Aaron Forsythe, one of my favorite Magic writers, attended the 2002 US Nationals in Orlando and wrote the finest piece of Magic-related literature I've ever read. Enjoy, but pay attention... this crap's important. Seriously. I mean it. Okay, you can skip it if you want.
...
True story: I was in the airport with about 45 minutes to kill. Pittsburgh has a pleasant "Airmall," so I stopped by the Discovery Channel store and then went to Electronics Boutique. There was a child at the counter looking up at the rack of Magic cards. This child - call him "Joey" - was in the ticket check-in line with his family right in front of me earlier, so I knew that they, too, were flying to Orlando. The kid bought some Prophecy and a Classic Starter Deck. I then bought a pack each of Masques/Nemesis/Prophecy for later use in practice... a cool $9.88, but I wanted to make conversation. I figured, 12-year-old going to Orlando buying Magic... "Are you in the Junior Super Series?" I got a blank stare in return, plus a quick eyeing from Mom and Dad.
"What?"
"For Magic? The Junior Super Series is in Orlando this weekend."
"No."
"Oh. I'm going to play in the US National Championship for $25,000." This seemed to get the attention of Mom and Dad, as well as the store clerk. So Joey wasn't a JSS kid, but he liked Magic a lot and seemed happy to find a "grown-up" who played the game. As we waited for our plane, we had a pleasant exchange.
"What's your toughest creature?" asked Joey.
"You mean biggest?"
"Yeah."
"Skyshroud Behemoth," I said, "He's 10/10." (I do own several Phyrexian Dreadnoughts, but my head was filled with Masques block cards.)
"Oh, I have some like that. But my friend has a 30/30 creature."
"Really?" I asked.
"Yeah, he never plays with it, though."
I didn't know what to say to that. The wrong thing to say would have been "there is no such thing." So I decided to swing the conversation back into reality a little bit.
"My favorite creature is the Deranged Hermit," I said.
"Mine's the Horned Troll," replied Joey, "I really like Trolls."
I chuckled to myself a little with that one. It was great to see that there was still some naiveté left in Magic. As Joey and his family rose to board the plane (they were seated many rows behind me), he asked, "Have you ever heard of the Ice Deck?"
"Ice Deck?" I repeated. "No..."
"It's the second rarest deck in the world," said the child, "and I have it. There's some 10/10's in it."
Once we were in the air, part of me wanted to find Joey and interrogate him as to the contents of the Ice Deck. Part of me wanted to run back to him with my longbox filled with sleeved proxies of Ports and Parallax Waves and shout "Get out now while you still can!" but I didn't do any of those things. I just fell asleep smiling, thinking of how wonderful Magic must be for Joey, and how in the world could my Type 2 deck deal with a 30/30.
...
There's a psychographic analysis available for the Magic gamer, more affectionately known as the Timmy/Johnny/Spike triumvirate. (Trinity? I am aghast.) Having taken the test myself at least twenty times, I have never failed to obtain the powerfully shameful Timmy appellation, usually with some sort of /Johnny or /Spike chaser.
I used to chalk this up to my predilection for the fat beats (I have a copy of Akroma that I keep save. In a vault. Coated in Mylar.), as well as my penchant for totally sucking at Constructed. To borrow a line from Geordie Tait, I just get asshammered in Constructed. We're talking federal prison style asshammering.
My friends assured me that this wasn't the case. That I built "really interesting" decks. I don't know if that meant that I built useless piles that were "really easy" to beat, or that they really were interested in my Hystrodons and Silvos's. Or my Pirate Ship theme decks. Or my five color Odyssey block Highlander deck. (Cringe.)
I had assumed that the psychographic profile which best fit me didn't exist. I was sure there was a Melvin category.
Melvin (mel - vin)
noun
1. Someone who plays Magic to lose games, i.e. Joe Johnson, player of the greatest Sorrow's Path deck ever.
2. A frontal wedgie.
But reading Forsythe's article reminded me that Timmy doesn't have to suck. He just has to love playing the game.
It's really hard to write an entire article about loving the game, but it deserves a try. At the very least I could just list off all the bad deck ideas I've ever tried.
LISTS! My heart is aflutter.
5. My Onslaught Block Soldier Tribal Deck.
Now, I know what you're thinking; (Filthy.) "But Joe, there were some decent soldiers in that set." Right you are kind reader. However, if you've ever stacked up Daru Cavalier (go ahead, click it) and The Glorious Soldier Bear against a pair of Goblin Sharpshooters in STANDARD, then you'll know how bad I am. However, I did enjoy losing my whole board. Timmy. (Caveat: So I don't look as bad as all of that, I hadn't played Magic in... three years at that point. I was... rusty?)
4. Ambassador Laquatus/Pemmins Aura/Wirewood Channeler = A Bad Combo Deck.
I remember playing this guy in a Standard tournament that involved me losing every single game I played. Not only losing, but being completely blown out. I believe that I even tried fitting Wall of Hope into my deck to try and stall out for the pieces. If only I had waited for Steel Wall. (oops, that wouldn't be in Standard. I'm dumb.)
3. Any deck I've ever made that involves Counterspell.
Look... I'm just not good at making these kind of decisions.
Joe's Girlfriend - "Where do you want to eat tonight?"
Joe - "Uh... I don't know. You pick."
Fight Ensues.
I kid, but really, decision making past "which creature do I play right now" or "what kind of slurpee do I want" isn't my forte. Don't listen to anybody I play with when they say that's not so. I'm just bad at it. But I love it. Like my girlfriend.
2. My very first deck.
Now, I know I shouldn't really count this one, but I think it deserves mentioning, if for no other reason than it explains most of my deckbuilding choices.
You see, I've never really grown up. I loved Force of Nature. But when I started, oh so long ago, I didn't really know the rules all that well. My brother and I would play with all of the lands in our deck in play at the beginning of each game. When we ran out of cards, we would draw a whole new hand (Note to self: move for this rules change to occur.). So I would play out all my threats in hand. Usually this would consist of elves and a Force of Nature. We also didn't know what upkeep meant. So I would invariably pay that four Green mana every turn. Including my brother's turns.
Think of it. I made Force of Nature worse than it already was. And I still thought it was good. Next.
1. Just so you think I'm not a total Nob... My Block Constructed Astral Slide Deck.
Actually, this deck was teh hotness. I won many many many FNM's with the ol' Slide deck. As a matter of fact, I won so many that my local group decided that I couldn't play it anymore. Thus, my best deck, because it forced me out of Magic, was my worst. I love playing so much that I agreed, and eventually sold all the pieces. I don't regret it. Four Exalted Angels does not equal never playing again, in a cost/benefit analysis.
In any case, I hope you can admit faults as bad as the ones I've admitted here. Try it sometime. Tell your net-decking buddies that you want to play that rogue deck with the Grozoth (Does one exist? Kidding.) Or tell them how much you like playing ten-player Chaos Melees instead of tournament practice drafting.
I know Timmy will thank you for it.
Post Script
In addition to all of this tomfoolery, I've decided to include some sort of strategery (I know my spellchecker didn't like that one but our president did. I think that makes it a word. Plus, as a writer, I'm attracted to repeated “y” sounds.)
Here's the decklist.
It's time to smash two decent Standard decks together to make a bad Standard deck! Hey, It's what I do.
What do you get when you take the control-hating fun of Owling Mine and smash it into Magnivore's sweet, sweet sorcery goodness?
Well, to be honest... my turd of a FNM deck.
Matchups? You got em.
B/W Aggro
To be fair (and probably poorly informed), I think that B/W aggro is the most well-rounded deck in the pool right now. That said, I think this is probably my worst matchup after the Zoo/Gruul beat-my-ass-with-a-paddle decks.
Match 1: I play a Frenzied Goblin. He says, ”I wonder if there's a Solifuge in that deck...” Who tattled? We continue on, and he proceeds to Pillory my creature as I stall out at one land. Guess who keeps one-land hands? Editor, please insert a witticism at my expense here. [Nah, too easy... - Craig]
Short story short: Game 2 went the same way. Mulligan, you dope!
Match 2: ... ... ... ...
Ah, screw it. This is not a good match up for you. Your win conditions are fragile, and your tempo disruption is meaningless when their 187's wreck your hand. Just build a sideboard (which I neglected) and hold onto your socks.
Gruul/Zoo
I include the two because you're going to lose to them. Probably. Let's try.
Match 1: The first game goes “Frenzied Goblin meet Kird Ape... oh, you've met?” as I proceed to play first. Goblin goes past, I bounce the Ape. He gets stuck on two lands, which keep returning to his hand until I rain rocks on them and he scoops. Must not have been a good hand. Game 2 goes the same way. Roughly.
Match 2: I draw, play Sensei's Dreidel and get creamed as he curves out a Kird ape, a Scab Clan Mauler, and a Burning Tree Shaman. To my face. This is how these games usually go.
Game 2, I manage to stay in it by mising three Boomerangs in a row, followed by a Solifuge that goes the distance. Where are my Exhaustions?
Game 3 is just a mess. I don't even want to talk about it.
So far I've had serious trouble with aggro decks. Surprise.
Owling Mine
Probably my best matchup. Which is funny, because if you're running my worst matchups, this is also your best matchup. Maybe I should just go get a Gruul deck.
Match 1: Game 1 sees me bouncing his stuff on turn two, and Exhausting him before he does me. My Solifuge is totally untargetable. Eat it Ebony Owl. Game 2 is the same story. I like playing first. Boomerang. Use it.
Match 2: He frustrates my mana, I frustrate his mana. We do some of that, I resolve a Solifuge when he taps out for a Mine and he says, and I quote, “You lick nuts.” Fair enough.
I've come to the conclusion, like many of you have, that Owling Mine is Not-So-Good ™ at taking care of aggressive decks. Even ones with Frenzied Goblin. Play threats, and disrupt their tempo disruption with your tempo disruption. Enjoy.
Izzetron
I include this one because this is the only Standard deck my brother has, and damnit, it's not the worst one in the field. This will have to be short because I'm tired, and I have a real deadline to make.
I lost. I don't know how. I don't know why. His mana had been disrupted. I was hitting him in the face. Somehow, someway, he was running a Pyroclasm and I forgot about it. Sue me.
Long story short: it's a good deck against control, may occasionally win against aggro (I doubt it), and Owling Mine hates it.
Play it, don't play it... just have fun.
Joe Johnson,
Worst Player to ever win a tournament.
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