How many times have you played Two-headed Giant sealed? Three times? Seven? The correct answer is never if you are a sane human being. Fat Eric and Brad used to be normal, sane magic players. Then we learned of a magic-al place to play the cardboard crack very near to our home. This store has had two feature tournaments in the last few months worth mentioning: a Draft for a Beta Black Lotus, and a Two-Headed Giant Sealed event for Unlimited versions of the Mox Sapphire and Mox Emerald. Since we went crazy during our twelve hour adventure, we want the world to know what it’s like to win some Moxen in the face of massive lifegain.

We carpooled with our friend Ben for this journey into madness. His partner did not make the 9:45 am meeting time, so we made the trip in hopes of finding a partner for Ben. The trip was rather interesting, since discussion of Mirrodin Limited was invalidated for two reasons: One) Each of us had only played in one sealed Mirrodin event, Two) Normal strategy was thrown out the window due to the funky Two-Headed Giant rules.

We knew we were good enough to make the finals, but we questioned our ability to predict two-headed giant strategy. Before arriving, we decided that U/W and R/G were the two archetypes we’d try to use. Black would be substituted for any color if it seemed stronger.

Due to past experience with the organizer, we knew we weren’t going to be playing normal, sanctioned-style magic. At the Black Lotus Draft, there was a very heated debate on who made the top Eight. Ten people had the necessary records, but the organizer had no idea how to assign tiebreakers. So, ten people made the top eight. This time we came prepared for such nonsense - we brought our hackey-sacks and tennis rackets for the inevitable top thirteen iron-man competition. Fat Eric is an official Tournament Organizer, so we tried to use his powers of persuasion to at least do product and deck registration, with hopes on getting some Swiss pairings going. For reasons unknown, they refused to listen to the official DCI tournament organizer, and the fun began.

After opening our product, we quickly realized we had some serious B.S.-

The Decks:

U/W- (a.k.a. I will do all the work)
2 Bonesplitter
2 Fireshrieker
1 Mask of Memory
1 Leonin Den-Guard
1 Skyhunter Cub
1 Wizard Replica
3 Somber Hoverguard
1 Auriok Bladewarden
1 Wanderguard Sentry
1 Platinum Angel
1 Skyhunter Patrol
1 Leonin Abunas
1 Clockwork Condor
1 Domineer
1 Altar’s Light
2 Soul Nova
1 Pearl Shard
1 Crystal Shard

1 Tree of Tales
1 Great Furnace
7 Plains
6 Island

R/G - (a.k.a. I will Shatter and block sometimes)

2 Vulshok Gauntlets
1 Neurok Hoversail
1 Tel-Jilad Chosen
3 Iron Myr
1 Spikeshot Goblin
1 Solemn Simulacrum
1 Plated Slagwurm
1 Duplicant
1 Wurmskin Forger
2 Fangren Hunter
1 Tel-Jilad Archer
1 Hematite Golem
1 Clockwork Vorrac
1 Goblin Replica
1 Shrapnel Blast
1 Journey of Discovery
3 Shatter
1 Granite Shard
1 Pyrite Spellbomb

7 Mountain
9 Forest

As you can see, we ended up with five playable rares, triple of some good commons, and double Fireshrieker. We had the goods, but more experienced players will note we did not have any of the hallmark commons for our colors, namely - Neurok Spy, Arrest, Electrostatic Bolt, and Deconstruct. We sighed with relief after we opened these decks, improving our chances of going undefeated to avoid the fully-loaded Russian roulette session to settle tiebreakers into the top 11. With that, we learned there were only twelve teams in today’s event. Sometimes fate smiles kindly on the meek. The system for this tournament would go something like this: teams would be split up into four team pods, and would play round robin in each of those pods. Top teams would advance to a final, if the Fates allowed. Here is our story:

Round 1 — Jan and Zan (The Wonder Twins) — U/B/R and W/G Slug Deck
*aside*

Jan and Zan are a couple of younger guys we met a few months ago. They are the elites that Springfield, Illinois has to offer. Unfortunately, they are high-school aged. While they can’t help that, it means they talk a lot. Kai was right about Americans. Zan is Brad’s nemesis, taking the Black Lotus away in the finals of that competition, and beating him in a Standard Constructed event at a later date. Anyhow, they are nice kids, but the arrogance of youth can grate anyone’s nerves.

*end aside*

Jan and Zan made some sort of comment about"getting us out of the way" to start with, but we had the upper hand, being good at playing Magic and all. The three-color deck Zan had featured some good cards, but the White/Green deck was a disaster. It was obviously built to accommodate their"Walter Cronkite" (a.k.a. Molder Slug), but featured all the common White creatures that are only good with Equipment - and virtually no Equipment. In two long games, we didn’t see too much action out of Walter Cronkite, and when he did hit, the damn thing never even attacked. Jan just used his powers of Awe Strike to slow us down a bit, while Walter Cronkite ate all of Zan’s artifacts. They really did most of our work for us. And, yes, the Wonder twins gave Molder Slug that name, not us.

Games: 2-0 Match: 1-0

Round 2 — Old Guy and Squinty — Mono R and Mono W
Life Gain of choice: All four - Tanglebloom, multiple Awe Strike, multiple Leonin Elder, two Sun Droplet

So, these guys sit down to play us for round 2, and inform us they haven’t played a game of magic since Urza’s Block. Their decks aren’t sleeved, and they seem kind of slow. Well, we start off things nice, introduce ourselves, and figure it’s an easy win, characteristic of this area. Game 1, the mono-White deck craps out two Leonin Elders in two turns, as well as an Auriok Transfixer. The Red deck in the first two turns plays a Myr. Several turns pass, and they're beating face with 1/1’s on whoever doesn’t have blockers, and playing artifact creatures, all 1/1’s, along with a Sun Droplet and Tanglebloom, and gaining ridiculous amounts of life. Before we know it, they have sixty life, and we’re down below twenty.

Finally we get some semblance of defense online and attacking, Fireshrieker and Bonesplitter on a Somber Hoverguard doing ten a turn. Another Bonesplitter would seemingly make the difference, but they Awe Struck it and go back up to above sixty life. We concede the game. While shuffling up for game 2, we find out they won their first match. Sideboarded in game 2: Krark-Clan Shaman, Needlebug, Krark-Clan Grunt, and Alpha Myr. We were forced to bastardize our decks, lowering our curve to try to stabilize against the weenies.

Game 2 they manage the same strategy, and we learn they have not one, but two Sun Droplets. We eventually stabilize at fourteen life. They swing with an Atog, and some junk, sacrificing several artifacts and doing seemingly enough damage to kill us, not realizing we have a pearl shard online. Preventing the two damage wins us the game, although he plays a Thought Prison after combat, realizing he should have playing it before for the extra two points. Game 3 we get quick draws, racing with Alpha Myr and Equipment, and Fangren Hunter. It’s over much quicker than the other two.

Games: 4-1 Matches: 2-0

Round 3 — Two young guys we’ve seen before — R/G and W/B
Life Gain of choice: Awe Strike and Tanglebloom

They sit down to play, and know their going to lose. They let us know they’ve lost their last two matches, and their decks sucks. They were right. Then again, whose decks were good at this tournament besides ours? Game 1 they concede to Plated Slagwurm on about twenty life. Game 2 we’re racing, and they concede for no reason. They are at low life, and will die in a few turns with what’s on the board, but we’re at nineteen and they had eleven damage on the board... sounds good to us.

Semi-Finals — Two High School Age Children — B/G and W/R
Lifegain of Choice: None — The only match all day where someone actually knew how to build a deck.

After some debate as to what to do about one of the pods, where three teams are tied in match record, they decide the only difference in record was a win awarded at the end of extra turns based on life. Whatever, we expected some free-throw shoot-out to determine the top four, anyhow. Four teams advanced to a single elimination playoff. Game 1 they had all kinds of removal, and it was tough getting damage through, but Fireshrieker + Mask of Memory = total bulls***. They try to Soul Nova a Somber Hoverguard, and I bounce it with my Crystal Shard. They argue the Equipment should still die, and we explain how Magic: The Gathering is played. 99% of the questions that were brought up to us could be answered by reading the card. Our Plated Slagwurm died to Barter in Blood, after they set up a rather one-sided affair with the card. The W/R player knew what he was doing, although the B/G player didn’t have a clue, and his deck showed it.

Game 2 we go back and forth with the Leonin Abunas in play. Again the Plated Slagwurm dies to Barter In Blood, keeping us from a game win. The R/W player held back, bluffing a Soul Nova for at least eight turns, not playing anything. Finally we whittle them down low enough he has to use it on one of our guys with only one Equipment, and again we bounced it. Soon after they conceded.

Games: 8-1 Matches: 4-0

Finals — Two college students from Quincy, IL — U/B and W/R
Lifegain of Choice: Awe Strike and Tangle Bloom

"You can pump Basking Rootwalla into a 7/7, by pumping it during the end step, then again on your turn."

"Mana is faster than your spell."

These were statements issued by our final round opponents. Is this a testament to the overall skill level in B.F.E. Illinois? Did you cry when you read those statements? We were almost in tears after hearing one member of this team try to argue his way out of rules issues. At one point, we suggested taking up Magic Online, since its only ten dollars to learn the rules demonstratively.

Anyhow.

Game 1, the R/G deck finally has an optimal draw, with an early Spikeshot Goblin. The true synergy of the decks comes together when we had Bonesplitter/Auriok Bladewarden/Spikeshot Goblin going in the first four turns."Gimme the Juice!" was the beck and call for Eric to pump the Goblin at opportune times. They didn’t recuperate from that so it was on to the next game.

Game 2, the U/W deck stumbled with its mana, while the R/G defenses were taken out by Arrest, Terror, Granite Shard, and Electrostatic Bolt. This game we see two Raise the Alarm, Six Hundred Thirty-Two Myr and Myr Incubator, all on the wrong side of the table. We never did anything worthwhile.

Game three was actually a good simulation of a good game of Magic, all nonsense aside. They came out strong again, with approximately thirty Myr and double Raise the Alarms, but the R/G deck sided in two Krark-Clan Shaman, and a Viridian Longbow to compliment the two ‘pingers’ already in the deck. We stabilized at ten life or so, with them at thirty. The U/W deck had Platinum Angel and Razor Barrier in hand, but only eight mana. We decided to play it anyhow, and pray they couldn’t kill it, since both members of their team had only one card in hand, and had burned a bit of removal already. The R/W player served in that turn, with four 1/1’s to take us to six life. The U/B player had one Myr left, played a land, and Irradiated the Platinum Angel for almost four. Obviously, our R/G player Shrapnel Blasted their Myr, to ensure the Irradiate didn’t do its job, and we kept the Angel. Later, they would try to Domineer it, but, we still had the Razor Barrier we boarded in. So, on the backs of Razor Barrier, Krark-Clan Shaman, and some bomb rares, Fat Eric and Brad E. Rutherford went home two moxes richer, and insane from twelve hours of Two-Headed Giant Sealed.

I believe the lessons we learned here were important. LLGW2K3 (limited life-gain wins 2003) is not a good archetype in Two-Headed Giant Sealed. Running round robin pods invariably leads to many, many ties. Also, even the mighty powers of the Wonder Twins cannot always make Walter Cronkite the bomb-diggity.

Signing off,
Brad E. Rutherford
"Fat" Eric Bergman