Back when I started playing, in 1997, 4th Edition was cheap and plentiful here in Portugal, so I bought a lot of starters. And among my friends, I was the king. But not because I had more cards (I hadn’t), or because I played better (I didn’t). It was because I had that card.

It wasn’t a fancy expensive rare. It wasn’t even rare, for that matter. And I had only one copy of it. But it went into each and every deck I built, and if it came out, I would usually win. And that card was...

Ashnod's Battle Gear!

Confused? A real powerhouse if you read the Portuguese version. It makes Cursed Scroll look like a bad rare. You see, in Portuguese it lacks that little "creature you control" clause. It’s easy to figure out that this spells doom for every creature with less than three toughness (even regenerators), makes larger ones easier to kill, costs less at it — and you don’t even need an empty hand!

Of course, this wasn't what the card was intended to do. We didn’t have internet access back then, so when my cousin discovered the actual wording after two years of abuse, there was much rejoicing... except from me, of course.

Which brings us to the subject of this article. Many times have I longed for the good old days when my star card did the things it wasn’t supposed to. I’m sure you’ve had similar experiences as well. Sure, you probably don’t have translation mistakes — chances are most of your cards are in English. But you have something better — R&D’s mistakes! They make us nice, evil toys of brokenness and then try to take them away with that nasty errata... But the proof is there for all to see. Just read the cards.

Sure, they might not work like that anymore — but what better time to revive those lost powers than April Fools? Unleash the power of lies on your friends! They might know the errata on one or two cards... But what if you have a lot of them? Something is bound to slip through. With that in mind, I present:

Read The Cards
4 Ashnod's Battle Gear (Portuguese version)
4 Lifeline

4 Merfolk Looter
4 Thought Courier
4 Capsize
2 Parallax Tide
4 Palinchron

2 Abeyance
4 Parallax Wave
4 Karmic Guide

4 Lotus Vale
4 Forbidden Orchard
4 Flooded Strand
8 Island
4 Plains

With eight different errataed cards, your opponents are unlikely to know them all. With some luck, they won’t even know any of them! So here we go, card by card:

Ashnod’s Battle Gear
As written in Portuguese, this goes into any deck. The fact that this is a slow one with a lot of high-cost cards and little early defense is gravy. Sure, you might have trouble convincing your non-Portuguese-speaking friends that it really works this way until you show them Oracle wordings... at which point you’re screwed. No problem, just switch for more Abeyances and Tides — or go for the sideboard...

Lifeline
You thought madness was broken? The way this baby was worded, as long as you have a creature in play, any creature you discard has madness 0, albeit with a slight delay.

Merfolk Looter
Which brings us to the first of properly-worded cards. Not only does it give us a “madness” outlet, it also searches for that all-important Lifeline. It also fills the Lifeline requirement for creatures in play.

Thought Courier
Ditto. I wonder what Standard would have been like if this had been legal together with Odyssey and 7th Edition...

Capsize
A solid utility card that gets nasty with...

Parallax Tide and Parallax Wave
These were meant to be a temporary one-sided Armageddon and Wrath of God, respectively, but if you stack all five removal effects and then bounce the enchantment, the goods won’t come back... or at least that’s how it worked before errata added that darned “if Parallax Whatever is in play” clause and ruined our fun. But none of that here! On the first of April, we play with reusable mass removal!

Palinchron
Adding that boring “if you played it from your hand” clause didn’t prevent it from being abused... just not with reanimation. Anyway, without that hindrance it’s much better, and great for this deck. There is no way to produce infinite mana (actually there is, but it’s a stretch — Lotus Vale) or kill condition that abuses it - but who needs those? Just have fun with Capsize!

Abeyance
I got this info from Ben Bleiweiss’ article “The Top 50 White Cards," so I might as well quote him:

“Almost strictly better than Orim’s Chant, as it allows you to draw a card plus shut down another deck on your opponent's turn if need be. Abeyance forced Wizards issue some hasty errata. Abeyance as it was originally printed prevented your opponent from tapping lands for mana! Players thrilled at a two-mana cantrip Abeyance for a brief period.”

I heard Time Walk was good - so a cantrip version must be better. In you go!

Karmic Guide
Another victim of the “if you played it from your hand” clause. It’s so easy to see the arbitrarily large loops you can create with two of these, I don’t know how it got past development like this. It doesn’t matter, though — now all we have is an expensive white reanimation spell. If you want the 2/2 flier that comes along to stick around, you’re gonna pay a total of ten mana for the privilege. But on April Fools, you have free reanimation every turn — courtesy of Lifeline!

Lotus Vale
Who said Black Lotus was restricted? Before errata, you could tap it for three mana before deciding whether or not to sacrifice the two untapped lands. So now we can have a turn 3 Lifeline, and after tapping the Looter you played the turn before, you have a Palinchron at the end of turn... with two free mana to play Abeyance!

Forbidden Orchard
No errata shenanigans here; just mana fixing and jolly good interaction with Lifeline.

Other Lands
Because only eight won’t cut it — and I can’t remember more relevant lands with errata.

Well, that’s almost it. You’re ready to have fun cheating on your friends. But you’ll have to say “April Fools!” sometime... and after that, you won’t be able to pull it off anymore. That’s when you offer to play it fair. After all, the cards still work, they’re just less efficient. And then you go for the sideboard...

4 R&D’s Secret Lair
Thought I’d forgotten? April Fools! But what fun would it be to lie, if you’re using a card that makes it true? Better save it for later

4 Abandon Hope
Hymn to Tourach? Bah! Children’s spells. We Portuguese are blessed with brokenness. Our version says the following:

“As an additional cost to play Abandon Hope, discard X cards. Look at target opponent and choose three cards from it. That player discards those cards.”

Honest. Sure, this one is easy to spot, but with the power of the Lair, your opponent doesn’t have to believe it — he just has to discard the cards. And with all those Orchards and Vales, finding one black mana is not too hard.

4 Waylay
Those good old Knights, they sure must miss attacking. They don’t quite fit the spirit of the deck, but sometimes swinging for six out of nowhere is just plain fun.

3 Swords to Plowshares
Because they were much better when they gave you life instead of your opponent. (This, I don't get, since the Alpha version clearly states " Target creature is removed from game entirely; return to owner's deck only when game is over. Creature's controller gains life points equal to creature's power" — but maybe it's some Portuguese thing — The Ferrett)

Have a great April Fools' Day!

Luís Almeida