CrazyCarl: it looks like time to write an issues article
CrazyCarl: i need to pwn some bitches up in this house
JPmeyer: what does that mean?  does that mean "give me an issue?" or does that mean "write an article for me?"

Carl: I don't want to see any puppy dog eyes out of you kids. If you're guilty of these things, you know it, and you should revel in your shame. Revel! Myself and JP aren't pointing fingers at anyone (yes we are), and we certainly aren't trying to judge any of you (again, we so totally are), we're just trying to point out a few problems we've noticed in the Vintage community.

JP: And point fingers at each other.

1) Not netdecking
"One of the keys to the growth of Vintage is to have a stable, predictable metagame"

- Stephen Menendian

Carl: I agree.  For those of you who don't remember the years before 2001, Type One players, as we were called then, were in The Dark (hehe, Magic pun).  Keeper was the only viable deck.  I know that people talked about Suicide Black, Sligh/Burn, Stompy and random awful powered decks and how they could beat Keeper, but they really couldn't.  It's kind of funny how the stigma surrounding budget decks back in the day has continued for so long.  Anyways, players really didn't have anything to work with, it was basically "Read Beyond Dominia (RIP) and hope to get lucky, or continue playing Gaea's Blessing".

It wasn't until TnT hit the scene and there was a hot new deck that people were copying down and playing.  From there, people changed their decklists to adapt to a new metagame.  Soon Grow and it's successor, Grow-A-Tog, hit the scene, Keeper started playing Brainstorm, and it just kind of exploded from there.

There are many players who just won't netdeck, and that's fine.  But when they start complaining, that's when there's a dance off on Saturday.

JP: You know what one of the problems here is? It becomes impossible to tell why anything is doing well. You'll look at a list of top 8 decks and wonder if these decks did well because they're good, or because they had to play against R/G Beats followed by Tooth and Nail followed by Secret Force. Or you complain when one deck dominates your scene because you won't (gasp!) consider playing something else. In 2001, when there were like three decks in Type One and they'd been around forever, this was one thing. Nowadays people have noticed though that new cards don't suck. And come to think of it, when the same decks were always around, that made metagaming really easy, since you knew that at every tourney Billy would show up with Sligh, Connor and Samuel******** would have Keeper, and so on. Of course, if you used this knowledge to your advantage, you were accused of playing in a "stagnant metagame."

2) Playing net decks like a sea cucumber
Carl: If there's anything worse than not netdecking, it's netdecking poorly.  The point of netdecking is to give you an advantage over the rest of the field.  This includes your build and playskill.  I don't profess to be some sort of Budde, but when I can watch the average Vintage match and see a potentially game-breaking mistake nearly every turn, Baby Jesus cries.  That ain't cool.  No one messes with my homeboys.

This is a horse that's been beaten to death, reanimated, and then beaten to death a bit more, just to get the point across.  I don't like beating on horses, so I'll end that there.

JP: There's a story that Rich Shay loves to tell. A few months ago, he was at a small tourney where there were a ton of Control Slaver decks. He walked over and saw a small child playing the deck. He had a Goblin Welder out, a Mindslaver in the graveyard, and a Pentavus in play, so he was just about to get Mindslaver recursion going. So he Slaves his opponent, makes him kill a bunch of his stuff, and then makes him attack with the River Boa into his Pentavus. Except he forgot the fact that River Boa has Islandwalk and lost the game, since he was only at one life.

Naturally, the child complained for the rest of the day about how horrible of a deck Control Slaver is.

3) Pretending you're a gangsta and blingin' out yo' sh**
Carl: Apparently JP sees this as an issue.  I'd go with it, but with all the exposure to Japanese culture he's been subjected to and since I wouldn't have a clue (and neither would you) of what the hell he's talking about, I'll give him the benefit of the doubt.  Only not.  Seriously.  Okay, I'm kidding.

No I'm not.

JP: I have no idea what Carl was talking about (then again, he never has any idea what I'm talking about when I start talking about) but yeah, I really never got the point of this. Like, I can understand wanting to make sure that all of your spells are black-bordered. I find it pretty convenient to know that if I see a white-bordered card in my opening hand, that I know that it's going to be a good one, since that means that it's a Mox or something. But instead of having those four foil Brainstorms, you could pay the admission fee for six tournies. Which would give you more experience. And make you a better player. And be more fun. I know that personally, I prefer playing Magic to spending tons of money on cards that I already own.

Carl: Actually, I do have something to say on this. There are those who will blindly pay out hundreds, if not thousands, of dollars to "pimp" out their deck. Why? I don't think they know. Those who are "in the know" do it as a means of intimidation. Granted, playing against myself, JP, or any other member of Team Mean Deck is going to intimidate you (you can say it doesn't, but deep down it does). [Having met both JP and Carl, I doubt they could intimidate a butterfly or a squirrel. - Knut] By having a "blingin" deck however, you show that you've got "the stuff". You're successful enough to spend that much on cards to the point where the cost isn't an issue. Or at least that's the image you're trying to project. You can bring a pretty good lookin' girl to a dance competition, but when you see me show up with two good lookin' ladies, you're going to doubt yourself. Okay, maybe that's a bad analogy, but you know what I mean. Don't you?

Fine, whatever. You suck. Fool.

JP: Pardon me while I talk over your head (it's okay, you can jump to the next section), but you've got the whole sign exchange thing backwards. I mean, "the linguistic sign unites not a thing and a name, but a concept and a sound-image". The deck is not supposed to be the signifier. The deck is supposed to be the signified.

4) You're waaaaaay too willing to shell out for cards
Carl: Prices for Vintage staples have gone up exponentially over the past few years.  A decent discussion of this can be found here.  That isn't the issue though.  The problem lies with those willing to shell out that much on cards.  Or is it?  I'll get back to that later.

JP: I realize that the weakened dollar has been part of this, but let's face it: the market is what really regulates these prices. Oh and also, if you see someone sell a PSA 9 Black Lotus or something, don't think that this affects the price that you should spend on that beat Lotus that you need for your deck.

5) "We want change!"
Carl: Fast forward two years: "No, don't change our cards!"  This has been a back and forth thing that's been going on for years.  It is also a fairly battered horse, but I want to bring it back for another go-around.

For the past few months, I've seen complaints floating around about "the state of the metagame" or "cards being too expensive".  The State of the Metagame has yet to be annexed by the United States.  It's for that reason that people tend to misunderstand its role in Vintage.  That role has changed, hopped the tracks, switched sides, got off the fence, etc.  We now have a more predictable metagame, allowing players to participate in a favorite pastime of Standard and Extended players alike: Metagaming!  Sideboards matter!  It's wonderful!

Oh wait, that means putting more effort into deckbuilding.  Teams form and reform that work and succeed.  This in turn summons the scorn of the rest of the Vintage community.

"OMGIHATEMEANDECK.  h8, wait, no, h9!"

"I just want to play my Worldslayer/Darksteel COLOSSUS deck!"

"OMG I HATE NETDECKERS!!eleventy-eleven!one!"

JP: When it's been a good three days since a new best deck has come out, the blame always seems to come back to teams. This has nothing to do with the fact that it, you know, takes a while to make new decks. It's really because of "team secrecy" or "greed." And not because teams want to make sure that their decks are good before they play them. Or that there hasn't been a tourney yet for them to play the deck at.

Carl: Then people complain about the prices of cards.  "OMG, so expensive!" Duh.  The more popular a format is, the more one is going to have to shell out for the more popular cards in said format, assuming that those cards are in limited supply.  What makes it a bit easier for Vintage players is that those staples; Mana Drain, Force of Will, Mishra's Workshop, the Power 9, etc, are going to be useful for years.  Those twenty-dollar Urza's Rages don't do you a whole lot of good in 2004.  This leads me into...**

Carl: I want it now.  With cheese.  Right now.  Supersized, with a Coke.  Did I mention now?

That's the mentality of the average American.  The standards we apply to things such as fast food or T3 internet porn we hold to Magic as well.  The fact of the matter is Vintage staples are expensive.  They cost money.  And by money, I mean maaaaad loot.  For most of us, that kinda cash ain't just floatin' around.  It takes time to save up that kind of cash.  It's our tendencies to not wait for things that give credit card companies so much power.  Granted, there are things you may need "right now", but I guarantee you, Ancestral Recall isn't one of them.

I started gathering power around the age of 15.  By 17 I had a set of Alpha power, sans Twister, which I picked up a year later.  I didn't have a job.  I did it by practicing.  I won tournaments and put the winnings towards older cards.  That combined with a bit of savvy trading and I became the proud owner of the most coveted cards in Magic (excluding Dragons, of course).

I doubt this is exclusive to l'écume Américaine,*********** but it is a very common way of thinking on this side of the pond.

JP: You know what's a good way to make money on cards, which you can then use to get other cards? Make sure to trade away your hot Standard and block cards while they're still legal, rather than complaining about how your 79 foil Rishadan Ports aren't worth $50 each any more. I realize that this would mean that you'd have to deal with those evil Type Two players or those nefarious small children, but if you want to get Power, you gotta make some sacrifices.

7) Type One is cheaper than Type Two
Carl: This is complete bull.  A lot has been said on the subject, but I'll complain about it a bit more.  I'm included in the whiny Vintage group.  I'm exercising my Jet Li given right.

The entry cost to be competitive (Don't feed me that line of BS about Fish - you aren't winning any major events when you just start out with Fish) runs around $4000.00 and this is just the Power 9, Mana Drains and Mishra's Workshops, never mind Bazaars, Force of Wills and dual lands.  You're shelling out quite a bit to get things going, as opposed to Type Two where $250-$300 will allow you to build at the very least Affinity and Tooth and Nail.  The problem is that in two years, the value of most of those Mirrodin and Onslaught rares will probably drop at least 50%.

JP: I'm hoping that this stereotype will die soon. This was started back around 2000 when there were decks like Fires where 40 of the 60 cards in the deck were chase rares, and when you could get a Mox for under $100. The other fact that undermines this argument is that new sets actually have, you know, Type One playable cards. Furthermore, a lot of these cards are or were commonly played in Standard. If you want those fetchlands or Mirrodin block goodies, you've got to buy the exact same cards as those bad bad Type Two players do

8) T2PAAARLOWNBADHSNAMS *
Carl: Yeah...Vintage players have this weird "omgthosetype2playersareruiningmagicomgmyheadasplode" mentality with regards to those people who play Standard.  News flash guys:  Standard is one of the main reason's Wizards is still in business. It's their cash cow, their finest ho, their bread and butter, the eggs to their bacon, etc.  It's a necessary evil.  No Standard = no new cards = absolutely no Vintage support. Granted, we don't get a whole lot of support, but they're trying. Without 'da flow from the card sales Standard and draft formats generate, we'll get absolutely zippo from them.

This mentality also refers to the growing numbers of "those players" picking up Vintage as a result of recent changes in prize structures with first prize being upwards of $700-800 - far higher than a PTQ and with players of, in most cases, much lower quality than your average PTQ regular.  The attitudes of the serious tournament player compared to the average Vintage tourney regular are worlds apart.  Most Vintage players really don't have as solid a grasp on the rules as someone who plays Standard and draft most of the time.  As a result, when players lose to errors based on misunderstanding the rules or say, accidentally drawing too many cards off a mulligan, they complain about "rules cheese".  This is an age-old topic, but it continues to come up, hence I bitch about it here.

JP: You know what irks me? The people that get angry when you go to shuffle their deck. I'm not talking about when people get mad when someone with peanut butter-covered hands start manhandling thousands of dollars worth of your cards. I'm referring to the ones that assume that you're some asshole who thinks that they're a cheater because you're shuffling their deck. It's actually required at higher REL's to shuffle your opponent's deck, so anyone that plays in regular sanctioned tourneys gets used to doing it. Thus, they see all these Type Two players shuffling their deck and they assume that they're cutthroats looking to do anything to get a win, rather than someone who makes sure to play by the rules. I've also found that people that regularly play in PTQs are much more likely to do other convenient things, like drawing in the last round, since they've played in enough tourneys to know how tiebreakers work. Intentional draws are your friend. They let you get food.

9) Being terrible is not completely determined by region
Carl:
CrazyCarl: oh
CrazyCarl: my god
CrazyCarl: i hate europeans

CrazyCarl: i hate hate hate clarissa explains it all (I really do, though that chick who played Clarissa was pretty cute - Carl) [Yes she was/is. - Knut, who has an ongoing thing for Melissa Joan Hart, even after all these years]

JP: Um, yeah... Anyway, to echo Phil Stanton's sentiments, don't hate against Italy or any other region simply because you don't like the decks that are played there. I do have to say though, that "your metagame sucks" is such a great insult. It lets you make fun of somebody ("Your metagame sucks,") all of their friends ("your metagame sucks"), and furthermore, renders any experience or victories moot ("your metagame sucks"). It might be an even better insult than "you're bad at video games." If you don't think that that's a good one, say it to the person next to you next time you win a game of Halo or Super Smash Brothers. You'll be amazed how infuriated they'll get.

Carl: One of the first problems is that most Vintage players have no clue what the term "metagame" means. It's become a very commonly used term to describe anything from the decks one expects to see in an event (which it is) to "your metagame sucks!" I think what you're trying to say there Sparky is "the people and decks that you play against are so horrific that I refuse to acknowledge any of the results that you've so generously spammed www.TheManaDrain.com with *insert rude gesture of your choosing*."

As JP said, saying someone's "metagame" sucks is terribly ignorant. Do you know the skill level of their opponents? Do you know which decks show up on a regular basis? Do you know the skill level with regards to the player of a given deck? Do you know how to play Magic in the first place? The answer to all of these questions is most likely a simple "No." People, not just Magic players, have become more and more close-minded as time progresses. No one is open to new ideas, and anyone that comes up with one is obviously a communist in disguise and must be skewered on a sharpened Bone Flute so that their evil commie entrails stain the streets red (get it? communists? red? ahh, screw you) with gore.

Closing) OMGLESBIANSOMG
JP: Gloria Steinem would probably die to be able to turn over in her grave, if she saw how women are being treated in the modern Vintage scene.  That ho ain't got nothin' on me.  I'm the Crowned Head of Feminism  I make her look like a misogynist.  I mean, that tramp actually got married a couple of years ago.  To a man!  What a giant bag.

Carl: OMG BOOBIES!!!one!eleven!! Oops I mean: you guys take a little girl-on-girl action and form a freaking religion around it. 

JP: You say boobies, I say the oppressive gaze of our patriarchal society.

Carl: Hey now son, you had your two minutes!  Who do you think you are, Bush?  Red light's off buddy.  Follow the rules laid down by good ole' Charlie Gibson.

JP: Okay, I admit, boobies are quite supereminent. But to paraphrase Brian Hacker paraphrasing Dolomite, "Don't let boobies whip you - whip those boobies!"*********

Carl: I am curious to see how many people would like to see a guide to picking up the ladies, written by yours truly (and by that I mean myself). Considering I have women throwing themselves at me (and in some cases, throwing me onto TO's desks and violating me in a way that can't be described on a family website), I obviously know my stuff.************ Will pimping out my deck catch me that foxy lady across the way? Will a daily shower improve my chances of mising that hottie in Chem 101? Do I know how to play Magic in the first place? Two of these questions will be answered. The other one, well, I won't touch that. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.

Carl Winter by day,
Mr. Awesome by night
2003 Vintage Champion
Member of Team Meandeck and Team Paragon
Cynical punk-ass kid
carlwintertmd izzat hotmail dot com

JP "The Yellow Dart" Meyer
May or may not have actually written the words attributed to him here
Contrary to popular belief, was not in the same psych class fall semester as Tim Aten
Episkopos of the Appalachian Stigmatic NASCabal, Former Masked Gin Berserker of Eris, Useless intellectual, Corrosive, and Carrier of Other Titles of Mystical Import *************
jpmeyer at gmail dot com

* Type 2 players*** are all asshole odious rules lawyers who never bathe and don't have nearly as much sex.****

** I've never had a decent segue before.  Rock!

*** It's been called Standard for years now, get your head out of 1998 *****

****Originally, this was "Type Two players are all asshole rules lawyers who never bathe and don't have sex nearly as much as you do", but I thought that we should it to "and don't have nearly as much sex," that way we commodify sex which plays along with the whole Type One greed motif.******

***** What, you didn't know that and you swear to have been around since the beginning?

****** Holy subtle Marxist criticism in a Magic article, Batman! *******

******* Man, these were the most confusing footnotes ever. It took me like fifteen minutes to sort them all out while we were writing this

******** Carl: I didn't feel like sorting this one out, so yeah. I bet this is some obscure Japanese horror, porno, love story, children film or something. Or not.**********

********* In communist Russia, Brian Hacker paraphrases You!

********** Looks like someone just can't tell them apart!

*********** What does that even mean?

************ By "stuff," Carl means he wonders why is he is so deaf at 22 to the sound of the driving snow that drives him home to you

************* A reference should add meaning to your writing and not just flaunt your cultural knowledge. The reason this one was added was to reference "The Redemption Report" as a way of saying "don't take this so seriously, pls tks."