trading cards to use as tokens. It was cool fighting alongside Gambit, Nightcrawler, Deadpool, and French maid Psylocke (it was a special Halloween card).

Oh yeah - and Pulse of the Tangle has good synergy with Death Pit Offering.

Spoils of the Vault
Quite possibly the iffiest card in the deck. Since Natural Affinity turns all lands into creatures, it's critical that you play it at the right moment. So after they tap out for something, you Spoils at the end of their turn for the final piece of the combo. This card provides for some spectacular wins - and some amazing losses.

(Nope... No foreshadowing here! None at all!)

The interesting thing about the deck is that against certain matchups, you don't change the cards so much as you change how you play. For example, against aggro decks like Ravager and Goblins, you throw down chump blockers and go for the lethal combo as fast as you can. Against control decks (and Tooth and Nail), you shoot for the Armageddon as quickly as possible (the one-sided one being better, of course).

This is why the sideboard looks as funked-up as it does. It's mostly a silver bullet approach as a back-up to the various combos in the deck.

This was my first ever Regionals, and it was a great experience... Except for the fact that someone fiddled with the thermostat and the room might as well have been on fire. Five hundred-plus Magic players in a hot room does a righteous odor make. Some jackhole also crammed paper towels down one of the toilets and flooded the men's room. Not so kosher.

Other than that, eleven rounds went by a lot quicker than I expected.

Round 1: John Hamilton (Isochron Scepter/Metamorphosis)
Game 1: He surprised me with back-to-back Blackmails, following it up with an Unburden. I didn't think anyone would be playing discard... But it still sucked.

I managed to get out a lot of lands and put a Solemn Simulacrum on the board. He got out Metamorphosis on a stick. He started bouncing Jens to my library, since my hand was empty; I replayed Jens and started getting out more and more lands. After a couple of times, I decided not to recast him, and he Metamorphed a land, which let me drop Jens and shuffle away the land that was put on top. This plan looked like it was going to work - but he dropped another Scepter with Metamorphosis and that was a lock.

He commented that he had no clue what I was playing and he couldn't even begin to figure out what to board in. I just smiled.

Sideboard:
-4 Pulse of the Tangles, +2 Damping Matrix, +2 Naturalize

Game 2: I got up to six lands quickly, and started hoarding lands in my hand. At the end of his turn, I Spoiled for a Natural Affinity (with Infest already in hand), and then dropped the Armageddon. I dropped the lands I had been hoarding and a Jens. He's quickly followed by another, and they beat down. My opponent never managed to recover.

Game 3: There was lots of acceleration on my side, a little bit of discard on his. I got out a Death Pit Offering, which he read a couple of times to understand what it did. He tapped out to Unburden me and then Smothered a Wood Elf. I untapped, cast Natural Affinity, and swung in with five lands for the kill.

1-0, 2-1

Round 2: Chris Alluis (R/W Astral Slide)
Game 1: He pondered his hand for a while before ultimately deciding to keep. He dropped a Secluded Steppe and a Forgotten Cave, which were accompanied by a Lightning Rift. However, the only other lands he ever saw were two Temple of the False Gods. Meanwhile, I was getting out lands and I cast Death Pit, followed by Affinity next turn for the win.

Sideboard:
-4 Pulse of the Tangle, +2 Persecute, +2 Oblivion Stone

Game 2: I got out an early Wood Elf, but he got out an early Karma. Nyeh. Luckily, I only had one swamp, so it wasn't too bad yet. I decided to Rampant Growth for a second swamp so I could get out a Death Pit Offering and a Solemn Simulacrum, trying to bait his Akroma's Vengeance. Of course, not wanting to face the 4/4 Über-Jens, he did. I dropped the second Death Pit I was holding - and next turn, I played Natural Affinity and Infest for the one-sided 'Geddon. He played Pulse of the Field in response, but I drew into another Affinity before he could get any other lands out.

Aside:
Before I dropped the second Pit, I had hit him with a Persecute for red. I took out just a Starstorm, but I saw he had two Wraths and a Vengeance. Hah hah! My lands are only creatures during my turn! I get warm fuzzies whenever I know my opponent has dead cards in hand.

2-0, 4-1

Being 2-0 at this point started stirring the competitive beast in me - unfortunately, I don't play well when the beast is out. I focus too hard and second-guess myself. Thus began the downfall of Dan at Regionals...

Round 3: Ross Smith (MWC)
Game 1: Jens came down and hit once, but he rivaled my own acceleration by dropping the Urzatron with a quickness. I contemplated Affinity/Infesting, but I had no accelerants or lands in hand to recover - so I decide to wait to see my next card to decide what to do. In that one-turn window, he Mindslavered me. I had to Spoils for a forest in response so he couldn't use it to kill me! (Luckily, it was only was only two cards down.)

He did, however, cast my Infest and my Natural Affinity (in that order, letting both resolve individually), thus negating my hand. I never really recovered, and a combination of Jens and an Eternal Dragon beat me down.

Sideboard:
-3 Pulse of the Tangles, +2 Persecutes, + 1 Spoils of the Vault

Game 2: I had a great hand with Rampant Growth, Explosive Vegetation, Solemn Simulacrum, Spoils of the Vault and Death Pit Offering. However, it only had two swamps. I decided to keep it.

(So learn the lesson: That wasn't a great hand. - The Ferrett)

Four turns went by, and I didn't draw a forest - so I decided to Spoils for one. Seven life later, I hit it. I pretended to recover, getting out the Death Pit and a Jens, but he Oblivion Stoned away everything. I decided to Spoils for an Infest at the end of his turn so I could Armageddon, going down to five (and yes, that is fifteen combined points of life loss from the Spoils).

However, I drew a Death Pit Offering on my turn. I struggled with whether or not to just 'Geddon, or cast the Death Pit so I could make it a one-sided 'Geddon the next turn.

My greed was my undoing; I played the Death Pit and passed. He dropped his tenth mana, and Mindslavered me.

He cast an Explosive Veggies that I had been holding, and found nothing to pull out (I still don't think he searched very hard), and tapped me out. He then played an Eternal Dragon on his turn. I still had the combo, so I could still kill all his lands, but I didn't have enough to do lethal damage. The dragon flew over and high-fived my head.

2-1, 4-3

Round 4: Joey Piecuch (Goblin Bidding)
I knew Joey from Groovy Gecko's, where I did most of my serious playtesting. This meant I lost any and all surprise value my deck had. Nyeh.

Game 1: I got smacked by a Skirk Prospector, but he didn't seem to draw much for a while. He did manage to get out a Goblin Sharpshooter and a few other goblins eventually; since they didn't have haste, I decided to Spoils for an Infest.

My deck decided that nine life was an appropriate price for one of the four Infests in the deck. I wiped his board, but he quickly bounced back with a Goblin Warchiefs and a Goblin Piledriver. They put on a Skullclamp and proceeded to pound me.

Sideboard:
-2 Spoils of the Vault, +2 Damping Matrix

Game 2: He got out a Piledriver and a Sharpshooter and hit me down to fifteen. I had gotten out a bunch of land and two Death Pits at this point. He summoned a Siege-Gang Commander, and attacked with the commander and one token. He knew my deck, from Gecko's, so he kept back just enough blockers so I couldn't pull off the surprise Affinity win.

I put down a 5/5 Wood Elf and passed the turn. Another Siege-Gang and pals joined the group, and the Goblin Sledder proceeded to feed all his buddies to the Sharpshooter as ammo. I took a lot of pinging. Stupid goblin machine gun.

2-2, 4-5

Round 5: Farhad Yousefi (Goblin Bidding)
Rock, meet more goblins.

Game 1: I think my deck is scared of red, because all it did was cough up lands and no business spells. Luckily, all my opponent had was a Warchief with a Skullclamp. However, said Warchief with said Skullclamp chipped me all down to three, whereupon a Sharpshooter joined in for the kill.

Despite losing the game, I took great pleasure in hearing my opponent say,"I'm so confused. What the hell are you playing? I thought it was B/G Oversold Cemetery, then I thought it was some kind of Death Cloud deck, then I thought it was maybe a janky Tooth and Nail. I have no clue what to bring in."

I just smiled and told him that I would explain the deck to him if the combo didn't come out next game.

Sideboard:
-2 Spoils of the Vault, +2 Damping Matrix

Game 2: Sadly, Goblins don't really need much sideboard help to beat me. I was defending as much as I could by soaking up damage with my face, and even managed to Pulse out a 5/5 Gambit and Nightcrawler thanks to a Death Pit... But a Siege-Gang Commander and his cronies showed up. They filled my beast tokens with Terror, and then ran in unmolested.

Afterwards, I showed him the Infest, the Natural Affinity, and the Death Pit Offering, and he understood. We then proceeded to talk about having girlfriends who played Magic. Neither of us did, but we wondered about the possibilities of Strip Magic versus the dangers of getting in trouble for constantly beating her (in Magic).

2-3, 4-7

Round 6: Ahmed Aziz
No show.

*insert jokes about this being the"hardest match" and"flawless victory"*

3-3, 6-7

This round actually gave me some time to re-center myself. I had fun playing against Farhad, despite the loss. I managed to tame the competitive beast in me and started enjoying myself with the game and the people I was meeting.

Round 7: Quang Nguyen (Red Deck Wins-ish thing)
Game 1: He pounded out a second-turn Slith Firewalker. He Shocked my Wood Elf speed bump. A Viashino Sandstalker joined in. I Natural Affinitied on his turn so I could block, but he Electrostatic Bolted a lot of the lands.

The Sandstalker died, but it was replaced by another Firewalker. Those things get ridiculous quick.

Sideboard:
-2 Spoils of the Vault, -2 Naturalize, +4 Ravenous Baloth

Game 2: I got out a Baloth. He tried to Grab the Reins it, so I sacrificed it for life, and then got out another one. What's that? Shock and Electrostatic Bolt? Sac for life.

Then he dropped an Arc-Slogger and beat me.

I tried another defensive Affinity again, this time with the Death Pit out, but he had Shock and used the Slogger to shoot down a land so that the 'Slogger could live, despite an attempted double block. It smacked me around, then his twin came in and they ended the game with a quickness.

Aside:
Someone actually let my buddy Grab a Baloth in their game and sac it for life.

3-4, 6-9

Round 8: joseph zimmers (something red)
No, that name is correct according to the pairings, my opponent didn't have any capital letters in his name. That was pretty cool. I didn't ask him about it though, just in case he was sensitive or something.

(Or he was case-sensitive - ha ha! - The Ferrett, glad to be back for a bit)

Game 1: A Blistering Firecat appeared and bit me. I really didn't see that coming. I Pulsed out Nightcrawler, and he tried to race a recurring Hammer of Bogardan, but he just couldn't keep up.

For the third time that day, my opponent commented that he had no clue what to sideboard. Ah, the benefits of going rogue... Or at least random.

Sideboard:
-4 Pulse of the Tangle, +4 Ravenous Baloth

Game 2: My buddy and teammate was watching (the one who managed to Grab the Reins someone's Baloth), and this game made him love my deck. He knew about it of course, but he hadn't actually seen it yet. My opponent hit me with a Blinkmoth Nexus, and that was about it. I accelerated out into a Death Pit. Next turn came the one-sided 'Geddon. And the turn after that was the Affinity kill.

Game 3: Same as game two, but quicker. He didn't even touch me.

4-4, 8-10

Round 9: Jay Shield, Running W/b Control
Game 1: I really don't like getting Persecuted twice in a game. He got out a Phyrexian Arena, and buried me under card advantage and answers.

He actually cast the Decree of Justice for three angels. I counted up the total lands to see if I could sneak in enough damage with a Natural Affinity, but I remembered he had the Pulse of the Field in hand and we went to game two.

Aside:
Phyrexian arena and Pulse of the Field is coo'. I was watching a random match where a girl had out two Arenas and Cities of Brass to handle the double-mana requirements in both cards. The Cities and Pulse work together nicely as well.

Second Aside
There were actually some attractive girls at Regionals. There were a few girlfriends of players present - but there were also some playing. I was pleasantly surprised. And yes, I gawked like the Magic Player I am.

While sideboarding, he commented on how he heard some guy was playing a Natural Affinity/Infest deck, and he thought I was that guy. I just smiled.

Sideboard:
-2 Naturalize, -4 Pulse of the Tangle, +3 Ravenous Baloth, +2 Persecute, +1 Spoils of the Vault

Game 2: I changed my board strategy mid-tourney when I realized that I rarely saw anything worth Naturalizing in white control against my deck. I got up to six mana quickly, and then Spoiled for an Infest. My deck decided to only charge me six life this time.

I Armageddoned and told my opponent,"I am that guy."

I recovered quickly with the Rampant Growth in my hand. A Ravenous Baloth came down and won the game for me.

Game 3: He got out a Solemn Simulacrum, but I got out a Death Pit followed by my own Über-Jens. He Persecuted me for green, and emptied my hand except for another Solemn, which I cast on my turn. The first Über-Jens hit once more before they both got Wrathed away. I untapped, drew, showed my topdecked Natural Affinity, and he extended his hand.

5-4, 11-11

Round 10: Bryan Dougherty (MWC)
Brian had written Biblical scripture on his cards. I thought it was a really cool personal touch.

Game 1: The game was going well, with a Jens and Gambit beating down. He cycled a Renewed Faith and Pulsed to keep his life healthy. I had decided that against MWC, I needed to go for the quick Armageddon - so I hit six mana, then started holding lands and fetch spells. He Mindslavered me, and I showed him my hand of four lands, a Rampant Growth, and a Pulse of the Tangle. He then had me untap and draw. He/I plucked a Spoils of the Vault. He read it, looked at me, and had me play it calling Demonic Tutor.

Yes, I lost that game - but I could not stop smiling at the sheer amusement of losing by being both Slaved and Spoiled. I bragged about this loss for the rest of the day.

I was also lucky, since he didn't see anything of my deck in that game, so he had no clue what to sideboard.

(Why didn't he just reveal all the cards in your deck? - The Ferrett)

Sideboard:
-4 Pulse of the Tangle, -2 Naturalize, -2 Spoils of the Vault (I wasn't letting that happen again), +4 Ravenous Baloth, +2 Persecutes, +2 Damping Matrix

Game 2: My deck avenged itself. Second-turn Rampant Growth. Third-turn Explosive Vegetation. Fourth-turn Death Pit Offering. Fifth turn Natural Affinity, swing. He blocked and Pulsed to live (barely), but I had the second Affinity to swing again next turn.

Game 3: He re-sideboarded now that he knew what my deck actually did. I don't remember much of this game except it involved an Eternal Dragon, Oblivion Stones, fate counters, all while I was trying to keep up with some Ravenous Baloths. I played Natural Affinity and swung for nowhere near lethal - but he played Holy Day anyway.

Eternal Dragon is the bane of this deck.

5-5, 12-13

Round 11: Vernon Meighan (R/G control/beats)
Vernon is one of my main Magic partners in crime. We have a history of always being paired up the last round of a tournament... And the tradition continued. He was running a deck that I designed as a versatile metagame hate deck.

So I knew his deck. He also knew mine.

Game 1: This wasn't pretty at all.

He kept a risky hand, but he lucked out with the draws and dropped two Goblin Goons. I managed to stall a turn by playing Natural Affinity when he entered his attack phase. I had enough lands and creatures out so that his Goblin Goons couldn't attack... But my next draw turned up nothing useful, and it was on to game two.

We didn't sideboard, since it was the last round, we were both 5-5, and it was basically a game between friends.

Game 2: My deck was tired. He got out Birds of Paradise, some Lightning Greaves, and a Ravenous Baloth. I, however, had Pulse of the Tangle - so I used it to bring in Nightcrawler. He kept bamfing in and out, holding off the Baloth. Nightcrawler did his thing for about six turns, during which I couldn't draw anything useful. Vern finally laid down Rorix, and that thus ended my first Regionals experience.

Whew. Eleven rounds and thirteen hours... And not one Ravager Affinity deck! Meanwhile, my cousin ran into four Biddings and four Ravagers over the course of the day. I still lost thoroughly without playing against Ravager, thankyouverymuch.

As fun as Regionals was, I'm kind of glad it's over. I have a bit of play skill in me, but I just don't have that competitive drive. Now I can start building decks again without worrying if it can handle Ravager or Goblins. My rating has been steadily plummeting because I can't bring myself to play a serious deck at FNM. The other deck I had tested was MWC, but with no Wraths or Vengeances. Instead, it just stayed alive with Windborn Muse, Sun Droplet, and Pulse of the Field. It eventually won by getting out a Jinxed Choker and passing it around (or with an Exalted Angel).

I don't know if this deck is any good, or if I just played it all wrong. It was definitely fun, though, and had a really bad habit of winning when it shouldn't. It was also fun telling people I was playing Land Kill or Affinity... And then watching them freak out over the nonexistent Death Cloud that my twelve lands could power out.

I suppose I should do some"props and slops"-type thing, but I'm not very good at that. Every single one of my opponents was cool and gracious, and even some of the people who were playing next to me were great. The whole thing was run smoothly and outside that heat thing, all was kosher.

About the only thing I can comment on is how Delano got his cards stolen. That guy sucked. Delano did manage to rebuild his deck minutes before the tournament, and I hear he also managed to get his cards back. Whoever turned them in? You're cool.

Time to work on my Elf-Clamp-Lightning Coils deck now. Or maybe my Panoptic Mirror-Mesmeric Orb deck. Or maybe my Ninja deck . . . yeah, Ninjas . . .

Dan Hoang
Team CGN
coohburn (at) comcast.net