“Cursed Ronin kicks ass!”
— A casual player at the college I attend, speaking of Constructed play

After doing a bit of reading around, I noticed that there are a lot of people who play both casually with friends, and play in tournaments. Of this multitude, there are also a lot of people that have found that playing a tournament-winning deck against casual-playing friends is no fun for either party.

Is there such a thing as winning too much? You bet. But what about losing too much? Again, the answer is yes.

The problem is, not every casual player has the time, drive, or money to put together that Ravager Affinity netdeck — and even fewer casual players even know what a netdeck is. They play Magic because it’s fun, and as everyone knows, it’s no fun to lose every time. Smashing a janky red Goblin burn deck with a turn 4 entwined Tooth and Nail gets boring if it happens over and over again, regardless of whether it’s played on turn 4 or turn 10. It’s no fun for anyone involved.

But you can't just play worse to keep everyone happy, since playing badly can become a habit that will cost you at the PTQ. The answer, "Build a bad deck." Build a deck so bad that it makes the other casual player’s decks look like they epitomize the essence of synergy. That way, the other guys win often enough to stick around… and when you win, it's an act of purest triumph.

In my case, I threw together a deck of Zuberas, and they still won a little too much for my liking. Playing a terrible deck has the added benefit of improving your play; you have to be at the top of your game to stand a chance against the non-tourney decks that the casual players are using.

(Side note: If decks in your area are anything like mine, the casual decks will be atrocious. There’s a guy who runs a 5-color deck with twenty lands and almost no color-fixers — and of those twenty lands, three are Cloudpost. Every game he complains about color-screw, adding that he would have won on the very next turn.)

The Zubera deck has been about even in its win/loss column. It wins enough that I enjoy using it, but it loses enough that other people will play against me. It’s a somewhat delicate equilibrium — but it brings fun to the table, and that’s what Magic is about.

If I had the chance to build another deck to be horrible, this would be it:

Sucky.Dec

Lands:
10 Swamps
6 Forest
4 Plains

Creatures:
4 Chimney Imp
3 Cursed Ronin
4 Viridian Scout
3 Armed Response
4 Slagwurm Armor
4 Leonin Scimitar
3 Dross Crocodile
4 Ferocious Charge
1 Predator’s Strike
1 Elvish Pioneer
1 Journey of Discovery
2 Viridian Joiner
2 Fangren Hunter
1 Fyndhorn Elder
1 Tel-Jilad Exile
1 Tel-Jilad Lifebreather

No sideboard, as this is for casual only, and should definitely not be played unless:
a) You want to lose
b) You want to utterly destroy your opponent’s will to live by defeating him with this deck on multiple occasions.

As for the lands, Forests are just too good for this deck. They allow you to play things like Journey of Discovery, and Elvish Pioneer… so there are only six of them. Swamps are good because you can pump your worthless Ronin, and you have no removal spells to make them worthwhile. Not only that, but you need them to play Chimney Imp, which is easily the most broken card in the format. Twenty lands is far too few to be consistent — and with three colors, it’s even more unlikely that you’ll be able to get what you need.

Remember that quote at the top of the article? That’s an actual quote, verbatim. “Why is Cursed Ronin so good,” you ask? Because you can pump it up which can be awesome if you have nineteen black mana. Not only that, but it has … er… Bushido 1! What more can you ask for for four mana?

I was wondering about the Dross Crocodiles, since they might be too good for this deck. But at one toughness, you could chump block with Chimney Imp and kill it. Speaking of Chimney Imp…

Chimney Imps are a must. Anyone that’s been on the magicthegathering.com forums knows that Chimney Imp is awesome, because he untaps for free! Even Morphling usually has that one blue mana that’s used to untap, while Chimney Imp untaps for free every upkeep. Thus, over the course of three turns, you spend three blue mana on Morphling which could have been better spent on something else while Chimney Imp has cost you no mana whatsoever to untap. It’s sheer brokenness. There’s a reason they call him “t3h Pimp.”*

Everything else is just filler — bad filler, at that. Remember, this deck is entirely focused on making you lose, and lose you shall. Nothing brings you out of the redundant feeling of winning too much like being utterly annihilated by the worst player in your area. (But keep in mind that if he starts getting too big for himself, you can challenge him with your real deck and kill him with a turn 3 Ravager.)

If your other tournament friends ask how you managed to lose so badly, simply show them the deck. And if they don’t burst out laughing, you can explain how you were tired of easily killing the less competitive players, and wanted to see what it was like to lose once or twice.

Even better, you can tell them that this is a netdeck… Because it is now! Ah, their disbelief will be marvelous.

One of the great things about this deck is that it’s completely expendable. Want to play, but have to trudge two miles through flooding rain? Sucky.dec is your answer. Want to go outside to play, but don’t want your cards blown away? Sucky.dec is there for you.

The Matchups:
Since this is a Standard-legal deck, I’ll be matching it up against the major decks of Type 2. Not that it’ll have a chance, but it could be pretty funny.

Ravager Affinity:
One word: Concede. You can play it out and see what happens, but it’s unlikely that you’ll even get a creature into play before you die. This is due to the absolutely atrocious mana curve in this deck. One-drops are for sissies.

Tooth and Nail:
Okay, your strategy here is to play land and cast Chimney Imp before your opponent resolves Tooth and Nail. Perhaps she'll laugh herself into a heart attack.

Mono-U:
If I were playing Mono Blue against the above build, I don’t even know if I’d want to take anything with Vedalken Shackles. Except for Chimney Imp, of course since his mere presence instills fear in the hearts of even the manliest of men.

No, really. That laugher is to cover up their obvious insecurity.

B/G Control:
Elvish Pioneer is uber-tech against Plow Under, or something. If anything, you can try to trade it with an Eternal Witness, supposing it doesn’t get Echoing Decayed or Rend Fleshed. Who’d waste removal on an Elvish Pioneer, anyway? They’d either have to be cruel and heartless (or Dan Paskins) to do something as vile as that.

Goldfish:
Finally! Here's a matchup that lands in our favor. By turn 4 you can easily have your opponent — namely, you — on a ten-turn clock. Be forewarned though, this matchup is still not an auto-win, though it’s 70% in your favor.

In conclusion, there are many ways to enjoy the game of Magic, whether you’re with friends, at home working on decks, or reading the latest on the great site that is StarCityGames.com. Winning constantly against non-challenging opponents will not increase your skills, so you may as well have a good time in the process. You’d be surprised how amusing it can be to lose every once in a while. Take care.

Humble Writer,
Robert Henson II (cgr)
cgrstc@yahoo.com

* - Really, though, Chimney Imp is terrible. If Arcbound Ravager is a fairy godmother, Chimney Imp is Satan. Keep them outside a five-mile radius of your deck, if possible, as contamination could feasibly lose you tournaments.