Welcome back to the last week of the Selecting 9th Edition Dilemma here at StarCityGames.com! I'd like to say that I've had a lot of fun debating Ted these past few weeks, but that'd be a lie. I had a lot of fun during Phoenix week and during Blackmail week. I have not had so much fun the other weeks, especially after my crushing defeat after defending good ol' Gratuitous Violence last week, which lost by a hefty margin. Ted had even conceded victory to me before his article was even written. This horrid loss sent me through the seven stages of grief.
I invited Ted over to my house. He declined the proposal. Usually he will be my guest when I ask. He may have been frightened off by the new game I suggested we play. The name of this game was"Hide the Defibrillator."
Rebuffed by Mr. Knutson, I wandered around in a daze. Seeking guidance, I booked a flight out of the country to speak to some far off guru. When I arrived in Africa, I traveled down Denial River.
I did not find what I was looking for. I had to trade the defibrillator for a ticket back to the United States.
Ed Fear picked me up at the airport.
I hastily returned back to Roanoke, still quite mad at losing the Selecting 9th Edition Dilemma to Ted for a second straight week. I seethed with thoughts of cramming my nooks in his crannies.
Oh sordid woe, but was it Ted's destiny to win? What was I thinking? I'd never get a shot at beating Ted. He's so much better than me. Wait, I didn't say that. Yes I did. Dammit Ted, stop editing my words. Nobody is editing my words. Yes you are dammit! Oh wait, I must be mistaken. [Editor's Note: I'm not editing Ben's article.] I am helpless before Knutson's godlike powers!
Finally, I realized that Pete listens to me more than Ted, and I got Pete to take off a couple of zeros from Ted's paychecks. This left him with but a decimal point coming through the mail.
What's all this have to do with Shared Triumph? Hold on to your sweet patooties (or if you don't have patooties, you can reign in your wild buttockses), 'cause I'm getting there. I couldn't decide how to pitch this week's dilemma. How could I convince you, the discerning reader, to vote for Shared Triumph over Glorious Anthem? Over the course of the week, I came up with quite a few ideas that Ted and Pete have rejected outright. Lest you be denied this cornucopia of awfulness, I present to you the gallery of the doomed!
Godwin's Law basically states that once in any given internet discussion, Hitler will eventually be mentioned. Once the Nazis are brought into the argument, the forum thread will essentially degenerate into a flamewar, and all talks are over. For this week's dilemma, I wanted to photoshop swastikas all over the uniforms of the people in the artwork of Glorious Anthem. Pete did not approve. Ted did not approve. Wizards of the Coast, Kev Walker, Daniel Crane, the Jewish Defense League and my grandma Lil did not approve. Lesson learned: Propaganda wars are fine, as long as they do not involve the Third Reich.
Stop The Terrorists!
My next idea for this week's dilemma was along the same vein - appeal to everyone's fear of terrorism."If you vote for Glorious Anthem, the terrorists win!" This tagline would have made a great motion picture, but it did not make for a good article.
"Hey Pete", said I,"can I offer to give people free Shared Triumphs if they send me screenshots proving they voted for Shared Triumph in this week's Selecting 9th Edition Vote?" Pete looked at me funny."No really Pete, it'd be great publicity! Just imagine - thousands of free Shared Triumphs being given away just to spite Knutson and his ridiculous arguments!""BLEIWEISS!" Pete bellowed."Do you think that Shared Triumphs grow on trees?""Technically, they are trees!"
Pete sent me home for the rest of the day.
Appealing to Reason
I considered arguing the rightness of Shared Triumph, based on its superiority to Glorious Anthem.
Less Filling, Tastes Great!
In the end, I settled on an appeal to the culinary tastes of the great StarCityGames.com audience. This would be my finest cooking battle, facing off against Chef Knutson in Kitchen Stadium! The secret ingredient was revealed: Shared Triumph!
Quickly I worked to cook a fine repast. Using only the cheapest of breads from the convenience store next to our shop, I slid the cardboard candy on top of a slice of cheese.
Glorious feast! With such a fine looking sandwich, I would be sure to win the approval of the judges. But first, a taste.
Ah, perfection! Surely my cheese and Shared Triumph on white would win the hearts and the votes of our readers! Victory this week shall be mine Knutson. I...I...oh good dear God lord it's tearing up my insides! It hurts! It hurts! Make it stop! Make it bloooooorrrrrrrg.........
(Note: All pictures were provided courtesy of H. Balthis (Mammuthus primigenius) shortly before he fell to his demise in a tar pit. Regardless of digestive difficulties, Ben can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org)