Welcome to the All-Saviors Bad Legend Day! When Pithing Needle of Kamigawa — er, I mean, Saviors of Kamigawa — first came out, I was really looking forward to it. Now, I'm really glad that I'm looking back on it, since it definitely ended up my least favorite of the three. I'm just thankful they didn't make a whole block on that dorky “Wisdom” theme and got it out of their system.... Though I had so much fun making fun of the bad rares here, maybe that's a redeeming quality, I don't know...

15. Kaho, Minamo Historian (Saviors)
So at the Prerelease, a guy convinced my good friend (who was not a judge) that Kaho was some kind of uber-Isochron Scepter who tutored for instants and could play them as often as you could pay the mana and tap her. This caused my friend (and many other people that day) to lose, as this guy would summon her and then remove Time Stop from the game, which he would then use on each of his opponent's upkeeps. My friend thought this was too insane to possibly be in a sealed deck, so he called a judge over, who said that was correct.

So this dude managed to bluff ten opponents and a judge in his interpretation of the card and win his prerelease flight.

To put it politely, that interpretation is not entirely accurate. In fact, it achieves a near Mike-Long-level of inaccuracy. Or like that guy who thought that you could use Wall of Roots ability infinite times “between turns” to generate infinite mana on turn 2, and came to the South African Nationals with a combo deck based around it. Yeah, it doesn't quite work like that.

She's more like “Let me steal these really useful spells from your head. And then when you need em, I'll shout them at you from across the room if you pay me mana, and then you can cast them. And they have to be, like, fast spells, whatever the hell that means. And then once I shout them, I totally forget what I just said.” *chews bubble gum*

Kaho's like a ditzy blonde you asked to hold your checkbook. She may let you have it back to do some stuff, but she may just wander off and start shopping at the Minamo Gap and then forget what she buys and how much she spent. Or even more likely, she'll take a Glacial Ray to the face and you'll never hear from her again.

Strange how that's the most likely scenario, but there ya go.

Fun Kaho fact: If you were to buy every rare on this list — because, say, you were going to commit seppuku and wanted the company of other Japanese losers — she would probably cost you the most. Well, okay, I based that on Magic Online prices, where Saviors is rare because they only printed to order and everyone saved up for Ravnica. In the real world, this ditz is cheap, but digital pictures of her are expensive.

Also kind of strange.

14. Rune-Tail, Kitsune Ascendant (Saviors)
Rune-Tail likes lifegain. And he likes you to have lots of creatures. The first problem with him is that the two rarely have anything to do with each other, at least since the only card with morph was printed.

(I'm a conscientious objector to the existence of other morph cards... Because in Constructed, morphs have exactly zero of their vaunted “surprise” value. It's always Exalted Angel. Why would you ever play with anything that wasn't her? Shut up, whatever you were going to say - they're just not as good. Even in mono-black.)

His other problem is that Rune-Tail is the only flip card whose ability is about as impressive as wheat toast when he's flipped. Kuon may have front teeth bigger than his actual head, but at least he does something when flipped. If Rune-io prevented all damage done to you, that would be cool. If he made your creatures and yourself untargetable by other players, that would be cool. But no, your dudes can still be Infested, or Wrathed, or Decree of Pained away without a hitch. They can be Boomeranged, Diabolic Edicted, Faith's Fettered, or Peaced out at a Moment's notice. They can be Rend Fleshed, Befouled, or Pus Kamied.

Pus Kamied, for Gosh' sakes!

In short, his ability does zero for you 95% of the time... Especially against red decks, which I guess is sort of where R&D thought he might be useful, I guess, since that's the type of deck that does more damage to your creatures than all the others combined. Seriously, if your life total is above thirty against a Red Deck, you've already won, and should be sipping champagne and eating caviar off of someone's stomach as we speak. But the odds of you getting your life that high, and them not Pyroclasming or Magma Jetting this dude right before you flip him are smaller than my chances of marrying a leggy redhead.

(Which, at this point, appear to be pretty small. In case you were wondering. Applications are still available, though.)

I do have to give Rune-Tail some credit for having his big floppy ears tattooed. That had to hurt.

13. Iizuka the Ruthless (Saviors)

Iizuka:
Samurai brethren, I know the odds are hopeless. The Kamis outnumber us ten trillion billion to thirty. At any time, the Kami of Shoe Leather may wake up and eat our feet out from under us. But I think that all we really need to win this fight is a little motivation.

Battle-Mad Ronin:
No, really, I think we're all pretty motivated. The Kamis are going to devour our children and take over our planet if we can't defeat them.

Ronin Houndmaster:
Yeah boss, I'm all set, I'm raring to go! I can't wait to get out there and have my dogs eat some phantasmal butt. Hey, how are we supposed to hurt these spirit things again, anyway?

Iizuka:
Never mind that. C'mere, Ronin Cliffrider.

Ronin Cliffrider:
Yes sir!

Iizuka:
So. Everyone see this guy? I'm going to make him into human sushi in front of your eyes!

*Slice! Dice!*

Ronin Cliffrider:
ARRGHH!

Iizuka:
Are you all motivated now?!?!?!

Collective Samurai minus 1, shuffling backwards three steps:
Er, you bet sir! Gosh, how the blood does boil! Couldn't be readier!

Iizuka:
Hmmm... I'm still not convinced. Because I don't tap, I can do it again. Kitsune Blademaster, I didn't hear you yell loud enough. C'mere.

Kitsune Blademaster:
It's just a small case of laryngitis, really, nothing to be worried about. I'm a great fighter.

Iizuka:
Well, how about a little rabbit meat to make us all fight harder?!

*Eviscerate!*

Kitsune Blademaster:
Mother of Rune-Tail, NO!!! EERHJHGGH!!!!!

Inner Chamber Guard:
I thought he was a fox...

Iizuka:
Let me hear you! Are you ready yet?!?!

Collective Samurai minus 2:
JEEZUS YES SIR, FOR LOVE OF ALL THAT'S HOLY AMEN SIR!!!

Battle-Mad Ronin:
I may have some anger issues, but this dude is frickin' nuts!

Marlin “Spear” Yamazaki:
Seriously, sir, I don't think we could possibly be any more motivated. Hey, isn't that enormous wall of fungus wearing kabuki masks the Kami coming to kill us?

Iizuka:
Never mind that. I still think you guys could do a little better. Marlin, wouldn't you fight harder if - *grabs a samurai, decapitates him* - your brother needed to be avenged?!?!

Bastard “Sword” Yamazaki:
No, I'm okay, I'm right over here.

Iizuka:
Whoops. Sorry, Indebted Samurai, I'll owe you one. But as I always say, one extremely motivated fighter is better than thirty highly motivated ones. So...

Battle-Mad Ronin:
That's it. I'm going to see if the Kami can use my soul for fertilizer or something. I'm out.

12. Bounteous Kirin (Saviors)
Bounteous Kirin is part of a cycle, and it's the one that has something to do with lifegain in its ability - I can just stop right there, you already know it's the worst card of the cycle and a gut-wrenchingly awful card overall.

I defy anyone to come up with a five-color cycle in the entire history of Magic where the Green or White one used life gain and it wasn't the worst of the cycle. I'll give you Pulse of the Fields, okay.... But that is absolutely it.

Nomad Stadium. Nourishing Shoal. Those damn Jasmine cards. Aven Shrine. Planeswalker's Mirth. Dega Sanctuary. Healing Salve. Sanctimony. Starlight. Thoughtleech. Balm of Restoration. Roots of Life. Keeper of the Light. I could go on and on.

You can't make it through a block without stumbling over three or four useless life gain members of some cycle that R&D worked hard on with the blue or black cards, and then ran out of ideas and went with lifegain again for Green or White.

But then you're all like, “Okay, the life gain part is bad, but it's still a 4/4 flyer! In Green! You don't get that every day!”

And then I'm all witty and come back, “Yeah, your mom is a 4/4 Green flyer! I hear she costs seven, too.”

And then it all ends in fisticuffs, as usual. Intellectual discourse is not my strong point.

But then I stop pummeling you, and you say, “Look! It has heat-seeking spirit missiles following it around! And a face like some kind of spider-alien from a movie you can't quite remember but really freaked you out as a child!”

And then I call the police, you telepathic bastard. And pummel some more.

11. Reki, the History of Kamigawa (Saviors)
No, he doesn't trigger himself when he comes into play. No, he almost never triggers. He triggers only when you play a spell with the Legendary Supertype. And that's just terrible. Merchant of Secrets is better than Reki 99% of the time, but that's not even half of why he's on this list.

Now, I want you to go and read his flavor text very carefully. I'll wait...

Dude! After he died, they spent ten years copying down all the tattoos he had on his body?!?! Did they keep him in the meat locker? Did they have him stuffed? Did they make his skin into a throw-rug or something? I mean, I'm not sure I really want to know — but man, that's freaky.

How'd you like to be the monk adept that got stuck with that job? “Yeah, so for the next year, you're going to be here in the hide tanning room with the preserved skin of our dead leader. We want you to copy down every little detail. If you think it's a mole or a freckle, ask first. Punctuation's important.”

And isn't it really weird that he's a living human monk in Saviors, yet it says he's dead right on his card? In fact, he's been dead at least ten years before Champions happens, as there are a ton of quotes from “History of Kamigawa” which were taken from parts of his dead skin.

My proposed errata for Reki - “If Reki would come into play, place him into your graveyard instead, because Reki is already dead. Pays to read the flavor text, eh?”